Monday, 30 November 2015

Always darkest

Well, the weekend was pretty disastrous for me. Following my pizza splurge on Thursday, Fridays lunch was mince pies and cream. Then in the evening I drank beer - 3 beers to be precise. And in an unpleasant yet weirdly triumphant way I demonstrated how successfully I cut down on the booze by being pissed on 3 pathetic beers. And eating more gluten in the form of toast to 'mop up the alcohol'.
At 1:30 I was up getting painkillers for a stabbing, piercing headache and half an hour after that I was throwing up / more than once. I actually woke up in the morning with a stomach acidy sore throat. But you know what? I actually felt less depressed (you know they say that slight pain, like hot chilli pain, can be medicinal in the sense that it distracts you slightly from another more serious pain? Like that)
And I also felt somewhat motivated not to be so f**cking stupid any more. I definitely went through comfort eating / drinking and straight into punishment eating and drinking. And it was pretty dire. I spent the majority of Saturday and Sunday lying on the bed in the spare bedroom (feeling nauseous on the Saturday) alone so I wouldn't have to talk / interact and not even on social media so I wouldn't have to read about other people coping much better than me with pretty much everything. I wallowed in it for 2 days without bingeing again or getting drunk again. I even ate vegetables.
This morning I felt a bit better. I worked from home because I had to do some overtime right after the usual work day and my stomach is still not 100% (it has an amazing repertoire of gurgling and squelching noises today) so I figured I'd spend the long day in as relaxed a fashion as possible. 
At lunchtime I popped to the shop but didn't buy myself anything that doesn't fit in my diet and my lunch was acceptable if not yet optimal. And I fasted this evening (largely because I didn't have time to eat but still)
I'm not back to normal per se, but I feel like there's a break in the clouds and somewhere behind them there's a possibility of sunshine. 
(Obviously that is purely and entirely metaphorical as there was NO HINT of sunshine in the real world today.)
But to feel that way on a Monday - especially a Monday when I started work at 7:30 am and was still working at 10:30 pm - is a giant step in the right direction.
GIANT.

Friday, 27 November 2015

Rollercoaster

This week really is like a rollercoaster for me. That's not a good thing - I hate rollercoasters. They make me want to throw up.
Yesterday I woke up feeling down and only got worse till lunchtime. I felt under pressure at work and really anxious as well as depressed - in fact bordering on panic a couple of times. The minute I could get out of the building for lunch I went into town and bought myself a delicious lunch of gluten, fat and sugar. I ate more than I needed to to stop feeling hungry and then spent the afternoon feeling stuffed but still went off and bought chocolate from the vending machine when the lunch high wore off.
Then I drove home - still feeling edgy and anxious - and demanded M join me in a takeaway. And picked pizza.  I picked pizza. Me.
I even said to M while we waited for it to be delivered that I expected to feel like crap tomorrow but it didn't matter. I mean it didn't stop me wanting it, ordering it, and eating it.
Then I slept reasonably well but woke up feeling like crap. I think it may actually be looking for a distraction from my brain rather than just a punishment for God knows what, since my stomach feels like death but my mood does feel a little bit less... well something, not sure what, paranoid and anxious certainly.
Anyway. I threw away the leftover pizza when I was tempted to eat it for breakfast. I think I'm inclined right now to just forget the eating plan in favour of making it through this week, although other bits of me are asking if the week would be easier to get through without the sugar highs and crashes and need to stay within 3 ft of the bathroom. But those bits of me are whispering and the other bits are shouting so I'll probably carry on bingeing and eating garbage for now.
I wonder if I should rename this blog - something like a brokenbodyandcrazybrain would be more appropriate at the moment...

Wednesday, 25 November 2015

Working from home Wednesday

Quiet, peaceful and warm - three things that are hard to come by in the office.
All those things may have helped to make me quieter and more peaceful as well- despite my body declaring war on me after the crap I ate yesterday. Lets just say it's a good thing I'd already agreed to WFH today - there are some things I don't want to inflict on my colleagues.
On the positive side it has helped me get over the urges that defeated me yesterday and I feel more in control today. (Though I didn't dare weigh myself in the end) 
It's funny that every time I've visited a doctor to ask for antidepressants I've been warned that sometimes you feel worse before you feel better but this is the first time I've experienced that. Also it's given me more of the foggy brain and forgetfulness this time (although that could be the effect of chronic insomnia). With any luck this means that this time every thing will be amplified including the good stuff I'm actually taking it for! 

