Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Crawling out from under?

After being tortured by my office chair yesterday all day I stayed home to work today. I actually felt better this morning than I have for days, maybe weeks (apart from the purely physical pain in my back) - less tired, less unable to see any point in carrying on when nothing's ever going to get better - just less depressed. I don't know if that's a sign that I weathered the storm, and I kind of doubt it to be honest, it's probably more likely just a temporary easing off - but I'll take it anyway. Compared to wanting to be dead it's a massive improvement any way you look at it. 
I did have to go out at lunchtime to send off a parcel - something I sold as part of the decluttering - and that didn't seem to make my back very happy at all, although the rest of me was glad to get out. Especially as the weather was amazing again - makes you wonder what's going on, isn't it October tomorrow?
Oh yeah, food went ok today. Maybe that's why I felt better - two days in a row of not being disgusted at my own lack of willpower after how ever many of being a monster pig... If I could just keep it up for long enough to lose  some weight I might actually find some self respect / self esteem.
Probably not though.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, mushrooms & leek
Lunch: homemade tuna-dill-jalapeno mayo salad with an avocado
Dinner: burger in gluten free bun with salad
Snacks: Greek yogurt.

Monday, 29 September 2014


Well, I'm busy disappearing up my own ass again... I have no real justification for feeling the way I do but I'm depressed, miserable, spent the weekend abusing sugar and wheat so bloated and piggy, and I've pulled / twisted / otherwise hurt my back while scrubbing my kitchen floor so I can't even train myself halfway human.
I haven't done anything about it yet but I'm seriously considering asking for another prescription for antidepressants. It makes me feel like a total failure when I do when I have no great life problem to 'justify' it - even though I do actually believe that that it's caused by a chemical unbalance rather than being too weak to 'just get over myself'. Anyhow, even if it is just weakness clearly I am that weak, and even if I don't have the courage / rage to actively try to self harm deliberately chosing to binge on a foodstuff that messes up my gut still qualifies as self-destructive behaviour, so I'm working up to asking for help... knowing me it will take weeks yet and in the meantime I'll probably post nothing but misery and moaning so I'll understand if everyone bails out and leaves me to stew in my own self pity...

Food today:
Breakfast: Greek yogurt
Lunch: sausage & sauerkraut soup
Dinner: chicken salad 
Snacks: cashews

Thursday, 25 September 2014

How many ways to say.....

I'm knackered...?
Last night's deployment went well, I collapsed into bed at 11 PM, and then, as usual... woke up around 4 am. Ah well. I'd already arranged to work from home (from my sofa to be precise) so I worked in my pjs until about 10. My brain was Swiss cheese all day and I felt horribly unproductive in terms of work... but while I unsurprisingly didn't train I did hoover, take delivery of my weekly shop, pop to the council tip with a car load of rubbish from the Great Declutter and walk about 3 miles doing a wide circle of town incorporating a post office drop off and a little shopping.
So actually quite a good day although after starting the day feeling no worse than usual I now feel as if a truck drive over me. Twice. The earliest of early nights is called for...

Food today:
Breakfast: no proper breakfast was had as I couldn't decide what to go for. I had one gf sausage, some melon and half of one of those 2 minute coconut muffins in a mug (it was hopelessly dry again and the other half went in the bin)
Lunch: that wasn't right either. I'd bought some fresh mussels to cook but most of them failed to open in the cooking so I threw them away & ate homemade pork rinds followed by Greek yogurt
Dinner: lamb & cumin burger served on a slice of homemade gf flax bread with potato wedges and watercress salad - and very nice it was too!
Snacks: more homemade pork rinds & cashews.
I wonder why I'm fat....

Wednesday, 24 September 2014


Definitely rebuilding my strength through sleep now. Sad for me, under the circumstances, that I am doing a little overtime tonight at 10 PM. Leaving aside the fact that I'm 300 yrs old and my bedtime is way earlier than that I doubt if it will be restful, however well it (hopefully) goes. Still, I am working from home tomorrow as a reward for the unsocial hours overtime and that's always nice. 
I weighed myself this morning and I was right back where I was immediately after the holiday. In truth although depression & exhaustion definitely led to over indulging I'm fairly confident I didn't overeat that much so I'm hoping once the crap works it's way completely out of my system some of it will disappear again. Listen to me, classic yo yo dieter.... pondering how to get it off ASAP by changing my diet AGAIN despite not really having given the perfect health diet a fair shot... NO. Not doing it. PHD deserves more than a week (or two) sticking to it followed by a week ignoring it completely. Or however long it was. 
I did walk about 3 miles today, so could have been worse...

