Friday, 31 October 2014

Day 3 of back to basics

I trained again this morning, getting up at 4:30 to be sure I had the time before work.  It went well, 
I felt good and sweated profusely. And felt far more awake at the time,  although that wore off by mid morning. 
Shortly after I got to work I turned round to talk to someone, and felt like I'd been knifed in the back. I took painkillers straight away and I'm hoping it was just a slight twist that will go away quickly. To encourage it I took things very easy at lunchtime. Then walked a mere 1.5 miles after work (in the dark :-( I miss the summer evenings) It doesn't feel too bad right now so fingers crossed... 
There was an accident on the M4 again this afternoon and on the Web it looked like it was causing chaos - but in the end it only added 10 minutes to my normal travel time,  plus an hour of stress while I tried to decide whether to suffer through it or seek an alternative route. I need to work from home permanently (though then I'd die or boredom instead of stress) It's no good,  the lottery win remains the ideal solution.  Or it would if I actually bought a ticket ever.

Day 3:
Food - success. 
Booze - success.  Although I slightly wish I'd finished the 2 bottles of beer in my cupboard before I started doing this. And I have to say it's harder on a weekend evening. 
Exercise - success!!!

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with leek & tomatoes,  with a tiny bit of bacon 
Lunch: Salad with cold roast gammon followed by a pear 
Dinner: lamb's liver,  onions and green beans 
Snacks: cashews & cold meat

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Day 2 of back to basics

Are you sitting down,  holding on and prepared for a shock? This morning (drum roll please)  I trained!!!
It's been a couple of months so I didn't push myself too hard particularly as I didn't get to bed till 11:30 last night,  woke up around 4 and got up at 5:15. I was working from home so I didn't have to waste half an hour driving to the office and I was too sleepy to come up with any excuses not to train,  and by working out to an episode of Criminal Minds I managed a full 40 minutes - so I may not have completely lost any strength & fitness I used to have. 
At lunchtime I walked a couple of miles as well - so I am now officially exhausted and about to have a very early night.  But first... 
Day 2:
Food - partial success.  I'm fine with everything I ate,  but I overindulged slightly with the pork rinds; however I think that was down to increased appetite from increased activity 
Booze - success
Exercise - massive success!!!

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with leek & tomatoes,  with a tiny but of gammon 
Lunch: homemade soup (yesterday's  vegetable soup with a little added gammon) 
Dinner: a homemade lamb & cumin burger in a red pepper 'bun' with slices of roasted sweet potato and some sauerkraut 
Snacks: cashews & some homemade Pork rinds

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Back to basics

The plan:
1) gluten free
2) low carb - especially no sweet stuff 
3) unprocessed food
4) no booze
5) legume free 
6) grain free (goodbye again rice) 
7) no artificial sweeteners (I've been drinking soft drinks again lately - diet only) 
8) more exercise - especially when feeling depressed 
9) less snacking 
10) less using my medication as an excuse for unproductive behaviours

That will do for now - dairy will probably go too,  but I'm not too worried about that as I've never noticed having problems with it.

Putting it in writing it doesn't look that hard...  Fairly obviously I find it harder to act on this stuff and, more importantly, to keep on doing so. I used to manage though, so it can't be beyond the realms of possibility that I can get back into it, can it?

DAY 1: 
Success on the food front 
Success on the booze front 
Fail on the exercise front - I was still working out the above list when I should have been getting up & training this morning. And at lunchtime I allowed the dodgy weather and the need to collect my prescription (with 15 minute wait) persuade me not to walk

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with leek & yellow and green pepper 
Lunch: homemade soup (vegetable soup but made with meat stock) 
Dinner: tuna salad 
Snacks: cashews & some cold cooked beef 

