This week really is like a rollercoaster for me. That's not a good thing - I hate rollercoasters. They make me want to throw up.
Yesterday I woke up feeling down and only got worse till lunchtime. I felt under pressure at work and really anxious as well as depressed - in fact bordering on panic a couple of times. The minute I could get out of the building for lunch I went into town and bought myself a delicious lunch of gluten, fat and sugar. I ate more than I needed to to stop feeling hungry and then spent the afternoon feeling stuffed but still went off and bought chocolate from the vending machine when the lunch high wore off.
Then I drove home - still feeling edgy and anxious - and demanded M join me in a takeaway. And picked pizza. I picked pizza. Me.
I even said to M while we waited for it to be delivered that I expected to feel like crap tomorrow but it didn't matter. I mean it didn't stop me wanting it, ordering it, and eating it.
Then I slept reasonably well but woke up feeling like crap. I think it may actually be looking for a distraction from my brain rather than just a punishment for God knows what, since my stomach feels like death but my mood does feel a little bit less... well something, not sure what, paranoid and anxious certainly.
Anyway. I threw away the leftover pizza when I was tempted to eat it for breakfast. I think I'm inclined right now to just forget the eating plan in favour of making it through this week, although other bits of me are asking if the week would be easier to get through without the sugar highs and crashes and need to stay within 3 ft of the bathroom. But those bits of me are whispering and the other bits are shouting so I'll probably carry on bingeing and eating garbage for now.
I wonder if I should rename this blog - something like a brokenbodyandcrazybrain would be more appropriate at the moment...