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

I suck

I know this just proves how vain and shallow I am, but words can't express what a downer my efforts at taking a halfway acceptable selfie this morning were. I'm now vividly aware of flaws I hadn't even noticed before (I'm an expert at looking in the mirror without really seeing myself) and I'm thinking the best thing I could do for my colleagues is start wearing a paper bag over my head. Or possibly a plastic bag with duct tape round the neck. All this for what turns out to be promotional literature for an American company that doesn't even employ me. 
Leaving aside my perfect face for radio I was already down this morning following my weighing which showed an undeserved number I hoped never to see again. Logically I'm aware that water fluctuations or digestive quirks were probably to blame but what has logic got to do with feelings? Which is why despite being miserable at least partly because of my weight I ate all the chocolate (and some of the crisps) for lunch today. At least tomorrow's weight will have been earned! Also, I don't feel bad about the eating because before I did that I was feeling very tumultuous and anxious and afterwards I was quite calm. Which is better when sharing an office with dozens and dozens of people, regardless of how that calm is achieved.

Monday, 23 November 2015

Bloody Monday AGAIN

One reason I know that my brain hasn't adapted to the antidepressants yet is that I have no interest in doing most of the things I generally enjoy doing - cooking, walking, posting on here... But I'm reading obsessively for comfort (it was always my favourite activity as a kid) even if I don't necessarily take in / remember everything I read - or even most of it. Still, I haven't fallen apart in a sobbing ball for over a week so I guess there's pros and cons.
On Friday I worked from 7 till 4 then from 5 till 7:30 (and that hour in between involved several checks of my work email and instant messaging chats with colleagues so not really a break) and when I finished I was shattered, and fell straight into bed to read until I couldn't keep my eyes open - about half an hour. Saturday I did virtually nothing all day - certainly no walking - and then yesterday I did some more of that again. 
Today I'm back in the office and have realised that I feel more depressed the minute I walk through the door into the construction site that is our office - even before the noise starts up. It doesn't help that this morning my corner of the office had no working light and the whole place had been unheated since Friday. My car claimed it was -2 this morning and the office didn't give me any reason to doubt it. Sitting at my desk in the dark wearing my coat got the day off to a great start.
Apart from extreme apathy all weekend I didn't feel too bad but today was definitely a bit of a set back. I was miserable and uncomfortable at work all day putting on a mostly cheerful face for as long as I could stand then sticking my ear buds in and listening to Classic fm when I started to get really sick of the totally trivial bullsh*t being spouted by some of my colleagues endlessly... At least I can listen to the radio in an emergency.
We've all been ordered to take selfish with our smartphones and send them to the marketing department tomorrow. Even contractors. At the moment I'm thinking hell no - I'm allergic to being in front of the camera and currently feeling way too ugly (not even to mention the overgrown hair I can't be bothered to have cut). Of course I'm too wussy to make a big thing of it do I'll probably just passive aggressively 'forget' until I'm reminded by someone senior and then take an ugly scowling photo that will be deleted the moment it hits the marketing woman's Inbox.
I hate my job.

Thursday, 19 November 2015

Rain

Rain
Power tools 
Rain
Hammering 
Rain 
Screaming 
OK no actual out loud screaming - but I was soooo tempted.
This office is not currently a good place to be, and the weather is not helping by trapping me there. 
Ah well. 
I woke up around 3 this morning - so I basically managed a lie in by recent standards. That's not getting better since I got medicated, or started fasting, or (2 days ago) gave in and put a duvet on the bed instead of my usual empty duvet cover. I'm out of Nytol and reluctant to buy any more and I think the self hypnosis thing I was using has lost its power over me. I guess I'll have to do another search.
I'm absolutely knackered today. Work today was insane with multiple last minute changes to software that's supposed to be going live tomorrow. I left work a bit late - only half an hour - but it was enough to make my drive home a lot slower and more stressful. A reminder if I needed it that I don't want to hang around past 4.

