Thursday, 28 April 2016


Last night I slept. This morning I napped. This lunchtime I binged.
Ah well, it is early days 

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

All change

I managed to get my appointment yesterday morning and the doctor actually listened which was nice. By the time I left I had a prescription for a different antidepressant that supposedly should help me sleep (there is a chance I could wake up in the morning feeling hungover though - guess if I'm hoping that doesn't happen) and also a prescription for the pill - I'm going to get my implant removed at some point since it has some rather unpleasant side effects. For the next week I'll be on a half dose of Citalopram and a full dose of the new one, while also having both a contraceptive implant and taking the mini pill. It is possible that I will be freaking insane for the next week with all that lot in my body - I already warned M about that :-)
Also yesterday I was expecting a delivery between 9 and 10. I received a text at 10:10 saying that they'd attempted delivery and left a card because no one was home. Not true obviously. I was spitting mad because I'd been pacing around the house for that hour, needing the bathroom but avoiding going in case I missed the delivery. So I went through the motions of checking online and phoning up about it and then eventually got an system saying it had been taken to a post office about 1.4 miles away. I went to my appointment, walked home for lunch, walked to the post office, collected my parcel, walked home, and then mowed the lawn before it could rain. Just writing that tires me out today - doing it completely knackered me yesterday. It was about 7 miles in total and of course it was following another lousy night - so I was no good to anyone after that. (This morning I found the failed delivery card - I'm pretty sure they left it at the wrong house and a neighbour brought it round last night.)
I confess that I ate some crappy refined carbs while walking back from the post office for some quick energy - but happily it didn't develop into a binge. 
All things considered I'm feeling reasonably optimistic today - hopefully that will last!

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

Still here

I haven't posted lately because every evening, when I usually post, I'm so dead tired that I just don't have the energy. I'm still sleeping appallingly due to the vivid dreams and some nights I can't even tell if I'm awake or asleep... until I get up and feel like a zombie all day. On Friday I had to pop out briefly but spent the rest of the day lying down reading. On Saturday I walked less than 2 miles and spent the rest of the day lying down... Sunday was exactly the same as Saturday...
Yesterday I had a couple of things going on that required me to be a little compos mentis - housework in preparation for a house inspection on the landlord's behalf and a phone call to hopefully secure a couple of week's contracting. it was M's birthday so I also popped out to buy him some wine for the evening. And apart from that... I lay down all day.
Today I've decided to go to the doctor if I can get an appointment to see if he can help. And I'm writing this so early because at this time of day I actually can type - kind of. Maybe this is a change I could make to ensure I do post, because I miss it when I don't. We'll see.
BTW still haven't binged (it would take too much effort)
I have had some booze that I hoped might help me sleep better - see above to decide if that worked :-(

Thursday, 21 April 2016

Thirteen days

Today was a better day:-) I got a walk which wasn't very long early on, but then afterwards spent another hour or so mowing the lawn - more exercise, the sun came out, and it helped me manage my 10000 steps.
The lawn mower was my very late delivery yesterday. I had to assemble it this morning before I went out so today felt almost productive.
I also didn't binge or even overeat. Happy days :-)

Wednesday, 20 April 2016

Twelve days

The sun was shining this morning, it was beautiful out there - and once again I was struck indoors waiting for an important delivery. Why can't it be gloomy when I can't go out and then sunny once the delivery arrives? Because then I would be less frustrated and feel less trapped, that's why! The delivery arrived at 17:40 - 17:40!!! And I'd been waiting since 08:00. I hate couriers who can't give a delivery slot, hate them hate them hate them.
So I got no walk today but I did get to spend some time on laundry and scrubbing bathrooms so that was JUST  as good as a walk in the sunshine....
Frustration compared with sadness at the sudden death of one of my favourite comedians - Victoria Wood - and today was not particularly enjoyable.
I drank a little bit this evening bit no binge still.

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

Eleven happy days

Not only no binge today but no desire to either!
I went to visit my Mum and her OH for the day, making the most of yet another day off work. (Don't ask, OK?)
I got there ridiculously early as I always do whenever I go anywhere and we chatted until rush hour was over before going to Malmesbury for a wander around. They'd been there before years ago, I'd never been and you know how much I love visiting new towns. It's a beautiful market town with lots of really old buildings including the partially ruined medieval Malmesbury Abbey. There was even some sunshine although it was mostly overcast. It was thoroughly lovely - peaceful and relaxing.

