Friday, 29 July 2016

Day 5

I avoided total binge today by the skin of my teeth - but I did eat crappy annoying sugary garbage in unnecessary quantities. Hey, at least I am learning to spot the warning signs, now I just have to figure out how to stop the free fall...
Today was annoyingly hot and sticky but I was able to get out of the house - and walked over 5, nearly 5 and a half miles. Of course some of that was to buy chocolate but...
Still no jobs. Mildly depressed about that. Thanks Joy & Rachel for your support - sorry I'd already done something stupid :-(

Thursday, 28 July 2016

Day 4

Still no job.
Still no binge.
Are the two things connected?
Today was fairly dull so I apologise for the dullness of the resulting post.
I slept well last night and woke up feeling OK. As the morning wore on though I seemed to run out of energy. I would have gone out for a walk in the hope it would be refreshing, but I was waiting in for a phone call - which didn't materialise until 12:40. In that call a guy who was supposed to be coming round to the house today said he had to visit one other customer first, then he'd come to us. I think I was justified in assuming he would arrive between 13:30 and 14:00 don't you? Nope, he actually arrived just after 15:30 and was here for half an hour - so I literally wasn't able to leave the house till 16:05, and while hanging about waiting for him, spent so long lying on the bed that I started to wonder if I could be getting bed sores! 
When he finally left I dashed out to Tesco because the interminable wait had me longing for a beer. I do feel that going to the supermarket in that mood, I deserve to be proud of the fact that I didn't buy all the gf cookies and cakes - and even more proud of the fact that I didn't really want to! But I have to admit that I have been having some thoughts and feelings that are familiar from past pre-binges - so please keep your fingers crossed for me and if possible tell me not to be stupid before I dive back into that self destructive pool...

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Day 3

Two consecutive bad nights = low energy and some grumpiness. 
Still no binge though!
I've taken a sleep aid, I took it earlier than the manufacturer recommends because it generally takes longer to kick in than they say but tonight seems to be different  zzzzzzzzzzz

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Day 2

In the past two days I haven't found a single contract to apply for. I'm not applying for jobs all over the country yet, or permie jobs, I'm only looking for a local contract but the market is dire. I'm not going to say I regret my last contract ending, but being off isn't all rainbows, unicorns and kittens.
My back is a lot better today - not 100% but about 80% better, which is good. I walked another 6 miles today in between spending a few hours at the library because of Internet troubles again - happily they have free WiFi for members. I was quite impressed by how busy it was - in the morning it was full of kids, joining the library so they take part in a reading challenge to be completed over the summer holidays, and in the afternoon there was some kind of discussion group - from the outside I wasn't certain I'd they were talking movies or book - or maybe movie adaptations of books - but they seemed quite enthusiastic. It's nice to see that library being used properly - and hopefully it should protect it in the next run of closures (the local council is currently in consultation over which to keep)
It was bright and sunny all day but I felt it was a bit cooler and that was welcome. Especially for the walks and my morning visit to the skip with a car load of grass clippings. 
Apart from the skip and the Internet problems it was quite a quiet, pleasant day. If someone would like to pay me for that it would be nice....

Monday, 25 July 2016

I'm free!!!

My last day at work was a bit weird. I was busy all day - which should not be the case when you've been told that you're not needed. In fact they were at panic stations trying to get a lot of work done very quickly, and I helped as much as I could just so that the day would pass more quickly. Over the weekend I was a bit up and down in my spirits - Saturday especially was kind of emotional. Yet I didn't binge - wasn't even tempted. I did a little walking both days and M collected his new motorbike from the showroom on Saturday - that was about all that happened. 
And so to today. My first unemployed day was kind of weird, frustrating and ultimately painful. I had made up a list of chores to get done this week, planning to do something every day and still have time to enjoy some of my time off. But this morning, after doing a rather belated house tidy, I discovered that I couldn't connect to the Internet - and I didn't manage to until after lunch. So instead of going for a leisurely walk in the morning I mowed the lawn and spent hours hitting the connect button on my network preferences, swearing and threatening to destroy all the computer hardware in the house. 
I then walked to the hairdressers for a trim (should have happened two weeks ago). After lunch I went to the library and Tesco, and then later realised I'd forgotten to get lettuce for a salad I was planning for this evening so I went back again. All in all I walked just under 6.5 miles (including the lawn mowing) and was quite pleased with that.
I always find that the repetitive motions of hoovering or mowing (or mopping floors) make my back ache. Yes, I know that sounds like an excuse to get out of housework, but it's not. That's why I originally planned to hoover today, mow tomorrow or Wednesday, and take things easy. I should have stuck to that plan because by about 3 this afternoon I had to take a coolish bath to try to relax it a bit - which helped for a while and then wore off. Hopefully it will sort itself out over night.... Right now? It hurts quite a lot. Quite a lot.