Bored with myself

I am so bored with telling you I'm really tired /depressed /binging,  so I can only imagine how bored you must be with reading it.  I might be tempted to write about feeling better and being happy but I don't want to lie about things here,  or there's no point posting at all.
So yesterday I wasn't depressed,  I even had the energy to walk about 3.5 miles through the day as I worked from home and had cable installed in the house during the morning. I got my antidepressants prescription renewed (can't believe it's been a month already - I'm sure I felt better by this point last time I took them) but by about 8pm when I would have been writing my post I was suddenly totally and completely wiped out - like being hit by a truck.  I turned the light out at 19:45 and didn't move again till 2:25 am. So that's why no post posted yesterday.
I overate  yesterday.  I ate gluten stuffed rubbish too.  I didn't actually sit down and binge,  which I suppose is something though not much comfort. I realised as I lay in bed at 2:30 this morning that I've been mostly  off any real healthy eating plan since my eye surgery  - a few brief attempts at getting back into the swing followed by falling off the wagon so hard I can hardly dig myself out of the mud.
No wonder I now have my second cold sore in a month and no energy.  Something has to change,  and it has to change now with a low carb reset to regain some control over myself - and hopefully reduce the current self-loathing I feel when I unavoidably have to look at myself.
Starting today.

Monday, 27 October 2014

Up down up...

I hated the world and all its inhabitants this morning. 
I was relatively cheerful first thing today, enjoying the only benefit of daylight saving - the short short time when driving in to work means dusk & sunrise and I'm not yet driving home in the dark. 
Then I got to work,  logged into my PC, and discovered that without prior notice or discussion with me,  my boss had volunteered me to work overtime tonight.  I'd already agreed to work overtime on Wednesday this week - just to be clear that's the extremely unsocial hours, way past my bedtime, 10 pm start overtime on both days. I may have over-reacted slightly,  spending half the morning stewing over it till the bile was oozing from every pore & orifice (lovely image that,  isn't it?).  Eventually the decision was made not to go ahead with the one tonight so I more or less instantly felt much better,  and when I popped out at lunchtime to experience the lovely warm sunshine that made me feel even better. 
I had a great weekend with my Dad & his wife visiting us.  We went out to dinner to the always wonderful Royal Oak in Paley Street - amazing food,  lovely booze,  excellent staff & service,  beautiful building... It's got it all.  My starter of barbecued squid & chorizo was incredible and I really want to eat it again.  And again.  And again... Followed by red mullet & John dory and then a marvellous brown butter panna cotta with chocolate mousse & banana ice cream. 
Sunday morning I had a mysterious headache for some reason, no idea why :-)  I was also oddly not very hungry until nearly lunchtime,  possibly because I ate so much the night before.  The full stomach,  mixed booze,  and stimulation of a dinner out meant I slept very little and was really lazy yesterday.  It's also possible that that fed into my rage this morning. Anyway. It didn't happen and hopefully won't in the future.

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon & mushroom scrambled eggs 
Lunch: beef salad, bag of crisps 
Dinner: chicken salad 
Snacks: cashews, Bounty 

Friday, 24 October 2014

Tired, anxious & miserable...

The last couple of days I've been rushed off my feet at work and knackered after a late night deployment on Wednesday - I worked from 10pm - 11:30 having been up since 4 am,  and then woke up at 4 Thursday morning.  Then the deployed software was pulled due to a problem (thankfully something I couldn't have found) so a) I wasted my Wednesday evening and b) it now needs redoing. And c) Until they worked out the nature of the problem I was convinced I'd be blamed and possibly sacked for it.  Then they discovered the cause and my anxiety shifted to having to test the next Live deployment. For a while it looked like that would happen tonight. Thank God, it isn't so... 
But all that means I'm completely knackered and lacking energy, plus grumpy & depressed. So while working from home yesterday I had a massive slice of cheesecake for lunch. I'm so predictable... 
Today I ate some junk food at lunch time but also walked 2.25 miles. Baby steps... I actually planned to get in another couple of miles after work but failed - or rather the M4 failed me.  After taking nearly 3 times as long to get home as I usually do I'd lost time, 
energy  and motivation...

