Wednesday, 10 August 2016

Tuesday

I meant to post yesterday but in the end felt too tired and bored by my day to bother. While I'm not earning anything I'm trying not to spend anything, so every day ends up looking the same: I walked to the library, borrowed some books, read the books. A little cooking but not much because I'm finally losing some weight and don't want to tempt myself. Sometimes I mow the lawn, sometimes I do housework, sometimes I don't, and none of it is very interesting. Always I look for jobs, sometimes I apply for jobs, nothing ever comes of the jobs.
If the above reads as self pitying that's an accurate interpretation. If it reads as depressed, so is that. If it sounds frustrated that is also correct. I could really enjoy being off if I wasn't feeling guilty (which is ridiculous since I didn't quit my last job and I am trying to find another) for not being fruitfully employed. M thinks I'm nuts. I think I'm nuts. The problem is because I'm trying to find a job and want to get on with it I'm not doing the kind of thing I'd like to do if I was retired - I'm not starting classes or volunteering at charity shops because if something comes up I'd be abandoning them at short notice in order to make a living. Basically I'm in limbo and quite often find it hard to force myself even to take a shower. (I'm embarrassed to admit I don't always succeed)
So if I disappear for a day or two or three or four... it probably means I didn't bother getting out of bed and don't want to write about another day imitating a vegetable.

1 comment:

  1. If you didn't have the guilt feeling about not 'working' (i.e. paid employment), what would you enjoy dong with your time? Some sort of crafting? Reading? decorating? Is there something you could do at home that didn't matter if you stayed in pjs all day?
    ((((hugs))))
    J xxx

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