Food today:
Breakfast: bratwurst sautéed with leek,  peppers & sauerkraut
Lunch: chili
Dinner: ham & brie with cucumber & tomatoes
Snacks: 2 minute cocoa protein muffin

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Just call me Moby Dick

Another slightly better night last night and I'm feeling at least 40% human today - not enough to train,  but I did manage a 2 mile walk at lunch, and didn't eat anything I hadn't planned, so some positives today. Having said that,  work was really really really really really annoying and I'm hugely fed up of it. I'm not vigorously job hunting,  but I have started to send my cv out when I see a very interesting job advertised (sadly so far they're not returning my interest however - but I have to start somewhere) Also thanks to the lack of training & bingeing at the weekend I feel like a bloated disgusting whale. 
Fingers crossed tomorrow I might make it up to 50% human... onwards and upwards (not in weight hopefully - I'm currently avoiding the scales)

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon,  mushrooms and leek
Lunch: beef salad
Dinner: pork chop with leek, green beans & broccoli
Snacks: 2 minute cocoa protein muffin topped with a little Nutella as it was so dry

Monday, 22 September 2014

Er, hi….

Fridays post, as far as I got:

Nope,  didn't get my good night's sleep last night. .. I woke up at 3:30 again.  I tried to train on getting up, but after 10 minutes I felt like I couldn't carry on,  so... I didn't.  Mum has suggested I ask my doctor for a prescription for sleeping pills but I'm weirdly reluctant and can't work out why.

That was followed by a bout of depression and even less sleep Friday night & again Saturday night :-(
I didn't manage any formal training over the week

end as I was barely conscious but I did walk a fair bit (7 miles Saturday,  approximately 5 yesterday) mainly because I didn't feel up to driving for my big weekly shop so I got the essentials by walking with my rucksack multiple times. I also ate an entire bag of Tesco triple chocolate chip shortbread on Saturday for comfort & an all too temporary energy boost. I did better food-wise yesterday though,  and felt better today thanks to managing a bit more sleep last night. It wasn't enough to give me the energy to train before work this morning, and though I planned to make up for it after work I got caught up with chores and didn't manage it. Hopefully I'll get another half decent night tonight and feel up to it in the morning.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, lamb's kidney & tomatoes
Lunch: homemade soup
Dinner: chicken stir fry
Snacks: Greek yogurt, cashews.

Thursday, 18 September 2014

Still struggling

Yesterday I did ok foodwise apart from too much homemade pork scratchings and resorting to a protein flapjack again. I worked from home at short notice and had left my replacement snack (greek yogurt) at the office, so it was the best I could do. 
Yesterday was fairly boring and at the same time intensive. I was checking data all day, so I had to focus on the most boring data imaginable - and today was more of the same (but being back in the office helped for once because I wasn't working alone on the sofa). I didn't train, though I intended to, but only walked about 2.5 miles. 
Today I didn't train before work due to my continued knackeredness. It's been over a week - maybe 2 - since I had a decent nights sleep without waking up about 2:30am and I can hardly remember what being rested feels like. So training at 4:30am did not appeal... Nor did walking at lunchtime, though I managed a couple of miles after work. God I need a good night's sleep...

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, mushrooms & spinach
Lunch: homemade soup - sort of potato & leek (but with sweet potato not normal potato and coconut milk instead of cream) with added chicken.
Dinner: chicken & lamb kebab (takeaway)
Snacks: Greek yogurt with banana, plum, cashews.

Tuesday, 16 September 2014


Balls balls
Binged today
I blame yesterday's sandwich - bought for incredibly mature and reasoned reason that I missed my train home from Reading yesterday & therefore was stuck at the station for an extra (tedious) half hour. I'd already made myself a salad, but kept it for today. That was not a good idea. Yesterday I said the non-gf sandwich was worth it because it was delicious - but it really wasn't.
I trained this morning, so that was good. Unfortunately I couldn't walk at lunch time because I had a parcel to post. Due to having to queue to buy the padded envelope first, then queue again to weigh the parcel & pay for the postage, I didn't have time for a walk. I did however have time to buy binge food.
Ah well. I stopped bingeing around 1 pm and behaved for the rest of the day...
Tomorrow is another day, right?