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon & mushroom scrambled eggs 
Lunch: homemade soup,  bag of crisps 
Snacks: cashews, Bounty 

Tuesday, 21 October 2014


I had a strange experience last night...  I think it was a strangely vivid dream that had a strong effect on me at the time, and I'm guessing it's down to the medication as I rarely even remember my dreams. I think I read somewhere that it can be a side effect (unless I imagined that). Anyway the dream wasn't particularly interesting.  I slowly dry fried some bacon yesterday evening for this morning's breakfast, and later I dreamt that I had forgotten to turn off the hob when it was done and I'd left the pan over the heat.  I woke up around midnight absolutely convinced that was the case,  (even though I would certainly have been able to smell it if that had been true after 6 more hours of heating). I could quite literally feel and hear my heart pounding away far faster than usual,  and it wouldn't calm down until I went downstairs and checked the hob.  Once I saw for sure that I wasn't in the process of burning the house down I was able to calm down straight away and fell asleep again really quickly.  I know that's a really boring story but the thing is, even on the rare occasions that I remember dreams, and they're upsetting, I have never had any physical reaction on waking up,  or felt anything than I would watching a TV show -  prior to last night.  Weird. Hopefully a one off. 
Today was very frustrating at work but not as miserable as yesterday and I avoided a repeat of yesterday's binge behaviour but was possibly punished for the bingeing with an upset stomach for most of the day.  I'm still not very comfortable now. Seems a little unfair considering that unlike most of my past binges I managed to persuade myself to stay gluten free.  As a result of the stomach issues I didn't even go out at lunchtime,  and the only exercise I got was a lot of trips to the bathroom.  A lot.  And silent internal screaming in frustration.  That's work for you. Well for me anyway. 
Thankfully the M4 was kind to me and the weather,  though awful most of the day,  wasn't quite as bad for most of my journey in or home.  If I'd been stuck like I was several times last week I might have exploded to death. 

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon sandwich 
Lunch: homemade soup 
Dinner: Meatzza - turkey 'crust'  topped with broccoli, a tiny bit of prosciutto,  red onion & mozzarella cheese 
Snacks: cashews, bag of sainsburys potato snacks 

Monday, 20 October 2014

The return of the binge monster

I had a good weekend,  thoroughly enjoyed visiting my Mum and also seeing my brother,  I was quite active,  not all of it voluntary as several trains home were cancelled and my brother  and I walked a couple of extra miles killing time until they started running again.  I also enjoyed yesterday - though I was tired all day I was also cheerful,  bordering on slightly hyper.  I didn't do much -  walked a couple of miles,  did laundry,  cooked a bit,  watched a bad movie  & lots of TV. 
Sadly good days are followed by less good days and today was no exception.

I binged today.

I don't feel great

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon leek & mushroom scrambled eggs & melon wedges 
Lunch: homemade soup 
Dinner: tuna, red onion & mayo toastie  (gf bread) 
Snacks: gf brownies,  wispa gold,  Bounty,  bag of salt &  vinegar crisps, cashews 

Friday, 17 October 2014


I slept like a baby last night - right through to about 4:30 without waking up once that I remember.  It was wonderful... I was still really tired all morning though,  I guess that's more about the pills than actual lack of sleep.  As a result I once again didn't do much all day -  no training or walking.  Luckily it's the weekend,  so I should be able to do something at least,  simply because I'll have all day without having to fit it in around work.  I'm visiting my Mum tomorrow - travelling by train - so that ensures at least a 2 mile walk round trip to the station. Can't wait... 
Apart from the tiredness I felt better today.  I had about the right level of work  during the day - enough to not be too bored,  not enough to feel pressured - and my drive home was nowhere near as bad as it has been.  I actually feel some optimism today... It feels good.

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon &  sausage sandwich - gf
Lunch: ham & salad followed by an apple 
Dinner: tuna, spinach, mushroom & leek risotto
 Snacks: yogurt with berries, cashews 

Thursday, 16 October 2014


I've been really tired all day today,  so I have nothing exciting to write about.  I worked...  Drank coffee... And yawned. I popped down the road...  Drank rooibos tea... And yawned.  Ate lunch...  And yawned.  At lunchtime I bought a bag of crisps because my knackeredness craved the crunch (and there were no Pork rinds in the shop)  and then had a 2pm slump that almost had me napping under my desk.  I'd had the chance to go out for lunch but was too busy to spare the time. And too tired.

