Tuesday, 31 May 2016


If you know me at all you probably guessed that I binged on Friday and didn't want to blog about it again. I swore I'd do better, and on Saturday I did, but then Sunday I overate again without quite bingeing. Then yesterday I weighed myself (sorry Diane!) and was HORRIFIED.... to see exactly the weight I saw when I first started my successful diet about 8 -10 years ago - to the pound. A weight I swore I'd never see again, a weight that motivated me so much that time that I never even stumbled on my diet for months.
So yesterday I was very much better, tracking my food and everything, and today I was nearly 4 lbs lighter - bloody water retention - but the effect of that horrible shock has not worn off. I didn't walk before work today (partly out of fear of the bakery and partly because of the cold windy weather) or at lunchtime, when it was pouring with rain and still windy with it. I deliberately emptied out my purse before leaving home, removing all change that could have been used in the vending machine. And... I am back on the wagon - this time it's personal. And essential as I threw away all my fat clothes years ago and cannot afford a complete new wardrobe. My plan is to avoid temptation by avoiding walks unless I leave my money behind. I won't worry about proper training either to start with since we all know you can't outrun your mouth - and I am prone to feel like I've 'earned' a 'treat' if I exercise. 
Which turns into a feast and then a binge. Training will come later when I adapt to the calorie counted eating. (I wanted my lunch by 10 am today - not the best start)

Thursday, 26 May 2016


This morning didn't start as well as yesterday. I did get to the office early and head out for a walk but it was quite chilly so I wasn't really feeling it. I needed to buy some rolls for M and that turned into a purchase of crap I shouldn't have bought or eaten - but of course I did both. And as a result of the shopping / not feeling it I only just made 2 miles before work.
Not the end of the world but a disappointing start....
Also my back is bugging me again - big time 

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

Into the swing

Now that the new job is a little less terrifying I can start to try to get to some kind of routine.
This morning I drove to the office ridiculously early again (I actually arrived at 6:54) and popped in to drop off my bag and use the bathroom before taking a walk. I found a fairly large area of the village I didn't see yesterday including a number of shops that might prove useful as well as a duck pond, and by 8 had already walked nearly 3 miles. Obviously doing that will depend on the weather and also on whether I am able to start (and finish) work earlier once I'm settled in - as much as I enjoyed it it won't trump having the ability to beat the rush hour on the way home.
I popped into the bakery before returning to the office but escaped with only a coffee. So it can be done!

I went out for a second walk at lunchtime giving me a total distance of 5.25 miles and again succeeded in not buying a slice of cake the size of my head (though I was tempted)

Tuesday, 24 May 2016

First day on new job today

My plan to resist bingeing yesterday wasn't entirely successful - I ate binge worthy calories but spread them out over a longer period so it doesn't count as a binge purely semantically. As I was feeling a bit stressed about the new job and the need to buy bigger clothes I'm not hammering myself as much as I often do. Particularly as I also took 3 walks adding up to a satisfactory 7+ miles.
This morning I was intending to leave for work around 7 and then take a walk until 9 for my first day. Of course I left early out of nerves and the journey went very smoothly so I arrived at the office at 7:25!!! I chickened out of the early walk because it occurred to me I might get back to find my car had been clamped or something as I didn't know if I was parking in the right place - so I ate breakfast in the car and read a book on my phone for an hour then needed the bathroom so I went in still early.
Everyone seems nice but as always there's a steep learning curve as the guy I'm taking over from is only working 5 more days so I have only that long to pick his brains.
The weather was quite nice so I did go out on an exploratory walk at lunchtime. It's a pleasant little village, possibly not large enough to offer varied walks, but who can argue with thatched cottages?

Tragically there is a bakery which I accidentally sampled to celebrate surviving my first morning....

Monday, 23 May 2016


I was feeling better by the end of Friday although my body didn't agree till Saturday morning. Unfortunately any hope I had that the bug might lead to a weight loss boost died because I was so hungry when I did start eating again - I misbehaved most of the weekend, but narrowly avoided descending into binge mode.
Today I'm working from home some of the day - for the end of my short term contract - and trying to be a little more restrained the rest of the day. Happily the weather forecast suggests I'll be able to get at least a lunchtime walk, maybe more if there's not much work to do. One thing I think I'll be doing is buying at least one cheap skirt suitable for work so I can be more or less comfortable despite the lack of weight loss. I hate shopping for bigger clothes but I'm clinging to the thought of health first, weight loss later to console myself. Sigh.

