On Wednesday last I hit what I hope is rock bottom. I'm was, I think, in a bit of a manic state - nervous, anxious, aggressive, babbling like a lunatic - earlier in the day, followed by a collapse that had me spending the second part of the day lying in bed seriously wishing I was dead. I'm not exaggerating when I say that if I habitually kept sharp knives in the bedroom I might have done myself some harm, but luckily I don't, and was in a state of such apathy physically that I couldn't even get up.
Before you call the Samaritans though, I woke up on Thursday feeling at least a third of the way back to being human and apart from a few short lived slips between then and now I have been climbing up from the depths ever since. Maybe I had to sink that far down in order to get my feet under me so I could push back up? I don't know. (I do know I hope I never feel like that again and I don't want to dwell on it, especially as there were terrible things happening outside that bedroom, in the heart of London, that put things into perspective.)
Yesterday I didn't just feel better, I felt good - I went to see my mum for Mother's Day and we chatted and set the world to rights and hugged a lot; my brother popped in as well so I had a real family day and it was GOOD.
Today I'm a bit knackered but feeling quite positive. I've even been catching up on several days worth of blogs and Facebook and I want to say I'm sorry I've been worrying you Diane and Joy - so sorry. I can't promise I'm really back but at the least I feel like I'm nearly back and so much better than I was last week. And thank you so much for caring xxx