Monday, 31 March 2014
Friday I didn't post due to wallowing in suicidal / homicidal depression. I don't know why I suddenly felt soooo awful, but I basically crashed. I ate 2 bags of crisps, gluten-containing mini brownies & maxi cookie, I cried in the bathroom, picked fights with my husband and was generally horrible to be around. Then I woke up on Saturday... happy.
Saturday was sunny and so warm I didn't even take a coat when I went out (usually I take one just in case then get hugely irritated at having to carry it around). I went out twice - morning & afternoon - for a total of probably 4 - 5 miles, and in the afternoon wandered slightly off my usual path to discover a really pleasant little wood to walk in, only minutes from the house.
Sunday I continued feeling good. In the morning I walked to Ascot (having forgotten it was a race day so would be really busy) - about 4 miles in total. I had intended to walk back again but my feet were warning of possible blisters so I didn't risk it, instead catching the train back and walking from the station - another mile - and then going back out later for a little shopping. In total, between 6 and 7 miles probably. I mostly enjoyed it (although I'd overfilled my rucksack for the last bit) and we followed that by watching The Hobbit in 3D. Of course it's so long that took up the whole afternoon, but we really enjoyed it. Apart from the singing - but that reflects my feelings regarding The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings books as well.
I also experimented a bit in the kitchen over the weekend - I made some pear, sage & fennel breakfast sausages (recipe in the Paleo cookbook Paleo lunches and breakfasts on the go) - very delicious, M liked them too - and for dinner yesterday I made meatza with a beef crust - really tasty!
I did not want to go to work today and tried to think of an excuse to work from home, but failed. I sulked a little bit on the journey in but got over it eventually (it would have been quicker if there had been fewer disgusting noises invading my desk airspace from the guy who sits across from me)
I had my now standard 2 miles walk today. So the walking is continuing at a fairly undemanding level anyway.
In other news, after repeatedly failing to get through to the hospital last week to ask about my op, someone finally answered the phone today. One transfer and another call later, I discovered that I was right - no order on the system, so I wasn't on the waiting list. And one of my two months gone without anything happening. I knew they'd bloody forgotten all about me!
Breakfast: scrambled eggs
Lunch: homemade soup & vegetable crisps
Dinner: Italian sausage & peppers zucchini noodles (I made my own 'Italian sausage' using pork mince & well fed Italian sausage seasoning, then shaped it into small meatballs to fake the chunks of sliced sausage in the original recipe)
Snacks: nuts, natural yoghurt, small amount of melon
Thursday, 27 March 2014
Ok, I had some chocolate again today and now I'm feeling sick of myself. I'm not happy boo hoo me but the truth is I'm not unhappy because my life lacks chocolate and now it's just starting to feel self destructively self indulgent - and a bit tedious. And not even enjoyable. Not to mention weight gain (2 miles walking a day, though a definite improvement, will not offset chocolate eating)
So that's enough.
Right. Well, I must admit I feel it hard to care about looking after myself and hard to feel like I deserve to feel good / look good / be happy right now. As a first step in changing that I've booked an appointment to get my hair cut on Saturday (I look like an unpruned shrub at the moment) and starting tomorrow I'm going to do another whole 30 though without making a big thing of it if I slip up now and then as it can only run up to April 26th, when we have a reservation at one of M's favourite restaurants for his birthday.
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with asparagus
Lunch: salad with hot smoked salmon
Dinner: soup - turkey egg drop soup with homemade chicken stock
Snacks: chocolate again & cashews
Wednesday, 26 March 2014
Thanks Deniz for your congrats - sadly they came just as I was bingeing due to continued depression combined with the hormonal upheavals of TTOM, stomach cramps & diarrhea... Sorry to disappoint!
I worked from home today so I could let in a BT engineer to upgrade our broadband. He was due between 8 am and 1pm and of course I expected him to come at 12:59 pm, but amazingly he arrived about 8:20 and was gone in about 15 minutes - much better!
Unfortunately once that was out of the way my mood plummeted and by about 11:30 I was counting the minutes to lunchtime so I could buy some comfort food. I started with a massive chocolate milkshake and carried on from there... I wonder actually if I was feeling a little bit anaemic as well as just greedy - look at my lunch & you'll see why! The tiny positive I do get from my behaviour is at least I still went out for a bit of a walk - I'm so not enjoying it right now (too much time to think) that it almost feels like a punishment, but today it offset at least 2 or 3 mouthfuls of my binge. Even if it was specifically for the purpose of buying the binge food in the first case.
