Friday, 29 January 2016


At the end of the week from hell the bastards pushed the deployment back to next week.
All the overtime completely unnecessary. All the stress completely unnecessary.
I hate everything. Again.

Thursday, 28 January 2016

The stress... The stress....

Yesterday I started work at 6 and rushed like a mad thing most of the day. Several times I forgot to go to the bathroom until it was painful not to, I didn't drink anywhere near enough fluids and I got no exercise. I didn't even have the time to bitch about the horrible weather!
Today was the same (apart from the weather, which was cold but beautiful) and although tomorrow may be less frantic, it's likely to last even longer. Thank goodness this doesn't happen often.
Oh yes, and because I wasn't stressed enough by work and my side task of arranging to have our old rental cleaned for the handover, today was the first day of TTOM - and I had stomach cramps that felt like a puma was clawing it's way out of my stomach.
But it's not all bad - despite massive temptation I didn't drink or eat anything outside my diet plan. The eating side was easy - the not drinking was harder. Every day it should get easier though - stomach cramps possibly excepted...

Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Work all the hours

Today was annoying on so many levels. I had to work from home to take receipt of a parcel M ordered at the weekend. I obviously wouldn't mind that apart from the fact that I wasn't given any kind of time slot so every time I had to go to the bathroom I was convinced the door bell would ring. (It arrived around 12:30 so after that I could have relaxed if not for...)
Massive work pressure this week. We have to deploy some code on Friday (another long day of course) and to get ready for that we have to cram a week's work into 3 days. And it's a part of the system I know very little about and don't really understand. What could possibly go wrong? I actually hope we find a colossal bug so it gets delayed till next week - but I don't really think that will happen. In order to help us get the deployment out my boss has hijacked loads of other people to help with the testing and kindly designated me as the one who decides who does what so we don't duplicate effort. Which is great because I don't actually agree that throwing extra bodies at it is the best way to go but now I have to try to make it work. Sigh.
Added to the above the weather was gross all day. Strong winds and heavy rainfall off and on - and I could hear it all against the windows and down the chimney. It was somewhat depressing but I still managed not to eat badly (maybe a little too much homemade baked pork rinds) and stayed away from the booze completely. I didn't get any exercise thanks to the expected delivery combined with the weather but I did wear a skirt all day even though I was home alone - and it fitted significantly better than the last time I wore it! 

Monday, 25 January 2016

Attitude adjustment

I've moved on from the events of last week a bit - I'm still furious with myself but I'm more furious with the scammer and have been cheering myself up but reporting to every organisation with any responsibility for such matters that I can think of while also fantasising about horrible, violent and bloody deaths for the person responsible. He/she/they should be very pleased I won't be able to make my dreams come true. I won't describe them here as delicate stomachs might not appreciate them.
In the meantime, completely unconnected to that issue, I have decided that I need to change my general attitude to certain things. I discovered this morning that while I've been feeling blubbery and disgusting due to a lot of poor eating (and drinking) choices over the last week and a half I've actually maintained my weight - which means that I probably actually lost a tiny bit but it's been masked by carb driven water retention. So back to clean eating to let my body flush that water away. A part of the reason I felt so huge and gross last week was that I've been living in jeans and big baggy sweatshirts or big towelling bathrobes for the majority of the time while working from home - so every time I looked in the mirror I basically saw the Ghostbusters Mr Staypuft man (or whatever his name was). So today I wore a more fitted top and a skirt to work - along with a better fitting bra - and actually felt as if I was female shaped again. So I want to resist the urge to hide myself in comfortable shapeless clothes even when home alone - it's time to stop thinking that it doesn't matter what I wear, it matters because it impacts my self image in a very negative way. 
It's also time to cut the booze again. In a months time I'm going to the theatre with most of my family and I figure if I don't drink till then - combined with more walking and better eating - I can be a lot happier with the body I'm wearing by then (even though I don't now expect to reach my target weight by then as I was hoping to before I regained some weight over the holidays)
So on with the work and the plan - wish me luck!
Day 1: ate well. No booze. 3.5 miles walked and 12 flights of stairs climbed.

