Saturday, 31 December 2016

Happy New Year everyone

Let's hope 2017 is better than 2016 was...

Wednesday, 28 December 2016


I'm still exhausted and therefore every day or so I collapse like someone hit me over the head with a sledgehammer, so my posts may be patchy for a while...
Yesterday was fairly unambitious - I walked about 4 miles exploring the route to a nearby supermarket that used to be a Co-Op last time I lived here and is now a Sainsburys (I know - the excitement!)
There was one pleasant bit of a view along the way...

but it was mostly very urban and built up. I spent a lot of time talking to myself (hopefully no one was around to hear me) - I remember that, don't remember that, was that there before? Can't remember... That sort of thing.  When I got back home we just watched TV all afternoon.
This morning I walked almost 8 miles in 2 chunks - doing some shopping for household necessities such as curtain rings and continuing the exploration of unfamiliarly familiar streets. It was a beautiful if cold frosty morning and I enjoyed myself except for some complaints from my left ankle. After a few years of living in the relative Plains of Berkshire South Wales is going to take some getting used to!

The park with the duck pond above is due to disappear under a new housing development in the near future - heartbreaking.
I'm now absolutely dead on my feet (well, flat on my back actually) with nothing more vigorous than TV watching, fried rice making, beer drinking relaxation planned for the rest of the day. Enjoy your day!

Monday, 26 December 2016

Happy Christmas everybody

I know I'm a little late but my complete and total exhaustion hit yesterday and turned me into a tree stump!
Yesterday morning we mostly spent continuing to unpack stuff. I'm now stuck as far as my kitchen goes until I get a fridge delivered on Friday - in the meantime I've got a small drinks chiller taking up a chunk of work surface and a box containing the contents of the old fridge taking up another chunk, leaving we with very little room for maneuvering things around the room.
At 11 M's dad arrived to pick us up and take us to their house for the day. We sat around chatting and watching TV until lunch was ready, and after lunch his Dad, S, and I went for a walk. It was of course raining most of the way. At intervals S offered me a choice of the short or long way back to the house and every time I picked the long way without remembering how much hillier Wales is than Berkshire. Not to mention how slippery and muddy the off road sections were. I really enjoyed it despite the rain (no photos because of the weather) but by about 3.5 miles my ankles were really aching and when we got back (5.4 miles in total, at least half of that up hill) all I had the energy for was changing out of my muddy clothes and collapsing on the sofa. Everything - the busy days, the lousy sleep, the booze and the hilly walk - crashed in on me at once and I'm embarrassed to admit I was in bed by 7. And I'd spent an hour struggling to stay awake before that. 
This morning I feel mostly human but I doubt if I've caught up on my rest enough to last the day - I just hope to get some stuff done before I collapse again!
Hope you all had a lovely day yesterday!

Thursday, 22 December 2016

We own a house

We actually completed the purchase yesterday but I spent the day running around the house packing (and later hobbling round the house packing after my back seized up in horror at the unusual exercise) followed by half a bottle of wine (straight from the bottle - I'd packed all the glasses) and an early night.
Now I'm sitting on the sofa like the Queen of Sheba while 3 big strong men empty all the furniture out of the house. To be fair, I'm not just being lazy, I'm also trying to stay out of the way (but I'm not sure if they can tell or if they're plotting to accidentally drop a TV on my head)
At least I can provide plenty of tea and coffee.
Once the house is empty I'll be able to hit the road (120 miles of it) heading down to Wales...

Tuesday, 20 December 2016


We exchanged contracts on the new house!
We are due to complete tomorrow, pack up the rental on Thursday and move into the new place Friday. I am exhausted and delirious with relief. Or possibly drunk on prosecco (what? I like it better than champagne or cava).

Friday, 16 December 2016

Will this never end?

Yesterday I was involved in 17 house move related phone calls and achieved nothing at all. Our vendor is now galvanized into action; our solicitor and the estate agent are working hard to get things sorted; and we are all spinning our wheels because it appears that the solicitor our vendor chose is basically rubbish - from our point of view, never having directly communicated with her - she is both inept and lazy. Every time I talk to our solicitor or the estate agent I hear the same thing - I've left messages with the other solicitor and she hasn't returned my call. She knows that her client wants this pushing through asap but apparently doesn't see that as a reason to do, you know, her job. HER JOB!!! We're not asking her for a kidney for God's sake, but I think it would be no more difficult to get one out of her than to get her to send a damned email.
Even now this could all fall apart because we can't complete in time.

Wednesday, 14 December 2016

Breaking news

Last night M and I were discussing alternative plans for the near future - deciding that if our house purchase fell apart we would rent something in Wales then look again in Spring when the market typically picks up, and we'd have more choice. I told the estate agent that the proposed delay wasn't acceptable to us and he promised to make our points to the vendor - and in a last ditch attempt to save the sale he even offered us the short term use of a flat he owns above his real estate office. We turned that down - so he made the same offer to our vendor. And now it looks as though the sale may go ahead after all! As of 16:00 today the vendor has agreed to rent his flat on a rolling week basis so that we can complete before Christmas. Of course because we've lost a couple of days it's going to be tighter that it needed to be and it is now likely - not definite but likely - we may end up completing the day before Christmas Eve and moving during the period between Christmas and the New Year - I'll have to find out what the removal company's availability is like tomorrow. But hey, at least we're not starting over at this late date - that's worth a lot!
Because of all this stress and tension, anxiety and frustration I've now got back ache from the top of my head to the heels of both feet. I've been strung so tightly and nothing I could do helped - not reading, or sketching, not walking or watching TV. I will be so damned pleased when this is all behind us!

Tuesday, 13 December 2016


I've just been told we can't complete or move till mid January because the vendor wants to go from her current house straight into her new house. Every step of the way we have been clear about wanting to move over the Christmas period - in fact it was a condition of our offer for the house - and she has said she'll go into a B&B or even stay with family if necessary to make that happen. Mid January would mean we had to move out of here on the 10th and put all our stuff into storage while we do God knows what - stay in a hotel or something. 
This better be a misunderstanding by her solicitor or my head may just explode 

Monday, 12 December 2016

What a frustrating day.

Still no further forward on the house purchase. I've spent most of today trying to call our solicitor (and failing to get through). I didn't leave the house, train or draw - or do any studying. I was just too stressed. 
All I achieved was a couple of loads of laundry. Wow. Productive.

Friday, 9 December 2016

Yesterday I slipped into a weird twilight zone world...

A world where, long after everyone else had lost interest and I had lost the will to go on, out of the blue - our mortgage offer was finally confirmed!
At this point we still just about have time to get things through before Christmas but to me it feels more likely that we'll be moving between Christmas & New Year, or even in early January. Mainly because we're still waiting for the vendor to tell us whether she has Japanese knot weed in her garden (I'd settle for a waffly'not to my knowledge' response) and the solicitor hasn't yet had her copy of the offer through from the Bank. After a few weeks of this stuff I think mild pessimism feels more appropriate than allowing myself to hope it will all work out - too much pressure that way!
I can't believe this has only been going on for about 5 weeks - its feels like months since our offer was accepted. Of course the downside of this step forward is that it will very soon be necessary to get all the logistics worked out - no small thing when moving 120+ miles!

As a possible result of getting the confirmation through, portending an end to the 'in limbo' existence of the last 5 weeks, this morning I was actually inspired to get on the Versaclimber, and trudge away for 41 minutes going nowhere in front of an old episode of Criminal Minds. Ever since then my arms and legs have felt like lead and I've struggled to get up the stairs - its brilliant!!!  Although possibly a bit over the top for a first time back to exercising. I'm trying to find the energy to get outside in the sunshine but my body seems unaccountably stuck to the sofa at the moment.

Thursday, 8 December 2016

Something horrible happened to me today

And I survived!
Let me explain... On Saturday this week M and I are having our company Christmas do - a fancy lunch at The Hinds Head in Bray  (also our last hurrah before returning to the depths of mostly Michelin star-free Wales)
So given that I suck at losing weight and gained 34574656 lbs on my ill fated experiment with Mirtrazapine, I needed to buy something to wear for that lunch that wasn't 5 years old or walking trousers. I'm not exaggerating.
So this morning I hopped onto a train to Reading to find a cheap (because I'm NOT NOT NOT going to be this heavy next year don't laugh I mean it) dress at Marks and Spencer, which did indeed happen, and by carefully choosing a loose-fitting flaring style the dress wasn't even in as painful and embarrassing a large size as I had feared would be needed.
But one thing I couldn't avoid noticing as I studied my reflection in the wonderfully flattering changing room mirror (I think dimmed lighting and the right kind of fun house mirrors in those changing rooms could quadruple M&S's profits myself)  was that I looked like someone had dangled a couple of ugli fruit in a string bag where my breasts should have been. I needed - desperately - a new bra. Or bras, though obviously only wearing one at a time. The problem was, I had no idea what size of bra I need these days. Other than being very clear about it being a larger size than when I last bought them (and stretched them endlessly by constantly wearing them while bingeing and abandoning all forms of real physical exercise).
So I girded my loins, headed to the lingerie fitting rooms - and requested a bra fitting. 😱😱😱 Because all overweight depressives really need to strip down to their undies in front of a total stranger armed with a tape measure.
I will admit she was really nice and didn't once retch visibly at the sight of me. And I will also admit that thanks to her help I now have a comfy bosom. But I still want to know why there isn't a better way to do this crap in the 21st bloody century. Like maybe adapting a 3D printer to scan your chest in the comfort of your own home and print out a kind of negative image in the form of a pretty bra not made from canvas and steel. Someone could make a fortune out of that if you ask me...
So anyway, I shopped. For clothes. And I didn't eat all the chocolate in the M&S food hall on my way out of the building either, which I consider a massive massive massive victory.
And now that every lovely person who left lovely and kind comments on my last post is probably wishing they'd been less encouraging and supportive I'll leave you with one happy thought. I had a bra fitting today and you probably didn't. And now you don't have to because I shared the whole experience with you. You're welcome.