Friday, 20 May 2016


M and I are both battling a stomach bug that started yesterday and got much worse over night. I say we're both battling it but of course I really mean I'm battling it and he's lying in a darkened room requesting painkillers and anti-diarrhoea drugs and electrolyte drinks... 
On a more cheerful note I got the contract and start next Tuesday. 6 months - much more stable than recent times. Fingers crossed the commute doesn't have me quitting in a month.
Now I have to go groan self pityingly and not eat anything despite being ravenous as everything I consumed in the last 24 hrs passed straight through me...

Thursday, 19 May 2016


I had my telephone interview yesterday after work and it seemed to go very well. They had one more interview to do this morning - someone much more junior and less experienced but also, of course, cheaper than me. I should find out what they decided by the end of the day today - there is a risk they'll go for the cheapest option and accept the possible risks involved in doing so.
The project sounded quite challenging which isn't a bad thing, but if I'm offered it I'm not looking forward to the commute much. 
My eating wasn't too bad. I tried on some more professional clothes in case it's a formal office and was very unhappy with the fit of the ones I could get on, so I'm now eating lots of salad in an attempt to quickly produce at least a slight improvement. I haven't had to wear formal clothes to work for a couple of years and I'm afraid I'll have to shop for bigger sizes - which I very much resent for work only. Even when it's my own fault!
Watch this space for further developments...

Wednesday, 18 May 2016


Yesterday wasn't a great day foodwise as I went insane and ate (normal gluteny) white bread with low sugar marmalade on it (twice) as well as far too many nuts (and a sausage roll. And...).
But it never progressed to a binge - I just grazed pretty constantly. So I never caused myself actual pain, which is the thing that worries me most when I do binge. (It's not just physically unhealthy, which is reason enough to not do it, but psychologically too. I wouldn't force feed my greatest enemy so why do I force feed myself?)
I skipped dinner because I wasn't hungry (and had already eaten enough calories for a week) and just got on with things. Which I guess is healthier than a lot of days I've had.
Today I plan to not do anything that stupid. Let's see if it works.
Oh, I had a short walk. And spent quite a lot of time on the phone with an agent who claims to have a contract I'm perfect for but disappeared when it was time to arrange an interview. Maybe he'll be back today, who knows.

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

I fell asleep yesterday

Before I could post. And slept pretty well too!
Since we last spoke I've been continuing to feel a lot better and haven't binged. I have overeaten as I'm constantly hungry, but at the moment I'm going with it a lot more in an attempt to just get better.
On Saturday I woke up with a splitting headache. Remember when I said my new antidepressant might lead to me waking up 'hungover' when not hungover? Like that. I felt dodgy all day Saturday even after the headache subsided so I barely moved from the bed except to cook and literally didn't leave the house.
On Sunday I walked a short walk but not very far and did some shopping. I tried to watch a movie but it wasn't very gripping so I fell asleep on the sofa (even though it was full of screams and yells, battle scenes and explosions :-) )
Yesterday was a day off mandated by my boss because she felt she had no work for me. It was quite a weird day really. I had a Tesco order delivered just after 9 and spent the rest of the day failing to go for a walk. I did however experiment with a 'paleo' grain free granola (and ate too much of it), watched a movie, did some laundry, posted back some lovefilm movies, mowed the lawn... the grass had put on a growing spurt thanks to the rain last week - I was not impressed, as I was quite happy with its previous pace.  I say happy, but what I really want is a lawn that grows to a high of 3/4 inch then stops growing. But failing that, I was accepting of its previous rate of growth.
I'd been constipated all weekend from the unaccustomed fibre I'd started eating - that changed yesterday.
And then I took my antidepressant and fell asleep without further ado.

Since deciding to change up my focus and my eating plan I've eaten:
lamb mince, beef mince, chicken, pork shoulder steaks, bacon, Greek yoghurt, cashew nuts, almonds and eggs for protein.
asparagus, broccoli, spinach, courgette, onion and mushrooms
fresh melon, dried dates and a few raisins
double cream and peanut butter for fat

Friday, 13 May 2016

What does healthy look like anyway?

