Friday, 26 February 2016

Still here

Yesterday was just so busy and stressful I had no time for lunch and therefore no time for blogging - by the time I got home I just collapsed in exhaustion.
I had intended to boast about not drinking on Wednesday night but last night I made up for that due to excess adrenaline I needed to come down from, so forget that.
My weight yesterday was unchanged from the day before but I didn't have time to buy any junk food and wouldn't have had time to eat it if I had, so I managed not to give in to my usual healthy attitude of 'if I didn't lose I might as well pig out'
Today work went from 90 mph to 10 mph and I was bored. I worked from home so I could start early to compensate for my brother and M's parents arriving before 4 this afternoon - ready for tomorrow's London trip. I slept appallingly last night, probably a combination of the work stress not winding down fast enough and the 'what if we've forgotten something important ' stress I always have right before a holiday or excursion that I've been heavily involved in planning. I'm hoping tonight is lower key than most social events involving M's parents so I can get some sleep before the play (definitely don't want to fall asleep during it) and the rest of tomorrow's activities - mostly involving eating. I may be too scared to weigh myself on Monday :-) as the indulgence starts tonight with a takeaway, continues all day tomorrow, and includes a hotel breakfast on Sunday. 
So. Much. Going. On.

Weight today: 11 st 4.8lbs (158.8 lbs)

Wednesday, 24 February 2016


What a chilly start to the day today - I was so happy that my car was tucked away in the garage and didn't need defrosting!
I actually managed an almost decent nights sleep last night and woke up feeling at least 75% human for a change. 
Then work kicked in and turned me into an extra on The Walking Dead - but half a day as   human can't be bad.
My walking buddy was WFH today claiming to be dying of Man flu so I walked alone at lunchtime. It was bright and sunny at the beginning and end of the walk but kind of dull in the middle. After such a bitterly cold morning it actually seemed quite mild as well - or maybe the cold numbed my skin so that I couldn't tell I was freezing. Either way it was pleasant. And a much needed break from my desk.
In the afternoon I started really wanting a snack from the vending machine and went as far as digging out the necessary change. I can't claim credit for any strength of will but I didn't buy anything for the simple reason that the machine was empty. I guess the universe was looking out for me.

Weight today: 11st 5.6lbs (159.6 lbs)

Tuesday, 23 February 2016

The oven has landed

have an oven at last

It's nothing special but - unlike the old one - it works 

So so so so so so so so tired

I meant to post yesterday but I'm sleeping so badly at the moment that I literally couldn't keep my eyes open in the evening so I didn't manage it. Because I was tired yesterday's food wasn't quite as good - I dipped into eating the exercise calories from walking at lunchtime - but I still managed not to binge or overeat.
I'm still having a little(ish) whisky in the evenings in the hope it will help me relax and sleep better - maybe I should just accept that this is not the case, but I'm desperate - and the last couple of nights I've taken Nytol, which is also not helping. This morning (Wed) when I got up I felt as though I hadn't slept at all, which isn't true, but I was just really groggy and thickheaded. Luckily I was already planning to work from home today because this afternoon I am due to get my new oven at last, so I didn't have to decide if I was fit to drive to work.
Speaking of work, my office is in a small business park and yesterday when we arrived we discovered that a group of travellers had descended on the office car park across the road. I don't like stereotypes and bigotry so I hope that's not how I sound, but they have been there before and last time they didn't just cause parking chaos (10-12 caravans parked in an office car park leaves little room for the cars of the staff working there) and vast amounts of mess due to just dumping their trash wherever they felt like it, they also let their kids ride their bikes through the car parks and play around the parked cars and there was some damage to at least one car. And a near accident when someone drove into the car park not expecting it to have become a play ground. So that's another reason to be glad I didn't have to drive into work today, although I very much doubt they'll be gone by tomorrow so I'll still have to decide then if I'm driving to work, catching the train, or just staying home again. They stayed about a week last time. Even though they were reported to the authorities they basically just left when they felt like it, no one removed them for trespassing or anything.

In an attempt to be accountable I weighed myself yesterday.
I was back up to 11st 7.6lbs (161.6lbs) which made me sad.
This morning I'm at 11st 6.2lbs (160.2lbs)
If I don't keep posting my weight will someone please remind me? Because having to 'fess up might help me stick to my guns better.

