Friday, 31 July 2015

Arrgh

I was right about the hiatus in the downward trend in my weight as the scales claimed I was nearly 3lbs heavier today than yesterday. This is why I weigh daily (when I'm feeling motivated) - if I'd seen that number at the end of a week I would have been depressed but I would have believed in it; because I know that my grazing yesterday was at most 300 extra calories I know that the number this morning is a short term glitch and I'm not depressed. Much healthier - even if some people consider daily weigh ins excessive / obsessional.
The big deployment I've been banging on about is due this evening. My involvement is supposed to last from 7pm till 10pm. I'll be surprised if it doesn't drag on later than that - based on the chaotic situation all this week. Thankfully I have nothing important planned for this weekend, though I hope to walk at least 12 miles on at least one day, and if possible 10 - 12 on the other, weather, exhaustion and work permitting!
Today I worked from home having slept pretty badly last night - not exactly surprising since I'm not good at compartmentalising my life and I defy anyone to sleep well after spending a week swimming in adrenaline and cortisol from all the stress and rage. I didn't make it out for a pre-work walk as I was bogged down with a chore (paperwork) that really should have been done weeks ago. I did however go out at lunch, and again after work since I needed the time to recover my strength for this evening's overtime. In total about 6.2 miles.


Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with mushrooms and leek
Lunch: cream of chicken soup
Dinner: salmon with pesto zoodles
Snacks: cheese

Thursday, 30 July 2015

IT sucks. Technology sucks. Bring back the abacus /pen & paper

The frustration at work continues...  My part of the deployment is going fine, but half the project was developed overseas and that half is holding us up - so annoying! Especially after all the frenetic activity on Tuesday trying to make up for lost time. And now they're also trying to get me to do their jobs for them....
6 ounces down this morning but I've been a little bit of a graze monster today so expect a change in the trend tomorrow...  (A temporary and short lived change...) unless the rage diet is actually a thing, I was tearing my hair out today and several colleagues pretended to be terrified of my wrath...

Food today:
Breakfast: poached eggs served over sautéed sweetheart cabbage
Lunch: Sainsburys ready cooked bacon and babybel cheese
Dinner: egg drop soup
Snacks: cheese

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

So busy. So tired.

I was Really Really busy at work all day today trying to make up for the time lost yesterday. Which I did, but only just. This deployment promises to be a nightmare - but hopefully a successful one. Hopefully.
I did manage to take my lunchtime walk - to be honest I was wondering if I should take the time, but decided it was better to get away from my desk and laptop for a proper break given that it had been such a stressful and busy morning. Involving the discovery of a last minute really obscure bug (not found by me - but that wasn't my fault) requiring an ad hoc fix that may yet come back to bite us. It usually does when something gets done in a panic. My stress levels were really helped by my realising it was TTOM again... Happily I wasn't driven to binge or drink, or even tempted in fact.
All the chaos in my head today meant I had no time for obsessing over food, diet or weightloss so that was a silver lining. I was down another 10oz this morning btw, which pleased me at the time but absolutely delighted me when I realised about TTOM. Wooo hoo - must have been the Rage diet. Hey, I wonder if the rage was partly pms? Maybe I'm not a closet homicidal maniac after all!

Food today:
Breakfast: strange gelatin shrimp salad that I made last night - designed for a 'fat fast'. The recipe intrigued me as a possible base for taking lunch to work that isn't too smelly. Its texture is not that appealing so when it's gone it's unlikely to reappear in my food diary
Lunch: should have been more of the gelatin salad but I went for Greek yogurt and Brazil nuts instead
Dinner: bacon and eggs
Snacks: macadamia nuts, cheese

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

The rage ..

No bloat / stomach ache today, yay! Also another 0.8lbs down. After reading a few websites yesterday I convinced myself I had - and probably always had had - IBS. But now it's gone so unless there's a recurrence I intend to forget and ignore - my favourite approach. I won't be drinking milk by the pint anymore due to the carbs, so if that's it I'll be all right anyway.
Today started sunny but chilly then went to overcast, dreary and chilly later. It's definitely summer.
I had a monumentally frustrating morning today being held up in my work by other people who had to do their jobs first so that I had something to test. At times like that I'm better off working from home so I can snarl, swear and call them names when they make things harder than they need to be. Unfortunately I was in the office and had to bottle it all up. This was not easy and I'm slightly surprised my head didn't explode as I wasn't venting the pressure. The reasonable part of my nature - the minority - kept pointing out that supporting my deployment was not in fact the only work they had to do. The rest of me stewed and stamped it's mental feet and basically threw a tantrum. Neither part of me in any way affected the outcome of anything. But the tantrum was more satisfying. If rage burns calories (and it feels like it should) I should be lbs lighter tomorrow... I really wanted to rampage screaming through the office throwing things.