Breakfast: smoothie of spinach,coconut milk, frozen banana & blueberries + avocado
Lunch: small rump steak with lemon garlic spinach
Dinner: Chinese roast bbq pork with veg and big dollops of zingy ginger dressing
Snacks: milkshake, 2 gf muffins, dried fruit
PS I know it's really annoying of me to mention a horrible thing and not tell you what it was, I nearly just pretended that 3 days didn't pass without a post and carried on as if nothing happened... But I'm so grumpy depressed and generally miserable right now I figured inflicting myself on the web with NO explanation was just as unfair, and staying off, well, I guess I need you anyway...
Tuesday, 25 March 2014
Anyway, to today. Horrible weather didn't keep me indoors today - I walked 2 miles in the rain and though I didn't enjoy it much um sure it did me good.
Work was pretty tedious but not too stressful and not too arduous. Yesterday was worse - some software was released on Sunday and it didn't work properly yesterday morning, so that wasn't good news although the problem was solved by lunchtime. With everything that had been happening I cracked yesterday and had some mini eggs; I've also had a few drinks to relax from my sky high stress levels the last couple of days. I am pleased not to have binged at any point though. Even though I've had backache for 3 days.
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with ham & mushrooms
Lunch: ham & egg mayo salad
Dinner: pork osso bucco with veg
Friday, 21 March 2014
This morning one of the guys in the office brought in cakes for his birthday and I was pleased to be completely indifferent to one (a truly enormous chocolate cake with a full centimetre of chocolate icing on it) and easily able to resist the other (a very substantial New York cheesecake) - both of them were homemade too, which is generally more appealing than shop bought; he also brought 2 boxes of mixed Krispy Kremes. In the right mood I've always loved them, even since going GF, and I did have to put a little effort into avoiding looking at them too closely, but I managed to resist those too. Helped admittedly by the fact that the office is full of addicts and the boxes emptied quickly, but I still count that as a victory!
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with tomato and bell peppers
Lunch: chicken-bell pepper salad made with Paleo mayonnaise in romaine lettuce leaves and a snackpack of dates
Dinner: well fed 2 crispy panfried sardines with salad
Snacks: coconut, cashews, Greek yoghurt
Thursday, 20 March 2014
I didn't walk today at lunchtime - I was too busy drooling over inspiralized recipes. Unfortunately I didn't have time afterwards either as I was waiting for a Tesco delivery - but I did do some housework so it was kind of productive
Breakfast: my favourite egg salad - hard boiled egg, bacon & avocado in mayonnaise.
Lunch: soup - very mild despite being flavoured with red Thai curry paste, very rich from coconut cream
Dinner: spiralized sweet potato noodles cooked in a homemade tomato 'pasta' sauce with tinned tuna, sliced black olives and capers stirred in
Snacks: coconut, roast gammon, Babybel cheese
Wednesday, 19 March 2014
Because of that great combo I couldn't enjoy the weather when it improved just before lunch - the sun was too bright for my headache when I popped out briefly - or after work, when the head was better but I had things to do. After work I did more laundry, repaired a dress whose hem was drooping in an unattractive manner, made lunches for tomorrow and dinner for today, plus whizzing up a batch of paleo mayonnaise and (my personal pet hate) unloading/reloading the dishwasher. It was a relief to collapse in front of the TV after dinner to catch my breath!
That combination of too much to do in too little time also stopped me from writing my post throughout the day while waiting for my tests to complete. So apologies for the greater than usual tedium!
Breakfast - leftover turkey burger topped with paleo hoisin sauce + broccoli slaw
Lunch: more leftovers - a mystery stew I found languishing in the depths of my freezer, followed by a snack pack of dried apricots
Dinner: a stir fry of unknown white fish, mushrooms, peppers & slightly ageing lettuce leaves. A whole lot better than it sounds!!!
Snacks: coconut flakes, a mini babybel cheese, pork scratchings
Tuesday, 18 March 2014
I ate chocolate today, and not quality, possibly heart healthy dark 80%+ dark chocolate, but milk chocolate filled with caramel. It was too sweet for me, but having bought it I ate it all anyway. Not enjoying it much makes me hope I'll remember that next time it seems like a good idea - I don't like chocolate seems a better place to be than I want chocolate but can't have it.