After enjoying a leisurely stroll around the town and a very good cappuccino we headed off for lunch at a pub restaurant near their home. I had a burger topped with bacon and brie - didn't eat the bun but did eat the chips it came with. Then it was back to the house to chat for a couple more hours before it was time to leave so that I could beat the rush hour traffic. 
The only thing I missed today was the opportunity for a proper walk. To be honest, I don't mind that a bit! 
Oh, no booze today either. I admit I did some drinking over the weekend but today - no desire, no temptation :-)

Monday, 18 April 2016

10 days... sort of

I still haven't binged but that by no means mens that I've stuck to my diet. I've been making bad food choices and bad booze choices and the two may be connected. But at no point did I descend to the point of bingeing and I'm still pleased about that, because I want to stop bingeing even more than I want to lose weight - I don't enjoy being the size I am, but it doesn't give me the panicky slightly sick self loathing desperation that bingeing does.

Saturday, 16 April 2016

Seven days

And the anxious-desire-to-binge feeling wore off overnight while I was managing to actually get some sleep.

I couldn't go for a proper walk today because I was expecting a delivery (something I didn't want to miss and have to collect or wait for) and all I was told was that it was out for delivery 'today' - not even morning or afternoon. So of course it was afternoon, but if I'd gone out in the morning it would definitely have come then.

I didn't train because I have a rash at the moment that seems to be exacerbated by sweating (the salt I would guess?) so today was a very idle day indeed. Possibly just what I needed. Although a friend of mine is currently running in the Marathon des Sables and he might justifiably think that I'm whinging about nothing if he wasn't running through the Sahara desert right now. He makes me feel inadequate...

Thursday, 14 April 2016

Six days

Still not bingeing although as I write this I'm feeling a bit anxious in a way that generally leads to a binge....
It could just be because I didn't have the energy for a proper walk today - a mere three and a half miles, all of it along roads  to avoid mud and nettles. Also no training obviously. Yesterday afternoon following my 8 mile walk I was so tired I ended up taking an unplanned nap - and in the process proved the theory that napping in the afternoon affects sleep that night. I was awake for hours, and not very happy by morning though at least most of the nettle stings had stopped burning and itching - unless I scratched my arm or ran water over any part of the affected areas. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight and have more energy tomorrow.

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Five days

What a beautiful morning it was today - bright sunshine, no wind to speak of, warm enough to go bare armed by lunchtime. That last bit wasn't necessarily a good thing for reasons that will become clear shortly...

I decided to push myself today and aimed for 8 miles. I was exploring - my usual approach to exploring involves strolling along, thinking "I wonder what's down that road / footpath  / track" and then finding out while having no clue where I am in the bigger picture sense. I like it, and it often works. As you can see above I found one of the more rural bits of Berkshire and, and, and... I saw a deer!!! It saw me too and bounded away before I could even remember I had my phone let alone take a picture. Still lovely to see, it put a huge smile on my face :-)

And then I slipped in some mud and put my right hand and forearm down in a nettle patch and here's why I regretted taking my jacket off because ouch ouch I was on fire from the elbow to the fingertips. It almost brought tears to my eyes. And not a dock leaf to be seen. One or two nettle stings are nothing but that was... unpleasant. And my arm still stings / tingles / burns a bit now.
I still managed my 8 miles quite happily and didn't stop off on the way to buy any carbs or junk food of any kind so did not binge again. Yay me. Also no booze. Didn't even think about it till now.

Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Four days

Still not bingeing or eating anything outside my plan (that is, any foods outside my plan. I was hungry today and chose to eat more of the good stuff to reduce the chance of doing something I'd regret)
Because I'm getting back into the diet after being truly appalling last week I'm not sure what my weight is - I couldn't face the scales for far too long. I'm also lacking energy (which is probably as much due to sleep issues as food issues) so I'm not training yet either. But I did manage to walk 5 miles today in the glorious sunshine - it felt like spring is finally here!