Wednesday, 7 December 2016

I fell asleep and then it was today

OK, that's a lie, I didn't just hibernate for a week and a half. I spent most of last week feeling just under the weather enough to not do anything (except sometimes eat crap and lie in bed all day) and couldn\t bring myself to write about it. Then on Friday we lost internet and I spent all day on the phone trying to fix it, so was too stressed to write anything.
Then on Saturday I visited my Mum, which was restful and lovely except that it was worrying and sad to see how much pain she is still in all the damn time. Because of the constant chronic pain we didn't go anywhere, she insisted on cooking for me (I asked her to last time I saw her, but she wasn't in pain then - I felt really guilty as she worked on it and helped as much as she'd let me, but she's very independant and it wasn't a great deal.
Sunday was a big fat lot of nothing. I had a bit of a headache and didn't walk far or watch movies.
Monday I watched Batman v Superman AND the 2016 remake of The Jungle Book. The Jungle Book was really good despite my initial 'eh, another classic movie wrecked by a remake' reaction, Batman v Superman was watchable enough. But I watched in Jungle Book in 3D then had eye strain for the rest of the day.
On Tuesday I was reading the side effects of my antidepressant and contraceptive to see if they might be responsible for a slight problem I'm having, where I discovered that yes, very possibly for that problem (sore boobs, sorry for the TMI) but also - the antidepressant can cause back pain and joint pain. I may have mentioned my bad back once or 10,000,000,000 times the last few months, but with my history of back trouble never considered whether there might be more to it. I've also been having stiffness and pain in both ankles every time I get out of bed or stand up after sitting too still for too long - I attributed that to laziness, old old old age and possible very-long-walks-associated damage or arthritis. Now I'm left wondering if I'm actually causing the pain every time I pop a pill, and if so should I go back to the doctor and ask him to change it AGAIN, bearing in mind how well some of the pills have (not) agreed with me. Why do (some) medical matters seem so incredibly difficult to sort out? Also, does anyone know of an antidepressant that suppresses your appetite, increases your energy level, and causes the weight to fall off you because if you do I'd like to hear about it.
Yesterday I started a new hobby, something I've always wanted to do in that wishy washy 'I wish I could...' way that never involves actually looking into it or trying to do it. I've always wanted to draw, and I've now borrowed a book from the library on drawing fundamentals for talentless beginners (that may be its title) so I can give it a go. I did a couple of exercises yesterday which proved I am indeed a talentless beginner, whether I manage to keep it up is highly debatable given my track record with hobbies other than reading and TV watching, but I hope I will - it would be nice to feel I could be creative and its portable enough to take with me if I work away etc. Who knows, maybe sometime I'll post a sketch for your amusement (I mean that literally) if I do.
Anyway. Sorry I vanished for so long. Will try not to do it again, but can't promise, especially during this time of limbo / upheaval. Now I must go draw on a thing.

Monday, 28 November 2016

Life is Goodish

Nope, still don't own a house.
But... But... but... Today I took - and passed - my professional certification exam!!!
It was a bastard and I don't know my score so for all I know I barely scraped through - but a pass is a pass is a pass and I am a fairly happy tester today!!!

Friday, 25 November 2016

That's better

Today I avoided a repeat of yesterday's mistakes by not leaving the house at any time. It seemed a waste since it was a beautiful sunny winter's day, but not going out allowed me to do lots of revision while not eating a cake the size of my head, so I considered that an acceptable trade. 
My exercise today was provided by the deterioration of my brain. It took me 3 trips upstairs this morning to bring down a single wine glass. (The first time I was distracted by the laundry basket, the second time I got dressed instead, and the third time I had to walk straight into the room without switching the light on or looking to either side so that I couldn't accidentally catch sight of something else to do) In each of the first two trips the only reason I worked out what I'd failed to do was because I'd left the dishwasher door wide open and ready to receive the glass. I know everyone experiences the "why did I come in here again?" feeling, but twice in 5 minutes? I'm so getting old.
Still, at least I managed not to add another inch of flab to the layer I added to my thighs yesterday. It's a shame I had to make myself a prisoner in my own home to achieve it, but whatever works and all that.
I also managed to do laundry, change light bulbs (all by myself!!!), book our company Christmas do, make a massive pan of chicken bone broth and pack a box of kitchen stuff just so I could feel like some progress was being made towards moving house. I get a lot more done when I can't go out. (I'm not saying I do a lot, just a lot more than my usual virtually nothing). I'm exhausted now. Did I mention how old I'm getting?

Thursday, 24 November 2016


I was weak...
This morning I walked to our local Homebase store for some light bulbs, failed to get them, and walked home again, via a Marks and Spencer Simply Food store where I bought all manor of evil food and ate the lot. I don't know what triggered me (I mean, I hate DIY stores but I'm not sure they're THAT bad) other than boredom and frustration, but I practically put myself in a sugar coma and at the time felt I could have eaten more.
I'm a dumbass. Also, I now feel sick.

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Dull day

The most excitement I had today was reaching the end of my training book - and going back to the beginning to refresh my memory of the bits I haven't looked at since the whole house business came along and took over my life & my brain! 😵
This morning I decided to go for a walk early, before there was any likelihood of having to respond to any emails or phone calls - hah, what was I thinking? Not one phone call and no emails till after 5pm, so I could have gone back to bed, then walked, then... whatever I wanted all day.
My walk started off well but came to a sudden rapid end when I realized that the epsom salts I took this morning for constipation were already taking effect and I needed to get home real quick! I still managed just under 4 miles so it wasn't a dead loss, but god I hate walking while the kids are heading for school. From now on I will hide indoors till the school doors close behind them and the streets clear again. They are so NOISY and so oblivious to other pedestrians trying to use the same pavements as them.
Anyway, my food was good, I had to take a little nap mid morning but am slightly less knackered now. I might have slightly slightly had a small drink this evening though. Ah well, baby steps

Tuesday, 22 November 2016

Nothing to report

Just a whole lot of no news, no progress, no change.
Lots of rain today but having seen flood photos from around the country we've got off lightly and I'm not going to bang on about it. I managed a couple of short walks in between the showers and I ate inappropriately but didn't drink. Count your victories where you can, however small they may be...

Monday, 21 November 2016

Why did I do that???

I did not behave myself at the weekend in any respect. On Saturday I went out for a long walk - but I'd slept badly the night before so instead I had a coffee in the coffee shop and a read sitting in the library. On Sunday I didn't have coffee or library but I didn't do any better on the walking front and both days I overate on carby crap. I was feeling rather down, which I suppose isn't massively surprising when sleep deprivation is combined with stress and having a permanently depressive personality. I'm also worried about my mum at the moment. She has a hip condition - on the same side as her hip replacement - and the last few days it's been so bad she can neither sit down nor stand up straight. Last Thursday she was injected with corticosteroids to reduce the inflammation and it was helping but today she's bad again and relying on co-codamol to just get about. It hampers her life as a whole and keeps her awake a lot, and it can't be good for her general health but apparently the injection is all they can do :-(. I wish I could help somehow but there isn't anything to do... I'm probably asking how she is a little too often, but she hasn't told me to stop fussing so far :-)
Add in the truly miserable weather today and I'm not feeling too cheerful today. However I do at least see some reasons for the way I feel, most of which will be relieved fairly soon I hope, so it is better than the nameless reasonless seemingly endless kind of depression. We are hoping for some major progress on the house front today or tomorrow and I'm clinging to that a bit. But I want to eat a chocolate fudge cake. Yes I said 'a' not 'some'...

