Apologies for my pitiful maunderings earlier (I don't know if that's a word, but I think it fits)
I have decided to wait and restart the whole30 when I'm not in this incredibly negative headspace - it's just not possible (for me) to approach the restrictions with a positive attitude when wishing a meteorite / building / vehicle would fall on my head and put me out of my misery. I'm not planning weeks of unrestrained gorging (though after last weekend I can't deny the risk) but I miss butter, and cheese, and cream... Many other things too. And that isn't helping me get over the mental downward spiral I'm currently in (I sound exactly like someone who plans to gorge for weeks don't I? Probably on cheese, spread with butter, dunked in cream... Although... Yuck) I thought when I decided to start it that the discipline was exactly what I needed following my disastrous weekend last week, but I'm afraid now that it was just too much to ask.
I have also made a start on looking after myself in that I've finally made an appointment to see the doctor about my back. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't, but I feel like maybe being depressed was feeding my reluctance (I don't deserve to stop being in pain...) while I am very sure that being pain has (and is) fed my depression. Sadly the first appointment I could get outside office hours is over a week away, and if necessary I am prepared to wfh and try for an earlier appointment as and when. I also made an overdue appointment to get my hair cut on Monday. Last weekend I was due to get it done and just couldn't bring myself to give a damn.
So maybe splattering the Internet with my miserableness did do me some good (I KNOW Diane and Rachel's comments did - thanks guys!)
I walked at lunchtime even though I had no walking buddy and didn't feel like it. I have to admit I read a book the whole way - I know I wasn't really 'present' but at the moment, with all the wallowing, I'd rather do it - without dwelling on anything - than not do it, even if I looked like a loony. I did the same thing after work - to get 10000 steps in.
I confess this evening I drank some vodka in a medicinal form as well. But I've gone from wanting to die to just wanting to start walking and never stop, so that's something....
Breakfast: Scrambled eggs with mushrooms and leek
Lunch: egg, bacon, avocado salad
Dinner: salmon fillet baked with a topping of pesto mayo with roasted asparagus
Snacks: chocolate bar - just the one (and it was indeed GOOD); pork scratchings