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, mushrooms & spinach
Lunch: ham & kale salad & some melon, also some crisps left over from a catered meeting
Dinner: beef stirfry
Snacks: nutty Kind bars (2 of them!!!), pork scratchings, bounty bar, fig, plum.
The Kind bars were an attempt to replace the protein flapjacks I've been eating lately but it turns out they have way, way, way too much sugar for me... And not enough protein.  All gone now thankfully

Monday, 15 September 2014

Eye check - 3 months post op

Today was my three month post-op check up for my eye - it should have happened last month but was postponed because of my holiday.
I worked from home so that I could go to the appointment and then make up the time. I dragged myself into Reading on the train and then, as usual, got stuck in the waiting room till an hour after my appointment time. I genuinely have no idea why it's so impossible for anyone at that hospital to come anywhere close to on schedule. No idea.
Especially given that when my appointment finally did happen it lasted approximately 3 minutes - if they're all like that how do you end up an hour behind by mid-morning? The important thing I guess is that it did go well - my eye is still doing well, he used the word stable - and I don't have to go back for 6 months, at which point, assuming things still look good, I'll be discharged from the Eye Clinic so yay.
Apart from that, not much worthy of mention. As usual on eye check days I walked 4 miles total between house and train station, train station & hospital. I didn't train as well because I started work early - and finished late - to make up the time spent on the trek to and from my appointment. Work was boring but I put the tv on in the background & didn't care. And that's it really. Except for a change I slept badly :-( I woke up early, tried to go back to sleep, got really bored and checked the clock... After all that, it was 3:08 am. I can't remember what a decent nights sleep looks like, it's been so damned long...
Tiredness + frustration + boredom = overeating today

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, mushrooms & spinach
Lunch: beef sandwich - not gf (Marks & Spencer - and worth it) :-0
Dinner: chicken & ham kale salad
Snacks: wasabi peas, protein flapjack.

Friday, 12 September 2014

Activity at last

Well, I hardly slept last night and today I feel like someone dropped a piano on my head (I think, not speaking from experience :-)). When tired the rest of the week it felt like a totally physical tiredness but my brain was no less awake than it usually is; today my brain feels completely zonked. I've come to the conclusion that it's not really about being tired since I wasn't sleeping badly before last night; I think I've actually been depressed, and not in the general situational sense that comes with a death / divorce / medical diagnosis or other traumatic experience, more in the annoyingly undefined amorphous not enough serotonin (or something) sense. Of course there are studies saying that exercise is really helpful for mild depression, so if I'm right I've been doing exactly the wrong thing by resting this week. Ah well.
So at lunchtime I made myself go for a walk and then I went for another one after work.
Did it make me feel better?
While I was out at lunch, it was really nice,


but then I had to return to work...
The walk after work was less attractive, and if I go for long solo (boring) walks when I'm down I often spend the time wallowing and end up lower than before, so I risked life and limb by reading my kindle all the way for distraction (didn't really risk much as I don't read crossing roads and do check very frequently for other pedestrians / cyclists / animals in my path). I expect I feel better for having gone than I would have without the exercise, and I'm glad I broke my run of totally idle days anyway. I walked 6.5 miles today in total!!!
One positive thing about this week that I'm trying to cling to is that I haven't craved junk food even when lacking energy - usually I would have been struggling to resist the quick sugar boost. I ate a Bounty one day because I literally didn't feel well, but that didn't trigger a binge, and although cakes & doughnuts have appeared in the office twice this week I haven't even been tempted... And last weekend I twice bought snack-packs of dried fruit (one mango, one dried apple chips) - brands I have eaten before and enjoyed - and both times threw them away after a  couple of bits because they were TOO SWEET!!! From a person who adores Lemon Meringue Krispy Kremes that's quite a change! I think maybe I am one of those people who need slightly higher healthy carbs, I was struggling because my body was demanding them, and now I've started eating rice & potatoes again (though not yet in the quantities recommended in the perfect health diet) I'm giving my body more what it wants at last. Of course just a week or two isn't enough to be sure, but I think not wanting to binge through TOTM & a depressed week is probably a good sign. And if I'm seeing a good sign there, maybe my walks today were better for me than I gave them credit for above!

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with prawns, ham & cauliflower - all sitting in the fridge needing to be used up
Lunch: rice and salt beef salad
Dinner: chicken wrapped in Parma ham with mushroom risotto
Snacks: Yogurt, protein flapjack. These flapjacks are convenient but definitely not Perfect Health Diet so I need to stop eating them and come up with something healthier, cheaper and hopefully no less convenient

Thursday, 11 September 2014

Well that was a waste of time

Today was.. was... Well, a dead loss really.
So I didn't train again this morning - still too tired / apathetic. Ditto no walk at lunchtime due to work stuff - and speaking of - the. most. frustrating. day. ever. at work. I spent most of the morning trying to get an environment sorted out so I could work overtime this evening - a deployment at 10pm - 10 PM!!! and eventually failing (for which I am actually, unsurprisingly, grateful even though the day dragged like a week and felt totally unproductive at the time.) But then work generally sucks at the moment any way so that was just par for the course.
Enough moaning damn it! I'm going to do something active tomorrow - I am - either a walk OR a training session... Probably not both, but something!