Thursday, 17 November 2016

Hi guys

Sorry I've been offline for a few days, I've just been really tired and pretty inactive due to back pain so I couldn't quite find the will to blog.
So where do I start catching you up?
I had a quiet weekend, no real walks, just watched a couple of movies and lots of TV really.
On Monday very little happened regarding the house purchase or the job hunt. I did make a trip to the next town up the train line so I could find the exam centre for the certification I want to get - make sure I can get there safely without the car, mainly, as My is currently using mine. I got that sorted quite early, was home again by 10 and booked the exam (not telling you when, I'll just tell you if I pass)
On Tuesday morning we received a million house purchase documents via our conveyancer's electronic portal so I spent a couple of hours printing out important documents and reading even more documents online. It was a good sign of progress after nothing really happened on Monday. We also got another opportunity to pay out a massive chunk of money so that was nice :-(
Yesterday was the best day of the week so far, as I met my brother in Reading for lunch and a wander around - and a useful mental health break. I find that doing something like a house purchase when you're not working means it's on your mind pretty much 24-7 without the ability to leave it at the end of the day the way you do your day job when you are working, so it was really nice to be distracted from it all, though I still had a couple of emails and phone calls to deal with. It was raining first thing when I put the bin out - just a light drizzle - sunny in the morning, grey in the afternoon - and absolutely pissed down at exactly the right time to half drown me as I walked back from the train station. Still, I got plenty of walking in and really enjoyed myself, but today I'm suffering again from the back pain so I have very little planned for today.
And now you're up to date :-)
Thanks for checking up on me, Joy, it means a lot to hear from you when I'm going all inward facing xxx

Friday, 11 November 2016

Interesting times

Well, the financial markets etc seem to have calmed down amazingly quickly. I don't understand that - after all he's threatening to rip up all the trade agreements, or has he backed down on that? M thinks the suspicion and dislike of his Trumpness within his own party basically means he'll be blocked from achieving any of his insane plans anyway, so here's hoping that M is right about that.

In the meantime, on a personal note, spending large periods of time gawping disbelievingly at the InterNews has distracted me from worrying about the house move for a couple of days. I wouldn't choose a world shattering political upset that makes Brexit look like just another day in the trenches as a distraction for my petty little problems, but if such an upset has to happen I guess it's good that it did me some small favour.

On Tuesday (after posting my in depth study of the election results ;-)) I proceeded to eat (and drink) all the carbs. I'm not even feeling bad about that, since I think most of the developed world probably joined me. My version of the hot sweet tea after a shock happened to involve pastries and chocolate, but the result was probably the same. Yesterday I wasn't even tempted by all that crap anyway so unlike my usual 'one day off leads to a bad week' pattern it seems - so far - to have been just an unplanned cheat day. I have decided that I may have to drink my way through the period until DT either gets impeached or has a mysterious accident so if I don't say I was booze free assume I wasn't.

Yesterday I had another knock back on the job front and now I'm thinking after we move back to Wales I'll ask for an application at the local Asda superstore. It's not like I even like Testing anyway.

Today its the rescheduled Removals company quote visit. Please keep your fingers crossed that the M4 manages to stay open all morning, at least between Bristol and Reading, so we don't have to put it off again. Apart from that everything is now happening in offices across the country, and I currently have nothing to do but wait... and phone up asking for progress reports... and wait...

Wednesday, 9 November 2016


I'm genuinely scared... How did that happen???

Tuesday, 8 November 2016

I am never buying another house

The process is draining my will to live 

Monday, 7 November 2016

That was a good weekend

My brother arrived on Saturday morning, later than expected because the Highways Maintenance darlings had closed the slip road he was supposed to leave the M4 on and he got lost trying to work around it. We headed off to the train station pretty much as soon as he got here and were in Waterloo just after 10:30 (also later than expected because rail maintenance work led to a slight diversion and a speed restriction)
We walked from Waterloo to Westminster Pier and boarded a City Cruises boat for a boat trip to Greenwich and back. This was as good as it always is, with an interesting commentary I'd more or less forgotten since the last time we did it. In Greenwich we walked around the Saturday market, bought some lunch at the food stalls and had a brief wander through the Royal Naval College before catching a boat back to Tower Hill so we could walk back to Waterloo alongside the Thames. It was cloudy most of the day, though the sun was breaking through the clouds by the time we boarded our train back, with a cold wind, and we didn't manage our usual walking distance - under 10 miles - because of the late start and the boats. 

But we were both tireder than usual because I kept waking up in the middle of the night and he'd just finished two solid weeks of work including the weekend in the middle, so we probably wouldn't have been up to doing more.
On Saturday evening we got a piri piri chicken takeaway and chatted a lot. Because of the fireworks (I hate fireworks, in case you've forgotten) banging and hissing all around there was no point trying for an early night.
On Sunday we caught a train to Virginia Water and walked through the village to the Virginia Water lake in Windsor Great Park. It was bright and sunny with a bitterly cold wind and we just walked and talked for hours. The park was lovely but could have been improved by having more toilets and more eating choices - I was forced to eat a sandwich against my will because that was all that was available (though it was tasty)

Sunday evening was just TV and chatting till my brother had to leave to drive home ready for work this morning. Although I was forced to eat some bread and chose to eat some some rice, plus a tiny bit of pastry, I didn't overeat much and certainly didn't binge. I resisted all sweet stuff and felt pretty good about my choices. So no feelings of guilt to spoil the weekend!

Friday, 4 November 2016


Yesterday didn't turn out too badly in the end after my moaning in the morning. Around lunch time we fired our solicitor (after 3 days they hadn't even written to us with the client pack that starts everything off) and went for an online company recommended by our mortgage broker. They had us set up on their portal the same day and after a whirlwind of document submitting I think we're now waiting on them for step two. I was also doing the same thing for the broker (with many of the same documents) so I was left not knowing which way was up in the end.
Today I was due to get a quote for the removal company but thanks to an accident closing the M4 she didn't make it so we have to wait a week.
While I was waiting for her M called to say someone tried to steal his motorcycle from the office car park - in the process damaging the bike slightly and its lock sufficiently that his bike is basically immobilized. At work, 20 miles from home. Absolute scumbag bastards, I'd like to run them over with my car!!!
Still waiting to find out what will happen, it looks like recovery to the dealer as they couldn't get hold of a specialist locksmith to remove the damaged lock. Apparently the bastards went at it with an angle grinder...
Today sucks. It may be the first time all week I'll need some booze... I woke up at midnight again last night, very obviously stress / anxiety, so I might need a sleep aid tonight too...

Thursday, 3 November 2016


I'm already fed up with the moving thing again. We've had an agreement in principle for a mortgage and apart from that seem to have made no progress at all. In the meantime I've attempted to study for my exam (which I was hoping to take next week) but every time I start trying to read about equivalence partitioning and boundary value analysis (if you don't know, don't ask - just celebrate your happier life) thoughts of removal companies, proof of id's and supporting documentation keep forcing their way into my brain... I'm hoping if I can get a couple of the early bits sorted out I'll be better able to study while other things go on elsewhere. As a result of spending so much time on the phone (which I hate) and on the computer (which I am growing to hate) I'm really uninspired to start posting in the evening, which is why I'm writing this in the morning before my blood pressure starts it's daily rise... My brother is visiting this weekend for a (probably) last trip to London for a while, hopefully that will be a relaxing distraction that will be greatly needed by then. Diane, your mother is a hero to survive over 30 moves - especially as I know some of them were across the world - sadly I'm not so competent or resilient :-(
And that has been my last couple of days... I will be back as soon as I have something to say (complain about) or as soon as my brain stops running madly in a million directions at once, whichever happens first. And sleeping past midnight wouldn't hurt either. Does anyone have any foolproof coping therapies for anxiety? I'm not depressed, just really really anxious...
ETA  I've spent the last 3 days doing an egg fast diet and lost 4 lbs of bloating to get to the lowest weight since Mirtrazapine. That isn't saying much as I've been losing and regaining the same few pounds ever since I stopped taking it and am still decidedly overweight, but it's a glimmer of light in the tunnel. Sadly the anxiety I'm currently feeling will probably trigger something regrettable before long... Why am I not one of those people who stop eating when they are stressed???

Monday, 31 October 2016


I've had so much going on I don't know where to start...
On Saturday we drove to Wales at stupid o'clock, dropped off a dozen boxes and some odds and ends, viewed a house and drove back home. Then put in an offer on the house which was accepted this morning.
Saturday evening I also morphed into a horrendous psychotic bitch, but I'd rather not go into that.
All weekend I add copious quantities of junk food and drank (some) beer. I was just so knackered I went for the quick sugar rush and to hell with the low carb. I was punished last night when I woke up hideously early and had to dash to the look. Twice.
Today I've appointed a solicitor and spent a lot of time on the phone, plus writing emails, collecting together paperwork in preparation, and getting a credit report together. It doesn't look like much reading that back but it felt like I was rushing most of the day. I also hoovered, laundered, cooked and went to the library so it wasn't all house buying stuff.
Now I just have to wait for them to come back to me for information and start me off running around in circles again. This will be the 13th house move in 19 years. I'm trying not to think about unlucky numbers....

