I wrote this post at lunchtime yesterday, but didn’t post till now due to spending a lot of time (hopefully sorting out my long term PC problems. Before I start I’d like to say thanks for the lovely and supportive comments I received to Thursday’s post – you really helped me put things into perspective, and gave me just the boost I needed. You are wonderful people!
Sorry about the self-pitying rant I posted this morning - especially because I'm not exactly posting an innocent day today either, so how about acting on my feelings??? I'm rededicating myself to trying to stick to a healthy diet as of now, starting with cutting out beer and sugar and continuing with the cutback on caffeine as well. I think my weight is creeping slowly and stealthily upwards and I'm not happy about it so I'm going to try to lose just a few pounds as well. I'd like to resume my mostly vegetarian diet as well, but given the need to use the contents of my freezer (little of which is vegetarian) that's going to have to wait.
I've been thinking about why I keep having these 'off the rails' times every so often. I don't think its because I fear being at my goal / happy weight - I really quite like it ;-). But I've come to the conclusion that I have to have a goal to work towards to be happy with the healthy living thing - and maintaining doesn't cut it because that makes me resentful of the 'for the rest of my life' nature of what I'm doing. I don't truly have the dieter mentality of expecting to go back to 'normal' eating when I lose the weight (normal of course being the kind of eating that led to weight gain in the first place) but I do find restriction more acceptable when I can feel like it has an end date / goal at the end of it. After maintaining for a while, even though I'm eating a good number of calories for maintenance, I move my baseline expectation - so whereas on a weight loss stage I might think longingly of a relatively healthy snack that I can eat easily every day on maintenance, instead of that making me feel like I'm not being deprived it simply makes me look for a new (less healthy / more calorific) treat to long for. THEN I start feeling 'its not fair' that I can't just eat that new treat and stay slim, and start wanting to rebel, and then find myself climbing headfirst into the freezer in search of formerly forgotten baked goods. Of course if I gain weight through that behaviour I get my goal back and I'm able to go back into weight loss mode once more, and the cycle continues... Why isn't staying slim and healthy and fit enough of a goal? Good question.
I'm not sure where any of that gets me. I don't plan on yo-yoing for the rest of my life just that I can satisfy my urge to splurge and then feel good about cutting back, and I'm not sure how to get myself out of that mind-set either. I am reading a book on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to see if that offers any help, which so far it hasn't, but I guess it makes it clear to me that I do have to do some work on the Healthy Mind part of my target - the bit that I often seem to forget ;-) Sometimes though I wonder if not analysing my every thought (about food) would be healthier and more likely to let me shrug off one misbehaviour without jumping straight in to another. Other times I think that would lead to disaster...
Also, just in case you hadn't noticed, I am weird. I mentioned in that earlier rant that I ate treacle tart at work yesterday because of a work thing they were doing. I got in this morning to find leftovers in the fridge, hence the less than innocent day today when I had a small piece of bakewell tart. It was yummy, though of course very sweet. There was also lemon cheesecake and more treacle tart (which I utterly adore) as well; I resisted them but of course then I knew they were in there and started obsessing about having to resist them. Then I heard one of the admin people here telling some of the staff that there were leftovers, and saw them heading that way, and I thought 'good, if I weaken there'll be a lot less that I can do to myself'. The next time I looked there was only a piece of cheesecake left, and I resisted it. When I went back to the fridge to get my lunch, it was gone. I felt free. Free??? I'm sorry, who exactly was forcing me to obsess about the stuff in the first place??? Weirdo…
Breakfast: All bran with berries
Lunch: Chicken veg barley soup with home-made spelt bread and LC
Dinner: Takeaway Chinese – King Prawns with baby corn and chinese mushrooms in spicy garlic sauce with plain boiled rice
Snacks: Greek yoghurt with fruit; Greek yoghurt with granola; a small slice of Bakewell tart