Sunday, 24 January 2016

On a more cheerful note

I love my dishwasher 

And the lovely Joy and Diane for making me feel better xxx

Friday, 22 January 2016

Its official - I'm stupid

I had a bad day yesterday. 
Remember how I've said I'm forgetful and / or stupid on the antidepressants I'm taking? I'd like to blame them but I'm not sure I can.
I fell for an online fraud which may cost us money. I don't want to talk about, write about or rehash it on here so I'm not giving details or asking for advice. But I'm really embarrassed - particularly given that I work in IT - and as a result I'm a very unhappy bunny.
On the plus side I think I'm 'normal person who screwed up and now hates everything and everyone (present company excluded)' depressed not slash my wrists depressed. So I can choose between depression and competence but not both. If, that is, the drugs are responsible.
So that was yesterday. I tried to comfort myself with a packet of biscuits but just felt sicker. 
This morning I woke up more or less resigned to the situation to start a horribly long working day, with my normal 7 to 4 followed by a deployment to release to the clients. It was stressful and busy till lunchtime but I was OK with that as a distraction from the other more personal stuff. It was also a horrible day in terms of the weather - much milder but decidedly wet and dreary. So no sunny walk at lunchtime. No walk at all in fact. I worked from 7 till 12:30 at a mad pace, from 1:30 till 4 at a more restrained rate, then from 4 till 8:46 pm at an 'I really wish this was over ' pace. I suppose I should be glad of the chance to bill a few more hours, all things considered... but I'm too tired right now. No binge today because I had nothing to binge on and no time to get anything - I guess that's something to be pleased about anyway.

Wednesday, 20 January 2016


Well, the general aches are fading but my neck still hurts. Yesterday I slipped in the bath and have a massive bruise on my left leg and I'm sleeping badly because of the strange unaccustomed noises the house makes. Apart from all that moaning things are improving. Fewer bags and boxes around every day ; more stuff put away where it belongs although my chest of drawers fell apart on moving day so I need a new one ; I ordered it this morning and won't get it till the 30th which is a bit irritating.
Today I mostly ate well though I did have some peanut butter and a beer this evening. I did however take two gentle strolls today which added in to over 5 miles. Add that to the glorious (cold) sunshine and I was pretty happy all told. I'm working my way down the list of people and companies needing address changes and making quite good progress. The stress is wearing off I think (that could be the beer talking). And tomorrow I get my dishwasher though I can't be sure M will have the time to install it then. Fingers crossed for me please - I haven't been without one for this long in 20 years and I miss it very much!

Tuesday, 19 January 2016


I'd forgotten how bad moving yourself without professional movers could be.
I'm still knackered, aching in so many places and covered in nicks, bruises and a fetching rash that I suspect is stress related.
I binged today after not doing so all weekend / probably because in all honesty I tried to stick to the diet and lot of the time and as a result didn't eat enough to fuel all the exercise and effort being expended.
Over the weekend I drank every night - but really not very much, certainly far less than I've ever managed before with social events involving these relations - and not because I was reminding myself of everything I had to do so I wouldn't overdo it, I just didn't want much. We had takeaways every night Friday to Sunday inclusive because it wasn't practical for me to try to cook for 4 with the house in an uproar and after all the physical effort going on all day. I'm still not really back to cooking much because I don't have a dishwasher - I've bought one and it's due on Thursday - so I'm unwilling to get too many pots and pans dirty. I hate hate hate dishwashing by hand and it feels like I've done a LOT of it since Saturday.
But we're in! We're both alive (just about) and the house has taken shape quite well in most of the important rooms. It will continue to do so for the next few days at least I guess....

Saturday, 16 January 2016

Friday, 15 January 2016

Thursday, 14 January 2016

No sickness so far

Possibly because I hid out at home today. My neck is killing me and my back is helping it. I guess it's all the packing and bending and stretching and carrying... In which case they'll both just have to suck it up until Sunday, by which point I hope the worst will be over.
Have I ever mentioned that I hate moving house? So why do it so much I hear you ask... Good question. I don't have a good answer.
So as usual these days no time for a walk. I'm not able to even consider anything more active with the whole excruciating pain thing so I'll just have to pretend that the bending, stretching, carrying, packing thing is enough for now.
And maybe see a doctor about my damn neck after the move, unless it's down to stress over the move in which case I should be fine instantly next week oh please oh please oh please.
I must confess I had a beer tonight - my first drink since January 4th. I said up front I didn't expect to get through the house move without one and clearly I was right, but it doesn't worry me too much under the circumstances. I'll be off it again on Monday.

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Cough splutter

Its only a matter of time.... The person who sits across from me has a severe cold. The person on my right has a severe cold. The person on my left.... Yep, he was fine yesterday, today he's coughing and sniffing and whinging... I am doomed. And it's timed to perfection if I can get horribly sick by Saturday.
You don't have that problem working from home...
I went in today so I could receive a parcel I foolishly ordered to be delivered to the office - curtains for the new rental house, which has none. How much did I wish I'd told them to deliver it at home? THIS much. Sigh. I was feeling guilty about too much working from home and it required a signature (why???) so I had an attack of conscientiousness and dragged myself in. Damn.
I didn't walk at lunchtime and after work we went back to the new house to fit some of the curtains. 
Not coughing yet....