The chimney in the distance is a replica built as a reminder of a local brick factory that went out of business decades ago. I think it's a wonderful silhouette on a sunny day :-)

Monday, 11 April 2016

Three days

Three days since my last binge. One day (today) without sugar and I feel so much better.
I ate clean today and though I didn't train due to neck / shoulder pain I did walk 3 miles before the torrential rain arrived after lunch.
There are ducks on the pond but I don't know if you can make them out?
The job hunting continues and still hasn't produced a new contract but today instead of me being rejected I turned down the opportunity to go forward for a job that would have required working away from home - I might have to do so again but at the moment I'm trying to find something more local rather than jump straight into panic mode. I'm sure we all remember how badly I handled my last experiment in working away - and if anything I feel less able to cope now than I did then. So I need to get my head into a better place - and ideally my weight too - before I can do something like that again. Please everyone cross fingers for me to find something local so I don't have to worry about it!

Friday, 8 April 2016

Groan again

I was awake a lot of last night feeling like a horse kicked me in the kidney. Which is always nice.
But I've also had a lot of peculiar nights lately (don't get excited, this is not that kind of blog!!!) and I'm wondering if the antidepressants I'm on are screwing with my sleep patterns. I get to sleep more easily than normal but then have very restless nights which seem, as far as I can tell, to be filled with weird disturbing dreams that I can't remember once I wake up. It's hard to feel rested after a night like that. Possibly / probably as a result of the disturbed nights I'm having eye pain and head aches quite a bit too. Not much fun, and if it keeps up I think I'll have to go back to the doctor for advice. Has anyone else had any of these experiences while taking antidepressants? There are vague comments in the packaging about insomnia and headaches but I know I'm prone to blaming the pills for everything weird in my life.
Anyhow. Enough moaning and groaning.
Or maybe not. Over-ate again today. If you saw me you'd think I was trying to gain weight to win a prize. 
Where the hell is my binge off switch?

Thursday, 7 April 2016


Ate lots of crap trying to bury the stomach cramps. Now I have pain in the lower back and feel bloated. 
Roll on post-menopause life....

Tuesday, 5 April 2016

OK, bored now

Still no action on the job front. That's all I'm going to say about that.
I didn't train today as I don't want to overdo things at the start but I did go for quite a nice walk - about 5 miles. It was sunny, mild and spring like for a change although I was caught in a very light shower right before I got home. I found some woods to explore but they were too boggy today so I'll just have to remember them until the ground dries out.
After lunch I considered going back out but my conscience spoke up reminding me I had a house clean to do so I did the upstairs today and will do the downstairs tomorrow. Using the Dyson - one of my many least favourite jobs in housework - always makes my back ache a little bit so instead of going back out I just rested it afterwards because I want to be able to train again tomorrow.
I'm struggling with the diet at the moment. I'm hungry all the time and trying to find acceptable foods to eat within my calories isn't as easy as I'd hoped. I didn't mention it but I reintroduced veg - and I'm starting to wonder if that was a bad idea as when sticking to the zero carb thing I was rarely hungry and didn't need to snack which obviously made dieting easier. However I'm enjoying the veg at the moment so I'll give it a bit longer to see if my appetite settles down.

Monday, 4 April 2016

Unemployed Mondays aren't so bad

This morning I got up at my usual time but obviously didn't have to head out at 6:20 am. After my usual 2 full caffeine, one decaff coffees I got on the climber again - I also used it on Saturday. On Saturday I managed 25 minutes. Today I watched an episode of Criminal Minds and it distracted me so effectively that I stayed on the machine for 44 minutes, and then walked into town to buy M some peanut butter. If I'm honest half way into town my legs started hinting that maybe it wasn't entirely fair to ask them for more when they'd already done so much. By half way back from town they felt so heavy and tired I'm surprised I'm not still out there crawling home :-)
As a result I spent a lot of the day lying on the sofa in between doing some very perfunctory tidying up, dealing with 3 loads of laundry, and cooking up a batch of pork rinds. It wasn't a glamorous or exciting day off but after training I felt amazing and even feeling tired later just validated my feeling of having worked harder than I'm used to. It worked for me...

Friday, 1 April 2016


Yesterday was my last day. I didn't know it at the time - based on reading an email from my agency I thought today was my last day, so I worked from home yesterday and drove in today to work for a few hours and then hand over the work laptop and security pass... only to discover that all my access had expired so I couldn't do anything. I was home again by 9. 
I lazed around for a couple of hours before going out for a walk. Then I lazed around some more and popped out to the shop. Between the two trips I walked 5.5 miles despite some shin pain and a bit of lower back / hip ache. It was a relaxed day after the dodgy beginning and I enjoyed it. I ate well without even wanting to binge and had no alcohol. Hopefully I'll be able to make some actual progress while I'm off so that I have something to build on even after I start work again.