Thursday, 15 December 2011

I did it again…

Disappeared for several days while eating like I’ve just been given a week to live (what? of course I’m going to pig myself stupid if that ever happens!!! I’m a binge-eater, remember???)

A couple of days I was just busy (still eating out loads, but also going to the cinema to see Puss in Boots 3D, having a visit from my lovely brother, going for 5 mile walks etc. And then there were the times I sat down at my PC, all set to write another ‘I overate but now I’m determined to start over’ post and just couldn’t face you all…

I am really sick of doing this. I’m not enjoying the meals out as much, and yesterday I binged on gf date & walnut slices (plus some other stuff) even though they weren’t that great. Walking home from dinner yesterday I was in physical pain from my ultra-stuffed stomach. Or maybe cramps from a laxative I’d already taken, I can’t even tell which.

I hate weighing myself right now, and am trying not to look in the mirror. I have cold sores all over my top lip, a sore throat, and I’m walking around in a mind fog 90% of the time. I have to stop this, but I really don’t seem to have any mojo left to work with.

AARRGGHHHHHHH

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2 comments:

  1. 1.) I am so sorry you're feeling this way - at least it does sound like there have been some nice things happening, but I know that once anyone goes into that 'mode' of darkness, external things that might make us happy under ordinary circumstances fail to do so.

    2.) 'Face you all'? Are you kidding - I can't speak for anyone else but I'd never judge you for having a bad spell with food: have you seen the monumental amount of crap I put down my neck when I binge? If posting would have helped your struggles, then please don't feel that we're all going to finger-wag at you for being what you perceive as 'greedy' or something similar.

    I think the laxatives are more likely the cause of lingering pain and other problems than the binges - I only say that because I've seen the damage they've done to my Mum, who's only just managed to stop taking excessive amounts of them. Despite her anorexia, she wouldn't have half the problems she does if she hadn't abused laxatives - don't overwhelm yourself by trying to tackle everything all at once...perhaps 'sitting' with the binges, without resorting to laxatives, could be a first step? Apologies if I've misinterpreted the laxative thing, it's just that they seem to be linked to the bingeing and perhaps even triggering them via association or the idea of having a 'fallback' should a binge happen?

    *hugs*

    xxx

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  2. If you have cold sores you are ill so be kind to yourself and yes feed a cold and starve a fever works well stop being so hard on yourself we all fail from time to time. Relax and have a week or two off enjoy Christmas and then start again in the new year when you feel better

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