Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Grrrr aaargh

I don't like myself much at the moment. Its not just that I'm a miserable cow myself (yep, still) or that I'm moaning about feeling down while being too apathetic to do anything that might cheer me up. It's that I sat in my office today resenting my colleagues for being cheerful, productive, energetic... What kind of person does that? I'm used to feeling isolated and a million miles away from the people around me, but I don't usually resent them for it and its not a nice feeling. Especially as I (usually) like them - or most of them anyway.
One more thing to be depressed about. Also I feel fat (haven't weighed myself since last week) and hideous as well as a horrible person. I haven't had my hair cut so far THIS YEAR and I look like an obese cabbage patch doll... That at least will change on Saturday morning when I finally get the chop.
 
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Okay. Normally when I feel this bad I disappear offline for an undetermined period then return shame-faced and apologetic with admissions of bingeing and weight gain... This time I decided to confess up front in the hope of staving off disaster.... Even if I alienated every one who ever stumbled onto this blog in the process. But it feels somewhat self-indulgent (not in a healthy way like Diane suggested, more in a mental bingeing kind of way equivalent to eating chocolate till I feel sick). I'm wallowing and making myself feel worse, not better and I'm sick of myself now. So I will stop telling myself if I don't train today I'm a waste of space and (lots of) food. If I don't train today - because I'm feeling cold-y and congested - I will train once I feel better. If I try alternative day fasting for a month without weight loss I'll switch back to calorie counting, its worked before and will again (so long as I actually do it) And sooner or later I WILL be tired enough to finally get a decent nights sleep even if I don't feel like it at the moment. I went out very briefly at lunchtime hoping it would wake me up; it was shockingly cold but I still couldn't stop yawning till my eyes watered. I've been thinking about having a lunchtime nap in my car but I'm not sure if that might just make me feel groggy - anyone tried that? I've napped while not working in the past but it didn't really matter how long it took me to recover then... It would also get me out of the office on fast days when other people are heating up food & eating their lunch - today someone opened a bag of salt & vinegar crisps and the smell almost had me hurdling my desk and ripping them from his hands (luckily I was able to resist - he's my boss and that wouldn't look good)
 
One positive today, I managed to fend off a suggestion of a Mexican meal this evening and instead ate my planned fast day dinner. I think I feel slightly better...

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Depressed

To be honest I have been for maybe a week, I don't know why. Could be the weather, the lack of movement on the weightloss / fitness front, the tail end of the bug I had last week, or just my body getting less responsive to the antidepressants I'm taking. Whatever the reason its making it even harder to be motivated to give a crap about losing weight and harder to resist the quick mood fix of a nice sugary treat or a strong cocktail... I hate feeling this way, especially when I can't pin down the reason. I know I have no real problems in life, in fact I'm very lucky compared to a lot of the world's population, and that just makes me feel ungrateful and shallow for not being happier. Sigh. So apologies for being a miserable birch today, I was tempted not to bother posting but I want to stay in the habit as it does overall help me to feel connected and accountable so here I am, spreading gloom and despondency... If anybody manages to read through this drivel that is, if not I guess I'm not spreading anything at all and my blogging life has no meaning... Moan moan whinge whine

Monday, 18 February 2013

Back at work and back to fasting

Well, I made it in to the office today.
I didn't fast at all while under the weather. I'd like to say I'd lost weight, but not so - it didn't affect my appetite at all, though it did encourage me to cut back on fibre (and chocolate has little or no fibre) and then on Saturday I did a class in making French macarons involving eating lots of cracked and misshapen efforts... Making the macarons was fun, much easier than I would have expected, and the chef teaching the class was excellent, so I expect to go back to the school for more classes in the future (its a good excuse for a day in London too ;-) ) The class was M's idea as a Valentine's Day gift, and a fantastic idea!
Now that I'm feeling better - though not strong enough to weigh myself just yet - I need to work some stuff out. I think the last few days have confirmed the need to cut back on sugar at all costs, which is a shame now that I'm all fired up to practice making macarons... Maybe I could make them to bring in to work...
So anyway, no more sugar for a while anyway. My OH's parents are visiting at the weekend so I'm unlikely to get away unscathed then, but I can do my best and build up some momentum beforehand. Also no booze at least until then, possibly while they're here but its no fun being the only sober one so I might not try for that while they're visiting. I will however then continue with the no booze after the weekend as well as cutting down on sugar. I think I'll reluctantly cut out the all bran straight away as I know that its higher sugar than you'd expect, and of course most definitely not gluten free. If all that works out it should definitely help me with my goals. The problem is that after indulging in both sugar and alcohol at the weekend, I really don't want to do any of that and I found myself wondering if being overweight really mattered this morning... Not a sign of feeling motivated to achieve great things I'm sure you'll agree! Plus it was someones birthday at work today so loads of very Un-diet-friendly goodies were scattered around the office while I was feeling hungrier than usual...
On the unexpected plus side I fitted a two mile walk into the lunchbreak period - with food shopping - and resisted all illicit food temptations. Pleased with myself there! I did have miso soup (18 calories) and 4 grapes afterwards. I wasn't as pleased with myself mid-afternoon when I felt very tired and old for a while - but I increased the calories at dinner time and felt much better!

