After yesterday's binge and today's snickers bar I'm taking a very hard look at my relationship with food and the healthiness that this blog - and my life - is supposed to be about.
Apart from the odd aches & pains I keep getting, which I suspect are down to inefficient and inconsistent training, my body is pretty healthy despite being about 14 lbs heavier than I want it to be. My brain / mind is clearly less healthy given the way I keep responding to unbelievably trivial stressors with binges, and because I do binge on foods which are bad for me in themselves, regardless of the impact of the quantities eaten, if I don't sort out my head its going to have a definitely adverse effect on my body as well, above and beyond the weight issue.
So I've made a decision that I already think might be/look like a cop out but it has to be worth a try...
I'm not happy weighing this much and I'm not accepting it as my destiny BUT I genuinely feel that being this (comparatively small) amount overweight is less damaging than bingeing so for now I'm putting the weight loss component on the back burner while I focus on getting the bingeing under control. To do this I'm continuing to low carb, and I'm focusing on cutting out processed foods even more than I already have in order to eat clean all - or at least most - of the time. There are foods I own - some quite expensive or hard to get - that I haven't wanted to throw away even though they don't fit into my diet plan; obviously these become temptations and triggers when I hit a snag, so regardless of the cost or effort involved in getting them, they are out of my house. That's things like Tcho hot drinking chocolate, which I kept around because I'd have to go back to San Francisco to replace it if I wanted to, carob, peanut & chestnut flour that had to be ordered online; liquid stevia ditto, Canadian maple syrup bought in Nova Scotia, and so on. They are history. I'm also cutting back down on fruit just to shut the door on sweet flavours. I don't really enjoy snacking on veg, but I'm going to try to find a way I can like, so I can keep the fibre and watery carbs up.
I also plan on looking into recovery techniques, through reading rather than my initial inclination to throw money at the nearest hypnotherapist, and I would really appreciate any suggestions anyone can offer for material. I'm currently reading ‘Only fat people skip breakfast’ by Lee Janogly, as it was well reviewed on Amazon. Its not a low carb diet and I already know she thinks low carb / higher protein & fat is a fad, but as its not a book full of diet plans and recipes I can still read it for the concepts.
I have to warn you that I will no doubt talk about this more than you want since I have found in the past that outing myself reduces the need to binge.
So I'll start now. First with a confession. Earlier I said that yesterday's binge was mostly Paleo (I meant to say primal, which isn't quite the same). The thing is, call it Paleo or primal, it doesn't really matter which, because it wasn't true - I didn't deliberately lie, but I did block some stuff out. I ate 2 avocados blended with cacao powder. The cacao was unsweetened and is semi-accepted (as a treat) on such a diet, but it also triggered the chocolate demon. And 2 avocados is ridiculous in one day. The mention above of Tcho chocolate was not coincidental either - when I wanted more chocolate that was my next port of call. And though I didn't sweeten it myself, it came pre-carbed. I basically ate enough to have a very disturbed night, and this morning felt groggy, nauseous and had a splitting headache - the snickers bar was actually my version of the hair of the dog. (one small victory last night was not adding booze to the mix, as I often do when bingeing, to take the edge off the guilt I'm feeling. Though before you call AA its usually only a little booze) So now that I've spelled out why I feel I need to focus on fixing this... It took one snickers bar, 2 coffees, 2 paracetamol and a bottle of fizzy water to clear my head, ease my headache and settle my stomach today. No amount of hormonal disarray, stress or frustration is an excuse for doing that to myself. It stops now.
I will give myself a small pat on the back. Today I caught the train so M could borrow my car. I left work one minute early to make sure I'd catch the train home and reached the station to find it had been cancelled (i have now tried twice to catch a train at that station, I've never succeeded). I walked and ran into town for a bus; it had broken down (to be fair if it hadn't broken down it would have left before I got there). I called a cab. I knew it would be at least a 20 minute wait and for ease of meeting it I waited outside a pub. I had to get cash, and did so in a supermarket. I neither bought crap in the shop nor bought beer in the pub. I admit I wanted to... But I didn't and that's what counts. I'm happy with that.
Breakfast: 1 egg poached and served on an almond parmesan pancake with 2 rashers of green dry cured bacon from the local farm shop.
Lunch: homemade pork soup. I livened it up by adding sauerkraut today. Followed by a granny smith apple.
Dinner: Bolognese sauce on courgette & cabbage noodles
Snacks: pork rinds, almonds, snickers bar...