Thursday, 27 October 2016


Lack of sleep 
Eye aches 
Back aches.
That's the story of my day 

Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Where did yesterday go?

I meant to post yesterday evening but for some reason was so tired (can't keep my eyes open exhausted) by 7pm that I just fell into bed. Of course that was a mistake, since ridiculously early to bed, ridiculously early to rise... I woke up at 2, never fell asleep again, and had a splitting headache by 4am. Luckily it responded to painkillers and copious dosing with caffeine so by lunchtime I felt well enough to study some more.
I didn't actually have much to report yesterday anyway - I filled boxes, studied, looked for jobs to apply for, (there. were. None. Not one. Not a single sodding one) made some bone broth and ate some ice cream. What diet? In my defense... Ben and Jerry's...
Today I turned some of the broth into soup, filled boxes (well, box really), threw away some spices with best by dates in 2007, looked at houses on rightmove, and eventually studied.
And wrote this post of course.
I didn't go outside the house except to put the recycling bin out and bring it in again. It was grey and dingy most of the day and when the sun did come out it was obviously just teasing. 

Monday, 24 October 2016

The start of another week

I have to admit that after boasting about feeling now urge to binge on Friday I proposed pizza for dinner and didn't go for gluten free as I vigorously stuffed my face. And I finished said pizza for breakfast on Saturday. 
The weekend was spent doing some studying, some planning for the house move, some anxiety brought on my planning for the house move, very little walking and not much in the way of fun.
On the other hand apart from the anxiety attacks it was mostly quite relaxing, and I had one of the best nights sleep of my adult life on Friday night.
Nothing much to report today - more studying (big yawn), I've started packing some of our absolute non-essentials so we can leave them at M's parents house on Saturday when we view a house (possibly two if I can arrange the second) in Wales. They've agreed we can fill their unused dining room with boxes and bits and foolishly didn't ask how long for - which they may come to regret.
I ordered a pack of boxes on Friday which arrived on Sunday. I also ordered a pack of bubble wrap at the same time which was despatched yesterday yet isn't scheduled to get here till Thursday for some inexplicable reason, so I may have to shop for another roll to tide me over.
Every time you think my life couldn't possibly get more rock and roll.. it does!

Friday, 21 October 2016

Still here kind of

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments on Wednesday (and thanks Diane for the biggest laugh I've had for weeks :-)). Every time my brain starts circling the drain I forget how much it helps to hear from you all and all I want to do is hibernate and wallow but I still love you all!
Yesterday was fairly quiet, a couple of quick dashes out to Tesco and the library in the morning interspersed with studying, and a headache in the afternoon that put a stop to the studying for the rest of the day. I've had to put a hold on the online classes just for fun so I can focus on the professional certification I want to get - which is not as dull as I feared, but not as interesting as just picking something that sounds good. I'm basically just reading the recommended book and trying out sample tests in preparation for doing the exam at some point soon; there are training courses but they cost hundreds of pounds and I don't know for sure that it will help me find a job, so I'm being frugal about it.
In between doing that we have to plan our next house move, which is proving difficult. Our landlord wants a rent increase that we think is excessive so our tenancy will end in January and we are either moving locally - within this part of Berkshire - or moving back to Wales. How do you plan for such different destinations??? Getting stressed just thinking about it! One thing we are sure of is that we're not DIYing it this time regardless of how far we move. So that won't be cheap. We really need to stop moving all the time and settle down somewhere - I'm sure I'd be 20lbs lighter and feel 15 years younger without all this mucking around. 
Anyway. Feeling calmer, no desire to binge, still not really motivated by the weight loss battle but a little less emotional about it as well. Some of that is more positive than other bits, so I'm trying to focus on those for now. And reading my damn textbook.

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

Errr... Remember me?

Last week I had nothing to say. Not even complaining - which I can almost always do. I thought about it every day and then I wallowed in apathy instead (I would say struggled with apathy but I wasn't capable of being that energetic)

I didn't think of it as being depressed since it lacked the usual edge of anger and despair but of course now I'm looking back at it that's exactly what it was. And looking back further to this time last year and the year before I see a pattern I'd never noticed before reading a post by Rachel that makes me think I may have a form of SAD - I seem to get depressed at this time over and over and have more than once started taking antidepressants somewhere between mid September and mid November. Now I'm going to be taking Vit D supplements and I'm considering buying a SAD lamp for light therapy. I'm held back by being very unsure if I believe it works so if anyone has used one before I'd love to hear your opinions. Assuming of course anyone is left reading this after my abandonment.

In other news that might improve my mood (TMI alert - if you're squeamish or male you may want to stop reading now) yesterday I had my contraceptive implant removed from my arm. I've waited months and months for things to settle down and last week I decided not to wait any more. I got it because I occasionally had trouble remembering to take the pill every single day. I didn't do enough research up front though, and when I started suffering from the most common side effects - periods that last weeks or months - it seemed worth letting it 'bed in' rather than knee-jerk demanding it was taken straight out. After having TTOM for about 8 weeks total in a 3 month period I went to the doctor and he prescribed me the pill to get that under control. So now I was on massively higher doses of the hormones. And still having to remember to take the pill (although the risk of missing it meant a risk of a period not the risk of a baby) And after a couple of months the pills stopped suppressing the side effects anyway. Side effects that actually prevent you having sex obviously make it a very very very very good contraceptive but kind of remove the whole point of being on the contraceptive in the first place! Now it's gone and having a doctor dig it out of my arm under local anaesthetic (not literally dig - but it did put up a fight) is a small price to pay. I hope not overdosing on hormones will improve my mood (not yet but my levels probably haven't dropped much since 10:30 yesterday morning) and also, if I'm lucky, take the edge off the mind numbingly slow and frustrating process of weight loss since I came off the mirtrazapine. While I didn't binge during my time offline, diet and training definitely were not close to being a priority. Yesterday AND Monday we had takeaways for dinner and I was not gluten free either. So I have probably undone several weeks worth of dieting in 2 days given how slow my progress has been. I'm slightly afraid to weigh myself in case depression at the number on the scale leads to a comfort binge. 
God I'm a mess.
I bet you wish I'd stayed offline... 

Friday, 7 October 2016


I've been a bit down today for some reason. Probably just the ongoing unemployed angst. I managed to force myself to train and did a massive 10 push ups (realising that I currently need rest days between doing them as my chest and shoulders were tired and sore)
Then I spent the rest of the day indoors, reading and watching TV, and not going out because I didn't trust myself. It's so lovely knowing your own brain is likely to screw with you if you dare to treat it like a grown up big girl brain... 

Thursday, 6 October 2016


Well, I'm not getting the second interview for the job in Cardiff. I fluffed one of the questions he asked and apparently it mattered quite a bit to them. A couple of hours after getting that news a different agent called me to say that a client of his I'd also applied to - also a permie job in Cardiff - wants to interview me next week so there are still options open (but this one is at a lower salary). This company might offer some training that I just won't get as a contractor - no one hires a contractor then pays for them to be trained and take that new skill with them when they leave. I've considered paying for it myself, but if you don't use it in anger most companies don't rate it so it seemed like a waste of time and money.

I was a lot less active today as predicted - also more hungry. I mowed the lawn this morning and took a stroll to the library. Between the two activities I did less than 3 miles. But I also did 45 push ups in 3 sessions - 15, 15, 10.
Sadly I let my disappointment this evening lead me astray - right into a bottle of white wine and a consolatory takeaway. Having said that, I was fairly restrained and don't feel too bad about my choices.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016


Today has been quite productive and now I can hardly move.
When I got up this morning I was planning to train as you know and I got my training gear ready to encourage myself.... before deciding that scrubbing toilets and doing laundry sounded more enjoyable. So after breakfast I did a top to bottom house clean (according to my very unhouseproud standards) including changing beds, which I passionately hate. 
Then I considered going for a walk. It was a beautiful sunny morning (if breezy) and I had a plan in mind to try to find a new park I just learned about. But a voice in my head was saying 'you told the world  (well, that part of the world that reads your blog) that you planned to train today...' Stupid voice in my head, just listening to it made my legs feel heavy. But it wouldn't shut up do after defiantly watching some documentary about cats I gave in.. and trained for 42 angry, resentful, tortuous minutes. Oh all right, it really wasn't that bad once I got going...
By the time I finished training it was time for lunch and then I waited until 2 pm to go for a walk thinking the roads would be quieter once the employed population finished work. I just wandered around a couple of local parks and woods for about 4 miles (getting windswept) but it was sunny and warm at least when the wind dropped so I enjoyed it enough to not even read my book.

I do feel good - in a knackered kind of way - but I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow is a lot less energetic. I do still need to mow the lawn though...

