Sunday, 7 August 2011

Why is this so hard right now?

I feel a bit like I’ve travelled back in time – to just before I started this blog, when I was regularly bingeing. The size of my binges is less now than it was then, but the feeling out of control and worthless is no less because of that.

I didn’t post on Friday because I couldn’t bring myself to write about another binge. I didn’t pot yesterday because although I did better on the diet front I was still feeling a bit crappy and because I’m losing the ability to believe that a binge can be considered a one off past thing that I can move on from. Its a bit pathetic really, as I know I’ve done it before and if anything the struggle now is demonstrating that I’m still the same person I was then, when I managed to stop it if not apparently to work through it. Maybe I’m just getting old, but it feels harder now… or maybe it isn’t harder and I’m just removed enough from that time to not remember it clearly.

 

Anyway, I’m not giving up on things now. Even though a lot of the time I want to.

 

Sigh.

 

Weight 145.1lb

4 comments:

  1. Glad you're not giving up. sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be "free" as well but then I remember what I was like onceuponatime and I realise I have come a long way. I know it gets frustrating to be repeating the same cycle and then in turn be posting about it, but I really believe we're on the right path, it just takes us a lot longer to get there (and some people don't even know this path exists..it's a secret path hehe)

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  2. It's progress, not perfection. I agree with everything the above poster said. We cannot compare our insides to other's outsides. I can manage this whatever it is, but if I get to feeling that I am cured or should be cured or why do I have to have these feelings - then I might as well be beating myself for not being born a five foot ten blue-eyed blonde. Just not my lot. This is.

    Keep your chin up. Feel what you feel - look back at the past, but don't stare, ya' know? Then move on.

    Hugs.

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  3. Consecutive binges are disheartening for me too but you can put this behind you, and in my opinion it's a victory that the binges were smaller than they used to be because that displays less of a 'it's all gone to heck so I might as well continue' attitude. That takes a lot of strength!

    I've been the same way, mini-bingeing through my injury as a means of preventing massive binges, with limited success. I truly thought that 'old me' was gone last year but all it takes is a running injury to bring that part of me back, it seems.

    I don't think there's any way to 'cure' bingeing completely...I think we have to accept that it's a part of us that will always be there, and adopt some kind of understanding towards ourselves as well as vigilance in terms of anticipating when the nasty little bugger will come out to play.

    xxx

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