I went for a walk at lunchtime on my own as my walking buddy was selfishly taking a vacation day. It was OK, but that cold wind I kept moaning about a month or two definitely seems to be back. As a result I found lots of things to do in the kitchen after work that didn't include going for a walk.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with pate, red onion and tomato
Lunch: pork scratchings and egg fast vanilla custard
Dinner: Shirataki fettuccine Alfredo
Snacks: macadamia nuts, cheese

Monday, 27 July 2015

FFS

What a mixed weekend - Saturday I felt good, walked 10 miles, enjoyed the weather, ate a lot because of walking 10 miles....  I did make the mistake of drinking a pint of milk without checking the carbs, but entering my food and drink into myfitnesspal allowed me to adjust the rest of my intake to compensate. Saturday night some charming people living nearby let off fireworks in the middle of the night resulting in very little sleep for insomniac me.  Bastards. I don't want to live in the middle of nowhere except when I do...
Then yesterday I headed out earlyish hoping to fit in a decent walk before the forecast rain hit - that didn't happen. I tried to keep going but it was just dreary so I went home (swearing at the bloody British summer weather) and collapsed for a few hours. Later the rain eased off briefly and a made a dash for the shop. Between the two walks and a bit of marching on the spot back indoors I managed to get 10000 steps but it wasn't a fun 10000.
I managed not to feel suicidal over the weekend even with the weather yesterday and the accompanying frustration so that feels positive.
Something odd did happen yesterday though, and I'm not sure why. Around early evening I became aware of some stomach discomfort. Not TTOM style cramps, but a bloated feeling with some pain. And my stomach actually blew up like a balloon, I could feel it being swollen. It was slightly improved this morning but got worse after I foolishly ate lunch. So I'm guessing it was something I are, and trying to figure out what it might be. Possible culprits do include dairy though I've never previously been aware of a problem with dairy. I cooked lamb yesterday which I rarely do - again I haven't noticed a problem before, and I generally get lamb whenever we have a kebab, and often when we have a curry, it's one of my favourite meats oh please not the lamb not the lamb... Or the dairy, because I need cheese and yogurt in my life. Apart from that I ate coconut and macadamia nuts - ditto the no former problems. If it doesn't improve very quickly it's going to force me into a whole30 or other elimination diet and I'm still not sure that I'm up to that. Even with the swollen stomach I was still down another 0.4lbs from Friday (it was down 1.6lbs prior to the swollen stomach) Sadly and illogically it didn't rob my of my appetite. Around 3 pm it cleared completely, then came back after dinner. Doesn't feel too bad at the moment though.

This morning I woke up thinking I'm so glad it's not time to get up yet... and then the alarm went off. Never a good start to the day. It was grey, drizzling and depressing all day, probably just as well since I wasn't feeling like I should go for a walk in case my stomach exploded but given the weather I didn't care.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with pate, red onion and tomato
Lunch: egg fast vanilla custard
Dinner: lamb with half an avocado and half a tomato
Snacks: macadamia nuts, cheese

Friday, 24 July 2015

Singing in the rain? Nope

What an unbelievably dreary day - wall to wall drizzle from about 7 am. I managed a pre-work walk - I thought it was worth the effort as it hadn't started raining at that point but the forecast was clear about how unappealing it would be later, and I worked from home so no 20 mile drive to work to fit in - and went back to the woods I shared with you yesterday. I didn't take any photos though as it was pretty gloomy, especially under the trees.
At lunchtime I tried something I've been meaning to try out as a rainy day alternative for a while - one of Lesley Sansone's Walk Away The Pounds workouts. I can't pretend it was as good as walking somewhere green and filled with birdsong (OK, and the sound of cars on a nearby A road) but it wasn't too hard on my back or neck and fitted neatly into my lunch break with enough left over to make lunch. However, since then I've had lower back pain - maybe I was favouring the places that previously hurt? And therefore walking funny? Or maybe I'm falling apart and should be put down... Despite the pain in my back I popped to the shop after work and when I got back I realised I'd done about 9600 steps - so, feeling rather daft, I marched on the spot again to get 10050 steps (5 miles) on the pedometer.

