Wednesday, 30 March 2016

How can it only be Wednesday?

Short weeks always feel longer than usual to me. On the other hand, given how unemployed I will shortly be - yikes, how is it already Wednesday???

I've been feeling a bit glum today - and had a constant desire to binge all day as well. Fortunately the vending machine at the office was empty so I couldn't start at 7am like I wanted to.... But I went to the shop at lunchtime. And it went exactly the way I knew it would.
What is this bingeing thing??? I don't enjoy it. It is stopping me losing weight - in fact I'm gaining because of it and God knows I am not one of those fortunate (in my mind) people who struggle to keep the weight on. I am sick, that's all there is to it. Sick. In the head. And also in the stomach.

Tuesday, 29 March 2016


After all the fun and pleasure of the weekend work today was a massive downer. I worked from home and was bored rigid.
So here's some pictures of another highlight of the weekend 

Cassie belonged to a neighbour of theirs before they moved to Lincolnshire; her previous owners just lost interest and basically shut her outdoors. Dad and C are cat people but really didn't want another cat because they were in the process of losing their last one to extreme old age, but they couldn't ignore her situation so she adopted them. While I was there we went through our normal sequence of events - I arrive, I'm a novelty and she adores me for offering lots of attention and admiration. Then I keep fussing, petting and pestering her till she hides from me. If I'd stayed longer she would probably have tried to kill me. I love that cat :-) Plus I miss having a furry four legged friend to pet when I'm stressed. Our rental - and the contracting lifestyle - make a pet impossible at the moment so I have to borrow them where I can... Which is probably why I spend so much time looking at cat and dog photos on Facebook and blogs.

Monday, 28 March 2016

Bank holiday

I spent the whole weekend from Friday morning to Monday mid afternoon up in Lincolnshire visiting my Dad. The weather was mostly really good - apart from a cold strong wind the whole time (it is always windy up here anyway) it only rained when we were back at the house or at worst driving back - until today, which was just horrible.
I caught the train Friday morning and the journey up here though long was very smooth - all on time, not too busy. I reached Newark just after 10:30 and we went back to the house for a snacky lunch before heading to the wonderful Woodhall Spa. I was walking around with no coat and too warm in a sweatshirt and jeans. A local owl rescue charity was collecting in the High Street and I fell in love :-)

Saturday was quite busy - we spent the morning in Louth, where I'd never been before but I really liked it - a very pretty market town. 

Then we drove to Doddington Hall for lunch and to browse their marvellous farm shop. 

On Sunday we headed down to the south of Lincolnshire to Belton House National Trust property for a wander around the grounds, a self guided tour of the house, and a free guided tour of the belowstairs servants quarters. The grounds were nice though obviously not at their best at this time of year, the house itself wasn't that exciting, but the tour of the servants quarters was excellent - really interesting and you can't go down there on your own anyway.

Every day we all pretty much collapsed after the excursions and I slept really well every night except Sunday when I was woken up in the middle of the night by the torrential rain. I hoped because it was raining so hard in the night it might ease up in the morning but of course that didn't happen, so our tentative plans for a long walk in the morning didn't materialise. It did dry up by lunchtime but by then there wasn't time to do anything before my train.
Unfortunately that's when things went pear-shaped as damage to the overhead wires around St Neots held up the departure of the train, also causing multiple cancellations so that the trains that did run were packed. They also added three extra stops to the itinerary and rerouted the train via Cambridge. Which all boils down to the fact that I was due to disembark my last train at 17:32 and I actually hadn't even reached London by that time. I actually got home at about 19:50 exhausted and stressed. But that in no way changes the fact that I had a fantastic weekend!