Thursday, 21 July 2016

Only one more day to go

I went into the office today and my back repeatedly seized up in protest. I think the drive in to work was enough to annoy it and it just never let up.
Despite the back ache I still behaved myself in terms of food; needless to say I didn't train or get a real walk. I was busy all day and didn't have time to get bored, which definitely helps time move a lot quicker. Now that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel it's not quite as unbearable working there - isn't that just typical!

Wednesday, 20 July 2016

Still too damned hot

I worked from home again today and barely left the house because of the unbearable heat. I did pop to the library and Tesco at lunchtime - about 2 miles - but I didn't enjoy it much given the temperature. 
Still no desire to binge at all - possibly the lack of crap in the house helps with that, but then I did walk around Tesco without feeling the urge. Even though I was shattered after about 4 hours sleep last night. I was partly struggling with the heat and humidity but I also managed to walk into a side table before bed and badly bruising my little toe - and every time I turned over and my toe rubbed against the bed sheet it instantly woke me up again. What an idiot! Moral of the story - if walking into a dark room, turn on the damn light and watch where you're going... Come to think of it, maybe that was another reason I didn't enjoy my lunchtime walk...

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Miracles do happen

I didn't notice this until quite late yesterday but hearing the 'bad' news about my contract switched off my desire to binge :-D
OK it could just be that I sickened myself on all the crap I ate last week, but I prefer to believe that I was bingeing because I was miserable working there and now I don't have to for much longer I feel better without the need for comfort foods.
My eating yesterday was angelic. I didn't get any more exercise after my morning walk because it would have been like trying to walk in a sauna (and because of the back pain of course) but that didn't bother me much either. 
This morning I decided to work from home - lying on the sofa to be exact - and went for a very gentle 3 mile walk before starting work. Amazing what a difference not having to drive 40 miles makes to the morning. I hoped to go back out at lunchtime despite the heat - after all I could shower and change or sit around sweaty without having anyone else to consider - but it was so uncomfortable I decided against it in the end. Instead I did laundry and made mayonnaise which I suppose was more productive. I haven't made mayo for weeks, looking forward to egg mayo and tuna mayo :-)
So all in all, feeling much much happier today. Now all I need is to get another job (a better paid, more convenient, less stressful job of course) fairly quickly...

Monday, 18 July 2016

Aaarrgghhhh owwwww owwww

Last week sucked HUGELY - I binged 3 times and overate junk over the weekend as well. I am not going to say anything more about that because I am losing the will to live just thinking about it.
This morning I woke up at 2am thanks to the heat and tried to get back to sleep for over 2 hours before giving in and getting up. I had a bad back as well thanks to spending some time battling brambles in the back garden on Saturday and Sunday - scenes reminiscent of The Day of the Triffids but more violent.
I got to work this morning to discover that the refurb that was happening over the weekend wasn't finished - and that I wasn't actually on the new desk plan so had nowhere to sit. At this point I was feeling negative enough to consider driving back home as 'clearly' they were trying to tell me something. I didn't, because I needed to get last week's time sheet signed, and went for a walk instead. It wasn't particularly enjoyable, partly due to the bad back and worse mood, partly due to the heavy fog throughout the village.
When I went back to the office (which I did early still because I was busy convincing myself that I might as well get a massive Danish pastry from the bakery of doom) I was told to use a temporarily empty desk 'for now' - so I don't know what will happen if their recruitment efforts succeed. I do know I'm not now sitting near the other testers, which is not great. Then, having been told where to sit, I brought my desktop and monitors upstairs and finished off my back in the process.

I hate everything, everyone and life itself. 

I have not yet binged today. I can't comment on how long that is likely to last.

ETA  I was right - they were trying to tell me something. I finish on Friday and you know I'd be dancing on the ceiling apart from the state of the post-Brexit economy. Brace yourself for complaints about job hunting for the foreseeable future....

Thursday, 14 July 2016


I didn't binge yesterday so that was good. I totally agree, Joy, boredom is a major binge trigger for me - as is letting myself get too hungry, depression, anxiety and the abundant presence of binge triggering foods. Basically I'd be fine if I was shut in a small room with no refined carbs sitting around, with a TV and a big pile of books, and no worries about jobs, money, politics or health.
Anyone know of a job like that?
I took a short walk after work yesterday to pick up a repeat prescription from the clinic. I wasn't very happy to discover that I had an aching back quite soon on the walk - it's been stopping me training for a few days but I always expect to be able to walk without discomfort, particularly on walks of under about 3 miles. Weather permitting I plan to get the prescription filled at lunchtime today, a similar length of walk, so I'll hope it won't be as painful. The BBC says it will be sunny all morning and sunny intervals from lunchtime on, so it will probably be pouring with rain.
Today I had another quite big breakfast and again left my cash behind. I don't really want to eat that much at breakfast - especially immediately before getting in the car to drive 41 miles - but it's worth it if it helps. If it helps... We'll see. I'd also be happier not having to clear out my purse, but that definitely does help, so I'll have to suck it up.
Well, another boring days work awaits me...