Another 1.8 lbs of water retention down this morning...

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon and tomato
Lunch: pate omelette
Dinner: fat fast Shirataki mac n cheese 
Snacks: cheese, Pork scratchings

Thursday, 23 July 2015

Definitely looking up

Yesterday's horrific weigh in was improved by 3 lbs this morning - proving just how susceptible to bloat /inflammation /water retention I am when I eat (or drink) the wrong things. It's still not a number I'm happy with and I'm still determined to permanently change it for the better, but it was a boost even so.
My shoulder / neck soreness is improving though I can still feel it. The back pain is virtually gone - or maybe the neck thing is just distracting enough to mask it. I'm thinking - hoping - that I might be able to try getting on the climber next week if the improvement continues. It can be used as a stepper without arm involvement which might be more gentle on my back and neck until I know where I stand with it.
By the time I left work today I was starving and worried that I might be headed for a binge, so I went for a walk (and left my purse at home). I spent a little while - not long enough, but I will be going back - wandering around another Nature Reserve - a really nicely wooded area.







By the time I got home I'd walked just over 5 miles, and managed to distract the possible binge away (although I did still need to eat asap so I cooked as soon as I walked through the door.)  I also didn't have a drink, although I wanted to - but I think it does have a disproportionate effect on my weight loss efforts and I'm so very motivated right now... An early night (OK, really early!) is now about to happen, both for the health and diet benefits of more sleep and to keep me away from the kitchen (it is still calling me) Night everybody!

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with leek, cabbage and tomatoes with a plum
Lunch: egg fast pancakes with cheese and a small pot of Fage Total yogurt (full fat)
Dinner: bacon and eggs
Snacks: cheese

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Every day a little bit better

I managed to stay completely on plan with the food today - low carb plan - which did make me feel much more in control thankfully. I couldn't fit in a walk before work so I had to settle for a lunchtime walk and plenty of pacing around the office which according to my pedometer added in to about 3.5 miles - a big drop from last week but I was really squeezing in an unsustainable amount of walking last week. After work I hopped in the bath again. It does feel really good - almost luxurious - to lie there and just relax. It reminded me of how I used to take a bath after work 4 days a week when I was working away in Nottingham as both stress relief and binge avoidance. It's still filling both roles now!
I weighed myself this morning and it was, justifiably, horrific. However, and I guess this is a sign of how much better I am feeling generally today, it was motivatingly horrific not face down in a bathtub of whisky / chocolate horrific. I'm not brave enough to post a number just yet though.
So here I go again.... (Hopefully) onwards and downwards - on the scale that is!

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with leek, mushrooms and tomatoes with a plum
Lunch: egg fast pancakes with butter and cheese
Dinner: egg drop soup
Snacks: cheese

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

No more tears

And once again the meltdown is followed by a better day. I'm not feeling good, much less great, but I feel... more level is the best word I think. At a lower level than I'd prefer, but still better than diving head first into despair.
I didn't walk before work today but spent the time on another project. I'll tell you about it should I stick with it, but it's too soon as yet. I did go for a walk at lunchtime with my walking buddy and it was good - helpful - to get away from my desk, move my body, and talk to someone who doesn't know how crazy my brain sometimes (often?) gets - I don't want people at work to know and that means I work on acting like a normal human being around them. I'm not sure how good a job I really do, I'm not famed for my acting ability, but it's a kind of 'fake it till you make it' situation. After work I chose to take a long hot bath as Diane suggested a little while ago to pamper myself a little bit in a way that didn't support eating. As a result I didn't eat anything I hadn't planned this evening, and that feels as good as the hot water did.

Food today:
Breakfast: flourless egg fast pancakes and bulletproof coffee
Lunch: soup based on turkey Bolognese sauce plus extra liquid and vegetables; raisins for dessert
Dinner: vegetable omelette with smoked sausage
Snacks: plum, 2 cherries, cashew nuts

SPLAT

I wrote most of this yesterday, during the day, while feeling fairly cheerful. Then my mood went splat in the evening, I had a somewhat spectacular crying fit all over the kitchen and a rather confused M, ate a Bounty and some toast for breakfast, drank some booze to cheer myself up, and fell into bed without posting it. I must have slept tied up in a stressed, manic depressive knot as this morning my neck has completely seized up.  Still, I wrote this so I won't 'waste' it...