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with prawns, green pepper & tomatoes
Lunch: rice and salt beef salad
Dinner: well fed chocolate chili over courgette noodles
Snacks: Yogurt, protein flapjack

Wednesday, 10 September 2014

Not training...

I woke up this morning with no energy - I just felt totally drained. I'm not sure why as I don't remember lying awake all night or anything,but I just couldn't find the strength to train and if I'd been able to come up with an excuse I would have worked from home (then of course work was really frustrating, especially in the morning, so I spent the day wishing I had)
At lunchtime I wanted to go for a good walk but had to queue in the post office to send off a parcel and didn't have time - more frustration!
Ah well, I guess a rest day was called for / forced upon me and I did get some chores done instead so the time wasn't wasted completely.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, a tiny bit of boiled new potato, and cauliflower
Lunch: rice and chicken salad
Dinner: tinned tuna in homemade tomato & pepper sauce over courgette noodles
Snacks: Greek yogurt, protein flapjack

Tuesday, 9 September 2014

Training, training...

I lasted the full 40 minutes training today - I think I slept through the first 18 or so! I did feel tired again, maybe I'm just not one of those people who trains strongly while fasted, but if I wait till after work it's unlikely to happen, if I trained before work but later (and therefore started & finished later) I'd quickly stop doing it at all due to annoying traffic, I guess something is better than nothing? Right? I'm still not sleeping through till morning so it could just be that I'm actually tired rather than needing food for fuel. I need to retire from work, then I'd be able to fit everything in. Or maybe work part time (at full time rates)... Anyone got a job like that going? If not, how about a winning lottery ticket you don't need? Anyone?
Deafening silence...
I walked 2 miles at lunchtime which was nice and sunny but maybe just a little bit too hot. I went to my favourite farm shop, and as usual had to fight back the urge to buy half the shop - at scarily inflated prices of course. I considered another walk after work but I was tired and had a few chores to do so I didn't bother in the end (damned decluttering...) Now I'm shattered & can hardly keep my eyes open... at 8:20pm!

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon, leek & yellow pepper + a tiny bit of boiled new potato
Lunch: leek & potato soup blended with Greek yogurt and eaten chilled as 'vichyssoise'
Dinner: Beef & chorizo burger with sauteed potatoes & salad (the burger served between 2 large red pepper slices)
Snacks: homemade pork rind (very small portion),Greek yogurt (also very small portion)

Monday, 8 September 2014

Monday... again...

I got up to train this morning but due to stomach cramps (grr - TTOM) I stopped 20 minutes in. I think that's the only time I've ever stopped earlier than I intended once I've actually made it on to the machine at all. Luckily I trained on it yesterday - very unusual for a weekend - as well as walking over 5 miles, so I'm not too bothered about it. Except if I'd known that was going to happen I would have had the option of another 20 minutes in bed! (that's a lie - I never hit snooze)
I stayed lazy later in the day and didn't really walk at lunchtime either. At least the cramps eased off eventually, so hopefully I'll be back on the machine tomorrow morning

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with butter and spinach, topped cooked with leftover Cajun pork tenderloin in homemade mayonnaise
Lunch: leek & potato soup
Dinner: Turkey stirfry
Snacks: homemade pork rind (very small portion) and a dark Bounty (essential because I got light headed and shaky and had nothing healthy with me)

Friday, 5 September 2014


I discovered the recipe for a much better workout! You'd think it would be clean living, good nutrition, and a good night's sleep... But no!
1) get tipsy
2) eat gf Flapjack at 9 pm to soak up booze
3) wake up at 1 am desperately thirsty (but manage to go back to sleep after drinking sparkling water)
4) get up at 4:30 and decide to train anyway.
I felt much stronger, worked harder, sweated all the toxins out... Amazing!
I imagine it's to do with being less fasted thanks to the flapjack rather than a beneficial side effect to the booze - but I'll take it!