Wednesday, 23 March 2016

I hate people

I had a meeting this morning that was requested yesterday by a developer I'm working with so I had to go into the office and freeze my butt off all morning because the heating /air conditioning has been switched off. At 10:30 she hadn't arrived so I checked her calendar and discovered she'd taken the day off.
Marvellous. Thanks a bunch. If someone is sick or died I'll forgive her; if not....
When I went in I was of course aware that the remains of the package of gf biscuits of doom were still in my drawers from last week, so the first thing I did was toss them in the bin. Although I'm a little constipated today so maybe I should just have eaten them... The second thing I did was move my company easter egg off my desk and out of sight. Don't need the chocolate and don't want the smarties packaging leering at me all day. I wasn't expecting to get given an easter egg this year given how close to leaving I am, but they don't seem to care about that - it's just one egg per desk regardless. A nice gesture I guess but not really what I need at the moment. After doing all that someone who is retiring today covered the kitchen area with cakes, cookies and doughnuts. Another reason I wouldn't have chosen to be in the office. By 11 I really wanted something and massively regretted disposing of my biscuits that were at least gluten free. I'm becoming much happier about leaving this job, even though I'm not having a lot of luck looking for another.

No new aches and pains from training yesterday. I did try to go again this morning but my legs felt heavy so I decided to just walk at lunchtime and see if I felt like it after work. Which didn't happen - the walk or the training. Instead I spent my lunch break driving home so I could finish the day working from home. After work I never even thought about it.

No binge today. Almost no cake - I did give in to a bite size piece of flapjack. No cookies or biscuits. No booze. No chocolate egg. Quite a bit of unnecessary grazing however - not good even though it didn't develop into a fully fledged binge. Frustration and annoyance make me hungry....
Although I'm not trying to be zero carb at the moment I'm eating too many carbs in the form of fake breads - bought and homemade - and some gf ready made pastry I bought last week. I need to cut that out, but I'm going up to Lincolnshire to visit my Dad over the weekend and life will be easier if I'm not too uptight while I'm up there.  So I'll wait till Tuesday to try to get back on the wagon (another day another excuse....) whilst trying not to go overboard in the meantime.

Tuesday, 22 March 2016


I worked from home today so I could be in to let a plumber stop by. We need a new shower and the landlord has asked for a couple of quotes.
As I was working from home anyway - something I'll probably lose whenever I find another job - I decided to go to see the doctor. I've felt lower since starting with the antidepressants this time than I did in the past and as well as renewing my prescription I wanted to ask about increasing the dose for a while. I was quite surprised he didn't recommend it - though thinking about it that could be because I've been on them less than 6 months and it can take that long to feel significantly better I believe - but instead he suggested that I start taking vitamin D supplements alongside the antidepressants. Which was quite a coincidence because I just opened a new tub of Vitamin D pills this morning after running out months ago. He even recommended taking 2 pills rather than the normal one - which is exactly what I had done with breakfast this morning. So maybe not all advice and information you find on the Internet is wrong :-)
He also recommended stress management workshops based on cognitive behavioral therapy but I'm not sure about that. I understand (very loosely) the principles and have a 'CBT for Dummies' book that I might just dig out to read, but I don't fancy talking about my feelings and doing exercises in a group. Maybe I'll reconsider if the vitamin D doesn't help.
I got some natural vitamin D today as well by walking to my appointment on a lovely sunny morning - really nice to see.
And in the spirit of exercise as medication I managed 24 minutes very carefully using the climber as well - spread over 3 sessions so I could stop as soon as my back complained at me. I know you're probably thinking that was stupid but I'm sick of resting it and hoping for improvement while my muscles atrophy ; I need to strengthen it not allow it to cripple me. Quite honestly lately I've been about as active as the average octagenarian - and I'm not even 45 till September. So I'm making the effort now to do something about it, because what I've been doing hasn't worked. Keep your fingers crossed that I don't injure myself for real though...

Monday, 21 March 2016

Monday Monday Monday

Every week another bloody Monday coming far too quickly....
Today wasn't one of the worst Mondays actually. The weather was dreary and uninspiring so I didn't go far a walk. I didn't binge and didn't drink any alcohol. I didn't train - my back pain and neck pain returned at the weekend and because it hurt (lower back) to walk I didn't manage more than a couple of miles either day over the weekend either. I've been trying to remember how I fixed my back pain before and I've reluctantly come to the conclusion that it's not something I can easily do again - I think the main part of it was being in my twenties rather than my forties goddamn it how the hell did that happen...
Work is really tedious and jobhunting is not so far proving very fruitful. I had a minor meltdown on Saturday that needed a lot of hugs to get me out of it and on Saturday I did drink one beer. But I'm still doing much better and not missing it... Much.