Food today: meatloaf cooked in the slow cooker. It looked like either the world's largest burger or possibly a cake made of beef mince. No photos because it slightly fell apart as it came out of the slow cooker inset.

Weight today: 10 st 11.5 lbs / 151.5 lbs / 68.8 kgs 

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

Wednesday from home

So nice not to have to drive to the office this morning as I woke up around 2 thanks to the wind and even a sleep hypnosis programme couldn't put me back under (it was the first time I've heard it through to the end). Plus the wind is rising again so I'm happy to be off the roads. Is it only me who can't feel really warm when I can hear the wind outside? The house itself was warm enough all day but I was fully dressed (in a sweatshirt and jeans) and under a duvet while working. Comfortable but I'm sure it was psychological. I used to think because they're lower to the ground you wouldn't hear as much wind noise in a bungalow - this is NOT true.
At lunchtime I was too busy in the kitchen for a walk - I'd just had my Tesco order and was roasting a gammon joint, assembling a meatloaf for tomorrow and frying a burger. I was really tempted to go out to buy some cream (having deliberately removed from my Tesco order) but persuaded myself not to by reminding myself that my eating window was up for today so there was no point until tomorrow. Hopefully by then the urge will have worn off. Though I did get genuinely hungry later and had to eat a little cold meat.

Food today: meatballs and burgers 

Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Tuesday again

Nothing of any interest happened at the weekend or yesterday. In fact I barely remember anything of the last 3 days.
One thing I do remember is the ridiculous noise levels in the office yesterday - and today it was worse, before 9am I was already getting homicidal. To be fair it quietened down later, I think the problem was they don't expect many people in early so they schedule lots of noisy jobs first thing. 
It was a really dreary day today wasn't it? I know Wales and coastal areas generally got the worst of it - cold rain and just enough wind to be annoying was as bad as it got here this morning - but it was enough to dissuade me from my lunchtime walk. And then it started really raining between 3 and 4 - just perfectly timed for my drive home at 4. It was only drizzling for the journey itself but plenty of spray to contend with. Now I can hear the wind howling around the house and have taken refuge under a duvet for comfort because it sounds cold.
In other news I think it's possible that I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better today - more stable in my mood - although it could be a placebo effect since I don't think I've got anywhere close to the therapeutic dose of my antidepressants yet. Whatever the reason though, despite still sleeping pretty badly - I feel lucky these days if I manage 6 hrs - I'm not feeling as hopeless or as exhausted, and it feels better.

Food today: burgers, burgers...

Friday, 13 November 2015

Friday again

A very peaceful Friday working from home again. From what I heard the same could not be said about the office.
I slept incredibly badly last night with lots of weird anxiety dreams and my brain spinning at a rate of knots half the night. I was shattered by morning and felt really groggy for hours. Even when my brain kind of woke up I didn't have the energy to go for a proper walk at lunchtime apart from a short sharp trip to the nearest shop. I doubt if I would have gone far anyway - it was really windy all day with heavy showers in the morning. Later it was much nicer to look out at with lots of bright sunshine, but still very windy and at one point a brief torrent with the sun - I guess that was our little exposure to Abigail down in the South.
I've got very little to post about today (obviously from the above) so I guess I won't waste your time :-)