Thanks for your lovely comments yesterday, you're all absolutely right and I really appreciate hearing it.
I'm going to try to take all your advice! So I'm working on not giving in to the self loathing that wants to follow on from my binge, and I have decided to try to shift my focus from weight to health as well. Which is where the title of the post comes in, because I'm really not sure I remember what healthy feels like... except that it's not what I see when I look in the mirror.
The first thing I have to work on is definitely the bingeing. The last twice I've binges I've felt as though I've eaten so much I can hardly breathe and suffered physical pain. To be fair to myself I'm not convinced that these sensations are really entirely down to the volume of food - I think it's also because the binges involved gluten and / or non-gluten grains and due to my usually avoiding them I bloat up pretty much instantly when I do eat them. So step one has to be eating clean, which to me means no grains at all. 
Once I've got that one underway step two will have to be portion sizes. Normal portion sizes for everyday eating PLUS working on the bingeing thing - both the bingeing itself and the attitude towards myself when /if I have a relapse.
I'd like to go back to intermittent fasting but I'm not going to try that till I've adjusted to the first two things. Especially not bingeing as IF can be a trigger if you do it wrong - as I know from experience. Wanting to IF is not just about weight loss for me by the way, it does actually make me feel healthier in terms of my immune system, my crazy brain and my energy levels.
So if I can make progress on all the above I should improve my health and hopefully my weight will naturally stabilise. Then I can look at my food and exercise levels and adjust them in search of weight loss. It sounds like a lot of work, a lot of effort and a long time - I have to try to remember that the time will pass anyway, whether I spend it profitably by making these changes or waste it on binges and feeling sorry for myself.
Today was a good start. I didn't binge and wasn't even tempted to. I felt calmer and almost serene... I know better than those assume it will last but I'll enjoy it while it does :-)

Thursday, 12 May 2016

Massive binge yesterday

Frankly I'm beginning to lose the will to even try to lose weight. Or blog about how hugely I'm failing at it.

Tuesday, 10 May 2016


I really wanted to binge today - really really wanted to. Luckily my only source of bingey food this morning was a vending machine that only takes coins and I didn't have enough coins, and at lunchtime it was raining so I couldn't get to the shops for junk food OR to get cash so all in all I didn't binge. I can't say I feel any sense of virtue in that as I'm very sure my self control would not have triumphed under different circumstances. 
Also the weather prevented exercise at lunchtime so the day dragged by and I was thoroughly frustrated with the developers of the system I'm testing and Aaaaaaarggh
Just... Aaarrgghhhh 

Monday, 9 May 2016


Today wasn't great TBH. I had been asked not to go into work today - or work from home - because the developers of the system I'm testing were planning some maintenance work that would render the system unavailable for the day (spoiler alert - it didn't happen) so I didn't set me alarm.
I woke up quite late for me but it wasn't because I'd slept through the night, in fact I'd had the worst night since switching antidepressants and felt decidedly groggy.
I dragged myself out of bed, had my coffee, and decided to try something M suggested over the weekend - switching from my normal endurance style training on the climber to an Interval style. Basically getting on the machine, going hell for leather for as long as possible, taking an 'active break' walking / lungeing / squatting my way around the room until my heart stopped pounding, then repeating for 20 minutes.  I wonder why it didn't occur to me that it wasn't a great idea when feeling sub par to start with? Anyway I did it - gave up on the intervals 14 minutes into the show I was watching because I was so knackered, and then strolled down to the post box to send back some movies. After that I felt like CRAP, completely awful.
I didn't have a binge today but I ate way too much over the entire day trying to feel less awful. I was looking for an energy boost more than anything, and I'm actually pleased that I mostly stuck to fat and protein without gorging on refined carbs. (probably only because I didn't have them in the house and lacked the energy to walk anywhere to buy them)
I retired to bed mid morning to try to nap but was too hot and it was too light - I struggle to nap when its daylight.
After lunch I tried again but with no more luck, so I gave up. Instead I mowed the lawn (why does the damn grass - and weeds, especially the weeds - keep growing back? Why can't it take the hint and recognise that I want it short for goodness sake?), made some aioli, prepped some lunch and breakfast foods for the next few days and generally pottered around. Luckily none of it took much concentration or intelligence.
It was around then that I heard that the system maintenance work hadn't gone ahead as planned. So I missed a day that I could have worked - possibly not a bad thing given all the moaning up ahead, at least I wasn't stuck in the office feeling crappy and spending every penny I could find on junk food. (However that will probably now happen another day.)
But I'm not happy with how much I ate. But I didn't have a drink.  Or a proper walk.
I did do some laundry. And register to vote.
My life is so exciting.
And I have to do a Self Assessment. Crap crap crapity crap