Friday, 18 March 2016

Another week over

My stomach was better today - but still not right. Fewer occasions of running to the bathroom but things still weren't quite the way they should be when I got there.
Yesterday I tried not to eat once I realised it was coming back after I did but today I felt a bit wobbly so I just took a chance although I was most definitely not tempted by anything junky after that experience.
I didn't go for a walk today in case of relapse and because of the grim weather.
However I did get on the climber for a couple of very very short periods - 6.5 minutes the first time and then 7.5 minutes the second. That's OK though, even that was possibly more than I should have done considering how little digestion I got done yesterday and this morning.
Work was pretty tedious today. It's winding down a little at the moment so maybe it's a good thing I'm leaving soon. I stayed home and didn't see anyone all day apart from a delivery guy until M came home. Today that was what I wanted though sometimes it gets me down a bit.
I weighed myself this morning - holding my breath and crossing all my fingers that I wouldn't see a 12 in front. It wasn't as bad as I feared thanks to the efficient detox my intestines have been doing but I'm back at 11 st 9 lbs AGAIN (I swear my body has decided that's about the right weight for me to settle at, but sadly I still maintain it's at least 14 lbs over that) 
So back on the diet again and attempt #958 to get back below 11st. Damn it.

Thursday, 17 March 2016

Divine retribution

I was punished for my greed with diarrhoea today. Apologies if you were eating when you started reading :-)
I stayed home and worked from very close to the bathroom door all morning. At lunchtime I thought I was alright and went for a walk, then came home and ate a bit of lunch and back it came, so obviously the break in symptoms was simply because there was nothing left in there.

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Wednesday is not my favourite day

Especially when I feel obliged to drag myself in to the office!
Being in the office is bad for my self control... I didn't binge today but I did over eat - and the thing I overate was gf biscuits.
Because I really wanted the non-gf biscuits that live on the end of my desk. That's one thing I won't miss when I leave....
I walked at lunchtime and enjoyed it but I went for the walk to buy the biscuits. I didn't just devour the whole packet though - I'll call that a (minor) victory.

Tuesday, 15 March 2016

Back again

Well, that was as a longer blog rest than I intended. And one where I binged more and walked less, so not a good time.
I am now feeling a bit more human again, though who knows how long that will last.
On Friday I was informed that in three weeks my contract will not be extended for budgetary reasons, which is disappointing but was bound to happen eventually - it would have been better happening in 6 months to a year though. Ah well, the universe never does arrange itself the way I'd like it to...
Saturday was actually lovely. I drove to Wiltshire to visit my mum and her OH and we went to Amesbury, a historic town near Stonehenge before going back to their house for a few hours hugging and chatting. It was great - and I didn't binge, though I did eat quite a lot of haribo and a small amount of gluten. But didn't drink.
Sunday was quiet and involved just a short walk and watching Spy - really funny movie. 
Yesterday I worked from home and was bored and lonely all day. I worked from home today as well but was a bit less bored and lonely.
No binge since Friday. No drinking since Friday night either apart from a couple of mouthfuls of M's wine to taste a wine we haven't had before.
I've applied for a couple of jobs and have feelers out in the company I worked for last time I left my current place. Yes, I do remember not enjoying that much last time but better the devil you know - especially the devil that doesn't require working away. Please keep your fingers crossed for me that I find something ok before long, ok? Thanks 