After all my whinging about my father in law's visit I really enjoyed it. On Friday he and M stayed up really late after I'd gone to bed catching up and I slept badly which wasn't the best start admittedly, but on Saturday while they slept in to make up for that I went for my first of 3 walks. I had my doctor appointment at 10 and she agreed to refer me to a physiotherapist (damn, I forgot to ask how long that was likely to take...) and then I went for a relatively short walk with FiL. After lunch we went back out for a longer one - altogether I walked about 14 miles. On one of our walks I informed him that I hate him for being better than me at weight loss and we had a good talk about it all, which I hope will motivate me over the foreseeable future. Yesterday wasn't as good, I only walked about 6 miles and had to work for a couple of hours in the afternoon.
I did overindulge in both food and booze. Not enough for a hangover, but enough for an upset stomach this morning that combined with the weather to prevent an early morning walk.
At lunchtime I started out and turned back due to a combination of being starving (my lunch was in the office  and I don't shop hungry) and needing the loo rather urgently. It was rather disappointing until I decided to declare today a rest day after a week of lots of walking. So no after work walk either. Except for a quick pop to the shop for my bounty.

Friday, 17 July 2015

It's Friday!!!

I worked from home today and spent a lot of the time standing up with my laptop balanced on various surfaces. Words can't express how much I wish I worked in an office with adjustable desks or a standing desk area - feels so much better than sitting down all day.
I went for a walk at lunchtime of course - a shopping trip to pick up some last minute bits and bobs for my FiL's visit. It had been dingy and drizzling all morning but managed to dry out and warm up for me by the time I needed it to. I'd missed my morning walk due to housework that we couldn't be bothered to do yesterday evening. And my FiL didn't fancy a walk on arrival so I missed that one too :-(

Food today:
Breakfast: scrambled eggs
Lunch: cheese and sausage plate
Dinner: Takeaway tandoori platter
Snacks: cheese

Thursday, 16 July 2015

Protein & fat

 I'm feeling not just fat but bloated as well today, possibly exacerbated by wearing some spanx underwear - my neurotic brain always assumes that if my clothes, even my underclothes, are tight I've gained weight - I suppose there is some logic in that if you ignore the existence of spanx. So I decided to have a one day meat, eggs and cheese day - just one day isn't enough to make me crazy again, and tomorrow My father in law is visiting so I know I won't be tempted to extend beyond one day. He's arriving around 5 pm tomorrow and leaving Sunday morning (travelling from South Wales to Berkshire on a motorcycle is apparently quite uncomfortable unless you allow lots of time, take plenty of breaks, and allow your ass to recover before hitting the road again)  It's possible his impending visit has contributed to my recent depression a little. You see in the past he and I have had a shared interest in weight loss and exercise. He went off the rails before me - but a while back he decided to get things under control again and while I've been yo yoing around within a 5lb range he's lots all his excess weight and is currently lighter than I am.  And he's a man, and taller than me, and older than me. My only glimmer of reassurance is that he is retired so has unlimited time for exercise, and hasn't got a stubbornly dodgy back. I sound horribly envious I know, but I don't feel that I want him to be struggling like me, it's just that it makes me feel inadequate when everyone else is losing and I'm still in weight loss limbo... We only planned this visit last weekend and frankly if I had thought I'd lose enough weight I would have been tempted to just not eat all week. I guess that may help to explain why my motivation has been up and down all week and I haven't dared step on the scales... Happily we've agreed to fit in a walk on Saturday (after my 10am doctor's appointment) and possibly tomorrow evening just to shake out the kinks from his long motorbike ride. I know I can and do walk lots alone but you know I prefer having company  - even skinny bastard company.
Speaking of walking, between a pre-work walk, a lunchtime walk and a post-work stroll I got over 7 miles in today. I have to say though that squeezing in the pre-work walk is starting to feel like a chore so I'm not sure how sustainable that will be long term.

Food today:
Breakfast: scrambled eggs
Lunch: egg mayo with smoked sausage
Dinner: cheese and sausage omelette
Snacks: cheese

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Busy busy busy

I didn't have quite such a clean eating day again today but stayed gluten and binge free so it could have been worse.
I tried to walk before work but the rain dissuaded me again; I did manage it at lunchtime and after work for a total of just under 6 miles though, so that was OK. Apart from that I had a busy day, closed off lots of bugs (also raised 2 more)
And that's about it really. My back, which had been improving all week, flared up a bit today though still not as bad as it was. I think it's helped that most of my recent walks have not included carrying any bags of shopping, even in the rucksack. Hopefully tomorrow it will feel better again.
My mood has been better today, I think probably because I was too busy to wallow in depression. Note to self: why are you always saying you feel better for exercising and keeping busy yet as soon as the depression hits you try to put yourself in solitary confinement /hibernation? You know it doesn't help...

