I was actually kind of glad to get back to work today - only kind of, I haven't been bodysnatched! When I'm in the office I have to do some work, which is distracting even when it's boring, and I have to put on a show of being sane and behaving appropriately. At the weekend, I completely collapsed into a bawling howling mess on Saturday evening and on Sunday I didn't leave the house or even get dressed all day. It was not a good weekend.
I have made an appointment to see the doctor and request a prescription for antidepressants, and I've more or less decided that unless there are problematic side effects I'll just stay on them for as long as someone keeps prescribing them. I keep going on them, then coming off them, then eventually melting down completely at a point where it will take a few weeks for them to make me feel better. Not productive behaviour, and despite my reluctance to get dependant on them I think it's time to accept that my brain is lacking a chemical / insensitive to a chemical and it just needs help. And stop feeling ashamed on that account, which I kind of do even though I don't feel similarly judgey towards other people who need them. I guess I'm just supposed to be perfect, damn it! And I'm not.
Anyway, I have no excuse for a working from home day this week and therefore asked for an out of office hours appointment. So I was offered this morning. Or 3:10pm on Thursday. Eventually once she understood that I really did mean out of office hours I booked an early appointment on Saturday. Hopefully work will continue distracting me and I'll be able to wait that long but if I feel myself getting overwhelmed again I'll just have to work from home specifically for an earlier appointment. But I don't feel a day home alone would be helpful at the moment, in fact I'm specifically trying to avoid letting myself spend too much time inside my own head while my inclination is to wallow endlessly.
So that's where I am and that's enough of that.
Today I decided to try a slightly different variation of the intermittent fasting that I mentioned last week - still doing it, and still doing a 16hr fast with an 8hr eating window, but bringing the eating window forwards. I ate a mammoth breakfast around 6am and truly didn't want anything else until after 1, and even then it was more to make sure I had enough calories and protein than actual hunger. The plan is now to not eat until tomorrow morning. There are just 2 possible issues with it - the first is managing to eat enough for a day as early as breakfast (although I can eat more often than once within my window if necessary) and the second is the risk that if I am hungry at night, I've been known to have (more) trouble sleeping when hungry. But I have a plan for each - basically if I can't finish the huge planned breakfast I'll simply take it to work in a food flask and keep at it (within the window) till I've eaten it all; and if I do find I'm lying awake hungry I'll just break the fast with something fairly light to get back to sleep and then reconsider my options.
I would like to make it work as I've done a lot of reading on the benefits of fasting and think it would be nice to have me some of them... Especially as there have been studies suggesting that fasting can help alleviate depression and anxiety.
So the food today section keeps shrinking and getting less interesting ;-)
Lunch: burger that I couldn't eat at breakfast