Wednesday, 9 March 2016

In the office

And instantly feeling worse than yesterday :-)
What horrible weather this morning... I knew it would be when I could hear the rain hammering against the window first thing. If ever there was a day for staying home snuggled in bed it was today - but I forced myself not to and regretted it by 6:20 (I left home at 6:17 so that's a record even for me). I found myself feeling really congested almost as soon as I got into the office and couldn't stop sniffing - it's a wonder I wasn't lynched by my long suffering colleagues.
Or at least sent home to shut me up (which is what I was hoping for)
At lunchtime I went for my usual walk - I was alone and it was another crappy day so I caved in to the dark side and bought some junk to eat - but without descending all the way into a full on binge. I also bought some Buttermilk to bake myself some gluten free grain free soda bread - it's not sourdough or anything, but reading about Joy's baking adventures seems to have given me back my 'wanting to cook / bake' Mojo - after months of really not caring. Thanks Joy!
I baked two loaves after work and intend to make another tomorrow to use up the buttermilk - the two today were plain savoury loaves, tomorrow's will contain raisins. Today I made one with coconut flour and one with almond flour - any opinions as to which flour would taste best with raisins?
I also found a recipe for gf date and walnut loaf I want to try at some point.
Watch this space to see if I manage to bake without blowing up to the size of a house....

Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Possibly the dullest day in the history of days

I'm feeling quite a lot better today apart from a persistent sniffle that's even annoying to me and an on again off again ache in my right eye, but I had to work from home because I had a plumber coming round supposedly this morning - he actually arrived about 12:43, which is the afternoon in my world, and more to the point, late enough to stop me going out for a walk. Not that the weather was really inspiring me to walk. He was here for about 20 minutes digging around in the depths of the airing cupboard and under the bath tub and by the time he left I knew that if I went out for a quick stroll I would almost certainly end up buying some junk to eat. Yep, the appetite is back...  So I stayed home and considered going out after work but ultimately decided to take a relaxing hot bubble bath instead. I literally never left the house except to put the bin at the end of the drive for tomorrow's collection. Wow.
I am going to the office tomorrow and I'm actually looking forward to the change. And some company. Yesterday wasn't too bad because M came home at lunchtime with the same lurgy as me - or so he claimed, personally I think he was faking it since he felt fine this morning and was able to go in to his office. But today I almost tried to keep the plumber here just for someone to talk to - tragic!
I'm sure I'll regret going in by about 7:30 tomorrow but it has to be done before I succumb to cabin fever...

Monday, 7 March 2016

Its alive!

More or less. 
My cold developed in weird and wonderful ways. Lots of eyes watering and nose running, coughing and zero energy. No sore throat but my nose made up for that in being bright red and painful from all the wiping (even though I used a tissue with 'balm')
The main reason I haven't posted for 6 or 7 years was the lack of energy. I finished work 2 hours early on Thursday - unheard of for me as I don't get sick pay - and spent Friday working from home in bed. I know that can be read in several different ways but can't be bothered to change it.
Over the weekend I only went out when I needed to shop, spent the rest of the time lying on the bed or the sofa, and medicated myself with Day Nurse, Night Nurse, and whisky. Mainly Day Nurse and whiskey.
All right, mainly whisky. 
On the plus side I have been eating like a normal human - very little snacking but where there were snacks, no binges. I actually felt little interest in food which proves how crappy I was feeling, but after my sudden head first dive off the wagon and over a cliff last week that's been very welcome. Especially when it led to not bothering to over eat even when my inhibitions were lowered by the booze.
If only I could lose the sinus inflammation and the bunged up head and the watery eyes but keep the loss of appetite.... Sigh 

Wednesday, 2 March 2016

Its Wednesday

Just to be clear, the post I posted this morning was written yesterday, about yesterday, and I thought posted yesterday - but blogger let me down and I hadn't realised it didn't actually publish it.
The same thing happened the day before so I need to keep an eye on it! I use the blogger iPhone app even though I'm not that enamoured of it, but might have to change if it keeps failing me.
Last night I put my recycling bin out for collection this morning and it got blown over, sending egg cartons, cans and water bottles everywhere. Why do I even try to be efficient and proactive? I scurried around picking up rubbish in the dark and spent the day hoping it didn't happen again after I left for work - since the recycling men certainly wouldn't bother picking it up. Luckily either it stayed upright or someone else played garbage collector... My recycling bin has been constantly packed solid since we moved house - I probably should have just given in and made a trip to the recycling centre with a car load of cardboard boxes but I hate the place so I convinced myself it wasn't worth it. I hope to finally get rid of the last of the cardboard from the house this week, though of course it will just sit out in the bin for another 2 weeks. Bring back the weekly collections pleeeeze...

