Thursday, 16 July 2009

I wish I hadn't done that.... any of that...

I confess, I weighed myself this morning. Baby steps.... or not, as I didn't like what I saw. 141 lbs (10st 1lb). If I'd weighed yesterday I might have seen a bigger number then, and be happier today; as it is I'm reconsidering my not weighing every day decision. The problem is I'm a little paranoid; my protein-loving husband has been trying for months to brainwash me into cutting the carbs; since deciding to up my calories (while keeping the sweet stuff out) I've seen my carbs creep up (although they're still generally only providing around 50% of my cals) and this is making me wonder if he's right. I'm very reluctant to believe it, because I do love my carbs.... but for months I've not eaten carbs at every meal, just breakfast & lunch, and stayed mostly below 10st; now that's changed. As I said, if I'd weighed yesterday I would know if my weight has been creeping up or if its heading down since Tuesday's excesses, but now I feel a bit adrift. Of course a more likely explanation might be that upping the calories while excluding sweet stuff has resulted in an increase in the food I'm eating & therefore the err 'undigested waste' I'm carrying around... Why didn't I think of that sooner, when it could have reassured me??? Instead of assuming that I'm gaining fat, even rather than retaining water???
Which is possibly part of the reason why I just binged again - and this time the sweet stuff was back with a vengeance! I'm so sick of myself right now... a jaffa cake bar was fine, only 129 cals. The carrot cake and crunchie bar though, are a different matter!!! What is wrong with me???? OK, I've been stressed for a couple of weeks trying to find out if my contract is being extended and today I found out that it was - but just for 4 weeks, and that means that I'll have to start chasing them again in about a week's time... still, that isn't an excuse for a binge-fest and I could just smack myself in the face for being so stupid and self indulgent. I wouldn't mind any of the snacks I had individually, but all of them together is just unbelievable. And I haven't much training time today either, so I can't even burn it all off later. Why oh why oh why am I so bl**dy stupid???
Kill me now....
Food today:
Weight Watchers Beans and sweetcorn on toast, topped with low cal cheddar. This was a nice change, but I think I over-did the cheese and as a result felt a little bit 'clagged up' by the end.
Greek pasta salad (link to yesterday's post) from yesterday. Nimble bread & laughing cow cheese.
Home-made vegetable soup to make up for binge-fest - but some crackers as well, to make it worse. cool about it now though, no guilt, no over-reaction. I might have a glass of wine later, and chill out a bit, and tomorrow its back to healthy eating for Chris!
Fromage frais with strawberries and raspberries
Unnecessary, stupid, annoying binge-eating:
100g carrot cake
1 Crunchie bar
1 jaffa cake bar
6 or 7 potato wedges before I came to my senses and threw the rest away
tiny bit of yoghurt with pineapple, kiwi fruit and grapes

Small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel: I'm finally learning not to eat until I'm stuffed even if I don't particularly like what I'm eating (even though I hate wasting food). The carrot cake was quite nice, but enormous - half the slice was enough so I threw the rest away.
The wedges were rubbish, so I threw most of them away.
The yoghurt with the fruit was so sour you'd think that not only didn't they add any sweetening, they actually managed to remove the natural sugar from the milk first - so that also got binned.
I've wasted far too much food (and by extension, money) today - but it would have been worse for me to have eaten it all.
Wouldn't it?
Yes, it would.
I think.
But so, so, so, so much better not to have bought it at all........ Maybe the fact that so much of it was rubbish also contributed to me buying so much... maybe if the yoghurt had been nice enough to finish I would have been satisfied sooner? I don't know. But I do know I need to figure out a better way to deal with not so very much stress than this.
One thing I am doing is rethinking my not weighing daily. I need it to stay accountable and aware of my eating. Until I can go for a few months without any binging, I think that experiment will have to wait. I WILL be weighing tomorrow - even though I know that after this little display of greed I won't be any happier with the results. In the meantime, I'm drinking gallons of water and herbal (rooibos) tea to flush myself out.
By the way, all the above actually puts me about 200 cals over for today. And leaves me still with a (tiny) deficit for the week if I stick to plan for the rest of the week - more if I train today, tomorrow and Saturday as well (without binging again obviously). So really I'm just a huge drama queen! My attitude towards food is clearly not healthy, but I'm not exactly eating myself into an early grave at the moment, and I can in fact claw back that number of cals this week with relative ease. Once again, I'm an idiot!!! Head bashing more or less over... now I've realised that I'm actually more bothered by my over-reaction than the initial splurge. I'm trying to un-demonise foods and stop living with a diet mentality, and I think I've proved today that needs some more work!
There are some bloggers in the world who have already got the brilliant, healthy, balanced attitude that I want to have towards food. I find them so inspiring... in particular, Kim, Kath, Heather, Monica, Jenna and Courtney, although there are many more. What I love about all of them is that they do eat real food, they don't feel they have to deprive themselves of the pleasure of eating good food, they keep fit, and look great - and none of it seems to be the source of massive angst, emotional self-flagellation, or guilt. When I grow up I want to be more like them! For now I'll settle for reading their blogs and envying them their balance! (and try not to hate them for being so comfortable in their bodies and their lives when they're all younger than me!)

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