Food today:
Breakfast: bacon roll 
Lunch: poached salmon & salad 
Dinner: tuna,  mushroom & leek omelette 
Snacks: yogurt with berries, packet of crisps 

Wednesday, 15 October 2014


Rubbish day today.  Rubbish. Rubbish rubbish. 
I woke up feeling miserable and stayed that way. I had a headache most of the morning, and spent my time feeling stupid and overwhelmed because I have a couple of relatively technical testing tasks to do (usually I'm a business oriented tester, I try to work the way real users would use the system without needing an indepth understanding of the workings of the system) and I'm not sure how good a job I'll be able to do of it.  Which is depressing and an uncomfortable feeling. 
I actually found myself wishing that I wanted to binge. Which is weird even for me given the self loathing that follows a binge. But I didn't want to, so I didn't. I think I felt that if I was in binge mode I could have some hope that giving into it might fix my mood (even though intellectually I know better than that) whereas not having the desire to binge feels like accepting I can't make myself feel better. Or something.  My brain is a weird and scary place. 

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  potato & mushrooms 
Lunch: ham salad 
Dinner: chicken thighs with stir fry veg 
Snacks: yogurt, cashews

Tuesday, 14 October 2014


I hate the fucking M4
Another day,  another traffic jam and another ridiculous journey home.  The roadworks responsible are due to carry on till JANUARY. 
Today my mood was a bit more stable - not as high as my recent highs,  but definitely not as low as recent lows either. I even had a little energy - fueled by frustration, but still energy is energy! At lunchtime I phoned BT to cancel our account (we're switching to cable) and it took 4 attempts (with lots of pacing endlessly around the office) to get what I wanted. By the end of my lunch break I had walked about a mile - all indoors,  where at least it was dry... It rained ALL DAY LONG here. I miss the summer.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  potato,  leek & a little leftover cooked cauliflower
Lunch: cheese sandwich in a gf roll
Dinner: beef salad 
Snacks: fruit, cashews

Monday, 13 October 2014


Most of the weekend I felt remarkably cheerful despite having no energy and no interest in cooking (that's standard at the moment,  I've eaten yoghurt for dinner and for lunch to avoid cooking a couple of times) I only walked a couple of miles each day which is obviously not much for me at the weekend,  and spent long periods of time lying on the sofa watching TV and movies (we saw Paul &  Gravity this weekend and thoroughly enjoyed both). 
Today I woke up at my usual highly annoying 3:30 am and was feeling down again - mainly I think at the prospect of Monday back in the office.  The hideous weather added to that feeling - torrential rain & high winds -  but I did make it into the office and didn't feel desperate to get out of there until 11am...
Someone brought Krispy Kreme doughnuts in today...  I may have mentioned once or twice how much I'm addicted to the evil bastard, well, not today,  I was completely untempted, though I can't comment as to whether that would have remained the case if there'd been any left by 10:30... I have to say I'm very pleased not to have been in binge mode at all since starting the medication. I don't know if it's actually suppressing my appetite or if subconsciously I was self medicating and don't feel the need know that I'm being medicated; I also don't know how long it will last but I will make the most of it while it does last. 
This evening my usual drive home of 27 minutes took an hour and a quarter thanks to a jam on the M4. Between the driving and being in the office all day (I didn't even go out at lunchtime) I was exhausted by the time I got home so we ordered a takeaway for dinner and I collapsed in front of the TV again.  I hope I get some energy back soon... 
I miss training...