Food today:
Breakfast: scrambled eggs
Lunch: egg rolls (I bought some gf bread rolls from waitrose) and some vegetable crisps because they were reduced
Dinner: cheese and salad plate - tomato, celery, kimchi, cucumber etc
Snacks: small jar of cockles; melon with sugar free jelly

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Struggling out from under

My food has gone better today, which is good considering that I'm feeling so fat still. I appreciate what you said about feeling fat not always being fat Diane, but sadly this was brought on by some clothes not fitting the way they used to so my head agrees with you but my depressed knee jerk heart and body are lagging behind a bit...
I managed to walk nearly 3 miles at lunchtime despite the depressing British summer weather and then went back out after work to get at least my 10,000 steps in (walking round in circles if I'm honest - which very neatly reflects how my life feels at the moment.  But I managed 14000+ steps by doing that, almost 7 miles (and 2 massive blisters on the ball of my left foot))
I forgot to mention in yesterday's post that after work I got my hair cut - which briefly made me feel better about myself and spurred me on to try eye brow threading for the first time. I mostly ignore my eye brows, they're naturally shaped quite well if a little thicker than I want, but the one time I tried waxing it produced a nasty redness and bumpiness that I didn't want to repeat, and tweaking them is just as bad, so I just let them do their thing till yesterday. OMG how did that 'treatment' escape the torture chamber and make its way into the salon??? Never again unless I've been bad and feel like punishing myself. Ouch ouch ouch. Although the result isn't bad and my face didn't break out in disgust. Just tears of pain. On both my walks today I left my purse behind - so I couldn't buy any binge foods - as well as my rucksack, and it felt good to just walk without errands even if it was horribly humid. I do think I'm starting to feel decidedly better, and a lot of that is down to the lovely supportive comments I've had, so thank you very, very much...

Food today:
Breakfast: bratwurst sautéed with peppers and sauerkraut
Lunch: curried beef soup
Dinner: Pork & kimchi fried Cauliflower rice
Snacks: whey protein (chocolate) mixed with double cream to give 'cookie dough' or 'cake batter' effect

Monday, 13 July 2015

Update

Over the weekend I didn't binge. I walked 10 miles Saturday and only 3 on Sunday because the weather was miserable. I ate some things I shouldn't and drank some booze but didn't reach the point of self loathing.
Today however I operate more - still not really a binge - and only walked 10,000 steps even though I went out before work, lunchtime, and after work. My moods were also variable. On Friday when I felt I was at a low point I may have had a very short cry know the ladies and that didn't happen at the weekend or today, but I was snappy and irritable and just a total joy to be around. I was also knackered - and still am after 2 terrible nights and one merely average one.
Today I'm not exactly suicidal but I do feel very flat and unenthusiastic and just pretty much uninterested in life. And fat, primarily and totally fat.

Friday, 10 July 2015

Day 0/0

Apologies for my pitiful maunderings earlier (I don't know if that's a word, but I think it fits)
I have decided to wait and restart the whole30 when I'm not in this incredibly negative headspace - it's just not possible (for me) to approach the restrictions with a positive attitude when wishing a meteorite / building / vehicle would fall on my head and put me out of my misery. I'm not planning weeks of unrestrained gorging (though after last weekend I can't deny the risk) but I miss butter, and cheese, and cream... Many other things too. And that isn't helping me get over the mental downward spiral I'm currently in (I sound exactly like someone who plans to gorge for weeks don't I? Probably on cheese, spread with butter, dunked in cream... Although... Yuck) I thought when I decided to start it that the discipline was exactly what I needed following my disastrous weekend last week, but I'm afraid now that it was just too much to ask.
I have also made a start on looking after myself in that I've finally made an appointment to see the doctor about my back. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't, but I feel like maybe being depressed was feeding my reluctance (I don't deserve to stop being in pain...) while I am very sure that being pain has (and is) fed my depression. Sadly the first appointment I could get outside office hours is over a week away, and if necessary I am prepared to wfh and try for an earlier appointment as and when. I also made an overdue appointment to get my hair cut on Monday. Last weekend I was due to get it done and just couldn't bring myself to give a damn.
So maybe splattering the Internet with my miserableness did do me some good (I KNOW Diane and Rachel's comments did - thanks guys!)
I walked at lunchtime even though I had no walking buddy and didn't feel like it. I have to admit I read a book the whole way - I know I wasn't really 'present' but at the moment, with all the wallowing, I'd rather do it - without dwelling on anything - than not do it, even if I looked like a loony. I did the same thing after work - to get 10000 steps in.
I confess this evening I drank some vodka in a medicinal form as well. But I've gone from wanting to die to just wanting to start walking and never stop, so that's something....