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Didn't get to the office today

Lets just say my cold or bug attacked my stomach and the little food I ate yesterday did not stay with me long. I worked from home in the morning then gave up under the influence of stomach ache, headache, diarrhoea & feeling generally wobbly.
More tomorrow

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Coming down with a cold

I'm feeling congested and dopey today. M is also getting a cold, I guess at least we'll both suffer together (how romantic) and then the germs will die out of the house rather than one of us passing them on to the other.
It's a fast day today and I'm quite happy about that because yesterday turned into a binge - which only confirms my belief that I need to cut the junk out altogether - not to say nothing sweet will ever pass my lips again, but keeping it to good quality, gluten free home-baked (or good restaurant baked) treats after I lose the weight won't hurt, and might help me avoid ending up here again...
It was bitterly cold today so I was too chicken to go for a walk at lunchtime. I didn't feel like training either due to a congested, stuffy head - so another wasted day as far as training goes. I'm STILL having some pain in my right shoulder too, and I'm getting quite frustrated, though I'm trying to convince myself not to go overboard and start working myself into any kind of stressed mess.
Food today:
All bran for breakfast, miso soup at 2pm, and turkey stirfry with vegetables for dinner

Monday, 11 February 2013

Thank God it's Monday...

Nah, can't pull that off... Not when in reality I wish I'd been snowed in. I decided against proper training in favour of resting my back at the weekend and it then rained pretty much nonstop for the entire 2 days. On Saturday I walked into town for a little shopping, the rest of the weekend I never went further than the end of the road to put out the bin & recycling yesterday evening - one of my least favourite jobs even without the freezing cold rain. Until then I'd been dismissing the forecast of snow because I thought it was too warm, but it wasn't - we had some overnight, but because everything is so wet it only settled on grass, bushes, cars etc - nothing that could give me a day off.
As I knew I wasn't training and I couldn't face walking in the weather I fasted yesterday - it went quite well apart from adding to the boredom of the day, as I often use food prep and eating as entertainment when I'm bored. I swear yesterday lasted at least 76 hours, very possibly more... A bit like reading this thrilling instalment of My Life, no doubt...
I have to confess today I fell of the junk food wagon with a crash. Crisps AND chocolate. Strictly speaking that's not 'breaking the diet' since the essence of alternate day fasting is to eat what you want on non-fasting days so you don't feel deprived, and it will certainly boost the calories to the sort of levels I mentioned last week, but I don't want it to become a habit so I'll try not to repeat that on Wednesday. They were good though, especially the crisps...
It snowed most of the morning here. It was still too wet for any of it to stick but it looked very wintry and I was cold even in the office. On days like this I wish I could get a testing job in the Caribbean... Or anywhere that doesn't really get snow, I'm not fussy... The Sahara would work, it doesn't rain there either does it? Anyone got a job for me? Anyone?

Friday, 8 February 2013

Fasting Friday

Well, food day yesterday went well - I didn't binge or overeat once let off the leash, so that was good. I didn't manage to eat as many calories as I'd intended but really didn't want more food, so that was good too. Less good was an uncomfortable neck/shoulder pain that was niggling at me every time I tried to turn my head - I decided not to train as a result and settled for walking a mile (into town and back) after work. My neck feels better but still a bit stiff today but I have a new pain between my shoulder blades today... Aarrgh.
I'm having a real TFIF day today - I'm not sure why but I'm just so ready for the weekend. A bit depressed, a bit irritable, and a lot fed up. Probably the back pain - it feels like its stopping me from being as active as I'd like (and I don't feel like it that often so its annoying not to be able to act on the urge) as well as interfering with my sleep so that I'm tired. Today has been the kind of day when I wish it was possible to stay at home and stay in bed - but I can't. Why do I never feel this way on the weekend when I could in fact wallow in it? Duh... Because it is the weekend and its only the working week that sucks... At 7:30 am I was already counting the minutes till I could go home...
This weekend I'm hoping for at least one long walk if the weather is ok, failing that I guess I'll have to settle for the gym. I really hope it is ok as I think that fresh air makes all exercise better personally... It makes me calmer and less irritable. Not to mention that I can do that with the odd ache and pain whereas more intense training is questionable...
My fasting today was the split format again. All bran with fruit for breakfast, lean turkey and veg for dinner. I was very tempted to break it around lunchtime when my mood reached a new height (or do I mean depth?) of homicidal fury but I restrained myself to an 18 calorie cup of instant miso soup and felt surprisingly satisfied afterwards. Though not less grumpy.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Today I eat...

...and I'm faced with an unexpected dilemma. You see, it's like this... I was reading a synopsis of Michael Mosley's The Fast Diet in which he reckons most people level out at about 110% of their normal calorie intake on food days... So I calculated what that would be for me, and bearing in mind my desire for a healthier diet not just weight loss at any cost, which is leading me to try to avoid all my binge trigger foods - chocolate, fried potato of all types, dried fruits - and as much as possible processed foods, gluten, sugar, and grains, I'm actually struggling to plan enough food for today! On the one hand my natural tendency is to see that as a good thing and decide to just eat less, but on the other hand I don't want to trigger a future rampage, so what to do, what to do???