Tuesday, 12 January 2016


I got up just before 4 this morning because I had some errands to do requiring me to visit the new rental house twice before work. Luckily M drove the first time (to measure up for curtains) as we didn't even have coffee first and I don't do well without caffeine.
I was then knackered all day - even though I almost always wake up before 4am. It validates what I've been telling myself for weeks - that staying in bed after waking up.., even if there isn't enough time to get back to sleep, does still rest your body and hopefully mind.
Anyway, after that early start I dragged myself in to the office, didn't regret it until almost 8am, and didn't have the energy to battle the strong, cold wind at lunchtime - so I just stayed at my desk.
After work it was more packing, some cooking and some TV. I'm having more neck pain at the moment so I'm having to be very careful what I lift or carry. Oh, and I ate a grape at work today / it tasted far too sweet and I didn't remotely want any more. Not the most exciting day but I'm well into 'house move imminent' mode so it is what it is.

Monday, 11 January 2016

Better today

My theory about Saturday is that I was under medicated due to the digestive issues I so tastefully alluded to on Thursday and Friday. After all, if you take a pill 5 seconds before having to run to the bathroom, you probably aren't going to have a chance to absorb the full therapeutic dose, are you? I hope that's the case because Saturday evening I turned green and scaly, burst out of my clothes (more than was already the case after not-Christmas-because-I'm-not-doing-Christmas) and destroyed a small town. I was a monster.
Now, I'm feeling a lot more human again. But very bloated having eaten 7lbs of salt yesterday.
I managed to be sober all weekend despite my monstrosityness and today I took my lovely lovely whisky and put it in the new house that I won't be living in until the weekend. I definitely won't drive there to get it or buy more whisky when I already have 2 bottles on the go (both non-Christmas presents) so that's one less temptation. Which may sound over the top but I really wanted something this evening and didn't have it entirely because I did that. I don't expect to get through a house move without any booze but every successful day feels good and after the move I will be aiming for a month.
Because I had to go to the other house and the visit lasted almost 2 hours I worked through lunch and didn't have time for a walk. On the other hand I did go up and down the stairs a few times (I will have stairs at home again - probably good for me. I will have to hoover stairs again  - hate)
Apart from that I worked, packed stuff and browsed online for annoying unexpected purchases for the new house. Not the best day, not the worst. Food was good and although I felt quite low mid-afternoon I managed to bounce back.

Saturday, 9 January 2016

Today I am depressed

For no specific reason.
Also irritable 
Probably also irritating 
And despite sleeping ok last night, still tired 
Really struggling with the no booze tonight 

Less hungry though 

Friday, 8 January 2016

I'm really tired today

And I've been really hungry too. For which I blame the express train everything I ate yesterday used to leave my body as quickly as possible.
So I had a big breakfast hoping not to eat again for ages 

And then I needed lunch. And 20 minutes later (I waited that long deliberately because of the cliché about it taking 20 minutes to feel full) and then I ate some more. The only good thing was that I wasn't tempted by sugary food and really really wasn't tempted by gluteny food so it was an issue of quantity not quality of food. Half an hour or so after my second lunch I was uncomfortably full.
Because of the general horribleness I was feeling this morning because of yesterday I worked from home again today. I wasn't just hungry, I felt nauseous and wobbly and light headed (as well as forgetful - did I mention I'm losing my memory ;-)) and by no means certain that the urgency of keeping bathroom proximity had passed. So I have at least been able to yawn uninhibitedly all day without embarrassment.
I hoped to blow the cobwebs away at lunchtime but after a dry, cold and frosty morning it started pouring with rain so I did housework for half an hour. At which time the sun came out and I had the possibility of walking down the road and back which didn't seem that stimulating. So I didn't.
After work we'd agreed to let someone view this house. We've agreed to 3 viewings before today and they were  ALL cancelled. The first two we weren't even told were cancelled. So the house is tidier and also cleaner than ever before and I was really hoping that it wouldn't happen again today. Or not unless it happened before I did housework stuff.
It didn't - and I had the great pleasure of sitting there trying to ignore the agent and her clients while they pretended the sofa was unoccupied. The worst thing about it was the need to stay dressed all day - after work I like to get into my dressing gown if there's nothing happening. Wow, that really underlined my exciting life - it's Friday night and I'm in my dressing gown!
I've had no booze today and only eaten dairy and meat. And now I'm going to sleep 

