Monday, 19 August 2019

The longest Monday in history

OK, so I’m still overeating quite a lot. I’m not actually bingeing though – the desperation / urgency isn’t there which I consider to be a feature of bingeing. I’m very tired though, because Saturday night I was woken by fireworks and last night I just didn’t catch up. I felt quite unwell for a while this morning and considered going home - I was in the office, so I did get some exercise today – walking to the station and back, and walking around the city centre a little bit at lunchtime. I broke up the walks today with a couple of short jogging stretches to begin very lightly starting to try and run. It’s probably not structured enough to achieve real progress, but I have to start somewhere. Next week I’m visiting my dad in Lincolnshire for a week, leaving Saturday, and would be highly unlikely to keep it up anyway, so I’m not considering it really to be starting until afterwards anyway. Otherwise things seem more settled and less extreme too

Saturday, 17 August 2019

a post on Saturday???

In addition to buying starflower oil capsules I also picked up a multi vitamin and mineral that's supposed to help with the menopause, so we'll see if they help. I didn't buy the scotch I was thinking about getting, but there's plenty of weekend left.
I am feeling better now that I'm trying to figure out ways to support my body instead of just wallowing in the effects that are making it past the hrt. Thanks for the suggestions - please keep them coming if anything else comes to mind 😊
Yesterday I managed not to binge - in fact I didn't want to. I went shopping in my lunchtime and still didn't binge - sadly a rare combination of events, especially as I also didn't get any real exercise.
Today I will be walking into town for a hair cut, library visit, and shop. I hope not to go nuts during these activities. When I get home I plan to chalk my hair (probably lilac) and if the rain stays away, barbecue later. Oh yes, and launder stuff. I will be looking for running paraphernalia too as it feels like the easiest thing to try to introduce first.
Wish me luck!

Friday, 16 August 2019

Planning and hoping

I’ve added starflower oil to my shopping list. Also, some new running shoes (and insoles for my plantar fasciitis) and sports bras.
I’m working from home today and glad of it since the weather forecast looks like something Noah might recognise from the days right before casting off in the Ark. Heavy rain for most of the day, with occasional bouts of light rain for contrast, rinse and repeat.
I spent a bit a time yesterday looking up recommendations for diet with menopause, both for hormone balancing and to avoid / reverse weight gain. (I haven’t weighed myself for days because fear)
Unfortunately the recommendations seem to be for a higher carb diet than I’m comfortable with – emphasis on fibre and much use of the words legumes and grains. I may decide to try that as a temporary ‘medicinal’ diet, but it seems unlikely to reverse or resist my higher-carb binge trigger. I can’t see much about keto or low carb with relation to menopause though, so that might suggest it isn’t what I need at the moment. One thing in favour of increasing the fibre intake is that both anti-depressants and HRT can cause constipation, and in response to some mood swings I’ve been having I’ve increased my AD dosage which can only add to the problem, so perhaps that’s a reason to listen.

Thursday, 15 August 2019

Mumble Mumble

This is the third post I’ve written in the last 2 weeks. Maybe I’ll actually post this one instead of leaving it to rot in my Drafts folder. ETA : I guess I did!
I’ve been wallowing and I’m not afraid to admit it. All the normal causes of stress and depression have been compounded with my inbuilt depression and the M word and I’ve been having mood swings, crying jags, more binges, and homicidal rages - despite taking both antidepressants and HRT. I can only assume that without them I’d be a padded cell right now – or maybe a prison cell.
I spent some time avoiding the news and current affairs as best I could, and that just made my anxiety rise as I worried about what horrible things might be happening that could some day affect me because I wasn’t prepared. So I went back to Apple News just in time to read about the mass shootings in El Paso and Dayton. That went well. I may have chosen the wrong year to try to give up alcohol – and in the past week I have actually broken that twice, once with a miniature of sloe gin and once with a single can of beer. I’m considering buying some medicinal scotch at the weekend. I don’t want to take up drinking again, but… bingeing is NOT a healthier coping mechanism given how little I drink and how much I can eat.
I need to find a new and absorbing hobby to take my mind off things. Diane suggested clay pigeon shooting, which might be handy for blowing away the homicidal part of the mood picture… but its quite expensive around here. Part of me thinks running might be an idea – I think I’d be unable to focus on anything except the pain, and it might satisfy the flight part of my fight or flight reflex. The other part of me is fine with eating my own (increasing) bodyweight in cake and chocolate to see how quickly I can develop type 2 diabetes - it would be easier, if not kinder to my body.

Thursday, 25 July 2019

Posting from under the covers...

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse... have you seen the new Cabinet??? If you're American or Canadian it will probably just be a smaller Senate to you. To the Brits - try not to wake up screaming in the early hours, I expect I will!
I worked from home today. My back was bothering me after travelling to work on a small, overcrowded train yesterday morning, and the forecast high temperatures today didn't inspire me to soldier on regardless. Before I started work I went for a walk, to make the most of the (slightly more) moderate temperatures. I know I've been letting the pre-work walks slide for the last few weeks, either through pain or laziness, but I'm feeling more energetic now. I managed three miles in an hour, hardly top speed but I wasn't racing anyone. And its an improvement on the approx 750 steps I manage when working from home and not going for a walk!
I then made the mistake of watching lots of videos of the Mueller testimony in the US. To an outsider its astonishing Trump hasn't been impeached, and the more I see or read the more amazing it is. I hope our parliament doesn't let things go so far before they start seriously clipping BoJo's wings - and those of his far right Cabinet. But I'm not holding my breath, mainly because I don't actually know what would be a better situation right now.

Wednesday, 24 July 2019

BoJo drove me to drink

Haven't drunk since February 9th - today I did. In extreme moderation and as a one off (unless he does 'deliver' a no deal brexit, in which case all bets are off) consisting of two glasses of very uncelebratory prosecco.
In his first speech he used the words dude, awesome foursome, and (I'm told) doomsters and gloomsters.
He doesn't even speak English.... I think I made up uncelebratory but I'm not 'leading the country' and don't have a public school education. He should know some big REAL words.

Tuesday, 23 July 2019

An evil, crazy clown man is the next PM...

So it really happened. Boris Johnson won the leadership contest. Deep down I was hoping all the ballot papers would be spoilt but I suppose the kind of people willing to pay their dues and sign up wouldn't do that.
M described it as living in the Twilight Zone. Which makes me want to get out.

Yesterday was nice after I posted to get things off my chest. (and thank you guys for cheering me up - you are all lovely ladies) I didn't have any set in stone plans for my day off, so my father in law, S, picked me up at 10 and we went to walk around a local park which was built around some lakes created from an old coal pit. It was warm enough, but not hot, and not too bright, so we didn't get sunburned or dehydrated. Which is good since we walked about 7.5 miles in total. We talked about all manner of stuff including politics and the state of the world but without getting me all upset and het up about personal stuff, so that was also good.
The rest of the day was restful, peaceful and relaxing. I cooked a little, nothing much, didn't binge, didn't cry, read a good book, took it easy, watched a bit of tv. Not necessarily a very productive day - though I did do some laundry - but a nice day anyway.
Today was hot and stressful. I went to the office on a hot smelly train (let's just say that the guy next to me needed better deodorant) and worked my ass off. After lunch we were given free ice creams because it was so hot. And then another uncomfortable train ride. Because of the heat I couldn't walk to the station - well I could have but walking home again would have been a problem - so I drove. And was grateful all the way home.