No news yet about any job stuff 

Tuesday, 4 October 2016


Thanks guys for your good wishes yesterday - it really helped! The interview was weird and I have no idea how well it went but I should find out if they want me to travel there for a second interview at the end of the week. The second interviews are not actually happening until the beginning of November though so even if they want me it's not exactly a fast paced recruitment process.
Yesterday I had a real struggle not to binge over the whole situation and today I've been hungry all day - but still haven't binged. Yesterday I trained and my plan is to do so again tomorrow.
I need to get my exercise mojo back - somehow.

Monday, 3 October 2016


I wasn't going to mention it until afterwards but I have a phone interview this afternoon. 
It's a weird one for me as its a permanent job not a contract, and it's back in Wales. M and I have been thinking about moving back to Wales for months off and on so this could be the deciding factor. In fact we drove back on Saturday to view a house - we haven't made our minds up on it yet though. If the job comes up obviously that will be a massive upheaval. I'll probably have to stay with M's parents for a while if we decide to buy a house rather than renting one, and travel back to Berkshire at the weekends as though I were working away. It won't be much fun - though obviously better than a normal working away scenario - but I'm tired of trying to be a contractor in the current market and possibly tired of it full stop - my favourite repeat clients are moving away from the use of contractors and I enjoy moving from job to job less than ever these days. Plus I miss owning a pet and a permie job could well provide the necessary stable base to allow us to get a dog, or a cat, or a dog and a cat...
Anyway, it's all pie in the sky unless and until I get the job but it's exciting to think about it... Please wish me luck!

Friday, 30 September 2016

Still can't think of a title

I think I'm starting to come out of my sulk now, because I am not 6 years old anymore and need to act my age. Do I? Don't wanna.
So just to recap, this has been a week of some depression and a lot of anger at the rubbishness of life. Pointless of course, but that's never stopped me.
Monday - didn't leave the house AT ALL 
Tuesday - dashed to the library, went home and stayed there
Wednesday - two shopping trips so walked 5 miles 
Thursday - one shopping trip followed by going to Curry Club at the local Wetherspoons where I was very good with the food but too much booze was consumed (HI Enz and Joy, yes it was definitely pissed drunk not angry :-))
I enjoyed myself quite a lot though M was disappointed because they'd taken his favourite curry off the menu. On the way home afterwards I started out hanging on to his arm, then decided to let go and walk independently, managed a few steps and then fell over on someone's lawn, completely slow (but irresistible) motion from my perspective, ending with a slightly melodramatic roll on the grass. I think they must be right about drunks not hurting themselves as I just lay there giggling for a minute then got up and managed to stay upright the rest of the way home. No bruises or stiffness today!
No hangover either, which amazes me - and really isn't deserved. 
So I'm feeling not too bad today. Hopefully it will last a while....

Thursday, 29 September 2016

No title

I'm very pissed and happier than I've been all week 

Wednesday, 28 September 2016

More moaning

I'm losing the will to go on
1) with trying -and failing - to lose weight 
2) with trying - and failing - to get a bastard job

Unfortunately 2) is not optional whether I lose weight or not 

Damn it Damn it Damn it 

Tuesday, 27 September 2016


I am sulking at life.
(What passes for) normal service will resume at some point probably 

Thursday, 22 September 2016

Bad day

Bad bad mood, stomach cramps and backache.
Roll on menopause 

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

What day was it? Oh yes, Wednesday

When I got up this morning my back felt ok so I started the day with a (gentle and inefficient) training session. I then considered going out but decided against it as I was still having some over the top food thoughts. (Instead I stayed in and did laundry.) Later I realised why - TTOM - and also realised that this was why I was feeling a little emotional and had stomach cramps and lower back pain (that didn't feel like a training or bed making injury). I really didn't feel like I could face people at any level, no matter how superficial. I received a delivery at lunchtime and just opening the front door felt like a mission.
In the afternoon I quietly and antisocially mowed the lawn before going back indoors to hide from the world again. 
Sometimes outside is just too... outside... and too full of people, noise and stuff. This was one of those days.

Tuesday, 20 September 2016


So embarrassing... First thing this morning I decided to change the bedding. That meant putting a super king size duvet into a super king size cover - and in the process I managed to do something painful to my so very annoying back.
This was before I trained - and as a result I didn't train. Between that and the gloomy weather I didn't go out today - apart from taking the bin out ready for tomorrow's collection.
The most exciting thing I did today therefore was finish my Ancient Greeks course. Once I've finished the other one I'll start another - I'm enjoying having something to occupy my brain.
At least I didn't comfort eat....

Monday, 19 September 2016

Another Monday

Well, I had a rubbish Saturday and an ok Sunday. That's enough about the weekend I think.
Last night I forgot to take my antidepressant which was very naughty and probably contributed to a very patchy nights sleep with weird dreams and restlessness. As possibly did the beer I drank yesterday.
I got up at the normal time today and inhaled a gallon of coffee before anything else. Then I trained for 40 slow and gentle minutes on the climber (I was aching all over all weekend from carrying / dragging heavy crap around on Friday and didn't want to overdo things - but did want to get my muscles working).
Today was the dreaded hair cut day - about 2 weeks overdue if you want to insist on being accurate. Last time I had it done there was a screaming toddler telling the whole solar system how much he/she/it didn't want to be there but today it was weirdly quiet and I was actually the only customer till almost the end - it was great, though not enough to make up for the hair cut experience itself.
In addition to the training I walked about 4 miles today - rather boring as it was just to the library and Tesco, and on my second walk I got rained on which was lovely. At least it gave me a solid excuse to not mow the lawn.
I also watched a really good movie - The Theory of Everything. Wow, just wow, Eddie Redmayne was absolutely incredible as Stephen Hawking and I cried buckets throughout (possibly partly because of the forgotten antidepressant last night) All in all not a bad day apart from being really hungry all day after the training - but I didn't binge. I just fantasized about devouring an entire gluten free carrot cake. And didn't.

Friday, 16 September 2016

What the?!?

I know I warned you I'd be moaning about the weather again today - are you sitting comfortably?
This morning at 2:30 I woke up startled by something - I wasn't sure what until the flash of lightning. That was followed by another thunderclap - and another. And another. You get my point. The storm lasted until around 4 and was close enough and loud enough to defeat both my earplugs and the white noise sounds of my fan. Then it started again about an hour later and didn't stop till after 6am. I considered going back to bed but by then I was hopelessly awake so I settled for significantly more coffee than usual and skipped training.
I had my Tesco delivery just before 10 and then went for a walk to check out the location of a house we're considering moving to. Another move. Another rental.
It was barely raining when I left home but started pouring down when it was too late to be worth going back. So I walked in total for about an hour and a half in the rain. As I'd already made a couple of attempts earlier and been defeated both times I walked 7 miles and got thoroughly drenched. When I got home I made lunch and then collapsed - walking in the rain seems like so much more effort because it's so much less fun. Of course after I was well and truly settled back in the sun came out and the late afternoon was gorgeous. Tell me that I shouldn't take it personally if you can :-)
These were taken when the sky paused for breath. You can still see what a glorious morning it wasn't. I was going to try to photograph the rain but didn't want to drown my phone.

I will admit that we were luckier than places like Maidenhead, Newbury and Didcot - not really that far away, and flooded in places....
My back aches a little this evening - perhaps from hunching over against the rain?
Oh, I completed Week 7 of my Financial Markets course this afternoon as well.

Thursday, 15 September 2016


Yep, still moaning about the heat - what can I say, it is really uncomfortable for me especially as I'm so much heavier again.
Today I trained (only 20 minutes - I'm alternating between 20 minute HIIT training and 40 minute steady training to help build up my endurance without (hopefully) injuring myself or knackering myself as I did last time I started up again) before walking into town to collect my nice new glasses, then mowed the lawn (hating every sweaty minute) and collapsed for a couple of hours before walking to Tesco. In total, including the climber and the mowing, I apparently managed 7 miles despite the heat, which actually makes me pretty happy. But I am oh so ready for the cool wet day we are forecast for tomorrow... Yes, of course tomorrow I will be complaining about the constant light drizzle, but in its own way that's got a charm of novelty after all this life-sucking unbearable heavy heat. Bring on the rain! (I can say that now I've mowed the lawn)
No change on the job front. I hate this.

Wednesday, 14 September 2016

And again....

At 5am it was 22 degrees in my house. How can that be? Why oh why???

I still managed to train this morning. I'm horrified by my current level of fitness mind you - considering how much I walk. But it does prove what 'they' say is true - fitness is so specific.