Thursday, 7 January 2016

Fine, don't give me any money then

The memory loss is worse than I thought... I had a whole post written here about it and only realised that I was repeating yesterday's post when I spotted it in The Old Reader while catching up on posts by people with functioning brains. That must be a sign that I can't remember anything ever even when stone cold sober (yep - Day 3 today of not having anything to drink at all) 
I am capable of forgetting that I meant to go to the bathroom. (I am not capable of forgetting to eat, damn it) I'm incapable of remembering why I opened the fridge / went into the living room / opened up a browser window. (I opened a browser yesterday to check the side effects of Citalopram to see if it could be making me forget stuff and forgot what I meant to look up. Honestly.)
I'd rather be relatively undesiring of sudden premature death and forgetful than be able to remember exactly why I want to die, but I am beginning to worry that I might forget something really important having to do with my job or the latest house move or something. Has anyone else ever had memory issues while taking these kind of medication? I'm really hoping someone will say "yes, but it was fine after a few months" because then I don't have to worry about whether I should ask to change my prescription and go through the lovely introductory phase again. If I can remember to. 

This morning I was actually woken up by the rain hammering against the window. I was torn between luxuriating in being warm and dry and being annoyed because I was awake. Because I'm me being annoyed won.

As I seem to be complaining a lot today I might as well carry on for a bit longer. You know how I 'fessed up to eating some gluten over Christmas? And you know how often I've repeatedly moaned about the consequences of doing so until you all want to shake me very hard and yell "then stop doing it!" into my face? 
Well. Please do that next time. Because until yesterday I was constipated and today.... I'm really really really not any more. At all. Not a bit. Not even a little bit... I don't want to be too graphic but I've spent a lot of time dashing to the bathroom today. Luckily it started before I left for work, so I didn't. I stayed home and worked in a room 3ft from the bathroom.
Despite that at lunchtime I did try to go out for a walk. I planned to do some circuits around the house while it wasn't raining (in fact it was sunny) so that I wasn't totally sedentary all day and I got some fresh air. I didn't get very far and it actually wasn't for the reasons above, but there was a really strong bitter edged wind and it was making my eyes water - I think it must have looked like I was crying my eyes out. So I fairly quickly returned to the house and called it a day. At the time I thought I might try again at 4 since I didn't have to drive home but I forgot.

In case you can't tell none of the above is depressing me. Even my crappy weigh in before the world fell out of my backside didn't depress me. You see why I want to hear Citalopram causes only short term temporary memory loss with no lingering effect??? 
No doubt tomorrow I will be posting about memory loss as if it's for the first time....

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

I'll settle for £2,000,000

I don't understand why no fantastically wealthy people are reading this and rushing to offer me a few random millions they dug out from between the sofa cushions. Life is so disappointing.

Going to bed stone cold sober last night I expected to sleep dreamlessly and leap out of bed bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning. Yeah. It took me three attempts - three - to turn off the alarm when it started playing that irritating tune I deliberately picked so I wouldn't be tempted to lie there listening to it. My eyes were so bleary I missed the phone, not just the button, the first time. Am I not supposed to be a morning person? I know I'm not a night time person so if I can't handle mornings either I'm in trouble.

I didn't get a proper walk at lunchtime because I had to buy some stuff and take something to the post office so I spent too much time in queues instead. It was pretty cold today but dry so not walking  was a bit disappointing. It had actually been really foggy for my drive to work... I hate driving in fog and  don't like driving in the dark either so combining the two had me seriously considering turning back but I (wo)manned up and carried on. I did find it stressful though.
I was yawning all day long today and I must have looked really professional.i guess it goes without saying I had very little energy at all although I managed several envigorating discussions about man flu with my colleagues. The men vigorously insisted on it's reality and incredibly high mortality rate that themselves survived only because they were so strong and manly while I, and the only other female taking part, agreed that it was basically a fantasy built from a mild sniffle, a strong dose of hypochondria, and an equally strong desire to stay home and be fussed over. I may have repeatedly used the words wussy and wimpy. We women were outnumbered in the office but far more eloquent and persuasive in our arguments, particularly when my colleague dug out a Wikipedia entry that supported our argument (yes, we all suspected it was written by a woman, but it was on the Internet so it must be true)
That was the most fun I had all day. Too bad it came about because one of developers was off sick for the second day. No one really believes he's faking or exaggerating because he's a contractor and therefore would work even if he'd fallen down a well, if he had his laptop and could connect to WiFi. 
Apart from that we had blah construction noise blah roadworks noise blah blah too many people in too small a space noise.... I do not feel I gave value for money today.
Oh yes and either Citalopram is killing my memory or I'm getting old. Or I was just knackered I suppose, but it seemed like more than that. I can't tell you how many things I forgot today. I walked from room to room with no idea what I had meant to be do in any of them; as I was working I'd open a browser and stare at it for minutes while waiting for inspiration... I loaded the dishwasher but forgot to run it last night and that's damn annoying when you come into the kitchen in the morning all set to use those foreman grill plates and those frying pans to... To... To cook something, what was it called... Oh yes, that's right, breakfast...
What's my name and who am I speaking to...?

