Monday, 29 September 2014

Pathetic

Well, I'm busy disappearing up my own ass again... I have no real justification for feeling the way I do but I'm depressed, miserable, spent the weekend abusing sugar and wheat so bloated and piggy, and I've pulled / twisted / otherwise hurt my back while scrubbing my kitchen floor so I can't even train myself halfway human.
I haven't done anything about it yet but I'm seriously considering asking for another prescription for antidepressants. It makes me feel like a total failure when I do when I have no great life problem to 'justify' it - even though I do actually believe that that it's caused by a chemical unbalance rather than being too weak to 'just get over myself'. Anyhow, even if it is just weakness clearly I am that weak, and even if I don't have the courage / rage to actively try to self harm deliberately chosing to binge on a foodstuff that messes up my gut still qualifies as self-destructive behaviour, so I'm working up to asking for help... knowing me it will take weeks yet and in the meantime I'll probably post nothing but misery and moaning so I'll understand if everyone bails out and leaves me to stew in my own self pity...

Food today:
Breakfast: Greek yogurt
Lunch: sausage & sauerkraut soup
Dinner: chicken salad 
Snacks: cashews

3 comments:

  1. You don't need a justification for being depressed it is a disease. It is nothing to with weakness or strength it is to do with chemistry or things beyond your control so dont beat yourself up. Just get on and get yourself sorted out with a prescription.

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  2. I'm with Diane 100% of the way here - Chrissie, this is NOT a fault in you, nor a weakness, nor anything else and you do not need a 'great life problem' to happen for the sneaky 'bar steward' which is depression to catch you unawares. The beggar still sometimes gets me when I'm least expecting it.

    Try to take care of the YOU floundering under the blanket of depression, and get whatever help is needed to move back into the sunshine of life (it is out there - just a bit obscured at the moment). I send Zen hugs which is about all I can do - but I do honestly wish you well too and hope this is a short-lived hitch.

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