Food today:
Breakfast: belly pork 
Lunch: leftover belly pork followed by cream 

Thursday, 12 November 2015

Thursday

Well, I was expecting to be disappointed in my hope that I could see the doctor today as they were fully booked when I phoned at 8:15 this morning. She suggested I call back at lunchtime in case of cancellations and I did, but no such luck at first. However, mysteriously I was able to get an appointment at 3:50 despite the lack of cancellations so I don't know what was going on there - someone hoping to finish early perhaps, but unable to actually refuse if specifically asked?
My mood was a bit lower today - maybe because home alone is less distracting than the office, even when it's annoying. So I am relieved to say that I now have my prescription and will start taking it tomorrow morning - I didn't want to start today because it can affect sleep patterns if you take it in the evenings and I want to start it off the way I intend to carry on. This time I'm resigned to just taking it indefinitely (so long as there are no intolerable side effects) and simply reducing the dose as low as possible once I feel better as I clearly can't trust my stupid brain to make its own chemicals consistently.
As I was working from home obviously I escaped the racket from the construction work. Just before I finished for the day I got an email warning that tomorrow there will be 'lots of loud drilling' and suggesting that we ask the builders for ear defenders 'if necessary'. It absolutely amazes me that people who work in a purely intellectual job requiring concentration should be expected to be at all effective or productive in that kind of situation. I will not be going in to be deafened, ear defenders or not, and I doubt I will be the only one.
The fasting is still going well. It's kind of an ongoing experiment to see which foods are the most satisfying for the longest time. Today's breakfast was a little less satisfying but lunch made up for it and I wasn't tempted to break the fast this evening. And this morning's weight in was a new low for my current onslaught against the blubber (I still want to lose about 8 more lbs but I'm not officially overweight any more and it's been a while since I could say that)
Food today:
Breakfast: bacon and eggs 

Lunch: lamb chops 

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Wednesday

The refurb is now properly underway in the office and it's amazingly helpful to hear hammering, sawing, banging and crashing when trying to focus on your actual job.
(Yesterday some code was deployed to my test environment that completely broke the exact functionality I'm supposed to be testing, so I can't claim today would have been amazingly productive if it were quiet, but still, we'll never know... maybe in a peaceful working environment I would have figured out the problem and saved the day!)
It's my belief that behind the temporary wall they erected directly behind my row of desks the builders are smoking - it smells that way anyway - and microwaving fish dishes. That adds a delightful twist. Also the heating / air con has been switched off for the duration and I thought that would make it rather cooler in the office. First thing this morning that was the case and the temperature was positively pleasant, but by afternoon it was hot (which may be a commentary on the amount of hot air we're all emitting) and there was no way to cool it down, which made me feel a bit icky -slightly nauseous - in the afternoon, especially with the above mentioned smells. On the positive side the purely physical annoyances and distractions didn't give me as much time to feel sorry for myself so I haven't been as depressed today. And I even managed to go for a walk this lunchtime, not shopping but just around this fairly appealing lake in the next business park to ours.
Between that and the extra long walk to the bathroom / kitchen I managed to walk 4 miles today, which isn't bad for a full time working in the office day. However tomorrow I'm working from home and will try to get an appointment at the doctors so I can kill two birds with one stone.
I'm still sticking to my fasting plan - actually instead of my 16:8 plan yesterday I stopped eating at 12 giving more of an 18:6 day (however I was and am a bit hungrier today so that might be going too far) We'll see though, as tomorrow is due to go the same way. At the moment I'm still not able to fit enough protein and calories to eat just once, though I'd still like to.

Food today:
Breakfast: lamb chops and scrambled eggs 

Lunch: Chicken wings 

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Tuesday

I forgot to mention yesterday that it's TTOM at the moment - and it's a doozy. Lots of stomach cramps and I'm retaining so much water the scales claim I gained 3.5 lbs overnight without eating a thing off plan. I feel like a barrage balloon and much as I hate it when sexist gits immediately go there - I'm pretty sure that some of my current emotional upheaval is hormonal. So between the antidepressants, once I get them, my hormones settling down and, if I keep it up, the antidepressant effect of the fasting I should be rainbows and sunshine by the end of the month. In which case no one, including me, will recognise me.
After I sobbed on his shoulder on Saturday night about the unending vista of a crap life not worth the effort of living through stretching endlessly ahead (I got a little redundant there as well as overly dramatic and this is why you probably shouldn't ask someone depressed why they are depressed) M decided to come up with something for me to look forward to. We aren't going on holiday at present because he likes all the (expensive) bells and whistles but we also haven't really been doing or planning anything fun to do on a smaller scale. Last night we booked tickets to go to War Horse in London in February. We'll also spend a night in London and have a nice meal to make a day of it. We saw the play and loved it in New York a few years ago and I read a review which said the British production is even better - and the run closes in March so if you like the theatre you should go quick (I can say that now we have tickets) and don't let the dreadful (I'm told) movie adaptation put you off if you accidentally saw it. I can't go as far as to say I'm excited yet, but a couple of weeks from Saturday I expect to be quite excited indeed. 
Today I was quite depressed indeed instead. The distractingness of work didn't work today and I had a few tearful moments that I hope went unnoticed. I'm not sure I will be waiting till the weekend for my appointment. Even though I know I'll still have to wait for the dose to reach therapeutic levels in my blood I feel like I need to get started on that as soon as possible.