Sunday, 21 February 2016

New low

Last week was a new low for me - and I'm not talking about succeeding at weight loss.
I was down and sad all week and I binged more days than not - some of the time gluten free and some not, culminating in having pizza Thursday night, finishing the pizza for breakfast on Friday and then eating approximately 1 ton of gf cake for lunch. With a side of crisps and sweets.
I could feel myself getting fatter and fatter and was scared to weigh myself - in fact I still haven't risked it. I was sleeping really badly (of course that's nothing new) and feeling really empty and apathetic - not sobbing my eyes out distraught but definitely depressed. I started several posts about how awful I was feeling but each time just didn't have the energy to click Post.
Yesterday I decided that even if I felt like shit I should at least try to dig myself out of the pit. I decided it was time to start tracking my food again - and plan to record it even if I binge again. I also decided to start taking that tracking much more seriously by weighing everything and recording my planned meals in advance so that I know where I stand.
I planned my entire day on myfitnesspal first thing in the morning. Then I went out for a walk before the forecast deterioration in the weather - and walked 11 miles, far more than I've managed for months.
In the afternoon we watched a movie, and in the evening I spent a couple of hours talking on the phone to my father in law, who has some personal experience of depression both in himself and in others near to him.
It certainly wasn't a perfect day - I drank some whisky in the evening - but it was the best day for a week. Now I need to do it again.
One day at a time. 
And hopefully the constipation won't last too long....

Wednesday, 17 February 2016

Wednesday whinge

I was tempted to write this as a poem just for Joy, but my skills weren't up to the job :-)
Though I will admit that at the peak (or do I mean depth) of my recent depression before the meds kicked in I did write a very gloomy and dreary 'poem' about how I was feeling - don't worry, for my eyes only!
You may have gathered yesterday was not an inspiring day for me even though I managed not to leave my laptop at home and the weather was really rather beautiful. I was just bored all day really; with half term underway a lot of people from work were either on leave or working from home and it was quiet and a bit dull. I spent the morning obsessing over biscuits and as a result my lunch was a pack of gluten free chocolate chip cookies - nice healthy response there. I then skipped dinner because I wasn't hungry and ended up starving by 8:30 whereupon I went temporarily insane and made myself some toast for supper - NOT gluten free. I think I need to go back to three meals a day for a while to stop the hunger / craving driven silliness recurring.
Anyway. I slept badly last night, possibly because my gurgling stomach was waking me up. I actually stayed in bed for 10 minutes after my alarm went off - unheard of, and pointless really since I'd been awake for a couple of hours anyway.
I decided to work from home today so that I could defeat the boredom with classic fm on the iPad. I can listen to it at work but it obviously needs to be with earphones and they all hurt my ears, regardless of whether they go in or over the ears, so I only do that if I'm truly desperate to block out construction noise. But now I sort of wish I'd gone to the office.... Because I'm mortally wounded....!!! The doorbell rang and I leapt up to answer it - and bashed my knee on the corner of our glass coffee table.... Apologies for the language but OMFG it hurts. It gouged my knee as well as bruising it and causing it to swell up so I'm walking around limping heavily and it put an end to my plans for lunchtime - I wasn't going to walk anyway but intended to have a go at using the Versaclimber in stair climbing mode (less strain on the new and back). But having the inclination to train while your knee is in agony is not a good combo - absolutely no training or exercise for me today and how much do I wish I'd given it a go before starting work instead of figuring it would be a good break from work halfway through the day? Ow Ow Ow - I'm not sure if it's worse when I bend it or when I straighten it again.
We've been having loads of problems with our broadband modem / router all week and I've been tempted to drop kick the thing off the roof. I'd have happily smashed it to pieces using the coffee table as a sledgehammer after I hurt my knee. I have surprisingly violent inclinations sometimes don't I? Luckily I rarely follow through on them.... Particularly as M was able to fix the router problem after work today. Still want to shatter the coffee table into a billion tiny shards though.


Got up.
Went to work 
Stayed at work 
Walked at lunchtime 
More work 
Went home 
The end 

Monday, 15 February 2016

Catch up

Friday I intended to post but after working from 7 am till 8:46 pm (one hour for lunch) I a) had no energy and b) had nothing to say anyway. 
On Saturday I went for a walk in the morning in light rain. As I was returning to the house it became heavier rain, with a cold wind. I walked almost 7 miles but only enjoyed the first 3 or so. I walked into the house dripping wet, instantly changed clothes, and fell on the sofa to watch a movie.
Sunday was rubbish. We don't do valentines day and I've never not been depressed on valentines day. I would happily hibernate through it, and I tried my best. I did go for a fairly short walk - just to Tesco - but spent the rest of the day vegetation and slightly wallowing.
And then it was Monday again.
This morning I got up feeling relatively ok for a Monday - I slept better than I usually do on Sunday night and at least it was no longer my least favourite day of the year.
Things went pear shaped early though - I drove to work this morning, waited for the doors to be unlocked, walked to my desk and opened my bag to pull out my work laptop.... My work laptop.... What work laptop??? I actually found myself pulling out my own laptop, with none of the software I need installed on it. So half an hour later I was back in the house and with no intention of driving back again, I ended up working from home.
I went for a fairly sunny walk at lunchtime to hand in my NHS New Patient forms at the surgery I attended before we moved last February and picked up a couple of bits while I was out.
I'm not sure if I mentioned this before and I can't be bothered to check back, but I'm currently oven-less. I haven't had a working oven for two weeks now - and don't yet know how much longer it will be before the replacement is installed. On the one hand, we live in a rental so not our expense - on the other hand, if we owned the house I would have a new oven by now. Not having one is getting really old and really so incredibly frustrating.... The existing oven is practically an antique and I'm hanging on to the hope that even a cheap new one must be better... But mainly I'll just be happy to have something, anything again....