Food today:
Breakfast: Scrambled eggs with mushrooms and leek
Lunch: egg, bacon, avocado salad
Dinner: salmon fillet baked with a topping of pesto mayo with roasted asparagus
Snacks: chocolate bar - just the one (and it was indeed GOOD); pork scratchings

So depressed

I'm unbelievably depressed today and don't know why. Wishing I was dead, wondering why I got out of bed this morning... I hoped writing this would get it out of my system but it just underlines the fact that I have no real reason or justification for feeling this way and that makes it worse because I'm pathetically self pityingly sucky. All I want to do is go home, get into bed, and stay there, alone, for the rest of my life. Instead of which I'm in the office and can't even hunker down in miserable silence because I have to talk to people and worst of all, demo some software for people.
Inside my head I'm using language I can't bring myself to write for anyone else to see.

Thursday, 9 July 2015

Day 4/30

(Clearly I decided not to start again over the sugar coated painkillers.)
I worked from home today so the plumber could fit the new toilet. It sounded easy and we expected it to be a fairly short job, but eventually involved tiling when he discovered that last time the bathroom was tiled they didn't tile behind the cistern but only up to the edge. As the new one is smaller there would have been a ridiculous gap. Thanks to that extra job he arrived at 9:30 and left after 1pm.
Because I knew he wouldn't come before 9 I went for a walk in the morning before starting work. I also walked after work - didn't get out at lunchtime because the plumber was still here and I couldn't leave. And this evening I donated blood - which I have been meaning to do for ages. So I'm pleased about that.
Between my long and shorter walks I managed almost 7 miles even though I felt trapped in hell all morning listening to hammering and other loud plumberish noises.

Food today:
Breakfast: Steak and eggs with mushrooms and leek
Lunch: sausage patties, salad and half a portion of homemade broccoli soup
Dinner: beef rogan josh
Snacks: half an avocado, nuts and a little cold meat, also some raspberries. I realise the no snacking thing didn't work out today...

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Detox day 3/30

Foodwise I'm feeling a bit better, back pain unchanged - to the degree that I've decided to make a doctors appointment next week (has to be after work and I was busy then today and will be tomorrow - although I could try for Friday). I know you're probably thinking well duh, but generally I've achieved very little by going to the doctor over the years of intermittent back problems so I can't help being reluctant. I'm going to ask for a referral to a physiotherapist. Or a chiropractor or whatever seems appropriate.
Anyway. I was doing OK with the detox today, or so I thought, when I realised I'd made a mistake. Whole30 bans all forms of sugar and sweeteners - and that's been fine in terms of food and drink - but what I never thought about was the painkiller caplets I've been taking, and their damned sugar coated easy to take-ness. Both the Paracetamol and the ibuprofen. Not the solpadeine, but I'm not sure codeine would get the go ahead anyway. So I bought some capsules at lunchtime with no sugar in sight, and decided that as I wasn't taking the pills for pleasure, or tempted to OD on them (well, there was one point yesterday but that was back pain related not due to the sugar) I'm not starting over. That might invalidate the whole thing but it was only 2.5 days taking one or two doses of each per day - not exactly a capital offence, right? Right? I mean they say there's no room for wriggling or manoeuvring in the rules, but how much sugar could there be, really? And I didn't buy them on purpose for a sugar fix, I just generally buy that formulation because I've always found them easier to swallow. Not any more though...

Food today:
Breakfast: fried eggs with homemade sausage, leek and mushrooms
Lunch: Salad with hardboiled eggs
Dinner: Mexican chicken stir fry
Snacks: a couple of teaspoons of avocado and a few small slices of cold meat.

