Monday, 12 July 2010

Today is a day for being a dumbass

I slept badly last night, and have fallen into my usual bad habit of boosting my energy with unhealthy food, so that I now feel like a total idiot with no self-control or sense.

I still don’t know why I’m struggling so badly with my eating, but I suspect its a slight underlying depression that I’m trying to eat. It makes me feel really stupid and inadequate, especially as so many of the weight loss / control blogs I read reveal that other people are so much more in control right now!

I dragged myself out of bed with great difficulty this morning. After breakfast etc I walked into town and back. The walk out was a lot cooler than its been lately because we had some rain this morning, but the sun came out and it warmed up a lot by the time I came home – or maybe I felt that it did because of the heaviness of my rucksack! From the time I got home I don’t think I’ve stopped eating. Actually I lie, I started eating on the way home, but did take an hour’s break this afternoon when I fell asleep on the sofa! Napping makes me grumpy and groggy so since I woke up I really haven’t stopped eating…. Eventually I just gave up trying to stick to my plan because I was feeling too much of a failure picking away while telling myself I was about to get back into it.  I’m definitely feeling myself sliding towards the kind of depressed self-contempt that leads to days of bingeing at the moment, and I don’t seem able to find a way out of it :-(

Food today:

Breakfast: Overnight oatbran and 2 dried apricots soaked with apple juice, greek yoghurt & cottage cheese then topped with sliced strawberries and seeds. I took a photo then accidentally deleted it!

Lunch: A chicken breast slow-cooked in white wine with mushrooms and leeks. It was seasoned with dried red chilli, herbe de Provence, salt & black pepper, and at the last minute I thickened the sauce with a wedge of LC. I served it with a raw spiralised courgette and asparagus & broccoli, both grilled. I have to say the chicken was delicious, the best no-recipe casserole-type dish I think I’ve managed.

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Dinner: Home-made oven chips and low fat sausages, with a poached egg and a wedge of buckwheat bread. (This was supposed to be a bowl of courgette and watercress soup according to my plan for the day.)  And I ate it at 3:20 pm in the hopes that it would fill me up enough to stop further eating. I am so ashamed of some of the things I seem to have to do just to stop myself from making a bad situation worse. Like the fact that right after I ate it I went upstairs and got into bed just to get away from the kitchen.

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Followed by a genuinely tiny amount of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia frozen yoghurt.

Snacks: A lemon & sultana danish pastry;

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a small spoon of peanut butter; a bran muffin, 3 slices of fruit bread, 4 small crackers with goats cheese and some strawberry flavoured liquorice.

Weight: 144.5lbs (10 st 4.5lbs)

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