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  potato,  leek & a little leftover cooked cauliflower
Lunch: ham sandwich in a gf roll
Dinner:  peri peri chicken &  chips 
Snacks: half a banana, cashews

Saturday, 11 October 2014

2 days of 2 halves

Yesterday I woke up miserable, worked from home again, had back ache and a lingering niggly low level headache all day...
Then took some medicinal whisky in the evening and felt much better. In fact cheerful.
This morning I had to drive in an unfamiliar area with M in the passenger seat and had what could be described as a meltdown when the sat nav tried to send me down a road that was closed for roadworks and couldn't bring itself to replan the route. I got nervous and flustered and slightly tearful and then I stopped the car and made M drive us the rest of the way. I'm going to put that little attack down to the pills rather than my own weirdness...
And now I'm cheerful again. Mood swings anyone?

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Moan moan moaning

Not a great day today.  Despite my comment yesterday,  I woke up with back pain again today  -  and also a very dark mood.  I worked from home today; my back was my excuse but the real reason was that I absolutely could not face being around people all day,  especially when I would have had to behave all professional-like with no scope for crying or audibly swearing &  kicking things. 
Instead I lay on the sofa working on my laptop and intermittently playing episodes of The Walking Dead in the background so that the slaughter of zombies could take my mind of how depressed I was. I didn't move further than the drive all day (mind you, the weather wasn't at all attractive any way) 
After work M suggested going to Wetherspoons for curry night but I still couldn't face being around other people so that didn't happen...

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon &  kidney
Lunch: cold meat & cheese 
Dinner:  bolognese sauce on courgette noodles 
Snacks: dates, Greek yogurt with defrosted summer berries 

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Fuzzy .. .

I've had fuzzy brain syndrome the last few days.  I thought to start with I was just tired due to being such an insomniac,  but I'm now thinking it might also have something to do with the mind altering drugs I'm taking - after all,  they are designed to cross the blood brain barrier and work directly on the brain's communication systems. I know that they are acknowledged to take between 2 weeks & 2 months to become fully effective against depression but I figure that's to do with building up therapeutic levels in the brain,  in which case presumably there might be other effects experienced at sub-therapeutic levels. Which is helpful - almost as helpful as giving a chronically depressed person something that can cause suicidal feelings & thoughts during that first phase (it isn't in my case,  but I know that it's a recognised side effect)
Anyhow at least I can tell the drug is a real drug... 
No exercise today due to fuzzy brain combined with heavy rain.  Plus continued backache,  though it feels like it's nearly better.  Food pretty good - no chocolate today,  100% gluten & grain free.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon 
Lunch: Salad with mixed cold meats (finishing off odds & ends) 
Dinner: baked chicken breast & oven chips with sauerkraut 
Snacks: banana, cashews 

Tuesday, 7 October 2014


Mixed day today.  On the one hand I felt quite cheerful some of the time ; on the other hand I spent my Lunch break sitting on my ass in the office and bought a Bounty (I'd forgotten to grab a real snack to take to work)  On the other other hand I made up for not walking at lunchtime by doing a brisk 2 miles after work - and was rewarded with a rainbow.
All in all...  Can citalopram turn a depressive person bipolar?

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs salad with yellow pepper,  spring onions & homemade mayo 
Lunch: soup &  a Bounty 
Dinner: Pork cheek so slow cooked in cider &  chicken stock over courgette noodles 
Snacks: dried mango,  cashews 

Monday, 6 October 2014

24 miles in 2 days...

The weekend was very active as predicted  - despite the rain on Saturday I walked 11 miles in total,  and 13+ on Sunday around London in lovely sunshine.  I felt a lot better too, with the exercise & the distraction.  On Sunday we caught the train to Paddington then walked to the Natural History museum to see the dinosaurs (we last saw them together in 1988 according to my brother,  on a day trip to London with my Dad).  The exhibition was good,  but so crowded with Sunday morning families we just did that, then had burgers in the restaurant before walking through Chelsea to the river,  then walking along the Thames Path through Battersea Park, and all the way to Waterloo.  It was lovely apart from an upset when we happened on an accident - a cyclist-car collision.  Luckily there were lots of people around to help,  and as neither of us has any medical training we didn't join the throng of people surrounding them. 
We walked through Lambeth,  which isn't an area we are familiar with,  and happened upon Lambeth Palace which was a pleasant surprise.  All in all it was the best weekend I've had for weeks and would have been even better if only I'd managed to sleep better.  One of the side effects of the antidepressants I'm on is insomnia - not the best news for me! I hope I do better tonight,  it's getting old...