I hid indoors with the curtains shut for most of the day. I did pop out to Tesco and still the time was planning to follow that by mowing the lawn - but didn't because by the time I got back into was a puddle of sweat and no longer cared about the shaggy grass. I'm drinking water by the gallon and praying for a cold wet day at the moment. Unfortunately tomorrow is due to be more of the same but I have to go out in the morning to collect my new pair of glasses so I won't be able to follow my inclination to just stay in the shower. All day. Ah well... Winter is coming (probably)

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Wow it's hot again today

I'm not a fan of these late heatwaves - not when it reaches these temperatures anyway.
This morning I was unexpectedly inspired to get on the climber for 22 minutes - the first time in months. As always I felt great afterwards and wondered why it had taken so long. As always I'm determined not to let it go so far again - and probably will :-(
After training I had a scintillating morning of housework a walk to Tesco. I had hoped to do more walking but it was too hot so I didn't bother. 
On the plus side I'm feeling a lot better today. A slight sniffle remains but the 3 day headache is gone and my right eye feels more like an eye and less like a swollen pulsing supernova (slight exaggeration - but it has been aching lately)
My back hasn't been at all sore today and in addition to my morning training I did 20 push ups. OK in two sets of 10 several hours apart, but I have to start somewhere. And I am sooooo unfit right now....

Monday, 12 September 2016


My weekend was really quiet - I mean REALLY quiet. M was away from Thursday to Sunday visiting his parents so I had plans for lots of walking but between the stomach issues from Thursdays carb binge and a relapse into the cold I was moaning about last week I didn't leave the house on Friday or Saturday and only popped quickly to Tesco on Sunday. The weather was so hideous on Saturday I wouldn't have wanted to go out anyway.
After M got back on Sunday morning we watched a movie that neither of us had seen before - Citizen Kane. I'm not sure I believe it's the best movie of all time, but we enjoyed it and the two hours sped by, which is always a good sign with a movie.
Sunday evening I had really bad back pain that felt like I'd been knifed in my left kidney, which luckily disappeared over night.
Today was pretty dull. As always Monday is my housework day so cleaning and hoovering started the day off unpleasantly. After that I went to the library and Tesco where I was unable to pick up some Night Nurse for the House of Sneezing and Sniffling, so I had to head into town in the afternoon. Now I'm Sniffling and occasionally sneezing and hoping this bloody cold clears up soon... I suppose one good thing about being unemployed is the ability to stay indoors (medicine supply permitting) without worrying about work...

Friday, 9 September 2016


I've put myself on lock down today so I don't have an opportunity to go shopping for 12454566 lbs of refined carbs again. Of course it's lovely and sunny out so I may yet decide to go for a walk, but without any money. At the moment I'm still feeling a bit dodgy after going well beyond sane eating yesterday. I'm really quite embarrassed at my behaviour but reminding myself that over all I am bingeing less often these days.
I do think that this relapse started out with my body asking for more calories so it could fight off M's germs but my weird bingeing brain got the message all twisted up and triggered very unhealthy behaviour. At the moment the idea of eating anything sugary is literally and actually nauseating so hopefully it will be easier from now on. 
Stupid brain. Stupid body. Stupid (lack of) will power.

Thursday, 8 September 2016


The last couple of days I've eaten all the carbs in the universe - all the carbs there have ever been, or ever will be.
I don't feel well.

Monday, 5 September 2016


M has man flu so I'm coming down with a cold.
Over the weekend he coughed sneezed and sniffled his way through the days while I walked 10 miles on Saturday and then started to feel congested on Sunday. Today I'm still a bit congested but also coughing and sneezing occasionally. Which, if I was a man, would have me predicting my imminent demise.
This morning I walked to the library and Tesco where I bought several items of junk and had a mini binge, for which I am blaming the cold. Obviously my body was demanding carbs so that it could fight off infection. That is my story and I'm sticking to it. 
Later I would have liked to go back out but had to stay in for a gas engineer who was coming to check that the gas boiler and hob were safe to use. Apparently they are, so that was a relief. Shortly after that M got home from work and the suffering started. I might sound unsympathetic... I do, don't I? But I think colds bring out the bitch in me simply because they're so damned noisy. I could be a total angel of mercy if he had a nice quiet broken bone or something... Sigh. I guess my sniffle is down to Karma.

Friday, 2 September 2016

Thursday the 1st

Yesterday was my birthday, and I had plans for long walks etc. Then at 5 in the morning M told me he'd ordered some flowers to be delivered that day, and I had to stay in till they came - which didn't happen until 2pm. By which time I didn't have the time for a long walk, or the inclination. So it was a quiet day spent mostly indoors apart from a short walk to Tesco after the delivery so I could buy some birthday booze. And birthday chocolate.
In the evening we ordered a takeaway, I'd originally planned to try for something fairly low carb but by the time we ordered I'd drunk one glass (one! I'm such a lightweight) of Prosecco and my inhibitions were lowered enough that I went really quite high carb. It would have felt hypocritical to get a low carb dinner anyway given that I'd eaten chocolates anyway.
By bed time I'd had another couple of glasses of Prosecco and didn't have the energy to post. But as you can see I didn't have much to say anyway.
Early on I was a little frustrated at not being able to go out in the sun (it was a beautiful day) but overall it turned out to be relaxing and pleasant. And the most exciting thing that happened was again wildlife related - no killer spider spottings, but mid afternoon while I was chatting to my Dad and his OH, I wandered into the kitchen, glanced out the window - and found myself in a staring contest with a squirrel about a foot from the back door, sitting on the lawn. It sat there taunting me until I tried to take its picture, then ran off as soon as my camera phone was pointing at it.
I think its been in there before, and that time I did get a picture, though it may have been too far off to show up....

Wednesday, 31 August 2016


After reading Diane's comment I'm typing this while hiding under the bed in case of bird eating spiders... Thanks for tonight's nightmares :-)
No sign of the spider today but I did hear a mysterious crash earlier that could have been an armchair getting thrown at the wall and there was no one home but me....
The true horror today was housework. The hoovering and scrubbing bathrooms wasn't the worst, in fact the worst was technically outside the house... I realised (several weeks ago) that the tenant before us clearly didn't use my 'pouring cooking fat into a jar and binning it' approach to maintaining the plumbing. This was clear from the fatberg in the drain outside my kitchen window. I tried using a drain unblocker but the mess just laughed at it so I ended up hacking at it with a knife and lifting out the chunks. I may have thrown up a little in my mouth. I wouldn't mind if it had been my mess (well I would, but less so) but having to do it because he couldn't be bothered is kind of galling. Blech bleurgh. One of the worst things about renting houses is realising that even my decidedly unhouseproud standards are way way way more demanding than most tenants...

Apart from that I went to the library and Tesco. I'm currently alternate day egg fasting with a low carb diet on the other days and I keep underestimating how many eggs I need. Tomorrow I'm going to be 35 again and it's made me feel a sense of urgency about the weight loss. But since its not the first, second, or even 5th time of being 35 the results aren't really reflecting my efforts. I'm not giving up though, even if it is 30000000 times harder than it was when I was actually 35....

Oh yeah, no job yet. And tomorrow I have an eye test booked so that should be fun.

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Attack of the killer spider

The most exciting things that happened today was early this morning when I walked towards the kitchen door after breakfast and was stopped in my tracks by the sight of the biggest spider I ever saw in the hall. We both stood there trying to stare each other out for a while... I think it planned to trap me in the kitchen all day but I was armed with a large book and after I waved the book at it a few times it made a dash for the study and vanished under a filing cabinet (I'm pretty sure I saw the cabinet lift up in the air as it squeezed under there... Seriously, we're talking big big spider)
The creepy thing is I think it's still under there waiting until I lower my guard and then.... well, let's just say that I don't plan to miss any posts this week so if I disappear I'm probably stuck in a Web up in the attic and you should call out the army....
Apart from that little drama my morning consisted of a hot sweaty trip to the post box while the sun rose,

A hotter sweatier trip to the Library (sorry librarians), a long overdue mowing of the lawn - which was horrendous and I almost wished the spider would come out so I could harness it to the mower while I stayed in the shade - and week 4 of the Financial Markets course on coursera. Apparently I get my best scores on the end of week quizzes if I watch the video while playing candy crush. I don't know why but it could just be I fall asleep less that way. I also did half of week 4 of the Ancient Greeks course (that one I have to actually watch, listen and think about if I want to score well, guessing at the answers doesn't work as well)
A little housework was done as well, not too much because I went a bit wobbly after the mowing and felt that was a good enough excuse to choose more sedentary activities for the rest of the day. These activities included TV and peanut butter.

Monday, 29 August 2016

Nice quiet Bank Holiday weekend

On Saturday I visited my Mum, and we had a lovely chatty relaxing day. We didn't go anywhere because the weather forecast was dodgy and also I was feeling lazy. Apart from popping out for a pub lunch. 
Driving home again I passed through a torrential downpour at one point with hardly any visibility but most of the day, in the end, regardless of the forecast, was mainly overcast yet dry, so we probably could have gone out... but sometimes it's nice to visit the house you grew up in, which still feels like home, and just sit and chat and feel at home - right?
Sunday I did very little again, just a short walk to Tesco followed by watching the movie Goosebumps - silly but fun :-)
Today was a day of TV watching, reading, and again just a short walk to Tesco. I now feel relatively relaxed and revived - hopefully I'll sleep ok tonight and not lose all that :-)

Friday, 26 August 2016

Still too hot, but not as bad...