Sadly I did start yawning uncontrollably around 9:30 (in the morning) so the effects wore off unfortunately. Walking at lunchtime perked me up again a bit though I only managed 2.8 miles due to being held up by a swing bridge over the canal; maybe if I'd managed the full intended 3 miles I wouldn't have been so damned tired by home time. After work I went for another walk - only 1.5 miles - to try for a last energy boost to get through the evening. I'm hoping for a better nights sleep tonight.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with ghee cooked with leek, red pepper and bacon
Lunch: gazpacho soup
Dinner: chicken fried rice
Snacks: cashews, gingerbread Nak'd bar

Thursday, 4 September 2014


Today I trained again before work, feeling a bit fitter though not really strong in terms of performance.
I also weighed myself - 165 lbs, down from 169 on Thursday, can't complain about that...
After work I walked 1.6 miles... To shop for booze to celebrate / commiserate after M was asked to start his new job a week early AND we were able to agree an extension to our current tenancy (if we want it). So... Booze... And takeaway... And attempt to soak up booze with excess food... And the day started so well... Healthily... Something tells me I may not train in the am...

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with ghee cooked with onion, spinach and bacon
Lunch: gazpacho soup made to Diane's recipe - see comments (delicious even though I used tinned tomatoes and (horror!) GF bread. I will make it again, but next time I will thin it down more.
Dinner: Chicken & lamb shish kebab (plus some chips M ordered while I wasn't looking)
Snacks: fruit - a fresh plum & fresh fig

Wednesday, 3 September 2014


This morning I did actually train; it wasn't a very good session as I was still a little bit bunged up, and I almost called it quits after 20 minutes but I carried on and did the full 40 minutes in the end. Afterwards I was delighted that I did it (and that it was over :-))
At lunchtime I walked two miles to shop as well so in total it was a much more active day. The weather wasn't outstanding but that was a good thing as it meant it wasn't too disgustingly hot for the walk.
We're also busy decluttering the house. Our current tenancy ends at the end of October and we're not sure if we're staying on or moving again, so in case of another move we want to get rid of a lot of accumulated rubbish that's been building up to annoying levels - not least because lately there's been a few occasions where we thought we'd run out of something / lost something and either bought more or at least planned to do so before finding the original item - a waste of money and yet more rubbish lying around! But I hate hate hate decluttering, and find it hard to get rid of stuff... Evenings are not fun.

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with ghee cooked with leek, broccoli, cauliflower and bacon
Lunch: rice salad with ham & veggies, followed by Greek yogurt
Dinner: well fed chocolate chili (with a twist - I subbed some of the meat with ox kidney and added mushrooms) over courgette noodles
Snacks: melon chunks

Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Perfect Health

No, not me – or not yet anyway.

Today was another non training day as I was still a bit too congested when I got up, but that cleared by evening so I'm hoping to go for it tomorrow morning.
In the meantime I'm starting the Perfect Health Diet today. This isn't a massive change from the one I've been following when not cracking up / on holiday / sick / healing, with the exception that it uses more healthy starch, allowing potatoes and white rice while maintaining the emphasis on real, whole, natural food. And avoidance of sugary carbs in favour of starchy carbs, in slightly higher quantities to support the immune system better (because lets be honest, mine has been getting hammered and kicked around the room this year, admittedly mostly when I'm falling off the wagon, but still...). I guess it’s a moderate carb diet for overall health rather than the high carb conventional government guideline style of diet or the low carb lifestyle I’ve been aiming for. We’ll see how it goes I guess…

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with ghee cooked with leek, broccoli, potato, cauliflower and bacon
Lunch: ham sandwiches - boiled ham in gf ciabatta rolls
Dinner: massive gammon salad
Snacks: cashews, pork rinds

Monday, 1 September 2014


I didn't work today as I came down with what I hope is only a 24 hr bug - lots of sniffles, congested head, trouble sleeping, and a headache that probably came from the lack of sleep. Happy Birthday to me!
So I spent the day in my dressing gown. I tried to go back to bed but it was too light in the room & I've lost my eye mask (must reorder). So I ended up just taking it easy but not sleeping it off. I didn't risk training as I was having trouble breathing through my nose.
On Saturday I walked about 7 miles, yesterday & today only about 2 (had to get dressed and clear my head eventually) but I didn't feel as frustrated today because my head felt swollen - you know, that lovely sense that your skin is being stretched? This started yesterday afternoon and improved through the day before returning during the night; it's feeling better again now so fingers crossed this time it takes and I don't have the same problem tonight. Then I had a thought...Maybe some Irish whiskey would help kill the germs... You know what? I think it did... :-D

Food today:
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with ghee topped with leek and bacon
Lunch: beef salad
Dinner: we got a takeaway - we'd discussed popping out for my birthday dinner but I didn't feel up to it in the end. I had Lamb Khatta Masala and some plain boiled rice (not much) and cauliflower bhaji
Snacks: cashews, pork rind