Friday, 20 November 2009

An Unhealthy Mind

I have recently realised that I am sick. Nuts. Twisted and weird. Not in a good way either. My blog title says that I am seeking a healthy mind and body, and my body is pretty healthy - though I still don't do any resistance or stretching, and the exercise I do get tends to be very low impact & samey - but my mind? I don't think I've made any progress on this side of the equation at all. None.
I am obsessed to a ridiculous degree with this whole weight loss / maintenance deal. I know that unless you strayed here because you did a search for twisted minds and have never seen this blog before this isn't really going to come as a shock to you, but I have been letting myself not really notice this for quite a while now and I finally realise that its time to take stock and try to do something about it. Because I am ruining a lot of things that should give me pleasure in life because of this obsession, and that is not healthy.
I approach holidays / vacations with dread because I know I will gain weight and already I feel like a failure. I have a folder in my Favourites on my browser called 'Eating Out' with links to restaurants that offer nutritional info on their food - even restaurants I've never been to, and ones that I don't want to go to. I have the same meal every time I get a takeaway (vegetable chow mein) or eat out (5 bean chili at Wetherspoons) because I'm freaked out by having to decide on a meal on the fly and possibly failing to spot the words 'smothered in cheese', 'deep fried', or 'stuffed with pure fat, coated in chocolate and THEN deep fried '...
I seem to have convinced myself that I can't enjoy a new food that I didn't cook for myself without triggering a binge or regaining 10 lbs in weight overnight. And that if I do binge or gain 10 lbs overnight the sky will fall on my head and I'll be whisked off to hell because I am evil. I even resent M having food or drink that I 'can't' have, when no-one is stopping me except myself. Its not fun and its not sexy and its such hard work.
I don't want to regain all my weight, but there is a part of my brain that realises I'd still be me if I did - sometimes considerate, caring, warm, sometimes lazy, selfish, thoughtless, always messy - but not fundamentally bad or undeserving of life or love.
I don't think less of people who lose and regain weight, don't lose weight, or lose weight and maintain that weigh loss - unless they're me.
I don't want to be that way any more. If nothing else, I'm too old to be investing so much energy in this one issue.
So I've reached a decision. I'm going to be cold turkey offline after today for at least 1 week, maybe as much as 2. In that time I also won't be weighing myself. I will photograph food that looks interesting, but I won't be recording it formally in my Food Diary on WLR.
I will be back, because blogging means a lot to me, and I hope I'll be back a calmer, less obsessed blogger. And one whose trousers haven't all mysteriously shrunk 3 sizes in the wash while I wasn't looking ;-). Who makes a salad because she likes salad, and doesn't weigh the lettuce...
Please keep your fingers crossed for me! There's a very good chance this won't work and I'll be just as crazy and obsessional when I get back... in which case I'll apologise in advance for the inevitable whinging!!!
Stay Healthy

Chrissie xxx

5 comments:

  1. Have a nice break. Take a deep breath. Go out. Enjoy yourself.

    Please do come back and post all the interesting pictures you take of food... I adore your food pictures :)

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  2. Hi Chrissie. I was thinking that maybe you were going a little OTT until I read that you weighed the lettuce. If you are weighing lettuce then yes, things are serious. With a history of eating disorders spread over 22 years (including 3 rounds of anorexia) I can honestly say I have never weighed any lettuce.

    I'm guessing that this is a reaction, at least in part, to your upcoming holiday. Oviously if you are obsessed with counting every morsel that enters your mouth and then you face a period of time where you can't do that, it's bound to feel a bit frightening and worrying.

    You can carry on eating well and not weighing every last thing because you have the experience now of maintaining and of knowing what is the right amount for you to eat.

    It is possible to maintain without being obsessional over it. BUT it only works if you keep your body in mind when eating. Maintaining a decent weight does involve some level of effort. That's why 2/3 of British adults are overweight or obese.

    Just my opinion, and with safety in mind, the best thing would be to carry on eating as you normally do, but without logging any calories, and not weighing things unless necessary. I think you need to go slowly here and step away in stages from being too obsessional. I would not attempt to do the whole thing in one go. But that's just my take on it. I want you to be OK.

    I hope things go well for you while you're offline. I'll miss you very much!

    Bearfriend xx

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  3. We'll be here when you chose to come back.

    Hugs from across the miles,

    Roxie

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  4. Hi Chrissie. Hope you're doing well on your week off!

    I have an award for you over on my blog.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

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  5. I found your blog and this was the first entry I read, I have since read all of november. I think its understandable to be a bit on the obsessive and paranoid side when losing weight, I know I am. I dont want to undo any of the hardwork i've done this time round. Waay back I lost 9 stone, and then over the course of 2 years put 5 of those stone back on.
    Thankfully i'm going back down the scale now but putting on weight i've lost is a real fear of mine. I do think weighing lettuce is going a bit OTT, mainly cause I would like to see anyone put on weight from eating lettuce. But in the end I guess you need to find a way that you feel in control without having to be THAT in control.
    I look forward to reading your blog in the future when you return.

    Sammy

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