Monday, 30 November 2015

Always darkest

Well, the weekend was pretty disastrous for me. Following my pizza splurge on Thursday, Fridays lunch was mince pies and cream. Then in the evening I drank beer - 3 beers to be precise. And in an unpleasant yet weirdly triumphant way I demonstrated how successfully I cut down on the booze by being pissed on 3 pathetic beers. And eating more gluten in the form of toast to 'mop up the alcohol'.
At 1:30 I was up getting painkillers for a stabbing, piercing headache and half an hour after that I was throwing up / more than once. I actually woke up in the morning with a stomach acidy sore throat. But you know what? I actually felt less depressed (you know they say that slight pain, like hot chilli pain, can be medicinal in the sense that it distracts you slightly from another more serious pain? Like that)
And I also felt somewhat motivated not to be so f**cking stupid any more. I definitely went through comfort eating / drinking and straight into punishment eating and drinking. And it was pretty dire. I spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday lying on the bed in the spare bedroom (feeling nauseous on the Saturday) alone so I wouldn't have to talk / interact and not even on social media so I wouldn't have to read about other people coping much better than me with pretty much everything. I wallowed in it for 2 days without bingeing again or getting drunk again. I even ate vegetables.
This morning I felt a bit better. I worked from home because I had to do some overtime right after the usual work day and my stomach is still not 100% (it has an amazing repertoire of gurgling and squelching noises today) so I figured I'd spend the long day in as relaxed a fashion as possible. 
At lunchtime I popped to the shop but didn't buy myself anything that doesn't fit in my diet and my lunch was acceptable if not yet optimal. And I fasted this evening (largely because I didn't have time to eat but still)
I'm not back to normal per se, but I feel like there's a break in the clouds and somewhere behind them there's a possibility of sunshine. 
(Obviously that is purely and entirely metaphorical as there was NO HINT of sunshine in the real world today.)
But to feel that way on a Monday - especially a Monday when I started work at 7:30 am and was still working at 10:30 pm - is a giant step in the right direction.

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