At lunchtime I didn't walk because it looked like rain. For once I got that one right - several people came back in complaining about getting wet. Unfortunately the guy who sits opposite me here (and like me, eats lunch at his desk) is prone to loud slurping, gulping, licking & belching noises so the most I can say for lunch is that at least I wasn't rained on...
After work I planned to take a short walk into town to pay a cheque into the bank but I worked late and then had more laundry and food prep chores to keep me in the kitchen. I quite like that mind you (though a walk would have been nice) - after spending all day sitting on my bum it's nice to stand up for a couple of hours.
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with mushroom, leek & tomato
Lunch: homemade soup
Dinner: turkey burger (homemade) with lemon & garlic spinach
Snacks: nuts, homemade pork scratchings, Galaxy caramel bar
Monday, 17 March 2014
The weather was beautiful and I spent most of both days outside.
On Saturday my brother arrived about 8:30 am and we walked to the post office to deal with a despatch and a collection, then after dropping off our collection at home headed for the train station. We started off with a brief visit to Wokingham to check out the Saturday market, then went on to Reading to check out the farmers market there, walk around in the sun, and have a Loch Fyne lunch. Then we caught the train back, and after stopping by the house to drop off some shopping we went for a walk through a park, wood and wildlife corridor. In total I think we probably came close to 10 miles walking and all of it in lovely mild spring weather.
On Saturday evening we ordered a Nepalese takeaway and watched a movie (more or less - my brother nodded off at least once)
Sunday we headed into London on the train. For months we've been planning vaguely to do a boat trip on the Thames and yesterday was the day. We downloaded a 2 for 1 voucher from the National Rail website and boarded at the Westminster Pier for a very short (but interesting thanks to an excellent commentary by one of the crew members) ride up to Tower Pier, where we changed boats to one for Greenwich.
We were both so impressed with Greenwich! We walked around the Old Royal Naval College for a while (beautiful buildings, well worth a visit)
The Chapel (above) and the Painted Room
We were not the only ones enjoying the lovely weather!
Then we had a little wander around the village. We found an excellent (but sadly overcrowded) market to explore as well, and both agreed we'd like to go back earlier in the day when it would hopefully be less crowded.
Then we caught the boat back to Tower Pier, popped into our favourite eating place - Bodeans BBQ - for a late lunch, and walked along the Thames Path to get back to the train station. There was a cold breeze for some of the day but a lot of the time I was walking around in a t-shirt (with s goofy smile, probably!)
I wasn't Paleo or even low carb all weekend - across the two days I ate white potatoes, rice, ice cream, a gf brownie and drank milky coffee - but had no untoward side effects and didn't suffer and energy crashes with all the walking so I guess it wasn't a bad idea. And I enjoyed all of it!
Today I didn't do any walking due to sore feet. I stayed in over lunch and then plunged into cooking, laundry and other chores straight after work - I was behind after my busy weekend
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with bacon & spinach
Lunch: homemade soup
Dinner: tandoori chicken breasts with broccoli
Snacks: nuts, homemade pork scratchings, toasted coconut
Friday, 14 March 2014
I slept like the dead last night, through to about 4 am. I don't know if it was the sleep deprivation up till then, beer, or Nytol or a bit of each, but I was happy about it!
No sugary comfort food today, GF or otherwise, so that was good. I wasn't even tempted - I did think it might be a struggle - and that was a very pleasant surprise.
It was really foggy again this morning but I was feeling rejuvenated enough to brave the roads (hate hate HATE driving in fog) and I made it to work in one piece. Like yesterday when the fog lifted it was beautiful and sunny, warm and Springlike. I walked a couple of miles at lunchtime to enjoy it, but sadly had no time after work for more.
Tomorrow my brother is visiting us and we're hoping for good weather so we can spend our time outdoors having fun!!!
