Monday, 6 July 2009

Going nuts

I think I've finally cracked...
After months of battling binging last year, now I'm actually wanting to want to binge! I was planning a big day off the calorie watching today, and in the past that's always meant pigging out on a mixture of foods but with a heavy emphasis on chocolate biscuits. Today I had a chocolate mousse (topped with tiny bits of cadbury's flake and some chocolate sauce) at lunch time. After finishing it I felt a little bit ill - and no inclination to eat any more chocolate today. In fact I haven't even eaten the soup I had planned for lunch yet, and I don't really feel like it. That might very well not last, but at the moment I couldn't think of a chocolate treat that would tempt me - and I'm slightly disappointed about that!!! I think it's because when I was binging, regardless of how bad I felt afterwards, at the time I did feel some comfort. As well as a defiant 'that'll show 'em!' type feeling that didn't seem to depend on me being annoyed with anyone in particular so it makes no sense. I think it felt good to be self-indulgent and 'naughty' somehow, and nothing else offers similar feelings of comfort now that that has gone. Don't get me wrong, when going out or on holiday I suspect I'll still over-eat considerably, I haven't exactly learned self-control or lost interest in food - in fact my day-long slow nibbling at weekends proves that point - but the binging switch seems to be in the off position right now. And as I want a little comfort at the moment, I'm a little at a loss to know what to do instead. Booze doesn't do it (and god knows that's a substitution I really don't want to make); nor does trying to pamper myself with facials or nail varnish etc... a massage from someone else might do it, but with M at work, and our agreement not to spend unwisely, that's out of reach right now - along with one other activity that springs to mind... I do have a movie to watch tonight, so maybe I'll slap on a face mask and watch it with some air-popped pop corn and diet ginger beer (now that feels naughty even though its not!). A nice trashy horror movie (Jessica Alba in The Eye) when I should really be doing housework should definitely feel self-indulgent and naughty too!

Food today:
All bran with strawberries and plain low fat Fromage frais with peaches
Canned Spring vegetable soup; light rye bread with laughing cow; chocolate mousse (feel slightly nauseous now - is that the best I can do???)
Tofu with chilli sauce; lots of spinach with garlic
Fromage frais with raspberries; summer fruit smoothie; apple

Weight 9st 13 lb 4 oz (139.25 lbs) - nibbled too much yesterday I guess - and not enough fibre!

I did manage to get my appetite back after my walk. I had some nibbly raisins and frozen bananas, plus a smallish bowl of spelt muesli with skim milk for supper. I bought a bunch of fresh fruit to snack on but didn't bother.... so I ended up well under cals for the day

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