I started the day with a gluten free paleo recipe for 'porridge' consisting of soaked nuts blended with almond milk & banana - surprisingly tasty and filling, but it left me not really wanting to eat more nuts today. I mixed it with blueberries and cottage cheese and felt really healthy eating it! It's too calorific for fast day breakfasts but will be recurring on food days for certain. High in fibre too, which matters to me as I'm planning to cut out the all bran once my current box is used up (I could just throw it away but that's against my religion...)

My morning snack was a yoghurt (which did contain sweeteners) and later I had celery stalks stuffed with tuna & sweetcorn mayo - quite tasty but possibly too smelly and / or noisy to eat in the office often - back to the drawing board :-( I'm tempted to reintroduce the raw soups from my effort at detoxing - tasty, a good veggie and fibre boost, plus healthy fats in the form of avocado or coconut oil... Hmm, that's not a bad idea... Also, I guess, raw vegetables with healthy dips might be nice. One thing I will definitely give this new diet I'm experimenting with - its not just inspiring me to blog more, its also getting back my interest in playing with my food more, something that's been lacking for a while now...

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Fast day again

Thanks for your comment yesterday Seth, I have a tendency to focus on other people's achievements to my own detriment but thanks to you I'm now remembering that my colleague is 13 yrs younger than me, and while I'm now just trying to get back into training he's been running very consistently for years - so there'd be something weird going on if I was as good as him!
Anonymous (do you have a name or pen name I can call you by - I feel rude not addressing you properly?) I used to feel that way about fasting myself, my husband has been doing it or thinking about doing it for much longer than I've been interested but I have to say that I'm not so sure anymore. Any wildlife show demonstrates that even highly evolved specialist hunters strike out more often than not, so I don't really believe that any species actually evolved to eat 3 meals a day (plus snacks!) before agriculture could be developed... The main appeal to me is that apart from the really hungry times (mainly at breakfast time and lunchtime) which pass fairly quickly, I feel a lot healthier on fast days, no bloating, more energetic on less sleep (though there is obviously a limit to that effect), a bit sharper mentally. So, I will be carrying on with the experiment at least for now, and I promise I'll let you say I told you so if it all falls to pieces!
Anyway, on to today... I was planning a pre-work walk but cancelled it in favour of half an hour longer in bed and a long hot shower to ease my back - I couldn't get comfortable last night and it kept me awake.
As planned, I had half of today's calories for breakfast in the form of all bran with blueberries, peach slices and almond milk washed down with an Actimel 0% shot. I had planned to try to get a higher protein breakfast but in the end the fibre won. The plan now is to wait 12 hrs to have dinner, a stir fry of chicken, veg & shirataki noodles. If I find I'm too hungry at night on that size dinner i'll have to revert to using all the calories in the evening, but I hope that won't be necessary as I like having the fibre. I suppose I could have a 2 course dinner, all bran followed by omelette...
My boss brought in cakes and cookies today for his birthday. There are lots of birthdays here it seems, and they also put leftovers out whenever a lunchtime meeting is catered. It doesn't make dieting (of any format) any easier... Especially as I have to walk past the place they always put it out on my way to the kitchenette for tea or coffee (black of course) and to the bathroom. My boss included fruits for the health conscious, but on a fast day that's still verboten... I did ok today despite the uncalled for temptations lying around, didn't give way and pig out, so yay me! Though I must admit, in the interests of full disclosure and accountability, that I did consider taking a birthday cookie and locking it up until tomorrow... But didn't! 
Final confession: I ate a bit of peanut butter for supper.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Hmm

My plan to fast yesterday didn't work out very well. One thing and another led to me getting very little sleep all weekend, and by lunchtime on Monday I was feeling quite dodgy, so I called it a day, ate like a pig, and had an early night. Today was not a fast day, but I had the energy to train after work and did a good sweaty 40 minutes on the climber before dinner. Tomorrow I'll be trying the fasting thing again, but this time I plan to split my 500 calories between breakfast and dinner - watch this space!
I've now trained 3 days out of 4, which feels good except that right now my back is hurting in not one but two different places. Woe is me.... I'm old and pathetic! A colleague at work did a 50 mile ultra marathon on Saturday - eight hours of running through floods, muddy fields, and on hills... And today he was back out on the road running again! And I'm suffering after 40 minutes in the gym...

Sunday, 3 February 2013

Still trying

I actually trained twice this weekend on the Versaclimber. foodwise wasn't great but could have been worse. I don't actually remember the last time I got on the climber twice in a week, plus I did 2.5 chin-ups - and I walked a few miles as well today, though it was around Reading in pursuit of a three course lunch. On the other hand I only had a small bowl of tomato-green bean soup for dinner, so it could have been worse.
We watched Snow White & the Huntsman in the afternoon and both enjoyed it although it was a lot darker and less fairy tale-like than we expected.
Onwards and downwards (hopefully..); my plan for tomorrow is to fast again but if I struggle due to the very small lunch I'll settle for just not going crazy. Watch this space...