I have recently realised that I am sick. Nuts. Twisted and weird. Not in a good way either. My blog title says that I am seeking a healthy mind and body, and my body is pretty healthy - though I still don't do any resistance or stretching, and the exercise I do get tends to be very low impact & samey - but my mind? I don't think I've made any progress on this side of the equation at all. None.
I am obsessed to a ridiculous degree with this whole weight loss / maintenance deal. I know that unless you strayed here because you did a search for twisted minds and have never seen this blog before this isn't really going to come as a shock to you, but I have been letting myself not really notice this for quite a while now and I finally realise that its time to take stock and try to do something about it. Because I am ruining a lot of things that should give me pleasure in life because of this obsession, and that is not healthy.
I approach holidays / vacations with dread because I know I will gain weight and already I feel like a failure. I have a folder in my Favourites on my browser called 'Eating Out' with links to restaurants that offer nutritional info on their food - even restaurants I've never been to, and ones that I don't want to go to. I have the same meal every time I get a takeaway (vegetable chow mein) or eat out (5 bean chili at Wetherspoons) because I'm freaked out by having to decide on a meal on the fly and possibly failing to spot the words 'smothered in cheese', 'deep fried', or 'stuffed with pure fat, coated in chocolate and THEN deep fried '...
I seem to have convinced myself that I can't enjoy a new food that I didn't cook for myself without triggering a binge or regaining 10 lbs in weight overnight. And that if I do binge or gain 10 lbs overnight the sky will fall on my head and I'll be whisked off to hell because I am evil. I even resent M having food or drink that I 'can't' have, when no-one is stopping me except myself. Its not fun and its not sexy and its such hard work.
I don't want to regain all my weight, but there is a part of my brain that realises I'd still be me if I did - sometimes considerate, caring, warm, sometimes lazy, selfish, thoughtless, always messy - but not fundamentally bad or undeserving of life or love.
I don't think less of people who lose and regain weight, don't lose weight, or lose weight and maintain that weigh loss - unless they're me.
I don't want to be that way any more. If nothing else, I'm too old to be investing so much energy in this one issue.
So I've reached a decision. I'm going to be cold turkey offline after today for at least 1 week, maybe as much as 2. In that time I also won't be weighing myself. I will photograph food that looks interesting, but I won't be recording it formally in my Food Diary on WLR.
I will be back, because blogging means a lot to me, and I hope I'll be back a calmer, less obsessed blogger. And one whose trousers haven't all mysteriously shrunk 3 sizes in the wash while I wasn't looking ;-). Who makes a salad because she likes salad, and doesn't weigh the lettuce...
Please keep your fingers crossed for me! There's a very good chance this won't work and I'll be just as crazy and obsessional when I get back... in which case I'll apologise in advance for the inevitable whinging!!!