Thursday, 11 February 2016

Carry on carrying on

Yesterday was a dreary non-day for me. Grey weather, grey mood, not terrible but just no urge to post and no thoughts of what to post. I went for a walk at lunchtime and almost all the way to the supermarket a mile from the office I was fighting off the urge to just go to the nearest convenience store and not bother with the longer walk. I did make it, and between that and another supermarket visit after work I actually walked about 5 miles but it just wasn't enjoyable - just a drudge.
I couldn't be bothered to cook so we ordered a takeaway - I just had a peri peri chicken (ordered a whole one, ate half last night and half for breakfast today) 
I was quite happy to go to bed and so tired I didn't take long to get to sleep for a change.
Today of course it was freezing first thing and I was a little bit smug driving my unfrosty car out of the garage past less fortunate cars that were thoroughly iced over. And the bright sunshine once it was light was lovely to see - an instant mood improver regardless of the temperature.
I walked again at lunchtime and between having company and the better weather it was completely different from yesterday. I also took a second very brief walk after work to get my 10000 steps in.
And a beautiful evening it was too!
 I didn't drink any alcohol or binge even though during the day I wanted to eat biscuits... Not a bad day all told.

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Smoother sailing

No particular peaks or troughs today - mildly dissatisfied with being at work but when am I not? Nothing that couldn't be fixed by permanently working from home... If only...
Yes, I did go into the office today and that meant getting a good lunchtime walk with my walking buddy in bright sunshine and fairly strong winds. At least it was dry, and in the office I can't hear the wind outside so that actually makes me feel more comfortable.

A colleague of mine did the Thames Trot on Saturday - a 50 mile ultramarathon (through deep mud) along the Thames Path. He's totally cured me of any feelings of inadequacy (because I still haven't started running despite repeatedly planning to) by walking around in flip flops all day to air his burst blisters, bruised nails, and the nail beds where a couple of his toe nails have dropped off. I don't consider feet to be very attractive at the best of times - and thanks to my walking my own feet wouldn't win any prizes - but yuck. The human foot is not designed for that kind of abuse. It's just not. And not being a runner has never felt so good.

On the 27th of February we're off to London to see War Horse and spending the night in a nearby hotel. Obviously that will make it difficult to eat according to my plan so I've decided not to go all in on the all meat diet till afterwards. Let's just say that in the early days or weeks there are digestive and mood issues that make it unpleasant to go on and off the diet, because being off it for a couple of days is enough to make you start that cycle over again. Instead I'm just going to aim to be low carb until the Monday after the play. I had some fruit, mushrooms and onions today and treated myself to an individual pot of Total Greek yogurt - not necessarily excluded from the diet I want to follow as it is of animal origin, but carbier than I tend to aim for. Food wise today was OK...

Monday, 8 February 2016

Peaks and troughs

My post lunch high yesterday didn't last long - it was over well before bed time. However I'm pretty confident that it was because of the booze - I've always been inclined to get depressed when drinking if I have more than a couple or mix too much. I had a small and very cathartic weeping spell in the evening. 
I slept a bit better by my standards although still woke up between 3 and 4 am - but when you've been waking up between 2 & 3 that feels like a lie in. 
I worked from home today so that a contractor working for our letting agent could come round. You see I've had no working oven for the past week and my shower has all the oomph of a drizzly October afternoon. He took one look at the oven and condemned it on the spot as not worth repairing and after doing some mysterious checks in the airing cupboard he had the same diagnosis for the shower pump. So hopefully both will be replaced in the not too distant future.
One thing I like about renting is finding things like this and being able to say 'not my problem' but of course the flip side of that is having no control over the decisions made or the speed by which they are taken. Having a new oven is worth waiting for assuming that the landlord doesn't overrule the contractor and choose repair. But if he does we'll probably get the old one repaired more quickly than getting a new one might take.
The hideous weather today prevented me from going for a walk at lunchtime - and forced me to listen to the wind all day. I popped out before 6 to post some movies back to lovefilm / amazon, but that was really it for me. My neck has seized up again, once again preventing me from exercising properly - just when I'm starting to feel the urge come back. Still, at least the urge is coming back - given how lazy I've been lately I'm stunned to feel even a little bit tempted to be energetic. That's my bright side for today.

