Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Shame, guilt and remorse?

Not so much actually - I still feel a lot better today than I did yesterday, so maybe I really needed a blow out? Plus despite what the calorie count tells me, last night didn't exactly fall into the pattern of my old binges - 1000 cals of wine is rare for me, and was even when I was binging, and replacing a healthy low cal meal with a much more calorific one for a change doesn't produce the same out of control feelings as standing in front of the fridge / freezer desperately looking for something - anything - to eat. I did make some decisions I regret - for one, if I could go back in time I'd walk the ~ 4.5 miles round trip instead of driving, and if I'd done that 1) I might have consumed fewer calories because walking has its own medicating effects and 2) I'd have burned off some of the calories I did ingest.
The scales this morning said I'd gained 3 lbs at 10 st 2. I do hate seeing the 10 at the front, even when I know exactly why, but I ate enough excess calories to gain 1 lb at most, and was in deficit prior to that so if I get back on the wagon the excess should swiftly disappear again. The only thing that doesn't cheer me in that thought is that I'm noticing a trend in my behaviour - I weigh in every day (thinking about changing that, but one step at a time) and I find myself having a reasonable weigh in on the Thursday / Friday, less pleasing ones for several days after that, then just about getting to the same point by the time my next 'official' weigh in comes along - or to put it another way, I'm running to stay in the same place. I've tried this before but I'm seriously considering a no-sugar pledge to try to help fight this, as I think it contributes to my occasional 'crazy heads'. I want to maintain my weight rather than lose more, and I know that's what my current behaviour is achieving if all you look at is the numbers on the scales / clothes labels, but it doesn't feel like a healthy sustainable lifestyle. It DOES feel like I'm making it more trouble and effort than its worth. Wouldn't it be better to eat more calories day by day, but get those calories from healthy, enjoyable, quality food in satisfying but not excessive quantities? Why yes, I think it would. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to enjoy a takeaway or meal out without feeling guilty because I 'should' be restricting my cals to make up for some other 'misbehaviour'? Yes again, I think. Wouldn't this help me to stop with the constant obsessing and occasional binging? Hmmmm. I think it would. Now I just need to translate these thoughts into actual action. Find a way to level out my intake instead of depriving myself 4 days a week to make up for slip ups on the other 3.
Food for today:
Oat & wheat bran cooked in water with a pinch of salt, cooled with a splash of soya milk and flavoured & thickened with a banana and some plain protein powder.
Cheese and pickle sandwich in wholemeal bread. After a bad day I feel the need for a little extra fat in my food, so today I'm scheduling it in instead of adding it in snack form
'Hash' of potatoes, sweet potatoes, onions, tofu, red & green pepper cooked in the slow cooker & served with 2 poached eggs.
It's not very pretty, but it tasted better than it looked, and not too 'heavy' on the stomach!
Fromage frais with peaches and raspberries, and an apple.

Today I am due to babysit my work experience boy. I've decided to see this as more of an opportunity - at least while he's here I won't be likely to eat all my snacks at record speed, and won't be able to go for any more. I have NO cash in my purse to spend in work, and no intention of going out to get any later. I usually manage to eat almost as much rubbish the day after as I do during a binge - even more so if alcohol as involved - but today I'm going to try something else - namely providing my body with healthy nutritious food that will fuel it to repair the damage inflicted yesterday. I'll let you know how it goes!

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