Tuesday, 7 July 2015

Detox day 2 /30

Losing the will to live.
It rained this morning. Matched my miserable mood rather well... I had the opportunity to risk getting wet going for a walk at lunchtime but decided against it as I felt it was quite possible I'd walk a mile, buy 1704567 calories' worth of crap, walk back and eat the lot. So I stayed back but went out to sit in my car through lunch so I'd have some lumbar support for an hour. Then came back in when I realised I was in danger of falling asleep with my mouth open and being laughed at forever more...
After depriving myself of my walk, the only good thing about the working day, I feel particularly indignant and injured that someone brought cake in and I still had to use my dwindling supply of self control to resist indulging. I managed, but still... I'm struggling a bit to gauge the right sized breakfast and lunch to avoid snacking as advised on whole30. Yesterday was relatively easy thanks to left over hangover symptoms but today I kind of blew it - or underestimated my state of depression - and it was damned hard work. And my own fault, given that I'd intended to take something in case I needed it, but forgot to pack anything.
Anyhow, whatever the reason I was hungry all day, ate both lunch and dinner early, and needed a snack for supper. But at least I only ate the foods acceptable on the whole30, didn't binge - even on those acceptable foods - and remarkably managed not to let my inner bitch out (even though she was thumping and kicking on the door screaming to be released)

Food today:
Breakfast: scrambled eggs with tomatoes, leek and mushrooms
Lunch: homemade sausage soup
Dinner: Roast chicken leg with pesto zoodles & a side salad
Snacks: hardboiled egg with a tiny bit of mayo

Monday, 6 July 2015

Give me strength...

I'm a moron.
On Friday I decided that starting the whole 30 on a Friday was a bad idea (that it would be harder than it needed to be) so I would start today and just be fairly normal over the weekend.
Well, I did start today - but if the stuff I ate over the weekend was normal for me I'd be dead or super morbidly obese with type 2 diabetes and any other health problems you can think of. I binged for 2 days running for the second time. I was actively being self destructive too - looking for things that I knew wouldn't make me feel good. And I topped it off with too much booze yesterday so I started today hungover.
You've probably gathered that I've been kind of down for a while even by my standards and I'm not good at looking after myself properly at those times - but this definitely qualified as punishing myself /inflicting pain on myself and I really am not sure why I went there. Any how, at midnight I was taking painkillers to stop the hangover fairy from drilling a hole in my skull and at 1:15 I was throwing up. Which was horrible but probably for the best as I only felt mildly hungover instead of 'kill me now' hungover when I got up 20 minutes late this morning after sleeping through my alarm for literally the first time in my life.
So the detox started at breakfast time and will continue for 30 days minimum - possibly longer because I seem to be a slow learner.
Not all the weekend was bad by the way. On Saturday I went for a very enjoyable walk around 7am before it got too hot and because it was cool, was able to walk 14 miles (actually about 10 or 11 early then a second shorter walk later on). Yesterday I walked about 9 miles. Both were exploring new places which kept things interesting. It's possible that I didn't fuel properly and that fuelled the binges - like I said, slow learner. Hopefully next weekend I'll keep the activity up without the idiocy.
Work today was a blend of tedium and back pain; I did walk at lunchtime and that was as always the best hour of the working day even though I felt very slightly nauseous a couple of times and had sore calves a few times - toxin build up in the body maybe? What matters though is that I behaved myself today - all day, even through that period while alone in the kitchen when I'm often tempted to nibble. And the fact that this was less due to self-control than to the memory of 1:15 this morning isn't relevant.
So are you sick of me posting that I'm a binging moron yet? Yeah, me too. Fingers crossed that I won't be doing so again for a good long time...

Food today:
Breakfast: scrambled eggs
Lunch: homemade oxtail soup
Dinner: Pork Bolognese with zoodles & a side salad
Snacks: half an avocado

Friday, 3 July 2015

Out of order

I worked from home today as planned so my back was slightly happier - I switched between lying on the bed, standing up, and sitting on a laz-e-boy chair with the massage function on, none of which are available at the office, but I ended the day with a completely non functional toilet. Luckily there is a tiny cloakroom. The plumber arrived at 9:30, made 2 trips to a hardware supply store, and stayed 2 hours, yet the loo is now cracked, non flushing and leaking. Sigh. At least since its a rental it's not my cost.
I walked before work, during lunch, and very briefly after work for a total of 6.8 miles. The early walk was very pleasant as it was relatively cool, the others were too warm and sticky really. Apart from that...  eh, there is no apart from that.
Except it's Friday!!!  Yay!!!