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with leek, mushroom & spinach
Lunch: tuna mayo and cucumber slices and an apple
Dinner: balsamic tuna steak with parsnip chips & roasted cabbage
Snacks: cashews, coconut flakes, 2 dates
Thursday, 13 March 2014
Well, haven’t felt much like posting today so not a lot to say if I’m honest. I slept for roughly 3 minutes yesterday and woke up to a world blanketed in the thickest fog I’d ever seen (it was real fog, not a metaphor for the state of my brain… or my eye)
I set off for work but got about a mile before deciding I didn’t have sufficient focus to drive to work in the horrible visibility so I turned around, came home and worked from home instead. Of course by lunchtime when I resurfaced the fog had burned off completely, there was glorious sunshine and blue skies… so I walked to the shop (about 2 miles round trip) and thoroughly enjoyed it.
Despite the fact that the house move is off because the banks don’t understand what I do well enough to be willing to lend to me right now. So our lovely new house will be someone else’s lovely new house. I’m disappointed but there’s a small measure of relief in there that the stress of another house move is put aside until I can get the other big stresses sorted out. I don’t know why I so often end up (after months of relatively tedious living) having multiple stressful situations to deal with at the same time, it must be bad planning on my part I guess
Anyhow, I did my working from home and was fairly productive despite a nagging ache in my left shoulder that I can still feel now. I got a bit of a walk in at lunchtime and another afterwards, then walked another mile (round trip) to have some dinner out in a very low key ‘the stress is over’ celebration / ‘the dream is over’ drowning of the sorrows which involved beer.
Because I can.
So in total today I walked about 5, maybe 5.5 miles. Not enough to mitigate the sugar damage (see below), but way more than recently and vastly more than none. So I’m cutting myself a very little slack here.
Breakfast: left over mutton stew with added homemade stock, spinach, mushroom & leek (I ran out of eggs. The horror!!!!)
Lunch: Chicken & veg soup. Soup all gone now. Yay? It was getting boring
Dinner: Wetherspoons ‘Skinny steak’ – the skinny just means it comes with an undressed side salad instead of the usual accompaniments. I took my own dressing (does that make me a hardcore dieter??? Well no.. because I binged on my second walk today…) – zingy ginger dressing from Well Fed 2
Snacks: Coconut flakes and a (GF I swear!) tiffin bar. Plus maybe some peanut butter from the jar. And a dark chocolate Bounty, a bag of crisps, and some GF dark chocolate ginger cookies, plus some Haribos Starmix I feel very little shame because I think I held it together pretty well with all the stress over the last few months, only buckled when the pressure eased off, and will do better tomorrow. Notice I went all sugar all the way when I did go stress relieving comfort eating… but I did (just) stay gluten free. Despite being tempted by a Krispy Kreme…
Wednesday, 12 March 2014
Compared to yesterday's somewhat gloomy note the status quo still applies... but my mood is at least 75% better! This morning at work I switched desks and my new desk is by a window. After looking out at the sun all morning at lunchtime I took a walk along the canal. I was hoping for a 3 mile round trip but lost maybe half a mile when I reached a point where the towpath was broken - washed away in the flood, and water was still flowing across the gap. In jeans I probably could have jumped it, in straight tightish skirt I didn't chance it. It was sunny for the whole 50 minutes or so I was out, and so peaceful along the canal, it was back to the days when I still enjoyed walking! (Maybe I do have SAD and the sun helped?)
After work I did have to waste some time on the phone about mortgage stuff so I didn't have time for another walk sadly.
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with coconut oil, leek, mushrooms & chard
Lunch: chicken & vegetable soup
Dinner: panfried (tinned) sardines with lemon garlic rainbow chard
Snacks: cashews, coconut flakes, biltong
Tuesday, 11 March 2014
After work today I finally managed to drag myself out for a walk into town. It was at most 2 miles, but compared to my recent record of approximately 0.6 miles it felt pretty good. I can't say I enjoyed it much - the weather was dreary and my mood matched it - but I did go. I really can't believe how hard I'm finding it at the moment. I always struggle to bother looking after myself properly when I'm depressed and going for walks definitely falls into the category of looking after myself, so I guess that's why. I still haven't been contacted by the eye hospital for my op or even a pre op check up, and the silence is getting to me... I really don't want the op obviously, but waiting to hear is proving quite hard to take. Even if they gave me a date several weeks in the future it would be better than nothing. (I'd like to believe that the delay proves I'm not too far progressed and have little to worry about, but with everything I've heard / read /experienced about the general incompetence of the NHS makes it seem more likely they've forgotten about me, and will only remember after I lose the sight in my eye... Or I chase them after the 2 months are up)
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with coconut oil, leek, mushrooms & a tiny bit of tomato
Lunch: chicken & vegetable soup
Dinner: mutton stew with sweet potato noodles
Snacks: cashews, coconut flakes, dried fruit
Monday, 10 March 2014
Saturday was a good day, mostly nice weather and a visit to my Mum (I saw my brother too, which I wasn't expecting). We went to Frome in the morning and there was an excellent farmers market on, then went to Wetherspoons for lunch. We talked pretty constantly all day, and I got lots of hugs :-)
Yesterday the weather was glorious of course, but much quieter. In the morning we sold M's car so he is now properly a biker, and then I took a very short walk. Afterwards I lay on the sofa and slept through half of the movie Rise of the Guardians in 3D - I enjoyed what I saw of the movie but just couldn't stay awake.