Saturday, 7 May 2016

Friday & Saturday

I worked from home yesterday and wasn't the weather glorious? I only walked 4 miles taking a long lunch break but it was nice to expose my blindingly white legs to the sunshine for the first time this year :-)
I ate well - had slightly too much food but only from foods that fit into my current plan - very low carb, moderate protein, high fat diet. I did drink, but just one double whisky to celebrate completing my first week back at work.
This morning I weighed in and I'm now a smidgen less than 5 lbs down from the horrifying number I saw last week (whichever day it was - Tuesday? Wednesday? I can't bring myself to check and remind myself how depressing it was). I'm still significantly above even my tolerable high weight, but the big drop this week has confirmed that there was a lot of water sloshing around in my system when I gave myself that scare.
Now I just have to stay on the straight and narrow long enough to get back to a more satisfactory weight.
This morning started a little overcast but quickly cleared and even before the sun appeared it was quite warm. I went for a long walk this morning - I walked to the Morrisons in Wokingham as my local store has let me down by never having any packs of pork rinds available when I go in. I walked just over 10 miles despite cheating and catching a train part of the way back because I was finding the heat a bit tiring. Most of the walk was on pavements alongside roads but there was a pleasant Park at the end:

Once again I had bare arms and legs so I've had a really good dose of Vitamin D today. I've collapsed rather now so I expect the afternoon will consist of reading, TV watching and cooking - nothing too energetic!

Thursday, 5 May 2016

Day 3

Today got off to a better start when I weighed in at 3 lbs less than yesterday - validating my belief that water retention played a part in yesterday's horror. The figure today is still horrible but by comparison a bit of a relief. Then I got dressed (in a skirt I wore quite often on my last contract) and was depressed all over again by the tighter fit. Not surprising but still not pleasant.
But what a lovely day it was - with real summery temperatures.
I managed - despite working a full day - to walk 6 miles! SIX MILES!
I went out at lunchtime and walked through a local park

Then after work just popped to Tesco, which was much less beautiful but still good. I wore shorts and a t-shirt! (Sadly the shorts were too tight :-( )
My food today was good but not quite perfect and I had one sip of white wine - just tasting some of M's wine. I feel good. If fat.

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

A day of two parts...

My day got off to a lousy start today when I weighed myself and nearly threw up in horror. However it was very very motivating....
I worked from home today and was quite busy and very productive. I was a bit worried at lunchtime that I was feeling kind of bingey so I didn't take a walk, instead I mowed the lawn before getting my lunch ready. And it worked! I had a near perfect day in terms of food and did go for a short walk after work without buying anything I shouldn't. I also didn't have any booze. So all in all it was a good day!
It was also a beautiful day all day with bright sunshine, very little wind, and warm enough to not need a jacket. As you can see from these sky rats cooling off in a fountain :-)

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

Working day

I started my unbelievably short contract today - 10 days of work as a user acceptance tester. For an hour or so I was quite happy to be back in an office and to catch up a little bit with people I worked with a year ago. Then I got bored, but that's testing for you :-)
At lunchtime I walked about 3.4 miles during the dullest part of an otherwise sunny day and avoided shopping for junk food although I did consider it.
All in all it was a reasonably good start to the contract. I didn't binge and haven't had any booze either. Yay me 

Monday, 2 May 2016


On Thursday I binged until I was in physical pain and felt nauseous.
Friday I.... binged again, though not as badly.
Saturday I overate and Sunday I overate... I'm so annoyed with myself. And ashamed of myself.
Today I did not binge or overeat significantly.
On Saturday I walked 5 miles, the other days only 2 or 3.
There is one piece of better news. I have been sleeping so much better the last few nights it is just amazing - and I haven't so far woken up feeling hungover so that is a relief. I don't know if it will last but right now I'm ready to get back on the diet.