Sunday, 7 February 2016

Christmas lunch

As we work through a limited company M and I are entitled to go out for a meal on expenses every year. We didn't bother during the actual holiday season because everything was so busy with other people's Christmas celebrations, so instead we went today - to the wonderful Hinds Head in Bray. We've been there before and I was amazed and impressed that they remembered I'm gluten free even though I forgot to tell them when I booked.
The food and drink were amazing - and not at all low carb or diet friendly.
A milk and cookies cocktail served in a mini milk churn
The absolute best pea and ham soup on the planet
10oz ribeye 
With triple cooked chips 
And finally a chocolate and blood orange fool (the chocolate fool covered a heart of blood orange sorbet - absolutely delicious)
I also had a second cocktail, a 3 rum concoction called a rum old fashioned, which utilised dry ice and was both beautiful and spectacular, but by then I'd forgotten about photo taking.
It was a lovely meal and a gorgeous day (apart from the wind)

And I'd already walked almost 5 miles before that, so obviously it was as good as calorie free - right?

Friday, 5 February 2016


Yesterday it occurred to me that probably this new depressed phase is down to still feeling stupid and angry with myself over the internet scam. And maybe the bingeing on food guaranteed to hurt my weight and digestive system is more about punishing myself than comfort.
It didn't stop me eating badly yesterday, but I didn't actually binge so that feels like a step in the right direction.
As M said to me yesterday, I can't change what happened so I need to move on. While remembering the lesson, of course.
Yesterday we went to Wetherspoons for their Curry Club (I didn't have a curry but M likes their Flaming Dragon curry). I drank draught beer and ate way more than I generally eat at night but truthfully have no regrets on that - it cheered me up to have a change, go out, and chat to a couple of total strangers at the bar. And today, even though I'm shattered because the beer (or the chips and onion rings) interrupted my sleep even more than usual, I'm actually feeling on a more even keel.
Thanks Diane, Joy, and Rachel for you comments yesterday. I am following Diane's suggestion of thinking about things to be happy about / thankful for - and you are all high on that list for your support and caring xxx

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

Depressed again

The last couple of days have been somewhat hard due to being very down and bingeing quite a lot. I didn't weigh myself this morning after yesterday's overeating and I'm fighting the urge to hide out in my baggy black 'invisible Chrissie' clothes again. The only reason I didn't stay in bed all day working in my nightclothes is that I had to go out on errands this morning - more below on that. I'm thinking about asking for an increase in the dosage of my meds but don't want to jump straight into that if this is going to wear off on its own because of the side effects. I don't want to be too 'blunted' if that's the right word - the way people are often depicted on TV with no pleasure or pain in life, but I also don't want to gain another 10lbs or more with the bingeing. Decisions decisions. Obviously yesterday the only decision I made was not to post - because I was trying to think of a plus side / bright side and couldn't. Maybe the fact that I managed to post today is a bright side for me - even if reading this far has depressed the hell out of you :-)

In the meantime I have been working from home so that I can deal with the last stages of the end of our last rental contract - letting the cleaners in yesterday and locking up after them, letting a carpet cleaning man in today, and also getting the windows cleaned. It rained about an hour after the windows guy left. Of course.

Monday, 1 February 2016

Just another...... Monday

My weekend was pretty quiet. I came down from my homicidal rage without actually killing anybody and my built me a buttload of flat packed Idea furniture so I could finally put my clothes away (rummaging through black bags looking for underwear was no fun any more by approximately Day 1 in the new house). I did some walking but nothing particularly inspirational, spent some time doing housework (cleaning an oven - yuck) and doing laundry, and tried to watch a movie but got bored with it really quickly. I also drank some whisky and some beer - not much of either, but still....
And then suddenly it was Monday and I was heading back to the office.
This morning it wasn't too cold and it was dry, but very windy. I always get to work about 10 minutes before the doors are unlocked and when I switched off the car's engine I could feel the wind pushing at my car. 
By 9:15 I was monumentally bored and thinking bingeing thoughts. Thoughts of cakes and cookies and desserts and the vending machine full of chocolate and crisps.
Sigh. I caved. 
I went shopping at lunchtime and bought some crap to eat. Some = too much of course.
On the plus side (have you noticed I've been trying to find a plus side lately? I'm not necessarily good at it, but trying) I didn't use that as an excuse to blow the rest of the day, and I didn't drink tonight.