Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Rubbish

Rubbish day today.  Rubbish. Rubbish rubbish. 
I woke up feeling miserable and stayed that way. I had a headache most of the morning, and spent my time feeling stupid and overwhelmed because I have a couple of relatively technical testing tasks to do (usually I'm a business oriented tester, I try to work the way real users would use the system without needing an indepth understanding of the workings of the system) and I'm not sure how good a job I'll be able to do of it.  Which is depressing and an uncomfortable feeling. 
I actually found myself wishing that I wanted to binge. Which is weird even for me given the self loathing that follows a binge. But I didn't want to, so I didn't. I think I felt that if I was in binge mode I could have some hope that giving into it might fix my mood (even though intellectually I know better than that) whereas not having the desire to binge feels like accepting I can't make myself feel better. Or something.  My brain is a weird and scary place. 


Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  potato & mushrooms 
Lunch: ham salad 
Dinner: chicken thighs with stir fry veg 
Snacks: yogurt, cashews

3 comments:

  1. Stick with it!!! it should come right in the end. However antidepressants are not happy pills they just stop the worst of the symptoms.

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  2. Hmmm, I know exactly what you mean when you say "my brain is a weird and scary place" as mine can be too. I often wonder why I'm wired the way I seem to be and think I'm my own worst enemy... though I know the Black Dog has some input to that feeling! Just hang in there and keep doing the good stuff you're already doing.
    (don't believe me? re-review yesterday's food = great!)

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