Food today:
Brunch: steak and eggs 
Lunch: meatballs 

Monday, 9 November 2015

Monday

was actually kind of glad to get back to work today - only kind of, I haven't been bodysnatched! When I'm in the office I have to do some work, which is distracting even when it's boring, and I have to put on a show of being sane and behaving appropriately. At the weekend, I completely collapsed into a bawling howling mess on Saturday evening and on Sunday I didn't leave the house or even get dressed all day. It was not a good weekend.
I have made an appointment to see the doctor and request a prescription for antidepressants, and I've more or less decided that unless there are problematic side effects I'll just stay on them for as long as someone keeps prescribing them. I keep going on them, then coming off them, then eventually melting down completely at a point where it will take a few weeks for them to make me feel better. Not productive behaviour, and despite my reluctance to get dependant on them I think it's time to accept that my brain is lacking a chemical / insensitive to a chemical and it just needs help. And stop feeling ashamed on that account, which I kind of do even though I don't feel similarly judgey towards other people who need them. I guess I'm just supposed to be perfect, damn it! And I'm not.
Anyway, I have no excuse for a working from home day this week and therefore asked for an out of office hours appointment. So I was offered this morning. Or 3:10pm on Thursday. Eventually once she understood that I really did mean out of office hours I booked an early appointment on Saturday. Hopefully work will continue distracting me and I'll be able to wait that long but if I feel myself getting overwhelmed again I'll just have to work from home specifically for an earlier appointment. But I don't feel a day home alone would be helpful at the moment, in fact I'm specifically trying to avoid letting myself spend too much time inside my own head while my inclination is to wallow endlessly.
So that's where I am and that's enough of that.
Today I decided to try a slightly different variation of the intermittent fasting that I mentioned last week - still doing it, and still doing a 16hr fast with an 8hr eating window, but bringing the eating window forwards. I ate a mammoth breakfast around 6am and truly didn't want anything else until after 1, and even then it was more to make sure I had enough calories and protein than actual hunger. The plan is now to not eat until tomorrow morning. There are just 2 possible issues with it - the first is managing to eat enough for a day as early as breakfast  (although I can eat more often than once within my window if necessary) and the second is the risk that if I am hungry at night, I've been known to have (more) trouble sleeping when hungry. But I have a plan for each - basically if I can't finish the huge planned breakfast I'll simply take it to work in a food flask and keep at it (within the window) till I've eaten it all; and if I do find I'm lying awake hungry I'll just break the fast with something fairly light to get back to sleep and then reconsider my options. 
I would like to make it work as I've done a lot of reading on the benefits of fasting and think it would be nice to have me some of them... Especially as there have been studies suggesting that fasting can help alleviate depression and anxiety.
So the food today section keeps shrinking and getting less interesting ;-)

Breakfast: burgers 
Lunch: burger that I couldn't eat at breakfast 

Friday, 6 November 2015

Friday

Its Friday and a wet one. Both literally and figuratively. I'm feeling really down today. I'm not sure why, there's nothing concrete so I guess I'm just due one of my pointless and reasonless periods of depression. Watching Criminal Minds earlier I got weepy and it wasn't even a particularly heart rending story. Then I did the same thing again later - and that time it was a comedy I was watching. Even The Big Bang Theory couldn't cheer me up. I'm not looking for sympathy as this feels self indulgent even to me. It's more like a heads in that I'll probably be posting misery for a while. 
Logically I should be fairly happy today. I had a relatively pleasant weigh in (relatively - don't get excited on my behalf) and I succeeded in sticking to the 16/8 fasting protocol despite being quite hungry early on. But this evening I was driven to drink - just a glass and a half of wine, drunk within my eating window - because I don't feel good. And even though I knew it wouldn't help I needed it.
Might be time to go back to the doctor...