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon & mushrooms 
Lunch: beef salad followed by yoghurt &  banana 
Dinner: Cod wrapped in Parma ham and broccoli
Snacks: packet of crisps, cashews 

Friday, 3 October 2014

Now taking care of myself

I collected my prescription this lunchtime and started my course this evening.  Of course it could be anything from 2 weeks to 2 months for it to kick in properly  -  a depressing thought.  I also had to go to the post office,  so between the two I had no time for a proper walk at lunchtime.  
The office was positively infested with gluten today -  pastries & cookies all day and the addition of scones after lunch.  Have I ever mentioned that I store fruit scones so long as they have genuine clotted cream on them (not the crappy fresh cream the supermarkets tend to stick on them) - and there was clotted cream...  I resisted all of it - or to be accurate I didn't really fancy any of it.  I was grateful that didn't happen last week,  when I would probably have polished off the whole lot.  I did however dip a few strawberries in the clotted cream -  but I'm still patting myself on the back.  At this point the only sweet food I've eaten since Sunday has been fruit (some of it dried,  but still fruit)  and as generally happens,  not eating it makes it easier to not eat it...  Hopefully that will last long enough to make a difference to the frankly appalling numbers displayed on the scale whenever I'm foolish enough to step on it... 
I walked a couple of miles after work,  not much but something.  My brother is visiting tomorrow and that always means lots of walking so it should be an active weekend!

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon & mushrooms 
Lunch: ham salad 
Dinner: beef burgers  (homemade)  on a gf  ciabatta roll with oven baked homemade chips  and  dry fried mushrooms 
Snacks: Greek yogurt, cashews 

Thursday, 2 October 2014


Crying in the ladies room 😢😭
That's how I spent part of this morning.  That and getting tearful every time a colleague casually asked how I was.  No particular reason other than weight and money concerns, but for whatever reason today they seem bigger problems than usual. Anyway, getting tearful at work is new...  So I made an appointment to see the doctor after work so I could ask for a prescription for antidepressants, and once I get it filled tomorrow I'll be back to being medicated again... I do know it's necessary -  I can't carry on like this - but I'm not happy about it,  in fact feeling like something of a failure in this respect is contributing to the overall depression today I think. I thought & hoped the need was behind me now,  but I guess I was being uncharacteristically optimistic. On the other hand,  I do feel a little relief that I'm doing something about it. Feel free to say you told me so ☺

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  leek &  mushrooms 
Lunch: ham salad sandwich (gf ciabatta roll) 
Dinner: tuna & tomato risotto
Snacks: Greek yogurt, dried fruit 

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Struggling on

Thanks for your support Joy,  Diane,  and Deniz  - it does help to hear that you don't think I'm just some whiny baby. Especially when I'm struggling to force myself out of bed.  
I had to go out at lunchtime today for my 2 miles walk (round trip) to Sainsburys. The weather was quite warm and sunny again and I did sort of wish I'd had the chance to go to the canal or the lake instead - less roadside walking and more greenery & nature.  My back was a bit painful on the way back even though I wasn't carrying anything heavy but considering I spent most of the day sitting in the world's most uncomfortable office chair it wasn't too bad  - I think it's improving and hopefully I'll be able to do more soon. As far as mood goes I mostly just felt incredibly apathetic all day.  It was a real struggle to focus on work and if I'd had a choice I probably wouldn't have gone out at lunch either.  I suppose there's something to be said for no choice then...  Weirdly I wasn't particularly interested in food for most of the day and pretty much just ate as planned at the normal times by rote (if it's possible to eat by rote).  At least there was no urge to binge...

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  leek &  mushrooms 
Lunch: turkey salad and a melon snack pack 
Dinner: chicken thighs (2 small)  with sauerkraut & a baked sweet potato 
Snacks: Greek yogurt,  cashews & dates