Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Adrift

I’m still not doing so well these days, you might have guessed. I’m bored with the blog I generally write, which is why I haven’t been blogging lately, but I’ve been missing writing something while I’ve been gone, so here I am back to vent a bit.

I’ve been doing some bingeing, some eating out, some ‘normal’ over-eating – and some laxatives to try to combat the damage. I have no idea why this crap is back in my life, I really thought that even with my very much less than perfect eating and training for the last year or so I’d put it behind me… but I guess not. The worst thing is that as much as I yo yo between self-destructive ‘don’t care’ and self-loathing disgust at my own excesses, the over-all balance is falling heavily into the realms of not caring enough about this to put in the effort. I don’t want to be fat and I don’t want to be unfit or to feel so low, but it feels kind of an academic not wanting rather than the visceral heart-felt DON’T WANT that it used to be, and I don’t know how to get that back… or how to fake it till I make it.

I’m not posting any more photos of my food for a while. Some of the time its depressing, some of the time its tedious, some of the time its embarrassing. I’m not giving up altogether, but if the recommended guidelines for dieting / healthy moderation are the 80:20 rule I’m meeting that – but exactly in the wrong way.

I want to keep blogging as you guys are the closest thing to human contact I get while M is at work, I hope I’m not going to drive you all away with the change in direction I’m taking right now… the route, and the method of transportation might have changed, but I’m still planning to end up at the same place. Eventually. Healthy(ish) again….

ETA: Holy crap, this weather bites…. I spent 40 minutes on the platform at Henley-on-Thames station this afternoon, coated, gloved and hatted, and still nearly froze solid…

Technorati Tags: ,

3 comments:

  1. I could repeat, verbatim that second paragraph because it's exactly what's going through my head. I HATE what I've become, but I don't know how to get my old mindset back. I actually do have that visceral, heart-wrenching misery but it tends to make me binge even more badly because I just can't see the point any more - I'm too depressed and tired to fight. It's the damn exhaustion, the letherargy and apathy...mostly created by injury, I fear. And the injuries won f**k off, for want of a better word, because they've been wrecking me for three months now.

    However you write, you won't alienate me and I'd still check in to see how you're doing. I feel just the same about everyone online being the only 'sane' human contact I can get!

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sounds to me like a good dose of the winter blues hang on in there and the spring will come and revitalise you. I don't understand the laxative bit, what is the point, all the nutrients have been absorbed all you will probably loose is some extra water. Anyway when I am feeling down I do have to remind myself that things are not that bad. I am warm, I have a roof over my head and food on the table, there are people who love me and rely on me what else could I possibly want?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Woah there - "self-destructive ‘don’t care’ and self-loathing"?

    C'mon Chrissie, you are being way too hard on yourself here. You've been through a move and other kinds of other stuff recently which all take a toll on mental resources. It sounds like a combination of tiredness, leftover stress and the winter blues have kicked in, in spades!

    Cut yourself a bit of slack, reflect on and make a written list of the POSITIVE things you've achieved (and yes, they ARE there) and stick it where you can't miss it.

    The current crappy phase will pass and things will get better. Spring is around the corner and you're in a fab place for some great walks nowadays. You also sound a wee bit lonely - can you find a way to meet people and make friends locally? It might help a bit.

    If not, let me know if you'd like to meet up sometime and I'll contact you through the off page thingie.

    Keep strong - you're not an inspiration to me for no reason, you know!

    ReplyDelete