I did indeed have a very lazy day yesterday after overdoing things on Wednesday. I made it to the library but it wiped me out and I didn't mow the lawn. It's quite possible that I still haven't mowed the lawn... But I did 2 lots of laundry. And a little shopping.
I spent a lot of the day fighting to stay awake as I'm still sleeping about as well as always. I did do another segment of my Ancient Greeks online course as well so I wasn't completely unproductive... I didn't manage to last through a 33 minute lecture on Real estate investment for the other course though... I spent an hour in a cold bath in the afternoon. It was so good... It was a struggle to persuade myself to get out if I'm honest, I was so much more comfortable.
Tomorrow I'm going to visit my Mum for the day. Naturally showers are forecast and for a change I'm hoping that the forecast is correct. Not that we walk a lot these days as my mum has a problem hip and her OH how two dodgy knees. I've taken a Nytol and hope to get some more sleep today.

Thursday, 25 August 2016


I don't know about you, but I found yesterday horrible. The BBC said the top temp was due to be 28 but I have absolutely no doubt it was hotter than that. It didn't stop us being out and about but both my brother and I suffered the consequences a bit later on.
In the morning we walked to Ascot and around the High Street a bit- about 4 or 5 miles I think. It was all alongside a busyish A road so we waited till just after the rush hour to start off, mainly because he slept badly during the night and then slept in. I think it would have been better to start out before the rush hour, and if I do it again I'll probably leave around 7, then if necessary camp out in a coffee shop till other shops start to open. Because we were so hot we took a train most of the way home then popped into a Tesco for some lunch makings (I had sushi for the first time in ages and enjoyed the change)
In the afternoon we went into town so he could treat himself to an ipod shuffle, and then collapsed at home watching 8 out of 10 cats does Countdown reruns until we cooled off a bit. That's when my brother got a bit sick and had to drink some salty water to rehydrate. I realised that I'd forgotten something when at Tesco earlier and went back out, leaving him lying down in front of a fan, and that was my big mistake - when I got back I felt pretty awful too, although a drink did set me to rights quite quickly. We'd both smothered our visible skin in suncream so there was no burning, just (for me anyway) a short term yuckiness. But I had managed to walk 10 miles in total so I guess it's not surprising it took some toll.
He headed for home around 9pm and I collapsed into bed as soon as he left. I woke up around 3 am but surprisingly still feel fairly well rested, possibly because I just lay in bed reading a book instead of going through the frustration and stress of lying there trying to get back to sleep and clock watching.
Today I'm hoping to mow the lawn (it rained briefly last night but I don't think enough to make it a nightmare of a job) and go to the library but apart from that I plan to take it much more easily since I know from past experience that even if you think you've recovered that sort of feeling can come back and bite you if you're not careful. I enjoyed the day a lot so I'm not sorry we did any of it - just wish the weather had been a little more co-operative

Wednesday, 24 August 2016

My God it's hot

Yesterday it was about 28 degrees and I was hoping for a cool off overnight but the forecast for today is the same. I love seeing the sunshine, but when my brother visits we want to walk - a lot - (7 miles yesterday between 3 walks) and the heat was really draining.
My errand yesterday morning took an hour longer than it should have because I had to drive into Reading and the road system in Reading was designed by a PSYCHOTIC CHILD. Even with sat nav I got lost and drove in circles around the town centre so it took me an hour and 5 minutes to get to a destination 13 miles from home without much traffic. I hate driving in Reading.
Today we have no appointments or errands so we're hoping for a longer walk. Not sure how pleasant it will be given the temperature, but he's going home tomorrow so it's our best chance to get a good walk in.

Tuesday, 23 August 2016


So behind on posting...
Friday I was tired again from not sleeping well, I binged a little bit (which I'm prone to do when I know something is going to happen that will take away my control over food, as when I go visiting someone or in this case they visit me). I drank a couple of beers in the evening as well, as M's parents were visiting and I hate being the only sober person at a party.
Saturday was a mixed day, it got off to a bad start when my glasses fell apart around 6 in the morning. I couldn't mend them so at 9am I was in Boots (drenched from walking through a downpour) while someone replaced a tiny screw for me. Until they were mended I was wearing prescription sunglasses which I'm sure looked perfectly normal in the middle of a MONSOON. Later we were taken out to lunch by my father in law and went to The Crown at Bray, which was wonderful but definitely not low carb. After lunch my FiL and I went for a long walk and I had a minor meltdown, possibly because of beer with lunch, and bashed his ears for hours - poor guy. He was a very sympathetic listener though and it was cathartic for me. We stopped at a pub for another beer on the walk and I made a friend:

It was very soothing and lovely to have a cat sitting on my lap for 10 minutes making a fuss of me ;-)
No-one wanted much food in the evening after our massive 3 course lunches so I just made some sandwiches for the men and then collapsed into bed.
Sunday M's parents left quite early and the rest of the day was very quiet (much needed after socialising). I had an upset stomach from ignoring the gluten issue and eating bread for a couple of days (why do I do it???) so I didn't want to go for a long walk, all I did do was stroll to Tesco for some lunchy bits.
Yesterday my brother came to visit for a few days. He arrived mid afternoon and we fitted in a few miles walking before dinner. I'd already been to Tesco and the library so I was fairly active. I'd decided to barbecue for dinner but due to gusty winds I couldn't get the cheapo disposable barbecue lit so we ended up ordering Chinese - and I had egg noodles, which were made with wheat, which is why I still have an upset stomach. (Seriously, WHY do I do it??? Actually I know why I keep doing it once I start, because it really does almost immediately set up specific wheat cravings in me. SO DON'T START IDIOT)
Today I have an errand in the morning then we'll be walking again, and I will be cooking a gluten free dinner. I can get back off the wheat. I CAN.

Wednesday, 17 August 2016


I've had a very active (not productive - that's a different thing) day today. It started at 8 when I headed to the clinic to pick up a prescription and carried on to the pharmacy to get it filled. The pharmacy took 15 minutes to tell me they were out of stock - which was helpful - so I then had to head into town to find another pharmacy. Luckily we have 4 or possibly 5 so that wasn't a problem and I succeeded in my second attempt. It was so hot that when I got home I just wanted to collapse - but after 5 minutes of collapse I felt restless and a little bit lonely so after expending some energy ripping ginormous cardboard boxes down to a size that might fit in the recycling bin I headed out to the library.
In the afternoon I did week 3 of the Financial Markets course on my phone - there's a coursera app and it's excellent -  and then M asked me if I could pop to the supermarket for something so off I went again. Altogether I walked almost 8.5 miles, and because it was spread over so many shorter walks instead of one big one the heat wasn't absolutely unbearable.
In other news, there is no news on the job front.
My food was mostly good and for once I'm quite satisfied with the amount of exercise I got. If only every day went that way.
PS I have to confess that during a 40 minute video lecture on debt and leverage I nodded off and had to repeat part of the video. I don't think I can be blamed for that.....

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Hot again

Today I had a delivery to wait in for - due between 12:30 and 16:30. As it was furniture I had to hump some of our current furniture around to make room for the assembly - and I'm choosing to call that weight lifting. For a change i didn't let the delivery keep me penned indoors! I managed two short walks in the morning plus mowing the lawn, and another short walk after the delivery arrived at 15:00. Because of the heat and humidity they were very short walks - the whole lot combined to 6.3 miles. Still worth it though!
No news on the job front - no jobs to apply for and no feedback on the one yesterday.
Also in the morning I tried to make a treat for M in the baked goods arena. It was a disaster and ended up in the bin. Luckily I know where I went wrong and plan to try again tomorrow - if it works out I'll post a photo. If not I'll keep trying (despite the waste of ingredients) until it works out. And then I'll post a photo.

Monday, 15 August 2016

Didn't get the job...

Ah well... Apparently they were prepared to offer it to me when they discovered a past employee was available. If that's true they would've been daft to lose his experience for an unknown... So no nice walks along the toll path just yet. I have another iron in the fire now though I'm not relying on anything.
Before I found out I didn't get the job this morning I spent some time on housework in case I got it and they wanted an early start. M's parents are visiting at the weekend so I didn't want to risk not having time to do it properly - although if I'd known I was likely to be off all week I would have left it till the end of the week, now I'll have to do a freshener on Thursday.
After the housework and rejection email I took a walk to the library for a change. I meant to take a second walk in the afternoon but it was too damned hot and humid so I stayed in and read my library books instead. I finished week 2 of my online courses yesterday so I took a day off today.
My exercise was obviously lacking again today but my food was good - I'm feeling better about my eating generally, especially when I lost several hours sleep last night and didn't eat for short term energy boosting.