Breaking news - I have a cold! Didn't that already just happen recently? I blame M, he was complaining of a sore throat at the weekend. I'm choosing to blame this cold for the fact that I ate junk again today. If it's not that I don't know what is wrong with my damn brain these days.

Weight today 11st 9.2lbs, a small loss but that's not surprising given that I was still eating sugary and starchy carbs yesterday. I will not be weighing myself tomorrow.

Tuesday, 1 March 2016

Back to reality on Tuesday

I really didn't want to get up this morning - and for once it wasn't because I'd been awake half the night. Quite the opposite in fact, I think by my standards I slept extremely well and my body was trying to persuade me to keep it up. Sadly I had work and couldn't listen. Work sucks.
I dragged myself in to the office today intending to sit down with my colleague to talk through the new project. I probably should have checked that she was coming in first - she worked from home today so that didn't happen.
The weather this morning had me quite low it was so grey and damp. My walking buddy was also WFH today so I had to try to motivate myself to go out at lunchtime and I really didn't want to. So the walk didn't happen.

I know I said I wouldn't weigh straight away and I didn't yesterday but today I bit the bullet... 11st 9.8lbs. Obviously I'm not happy about seeing that but as I know I didn't overindulge enough to gain 5 lbs since Friday morning I'm quite happy to blame water retention and refilled glycogen stores. It should come down quite quickly if I'm good... Big IF as I wasn't today, eating 3 chocolate digestives at work and having leftover takeaway (barbecue spare ribs and fries from a Chinese takeaway) for dinner. I was good the rest of the day though.

What a weekend

I am shattered after my busy and noisy weekend. 
Absolutely shattered.
My guests arrived early on Friday - before 3:30 and that's when the chaos commenced. We had a takeaway and beer was drunk by me, and then I lay awake most of the night. Which was productive.
On Saturday I popped to Tesco with my brother fairly early and we all got ready too early as usual. I'd booked a taxi to pick us up as there were so many of us going in - a group of 5 people. It was booked for 10:30, giving us 2 hours to reach the restaurant where lunch was booked. Unfortunately there were three hotels in a relatively short distance belonging to the same chain and we were dropped off at the wrong one (the furthest away of the three of course - The Radisson Blu Edwardian Grafton instead of the Radisson Blu Edwardian Bloomsbury, where we were staying) so rather than get back into the London traffic we walked a mile or so to the right hotel, checked in and rushed to the restaurant straight away - a bit less restful than the relaxed start we were hoping for.
The food was excellent at lunch but it took 40 minutes to get the food so again, not quite the meandering lunch we'd hoped for.

 Luckily the restaurant was only 2 minutes walk from the theatre so at that point everything smoothed out nicely. We were going to see the totally wonderful, spectacularly clever and brilliantly executed War Horse, and if you have the opportunity before it closes next month EVERYBODY should go. Seriously. GO!!!
The play lasts about 2 and a half - 3 hours (or 10 minutes depending whether you're talking real elapsed time or perceived time), and everyone loved it.
After the play we strolled back to the hotel for a short rest before meeting in the bar for a new aperitif. 
We were eating in the hotel at their Steak and Lobster restaurant. Where they pretty much only serve steak... and lobster. 

Again the food was great, but the service was incredibly slow and the restaurant absolutely packed - I've never seen a hotel restaurant so busy.
On Sunday we had breakfast in the hotel and then the car arrived to take us home. All my guests went home as soon as we reached the house because they had a couple more hours travelling ahead of them. I went out for a walk to stretch my legs before doing the boring stuff you have to do at the weekend in preparation for work - mostly food prep and laundry.

I totally ignored my diet all weekend and ate large quantities of fried potatoes. I did mostly stay gluten free but had cheesecake on Saturday (the dark photo above doesn't do it justice) and a pain au chocolat as part of my breakfast on Sunday so not entirely. I didn't however binge at any point and feel surprisingly ok today apart from being too afraid to step on my scales this morning.
I really didn't want it to be Monday today. I had to drag myself in to the office as I'm moving to a new project and had to spend some time on handover with another tester. I spent the whole day yawning my head off and praying for home time. My food was not great because I was eating for quick energy and surprisingly I don't feel too guilty about it