Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Grrrr aaargh

I don't like myself much at the moment. Its not just that I'm a miserable cow myself (yep, still) or that I'm moaning about feeling down while being too apathetic to do anything that might cheer me up. It's that I sat in my office today resenting my colleagues for being cheerful, productive, energetic... What kind of person does that? I'm used to feeling isolated and a million miles away from the people around me, but I don't usually resent them for it and its not a nice feeling. Especially as I (usually) like them - or most of them anyway.
One more thing to be depressed about. Also I feel fat (haven't weighed myself since last week) and hideous as well as a horrible person. I haven't had my hair cut so far THIS YEAR and I look like an obese cabbage patch doll... That at least will change on Saturday morning when I finally get the chop.
Okay. Normally when I feel this bad I disappear offline for an undetermined period then return shame-faced and apologetic with admissions of bingeing and weight gain... This time I decided to confess up front in the hope of staving off disaster.... Even if I alienated every one who ever stumbled onto this blog in the process. But it feels somewhat self-indulgent (not in a healthy way like Diane suggested, more in a mental bingeing kind of way equivalent to eating chocolate till I feel sick). I'm wallowing and making myself feel worse, not better and I'm sick of myself now. So I will stop telling myself if I don't train today I'm a waste of space and (lots of) food. If I don't train today - because I'm feeling cold-y and congested - I will train once I feel better. If I try alternative day fasting for a month without weight loss I'll switch back to calorie counting, its worked before and will again (so long as I actually do it) And sooner or later I WILL be tired enough to finally get a decent nights sleep even if I don't feel like it at the moment. I went out very briefly at lunchtime hoping it would wake me up; it was shockingly cold but I still couldn't stop yawning till my eyes watered. I've been thinking about having a lunchtime nap in my car but I'm not sure if that might just make me feel groggy - anyone tried that? I've napped while not working in the past but it didn't really matter how long it took me to recover then... It would also get me out of the office on fast days when other people are heating up food & eating their lunch - today someone opened a bag of salt & vinegar crisps and the smell almost had me hurdling my desk and ripping them from his hands (luckily I was able to resist - he's my boss and that wouldn't look good)
One positive today, I managed to fend off a suggestion of a Mexican meal this evening and instead ate my planned fast day dinner. I think I feel slightly better...

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