Monday, 20 March 2017

Hi

I think I have the loveliest bloggy friends in the world and I want to thank you for your comments since I last raised my head above the parapet. I can't imagine ever being offended or feeling patronized by your expressing concern and caring and wanting to help... I do hope that you aren't offended if you offer suggestions and I don't immediately follow them... The fact is I absolutely agree that volunteering would probably help me but at the moment I can't face the pressure of anyone depending on me... However large or small the expectation, just thinking about it paralyzes me with dread of failing people as I already feel I'm letting down M by not contributing financially, my family by not having the strength to be more available to them, and you guys for not finding the energy to even post regularly. It is just on hold for now though, and I do intend to do something about it when I start feeling stronger. I have however enquired about my voluntary litter picking idea - it should give me a reason to go out when I'm ready, and will probably lead to some superficial human contact from passers-by if I work in public areas, but I should be able to set my own hours and no one else needs to be working around me and my weirdness. Watch this space.
I also have some stuff going on in the job search that I'm not ready to talk about yet, so there might be a tiny flickering glimmer of light a mile above me as I look up from the bottom of the abyss... 
I know how melodramatic that sounded.... It is how I felt on Thursday when I last posted. Later that day I splurged on chocolate and felt even worse. Saturday and Sunday weren't great - small uplifting moments followed by crashing back down and hiding from life in the bathroom... The one saving grace is that I'm still in control of the drinking. I'm not not drinking, but I'm not drinking every evening and not getting anywhere near buzzed even when I do. And I'm not giving up on that. I'm certainly not doing as good a job of controlling the food. 

3 comments:

  1. I am so sorry you're going through this and wish I could help you. Sometimes, the best you can do is get out of bed and get through the day. Bit by bit, it bets better. Hugs to you.

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  2. One thing at a time, my dear. It's excellent that you are not over-drinking and I bet the food situation could be a lot worse too. Voluntary litter picking sounds extremely helpful - making a more pleasant environment for others is great.
    Very glad to hear from you again - I've been so worried.
    Love
    J xxx

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  3. Hi Chrissie so nice to hear from you but I am sorry you are so down. Don't worry about the eating that can always be dealt with later but do keep a lid on the drinking which can so easily become a real problem and not easy to cure. I know i peep throwing suggestions at you but one day we will find one that works. How about this - do you have a local market - may I suggest that you buy some vegetables from the market. One it will get you out with people but not mixing in a threatening way you can chat to the stall keepers or not as you please. It might give you a bit of focus especially if the market in only on one day it will take effort but you can then sit back and be pleased with yourself. Give yourself a huge pat on the back for keeping off the booze so easy to give into. I look forward to hearing from you soon you can do this I have every faith in you it will get better and easier.

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