Wednesday, 13 July 2016

Why oh why???

Yeah. So. I did binge yesterday. Full on binge at lunchtime followed by pizza and beer in the evening.
I wish I knew why I do that to myself. Almost everything I ate was stuffed with gluten (apart from the chocolate) and now I have diarrhoea and general buyer's remorse. 
I am definitely a work in (no) progress. 

Back on the wagon today. 

I wasn't up to training this morning thanks to the dodgy tummy. Or walking, for the same reason. Yes, I could take imodium or something but I'm in favour of my body being able to clear out the toxins I force fed it ASAP so I won't do that lightly.
I had a larger breakfast than normal today in hopes that being very full would discourage eating out of boredom or guilt. I'll see how that goes through the morning. I also cleared the cash from my purse so that I can't use the vending machine.
Back to the beginning again...

Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Oops - did it again

Yesterday didn't get better, in fact by lunchtime I was so tired that I fell into a carb frenzy and basically pigged out. Not quite 'binge till it hurts' territory but definitely close to it - and I only stopped because I ran out of cash.
Ah well, it's a work in progress.
This morning I didn't plan to train and that's lucky because once again I only woke up in the shower.
I've been good so far - it isn't yet 9am of course - but I have to admit that I am feeling the urge to just do it again. Why is eating crap addictive and being good / dieting / exercising basically repellent?

Monday, 11 July 2016

Monday moaning

This morning (if you can call it that) I woke up around 2, lay awake for ages, then dozed off lightly just in time to almost sleep through my alarm. So it's probably not surprising that I was in the shower before I woke up enough to remember that I'd intended to train. So I skipped training this morning. Again.
Must get into the habit properly, I want to be in a position where I sleep walk down to the climber when I'm not really conscious rather than into the shower.
Anyway. It's Monday so by definition I'm depressed. I found no jobs to apply for and no one gave me a million pounds over the weekend so I'm back at work. And while technically I'm aware that very few people want to go to work, and many people dislike their jobs, I'm pretty sure it's worse for me. Because.
As I was driving to the office this morning feeling fed up already I wondered briefly if perhaps a fruit danish the size of my head would cheer me up. Remarkably I concluded that it wouldn't, because I'd still be going to my crappy job on a Monday morning and it was that, not the lack of a fruit danish, making me feel so cheerful. So I didn't bother, which is a win anyway. So long as I manage to keep thinking that way through lunchtime as well of course.
I experimented with some new recipes at the weekend - a delicious kimchi and pork belly soup (very pungent), a lovely Thai chicken soup and a recipe for something called Cuban Picadillo. I also tried making yoghurt with skimmed milk and milk powder but (I think) used too much milk powder as it thickened up but acquired a slightly gummy texture that I'm not exactly loving. So far the full fat version is very much my favourite though I'll try again for the fat free version next weekend for my diet's sake.

Thursday, 7 July 2016

Thursday at home

I worked from home today so that I could get my car serviced - I arranged to get it collected and returned to the house so I could still fit in a full day's work. I can't help feeling it's a good thing as something weird happened after work yesterday and it hasn't cleared yet. I was fine all the way home including my detour to buy the totally essential coffee beans, but once I got home I got suddenly clumsier and more stupid than usual and I've no idea why. I was dropping or knocking over everything I touched, spilling things all over the place, and managed to blend the blade in my mini blender by somehow accidentally dropping it into my magimix along with some broccoli and cauliflower I wanted to puree for soup. It was extreme tiredness I guess, though it's weird that it just hit after I'd been fine all day at work. I decided to skip yoga and I fell asleep before 8 - unheard of! This morning I woke up stupidly early because I went to bed so early and skipped training because I felt so groggy and heavy. I only took a short walk after work and never stopped feeling tired - I think my sleep is poor at the moment because of the heat and humidity at night. 
At least I didn't try to eat myself awake....though I might have if I'd been in the office as someone brought cake in. I swear this is the worst office I've ever worked in for that - if everyone isn't at least pre-diabetic I don't know why...
And I'm not finding any jobs to apply to so that I can escape either. Goddamn it.

