I didn't think of it as being depressed since it lacked the usual edge of anger and despair but of course now I'm looking back at it that's exactly what it was. And looking back further to this time last year and the year before I see a pattern I'd never noticed before reading a post by Rachel that makes me think I may have a form of SAD - I seem to get depressed at this time over and over and have more than once started taking antidepressants somewhere between mid September and mid November. Now I'm going to be taking Vit D supplements and I'm considering buying a SAD lamp for light therapy. I'm held back by being very unsure if I believe it works so if anyone has used one before I'd love to hear your opinions. Assuming of course anyone is left reading this after my abandonment.
In other news that might improve my mood (TMI alert - if you're squeamish or male you may want to stop reading now) yesterday I had my contraceptive implant removed from my arm. I've waited months and months for things to settle down and last week I decided not to wait any more. I got it because I occasionally had trouble remembering to take the pill every single day. I didn't do enough research up front though, and when I started suffering from the most common side effects - periods that last weeks or months - it seemed worth letting it 'bed in' rather than knee-jerk demanding it was taken straight out. After having TTOM for about 8 weeks total in a 3 month period I went to the doctor and he prescribed me the pill to get that under control. So now I was on massively higher doses of the hormones. And still having to remember to take the pill (although the risk of missing it meant a risk of a period not the risk of a baby) And after a couple of months the pills stopped suppressing the side effects anyway. Side effects that actually prevent you having sex obviously make it a very very very very good contraceptive but kind of remove the whole point of being on the contraceptive in the first place! Now it's gone and having a doctor dig it out of my arm under local anaesthetic (not literally dig - but it did put up a fight) is a small price to pay. I hope not overdosing on hormones will improve my mood (not yet but my levels probably haven't dropped much since 10:30 yesterday morning) and also, if I'm lucky, take the edge off the mind numbingly slow and frustrating process of weight loss since I came off the mirtrazapine. While I didn't binge during my time offline, diet and training definitely were not close to being a priority. Yesterday AND Monday we had takeaways for dinner and I was not gluten free either. So I have probably undone several weeks worth of dieting in 2 days given how slow my progress has been. I'm slightly afraid to weigh myself in case depression at the number on the scale leads to a comfort binge.
God I'm a mess.
I bet you wish I'd stayed offline...