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Please may I have £,3000,000

It's taken one day for me to remember how much I want to retire. Actually it took 1 hour but half a day of talking about people's holidays allowed me to get through the first Monday back. Now I don't have that anymore.
This morning lasted 17 hours. At least. But eventually it was lunchtime and I went for a walk with my walking buddy who was reluctantly spending a day on the construction site that is (still) our office instead of working from home. It was cold, overcast and dreary but not raining and the company was good so as often is the case that hour was the highlight of the day.
But in the afternoon... The noise, THE NOISE. Lots of noise from some roadworks outside as well as the construction in the building. I felt like my brain was vibrating inside my skull at one point.
I was desperate to get out of there by about 10 am. By 2 pm I would have sold a kidney. But somehow I lasted until 4pm - and didn't even trample anyone to death on the way to the door because I have amazing self control and professionalism.
Although I enjoyed some aspects of yesterday I still felt like a drink by evening. As I sipped the last drops of my (double) whisky I decided I need a break. So I did something ridiculously simple to give myself at least one night off, and it worked perfectly. You see I generally keep the whisky in the kitchen with me and it's a lovely aperitif while I'm cooking in there - with the door shut to stop the cooking smells permeating the entire house. But I'm genuinely embarrassed by how much I want a drink to unwind after managing to cut back do much last year - and I'm using the embarrassment as a tool. I've started packing non-essential stuff ready for the move, storing it in the spare bedroom. We live currently in a small bungalow that doesn't have a proper Hall so to get to the spare room where the whiskey now lives I have to walk through the living room, where M lives in the evening. I've told him I'm taking a booze break and now I would have to walk past him carrying the whisky and demonstrating my lack of will power if I wanted to have a drink. Hopefully that will at least be enough to make me think twice about it (even if it isn't necessarily the most adult, mature or healthy approach). I'm not declaring I'll never drink again (especially with a house move in close proximity) but I want to break the habit.
Today was Day #1 booze free and a day when I ate nothing unapproved (even though people brought plenty of temptation into the office)
Add in 3.75 miles walking (I'm cheating a bit there by including just going to the kitchen for a coffee /going to the bathroom upstairs) and today wasn't terrible at all. 
One day at a time....

Monday, 4 January 2016

Back to real life

And back to the office 
I will admit it was kind of nice to see more people and not be in the house after 2 such lazy weeks at home. I'd planned to walk 135566 miles and between the constant monsoons and my protesting back I just didn't. Apart from my day in Bath the most I managed in any one day was 6 miles and on several days I didn't leave the house.
I also planned to eat sensibly and show some restraint and that went about as well as my walking. I had some gluten free days and some non-bingeing days and I had some days when I acted as though I had 7 days to gain 200lbs - or die. I haven't weighed myself and don't plan to until Friday at the earliest. I haven't gone up a dress size but the clothes I was wearing last year don't feel or look like they did before non-Christmas happened. I refuse to bash myself about that (why bother when the gluten is already hammering my stomach? The noises it's making!)
Today I walked at lunchtime, ate only foods of animal origin (but drank a little whisky - that needs to stop), nearly fasted successfully - dinner was 100g of Greek yogurt - and did some house work.

Here's my walk:

And compared to yesterday's monsoon the weather was lovely!

Friday, 1 January 2016

Happy New Year

I'm hoping 2016 will be better than 2015...
I've been knackered today thanks to fireworks till 2am last night. We don't really celebrate New Year, never have, so I was in bed by then and trying to sleep.
Today was very quiet - all the over indulgence (in the wrong food) has caught up with me so I didn't go anywhere, spending the day reading.
Really, apart from the stomach issues, I would be fine spending most of the year that way....