The only negative over the weekend was a constant very low level headache from Saturday night to... Well, it's still there so that's just grand...
I was starving when I got home today so I spent the whole evening in the kitchen - cooking myself an early dinner, snacking on toasted coconut flakes while it cooked...
Breakfast: eggs scrambled with leek, mushrooms & a tiny bit of tomato
Lunch: turkey & vegetable soup
Dinner: chicken thighs with lemon & garlic rainbow chard
Snacks: cashews, coconut flakes, dried fruit & melon slices
Friday, 7 March 2014
I've been struggling without the caffeine this week, really feeling very tired and lacking energy all day, but not really sleeping any better either - I still keep waking up between 3 & 4am every morning. I'm going to stick with it over the weekend, but if there's no improvement I'll go back to having one cup in the morning again. I want to be out walking as much as I can allowing for the weather and time, but just don't have the energy and I'm not convinced that cutting back on the coffee is a benefit if it also encourages me to turn into a total sloth. Given how careful I'm going to have to be immediately following my op, I don't want to completely waste the time I have beforehand... Damn.
Tomorrow I'm spending the day with my lovely Mum, can't wait to see her! I've been feeling the need for a hug from a Mum - there's nothing quite like it when you're down...
Lunch: turkey thigh meat & salad
Dinner: chicken thighs with veg - cabbage, leek, broccoli & carrots drizzled with tahini dressing from well fed 2 - didn't love it but will try it again (truthfully I'm not that keen on tahini)
Snacks: cashews, dried apricots
Thursday, 6 March 2014
Then I found a forgotten pack of roasted cashews in my desk and ate those too... So much for 'eating breakfast reduces the number of calories eaten during the rest of the day....'
I popped out to the Post Office at lunchtime but didn't have the time or inclination to walk properly. It's true what they say.... The more you do, the more you want to do, and sadly the reverse is also true :-( I did force myself out for a little while after work - I must have walked a whole 2 miles today!
Breakfast: scrambled egg with spinach & leek
Lunch: turkey thigh meat with roast veggies left over from last night followed by a few melon fingers
Dinner: slow cooked beef brisket with steamed leek and cauliflower and homemade horseradish mayonnaise
Snacks: coconut, cashews
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
This morning I assembled my lunch, put it back in the fridge till I left for work, left it in the fridge...
Luckily I wasn't fussed about breakfast again, so breakfast became lunch and snacks filled the gap.
The ongoing double stresses of house purchase (we hope) and waiting to get an appointment continue to fill my every waking thought, plus, apparently, my nights. I'm actually starting to wish the house purchase would fall through spectacularly so I could focus on just the one thing for a bit. I'm not training and feel no desire to whatsoever. I'm eating ok (despite not bothering with my usual breakfasts I can't claim to have lost my appetite and I'm sure I'll be back to 3 square meals + snacks in no time.) I'm irritable, snappy and grumpy. Basically a joy to be around.
I need to blog about something else for a change, but I can't think of a damned thing. Aarrgh.
After work I wanted to go for a walk but instead spent 20 minutes on the phone - on hold - and then hit the kitchen to roast a ton of vegetables and make a batch of whole 30 / Paleo hoisin sauce using almond butter. At least I'm filling my time with cooking rather than eating (although I did eat some spare almond butter)
Lunch: scrambled egg with spinach & avocado
Dinner: coldwater prawns in remoulade (should have been lunch) on top of a big plate of salad
Snacks: cashews, watermelon, coconut
Tuesday, 4 March 2014
Beautiful frosty cold morning today, no rain, clear skies... The office was decidedly cold when I got in this morning and because I was a little too warm yesterday I'd deliberately worn a thinner top. Not the smartest decision... I guess I need to bear in mind the year is still young.
