I’m still not doing so well these days, you might have guessed. I’m bored with the blog I generally write, which is why I haven’t been blogging lately, but I’ve been missing writing something while I’ve been gone, so here I am back to vent a bit.
I’ve been doing some bingeing, some eating out, some ‘normal’ over-eating – and some laxatives to try to combat the damage. I have no idea why this crap is back in my life, I really thought that even with my very much less than perfect eating and training for the last year or so I’d put it behind me… but I guess not. The worst thing is that as much as I yo yo between self-destructive ‘don’t care’ and self-loathing disgust at my own excesses, the over-all balance is falling heavily into the realms of not caring enough about this to put in the effort. I don’t want to be fat and I don’t want to be unfit or to feel so low, but it feels kind of an academic not wanting rather than the visceral heart-felt DON’T WANT that it used to be, and I don’t know how to get that back… or how to fake it till I make it.
I’m not posting any more photos of my food for a while. Some of the time its depressing, some of the time its tedious, some of the time its embarrassing. I’m not giving up altogether, but if the recommended guidelines for dieting / healthy moderation are the 80:20 rule I’m meeting that – but exactly in the wrong way.
I want to keep blogging as you guys are the closest thing to human contact I get while M is at work, I hope I’m not going to drive you all away with the change in direction I’m taking right now… the route, and the method of transportation might have changed, but I’m still planning to end up at the same place. Eventually. Healthy(ish) again….
ETA: Holy crap, this weather bites…. I spent 40 minutes on the platform at Henley-on-Thames station this afternoon, coated, gloved and hatted, and still nearly froze solid…