Friday, 12 August 2016

Interview and stuff

I was ridiculously nervous this morning when I realised that this was the first face to face interview I'd had for about 4 years due to several jobs arising from phone interviews and going back to the same company several times. I don't know why I was more nervous about that than a phone interview but a part of it was probably all the hassle around having to drive to a new place. Because I don't trust traffic ever I allowed an hour and a quarter for a 40 minute journey - and arrived over half an hour early. The office is in a really nice position backing on to a very well maintained and used canal - possibility of nice lunchtime walks if I get offered the job, which I should find out about on Monday. The job sounds OK, possibly high pressure but for so short a time it doesn't matter much.
My new interview suit fit well but was far too warm for such a hot day. When I got back home afterwards I had a quick lunch before going for a short walk - I wanted to go further but it was just too hot and humid. 
Food today was good, not much exercise and I confess I had a little whisky as a reward for making it to my interview. But I also finished week 1 of the Financial Markets course so my day was... Mostly good.

Thursday, 11 August 2016


Is there anything more depressing than having to shop for bigger clothes for an interview? All the time I was complaining about not getting anywhere with my applications I probably should have been quietly sighing in relief that I had time to lose some weight before it became a problem. As it is I spent half an hour trying on my old suits and then had to go shopping because none of them fit me. Some aren't a million miles away - but some are - and I had literally nothing I could wear for the interview tomorrow morning.
I did find something, I don't like it particularly but that's to be expected under the circumstances I suppose. I'm just clinging to the hope that I won't be wearing it for long; most offices accept more casual clothes once you have the job and I'm told I may be able to work from home some of the time (although you never believe what an agent tells you).
So there I am moaning on again. Do you get as sick of me as I do? 

Wednesday, 10 August 2016

I have a job interview

Its only for a 4 week contract but every penny helps... The interview is at 11:30 Friday morning so keep your fingers crossed for me!
Of course it's typical that I actually quite enjoyed today thanks to Diane's friend Anne mentioning Coursera yesterday in a comment on her post. I went on the website today and completed week one of a history course - Ancient Greeks - and started a course on the Financial Markets as well. One for fun (although reading a large chunk of The Iliad wasn't really fun as such) and one more practical. I'm not planning to pay for certification in either of them at the moment, but I'm impressed so far.
I also went to the library (of course) and mowed the lawn. And I totally and completely stuck perfectly to my diet. But  I only walked 2.5 miles because I was too busy watching videos and reading Homer. So my brain is possibly more grateful than my body :-)


I meant to post yesterday but in the end felt too tired and bored by my day to bother. While I'm not earning anything I'm trying not to spend anything, so every day ends up looking the same: I walked to the library, borrowed some books, read the books. A little cooking but not much because I'm finally losing some weight and don't want to tempt myself. Sometimes I mow the lawn, sometimes I do housework, sometimes I don't, and none of it is very interesting. Always I look for jobs, sometimes I apply for jobs, nothing ever comes of the jobs.
If the above reads as self pitying that's an accurate interpretation. If it reads as depressed, so is that. If it sounds frustrated that is also correct. I could really enjoy being off if I wasn't feeling guilty (which is ridiculous since I didn't quit my last job and I am trying to find another) for not being fruitfully employed. M thinks I'm nuts. I think I'm nuts. The problem is because I'm trying to find a job and want to get on with it I'm not doing the kind of thing I'd like to do if I was retired - I'm not starting classes or volunteering at charity shops because if something comes up I'd be abandoning them at short notice in order to make a living. Basically I'm in limbo and quite often find it hard to force myself even to take a shower. (I'm embarrassed to admit I don't always succeed)
So if I disappear for a day or two or three or four... it probably means I didn't bother getting out of bed and don't want to write about another day imitating a vegetable.

Monday, 8 August 2016

Another catch up

On Friday I felt like absolute crap. I was really tired after waking up early again, headachy, nauseous and miserable (hardly surprising that I was miserable given the above) and I had no energy, none at all, just nothing.
I managed one tiny walk to Tesco in the afternoon and spent the rest of the day lying down. Saturday was the same... Then I felt somewhat better on Sunday and mostly fine today thankfully.
Over the weekend my diet continued perfectly, mainly because I didn't want any other food, and today was good but not perfect - I was hungrier, possibly as a result of how low I'd been.
I went for two walks today and did a house tidy - all my 'favourite' jobs - hoovering, scrubbing toilets etc. But going to the library was nice (even if it was baking baking hot) and I was called by an agent while I was there - I'm being put forward for another, really local, job!
After all that I'm quite tired now....

Friday, 5 August 2016

Maybe day 11

Another perfect food day - yay me!
But after falling asleep early last night I woke up around 1 am, so I'm knackered again.
No training today as I want to train every other day for now rather than wearing myself out at the start, although my back was fine today. Instead I mowed the lawn and took a couple of walks - about 5 miles again. I would have liked to go further but between adjusting to restricted calories and poor sleep I didn't have the energy.
And now I'm about to nod off as I type....

Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Probably day 10

No job update I'm afraid :-(
This morning I woke up, annoyingly, at 3. But weirdly I woke up all motivated and on most fronts it was a good day...
1) not only no binge, not only no overeating, but a perfect weight loss food day
2) 20 minutes interval training on the climber 
3) 2 walks, not miles and miles, but getting out and moving around 
The only cloud in the sky - apart from no job update - I have some upper back / neck pain this evening. Hopefully my ergonomic pillow will sort it out tonight.
And tonight will be an early one as my poor sleep last night is catching up with me....

Tuesday, 2 August 2016

Day 9?

What dreary, dank, dark weather we've had today.... I went for two very short walks today in between drizzle and showers but it was less than 4 miles in total and not very satisfying. I also was really hungry all day... I didn't binge but I did over eat, though I managed to steer clear of refined carby crap so I don't feel too bad about it.
This afternoon I brought a little bit of colour into the day by digging out my adult colouring book, which I hadn't touched for months, and I did find it calmed down my usual frustration over the weather. Apart from a few depressed periods the day turned out quite relaxing, especially the bath I took this morning to help my back.
Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day...
Oh yes, I'm being put forward for a couple of jobs at the moment, please keep your fingers crossed for interviews and job offers!

Monday, 1 August 2016

Weekend catch up

I have to say I had a great weekend! My brother visited us and he and I attempted to walk each other into the ground! 
On Saturday we went into London (where else?) and walked everywhere - from Waterloo to Soho to Oxford Street and back - over 13 miles pounding the streets of London plus a couple more going to the station and back. We had a delicious barbecue lunch and nearly melted in the heat. I think we would have walked further but there were lots of hold ups due to the Ride London cycle festival. The city was very crowded - particularly St James Park and Oxford Street - but we still enjoyed ourselves.

Sunday we stayed local and walked a mere 9 miles around town including exploring a park about a mile from the house. 

It was bright and hot so we stayed indoors between 12 and 2pm watching The Bridge of Spies - a truly excellent and compelling movie, brilliantly acted by Tom Hanks and Mark Rylance.

Today I had to go to the clinic for a smear test. Lucky lucky lucky me! Always my favourite thing to do - but I was a year overdue so had to get it out of the way. It went OK and then I had to stay in the rest of the day for a collection. I didn't actually mind since it was chilly, ultimately wet, and I needed to rest anyway. And 3 binge free days!

Friday, 29 July 2016

Day 5

I avoided total binge today by the skin of my teeth - but I did eat crappy annoying sugary garbage in unnecessary quantities. Hey, at least I am learning to spot the warning signs, now I just have to figure out how to stop the free fall...
Today was annoyingly hot and sticky but I was able to get out of the house - and walked over 5, nearly 5 and a half miles. Of course some of that was to buy chocolate but...
Still no jobs. Mildly depressed about that. Thanks Joy & Rachel for your support - sorry I'd already done something stupid :-(

Thursday, 28 July 2016

Day 4

Still no job.
Still no binge.
Are the two things connected?
Today was fairly dull so I apologise for the dullness of the resulting post.
I slept well last night and woke up feeling OK. As the morning wore on though I seemed to run out of energy. I would have gone out for a walk in the hope it would be refreshing, but I was waiting in for a phone call - which didn't materialise until 12:40. In that call a guy who was supposed to be coming round to the house today said he had to visit one other customer first, then he'd come to us. I think I was justified in assuming he would arrive between 13:30 and 14:00 don't you? Nope, he actually arrived just after 15:30 and was here for half an hour - so I literally wasn't able to leave the house till 16:05, and while hanging about waiting for him, spent so long lying on the bed that I started to wonder if I could be getting bed sores! 
When he finally left I dashed out to Tesco because the interminable wait had me longing for a beer. I do feel that going to the supermarket in that mood, I deserve to be proud of the fact that I didn't buy all the gf cookies and cakes - and even more proud of the fact that I didn't really want to! But I have to admit that I have been having some thoughts and feelings that are familiar from past pre-binges - so please keep your fingers crossed for me and if possible tell me not to be stupid before I dive back into that self destructive pool...