I had to queue in the Post Office at lunchtime today as well as picking up a couple of things in the supermarket, so I didn't have time for a walk.
Something weird and uncharacteristic happened today foodwise... normally the first thing I do on arriving at work is cook my breakfast (having eggs means I prefer to have eaten & cleared away before anyone else arrives in case of eggy smell) but this morning I didn't feel like it. By which I don't mean I was hungry but didn't fancy eggs - that's not rare - but I didn't fancy food. That was around 7 am, and I didn't eat anything until about 9:30 when I just had a snackpack of cashews, then lunch around 12:30, when I ate what I had planned & brought, no extras. You know if you've read for a while that intermittent fasting doesn't work with me and nor, really, does 'mindful eating' or 'listening to my body' (it just permanently shouts "feed me" like Audrey 2 in the Little Shop of Horrors) but I guess if they did work, it would feel like that... and I quite liked it. Hopefully it will happen again rather than being a one off. Even if not breaking the morning up with breakfast + more than one snack meant the morning seemed interminable...
After work I enjoyed yet more working to get the mortgage for our house. It has definitely gotten more complicated since the last time we did this. It's driving me batty and I didn't have ten minutes to obsess over my eye - but not in a good way.
Lunch: ham, turkey & wasabi mayo salad in lettuce wraps followed by a few melon fingers.
Dinner: Caribbean beef with cauliflower mash and sauteed cabbage
Monday, 3 March 2014
Yesterday was not a particularly fun day - the weather was very grey, and although I did walk a couple of miles I couldn't be bothered to go further. Instead I spent time in the kitchen & on the sofa - I slow cooked a chicken, slow cooked some oatmeal to feed M this week, made a vat of a Caribbean beef stew from a recipe my dad passed on to me, roasted a goose and boiled a cured pork joint.... and watched a movie - Beautiful Creatures.
Today it was back to work so the sun came back in the morning. It was lovely this morning in fact - getting light by the time I left the house rather than driving all the way in the pitch black, clear skies, dry, not too windy, not as cold - though far from warm. At lunchtime I had to do a little shopping and it was pleasant not dashing through the rain, although it had been raining hard a little earlier in the morning and was pretty grey. I would have walked properly but I forgot to put my walking boots in the car to change into and was wearing a pair of boots that I can't walk far in without monster blood blisters appearing on the soles of my feet, so that was out sadly.
I'm not drinking any full caffeine drinks now and I think it's helping me sleep better at nights - but I get almost as tired in the early afternoon as I used to do when I was eating a lunch of gluten-ridden wheat bread. I've got two herbal teas that claim to be 'stimulating' or 'invigorating' without caffeine - rooibos & peppermint - but they're not having any measurable effect on my sleepiness :-( This afternoon lasted 8 or 9 years as a result, and made me question how much I really want to cut out the stimulants. I guess my body knows I have weeks, if not months of sleep deprivation to recover from and doesn't really get the difference between napping on the sofa in the afternoon and falling asleep on my keyboard (then getting fired...)
After work I spent yet more time on house buying stuff. I love the house we found, but I'm absolutely fed up with the purchase already. The only saving grace is that it's a distraction from other more worrying things...
Breakfast: Scrambled eggs with leek & bacon
Lunch: cauliflower soup
Dinner: chicken & vegetable stirfry with hoisin sauce
Snacks: coconut flakes; lots of nuts
Saturday, 1 March 2014
Deniz, I know you were worrying that I wasn't taking my eye condition seriously enough, and the truth is I was trying to present that face. The reality is I'm scared rigid at the thought of what they will do, terrified it won't work, and hugely depressed that it's necessary at all. I'm having headaches a fair bit, which I attribute to the general fear and stress of it all. I'm spending half my time trying not to think about and the rest of my time worrying about it and feeling sorry for myself, and right now I'm lying on my bed in tears.
I really appreciate all you've commented lately and I do know that I'm handling this badly. But I don't seem to have the strength not to. Sorry everybody, I can't help it right now, I really can't.