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with pate, courgette and pepper
Lunch: eggs poached in pork mince, 5 spice powder, veg and bone broth
Dinner: egg curry
Snacks: pistachio nuts

Thursday, 2 July 2015

Some good news!

Supposedly it's cooler today but it still fits into the too damn hot range on my thermometer.
I worked from home this morning (as you know if you stopped by yesterday) ready for my trip to the hospital this afternoon. And as I was already working from home I took the opportunity to also get our letting agents call out a plumber to deal with an issue in our rental house. Between 9 and 12 I was told - 3 guesses if he showed up? So guess who's going to need to work from home again tomorrow morning? Sigh.
I managed to find a way to work standing up for a couple of hours this morning by balancing my laptop on the back of a chair. It wasn't the perfect height but it was close - and that was the most comfortable I've felt while working for 3 or 4 weeks now. I guess I'll be trying that again tomorrow.
I headed out for the train around 1:30 and roughly the minute I left the house - well, actually, at the point where I no longer had time to go back for my umbrella without missing my train - it started raining. Just a very light shower luckily, and quite refreshing.
I got to the hospital stupidly early as always (I swear they check the train times before booking my appointments to guarantee I always arrive at least 20 minutes early) and then...  Of course...  The waiting began.
Actually although it felt like an age - because of the agonising back pain from the only chairs more uncomfortable than those in my office,  combined with the sunlight hitting my helpless dilated pupils - I only waited an hour past my appointment time on this visit, and as I was told that some of the delay was down to an emergency operation I don't find that as annoying as usual. I had a vision check, drops, a pressure check, a scan... and I'm happy to say that they confirmed what I knew, that the injection is helping!  He showed me a before and after picture of my retina and it was positively striking how the swelling had gone down! And happily without increasing the pressure in the eye either - it was the same as the other eye, and firmly in the normal range.

Food today:
Breakfast: scrambled eggs with pate, red onion and tomato
Lunch:egg mayo with avocado
Dinner: a kebab, no Bread but I confess I had garlic mayo on it and a few chips with it - I was feeling a bit emotional. I think tomorrow I will start another whole 30 by way of a detox
Snacks: pistachio nuts

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Sweltering

22 degrees at 6:20 AM??? Good god. Actually it was lovely outside this morning - after I drove to work I sat in the sun instead of staying in the car and it was lovely. The problem was indoors, where yesterday's heat was still trapped and I felt in need of a shower as soon as I got out of the shower...
At lunchtime I persisted in going out for a walk despite the heat. I thought I'd come prepared by bringing a second t-shirt and a pair of shorts to change into - however I should have also brought a second bra and some Deodorant possibly. I did have a wash when I came back and changed. I walked about 3.5 miles along the Kennet and Avon canal and most of the way it was overcast though hot and humid; about a mile from the end the sun came out and it got even hotter. As always my back felt so much better while I walked that I really didn't want to stop even though I was walking alone. By the time I did go back my hair was wet too. According to the BBC the temperature hit 35 degrees as I left work. Sorry, that really is just uncivilised...  My car had to work its ass off to cool down the interior - and the steering wheel - to tolerable levels. Then when I got home - planning not to move outside the front door again today - I realised I needed to pop out to the shop down the road. I felt like I was swimming down the road it was so humid and heavy. I don't want rain tomorrow as I have to go to the hospital for my check up (6 miles of walking all told) but a bit cooler would be really nice. In fact, more than nice - the hospital is always baking hot so God only knows what it will be like when the weather's hot as well.
I've been feeling really quite down today and I've realised it's because I have been a bit sleep deprived the last couple of nights. I have a fan blowing on me all night which just about manages to slightly alleviate the suffering, but between back pain, heat, and the unaccustomed noise of the fan it's not surprising I don't seem to be sleeping very deeply or enjoying the full sleep cycle. Tonight I'm taking a Nytol because I want to be better rested for my appointment tomorrow (I'm trying not to take too many of them since my mum told me she'd read a story in the paper about it causing memory loss - thanks Mum :-(  ) At least I didn't binge - or even over eat - as I grumpily stomped and shuffled through the day.

Food today:
Breakfast: scrambled eggs with defrosted grilled vegetables mixed in - field mushroom, red onion, yellow pepper and a small amount of courgette.
Lunch: homemade onion soup
Dinner: Pork chop (chilli lime pork strips) with 'hash' of sautéed turnip, shallot, pepper and courgette
Snacks: bratwurst and cucumber slices