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

My new least favourite day

I've always hated Mondays but now I'm feeling like Wednesday might be worse... It always seems like a really long day and like it's been 134577 days since the weekend. Today is even worse because this morning we ran out of coffee beans.... the horror! Today I actually feel a passionate desperate desire to be curled up in bed with a bottle (yes - bottle not glass) of whisky and a good book. However that is not an option.
Before I discovered the calamitous disaster of the missing coffee beans I trained again. I doubt if I would have had the strength had I realised I could only have one proper cup of coffee afterwards... Once I did realise I had no choice but to go to work before our local Tesco opened, so as soon as I reached the office I started trying to find beans in the village. The convenience store didn't have any and nor did The Bakery Of Doom (even though they sell freshly brewed coffee made with a bean to cup machine) and those were my only early morning options. Then I was let down by the garden centre farm shop and the other convenience store. Apparently these philistines use only roast and ground coffee. Now all I can do is make a pitstop on the way home from work - that being the case, I'll be stunned if the motorway isn't blocked for several hours this evening. How on earth did I manage to run out of coffee???
On the plus side all the manic racing from shop to shop meant I walked 3 miles in addition to training (and in case you wondered, despite entering every shop in the village while armed with my purse, I didn't even want to binge!!!)
When I got back into the office I was hurriedly eating my lunch when I inhaled a piece of meat (spicy meat at that) and basically almost choked to death. My throat was burning from the spices as well as the choking, I had tears pouring down my face, I couldn't stop coughing, my nose was running.... I'm so glamorous and poised all the time it would make you sick ;-D

Tuesday, 5 July 2016


Not a great deal to post about today. Got up, trained, ran around like a loonie getting ready for work, drove to work, worked, didn't walk, drove home, cooked, did yoga. 
One day in one sentence.
Wow. The excitement.
In other news, I'm not thin yet. 

Monday, 4 July 2016

Another Monday

So annoying the way Mondays keep on popping up every week...
I trained this morning and felt ok afterwards but later in the morning I found my back felt tight and uncomfortable - enough to need painkillers - so I think I'm going to have to try to incorporate stretching into my routine. I find stretching really boring but I'll just have to suck it up I guess. (I have a feeling I've said that before (200000 times?) but this time I got as far as doing a Yoga PM stretch, breathe and relax session this evening. I'm so inflexible at the moment it wasn't that relaxing during, but now I've finished I feel pretty good and the back is the best it's been all day. Curses- that means I'll have to try to keep it up!)
At lunchtime I had to pop out briefly but managed not to pig out despite forgetting my morning snack and being really hungry all morning. 
My morning snack was intended to be a portion of my new batch of homemade yogurt, made yesterday from semi skimmed milk. I tried to make some on Saturday but M distracted me at a key moment and I ruined it by adding the starter when the milk was too warm - it came out mostly so thin it was drinkable but with lumps in it, so I settled for blending it and then using the resulting thin yogurt as a type of homemade Actimel - very unsatisfactory. I was much more conscientious yesterday and it turned out much thicker; it's also a lot more sour tasting than the first batch (not a complaint, just an observation) and I'm not sure if that's because I used a different yogurt starter or because of the lower fat milk. I may need to sweeten this batch, but I have yet to strain it to try it properly. Or, if I feel it isn't sweet enough to eat 'neat' I could just use it to make curries as Diane suggested, rather than adding artificial sweetener or my favourite - honey! So many decisions to make!

Sunday, 3 July 2016

Friday & Saturday

No, I didn't binge on Friday, I didn't sulk and pout and refuse to post because I hate everything either. I realised early on Friday morning that there was a particular reason for feeling so crappy the day before and that reason was the development of a full blown migraine from what I thought was just a persistent nagging headache. It's been years since I had a migraine that followed the pattern of a full week of headaches till the day my head exploded, so that's my excuse for not working it out sooner.
So Friday was a day of lying in bed while someone tried to chisel out my brain alternated with an overwhelming desire to throw up everything I'd ever eaten. Lying in a darkened room with an eye mask on most of the time. Feeling sorry for myself all the time. I bet you wish I'd managed to post while all this joy was fresh don't you???
By Friday evening the migraine pills had finally hammed things into a manageable level and I was starving so we ordered a takeaway and then I went back to bed.
Saturday I woke up feeling human again - at least enough to eat three normal meals (no snacks) and walk 5 miles (it would have been more but the weather, and some necessary chores, got in the way). I did manage to hurt my back by going slightly insane at the library and borrowing about 12 books that I then had to carry home, but that just meant I had plenty to read while lying flat and cursing every time I moved. So far it isn't hurting today though.
Now I'm hoping for decent weather today so I can get out for another ok walk. The forecast looks ok, but it did yesterday too, so I don't have much faith in it.