Thursday, 29 October 2015

When the fury dies down

What's left is apparently depression, which is a bit weird. But I do feel really down today. 
I went into the office and it was actually quite quiet due to a lot of permies being out for a training day, including most of the managers in the department. My recent surge in work that was making me feel more productive ended as there's a problem needing investigation so I was stuck with tedious paperwork today - that probably contributed to not feeling great, as did the excessive quantities of coffee I drank this morning. But there was also a general air of malaise in the whole office, and the extremely dreary weather didn't help either.
Whatever the reason, today just sucked. In yesterday's rage fuelled tantrum (by the way, apologies for my language, I do try not to go crazy with it here (you should hear me in real life!)) I didn't mention that as soon as I read the letter from the hospital I rang up to try to get some help from the consultant's PA who in the past has been able to find me a slot when the main appointments team couldn't; I was promised a call back today and surprisingly that did happen - and now I have a new appointment booked for Dec 3rd instead of the 24th. I'm very unconvinced, hoping it does happen while basically resigned to not having my check up this year. Resigned but not happy about it. I'm seriously considering making a formal complaint if it gets moved again but I'm a little bit concerned about whether that might just make me unpopular enough there to get no care at all. Admittedly the way things are going that looks a lot like what's happening already... If I'm lucky my file has a massive red flag on it saying DO NOT RESCHEDULE, since I left the poor woman I spoke to yesterday in no doubt as to the strength of my feelings!
I was too grumpy at lunchtime to inflict myself on my walking buddy - and way too grumpy to go out alone while stewing inside in my own head - so I stayed in the office, at my desk, and escaped into a novel instead. The walk might have been a better choice but almost certainly would have involved buying extra food, which is undesirable both in diet terms and in terms of having a budget to stick to now - so staying put was a good second best. At least I didn't let my own crazybrain talk me into eating off plan, even though it was a very hungry day. In fact I had nothing extra with me, and not going out prevented me from rectifying that, with the result that I ate exactly what was on my plan with no extras - a rare thing, I can tell you!
This evening was actually OK - I've been having a lot of computer trouble lately and (fingers crossed) an update I installed this morning may have improved the situation, in which case I won't have to throw my laptop out of the window any time soon...

Food today:
Breakfast: (not very satisfying) crab salad (tinned crab, mayo, dijon mustard and lemon juice - just a splash)
Lunch: meatloaf 
Dinner: lamb burgers 
Snacks: cheese 

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