Food today:
Brunch: burgers (homemade from beef mince, cheese optional)
Also chicken wings but they were still in the George Foreman Grill when I took the picture 
Dinner: slow cooked pork shoulder (I made the 'crackling' into pork rinds for tomorrow and resisted eating any today)
Snacks: cream 

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Thursday again

And I had another physio appointment this morning, so I worked from home. My appointment this morning went a little differently - as I went in he asked how I'd been doing, and by the time I told him I'd been in pain most of the time since my last appointment he decided not to do any massaging today (he didn't say that was why, but it just didn't happen) so I'm in less pain now and expect to be able to walk tomorrow - a nice bonus. 
He's put me down for a course of classes in core strengthening stretches starting later in the month. Sadly they're after work and a drive away so I don't know how likely it is I'll do the full course, but I'll give it a shot. Assuming of course that the M4 doesn't get closed due to accidents every Tuesday from now till Christmas, it wouldn't surprise me if it did!
My appointment was quite early and I walked there so I got my walk in before the weather went to crap - well, kind of, it was dry on the way and drizzling most of the way back, but rained harder later. I didn't bother to go out again at lunchtime or after work.
I've decided to try intermittent fasting now that I'm more used to the carnivorous diet I'm on. Last time I tried, right after the BBC documentary with Michael Mosley, I caved due to bingeing on the food days. This time I expect fewer crazy cravings due to not eating carbs but I'm also taking a different approach - giving myself a shorter daily eating window instead of alternate day fasting. To start with I'm trying a 16:8 pattern (16 hrs fasting, 8 hr eating window) and today I managed it, although I did eat at 16hrs 1 minute :-) Considering I'd also walked almost 3 miles in that time I was quite happy with that. Of course not being bored in the office all morning did help with that - it's so much harder not to eat in work! 
Still, an ok start and I hope it works this time. I like the idea of not having to use the kitchen at work while the refurb is going on, so it would be ideal if I could just wait to eat till the evening. Even just breaking the 3 meals plus snack habit so I can eat breakfast at home, then dinner at home, and forget lunch would be better. I guess we'll see... Always tweaking :-)

Oh guess what, the fireworks are back tonight....

Food today: 
Brunch: burgers 
Dinner: egg drop soup 

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

Back to normal

In the office today there was a state of mild chaos as the office is being refurbished starting next week. We're expected to carry on as normal while they remove walls, rip out air conditioning and replace kitchens all around us. With no heating except that offered by electric heaters switched on by the first people in. Starting in November and running through January. Is it me or is that crazy?
Everyone I've spoken to - including myself - is planning to work from home a lot. The poor receptionist has no choice but to come in and is feeling hard done by. 
Anyway, moaning and criticising each new decision is a distraction from the normal frustrations of working. And I did enjoy a nice walk at lunchtime today (as the aches and pains felt much better) with walking buddies #1 and #2. Even though it was a really wet day to start and a grey day after that. By lunch it was just grey.
After work as usual was just unwinding over kitchen chores and TV watching. But I am happy to report that for the first time in over a week I didn't hear anything fireworks today! If only I didn't know it was about to start up again....

Food today:
Breakfast: cheesy scrambled eggs 
Lunch: lamb chops 
Dinner: egg drop soup (actually this time I just poached the egg in the stock instead of beating it and drizzling it in. A small but significant difference :-))
Snacks: cheese, cream 

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

Tuesday

I decided to ignore Monday this week as every time I tried to start a post it was so tedious I couldn't stay awake to write it. My weekend wasn't great either so I won't bother to bore you with the details.
I did go fairly hard off the wagon yesterday by eating a protein cookie and a protein flapjack late afternoon (which I turned into my dinner). I didn't enjoy them much so it was completely stupid, but when I added them into myfitnesspal I was surprised to learn that if their nutritional info is correct I still managed to stay within ketogenic carb levels which was quite a nice surprise. Because they contained gluteny grain flours I've been a little constipated today, but with no discomfort, and the carb increase only added half a pound according to the scales. Hopefully not enjoying it will be something I remember next time I just want something to eat no matter what.
So today became a start over day and didn't go badly. No extra food eaten. No exercise sadly due to miscellaneous aches and pains. No making things worse.

Food today:
Breakfast: egg-mayo pancake spread with cream cheese 
Lunch: burgers 
Dinner: egg drop soup 
Snacks: cheese