I'm going to try to take all your advice! So I'm working on not giving in to the self loathing that wants to follow on from my binge, and I have decided to try to shift my focus from weight to health as well. Which is where the title of the post comes in, because I'm really not sure I remember what healthy feels like... except that it's not what I see when I look in the mirror.
The first thing I have to work on is definitely the bingeing. The last twice I've binges I've felt as though I've eaten so much I can hardly breathe and suffered physical pain. To be fair to myself I'm not convinced that these sensations are really entirely down to the volume of food - I think it's also because the binges involved gluten and / or non-gluten grains and due to my usually avoiding them I bloat up pretty much instantly when I do eat them. So step one has to be eating clean, which to me means no grains at all.
Once I've got that one underway step two will have to be portion sizes. Normal portion sizes for everyday eating PLUS working on the bingeing thing - both the bingeing itself and the attitude towards myself when /if I have a relapse.
I'd like to go back to intermittent fasting but I'm not going to try that till I've adjusted to the first two things. Especially not bingeing as IF can be a trigger if you do it wrong - as I know from experience. Wanting to IF is not just about weight loss for me by the way, it does actually make me feel healthier in terms of my immune system, my crazy brain and my energy levels.
So if I can make progress on all the above I should improve my health and hopefully my weight will naturally stabilise. Then I can look at my food and exercise levels and adjust them in search of weight loss. It sounds like a lot of work, a lot of effort and a long time - I have to try to remember that the time will pass anyway, whether I spend it profitably by making these changes or waste it on binges and feeling sorry for myself.
Today was a good start. I didn't binge and wasn't even tempted to. I felt calmer and almost serene... I know better than those assume it will last but I'll enjoy it while it does :-)