Monday, 11 February 2019

Stupidity alert

I’ve been wallowing in misery again, sorry guys. Last week it was apathy and lacking energy, then over the weekend it was full on sobbing, melting down and wishing for death. Partly because I very stupidly got drunk on Saturday (100% comfort drinking) and then, because my tolerance is less than it was due to less drinking, partly because LCHF diets seem to cause reduced tolerance, I was up all night Saturday throwing up and in bed all day yesterday.
Which is annoying on many levels, not the least that Sunday was wasted and I don’t have enough free time to go wasting a whole day like that.
This morning I was determined to make an attempt on starting the day more positively in terms of attitude, so I spent the hour or so after my alarm went off and before I left the house trying to be positive and pro-active. I was so busy being positive and pro-active that I was practically in Cardiff before I remembered that I had booked today as a day off weeks ago. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying.
Anyhow given that I was in the outskirts of Cardiff already I went on into work and requested to change the day’s leave for next Monday. I am very sure that I won’t forget again.
Very very very very sure.
This morning never really recovered from that annoying start. Hardly surprising all things considered, that I spent the whole thing wishing it was home time (that’s not really very different from most other days if I’m honest).

Wednesday, 6 February 2019


All morning (in between working really, really hard obviously) I was watching for the magpies in ‘my’ tree outside ‘my’ window. Just as I was convinced that they’d been scared off by the big ugly crow that attacked yesterday I finally saw one departing from the tree. Maybe they’ve become ninja magpies to protect the sanctity of the nest. Maybe I’m going just a tiny bit crazy.
I’m sleeping badly again and tired all the time, so maybe I’m not crazy, just delirious through sleep deprivation. I can listen to a sleep hypnosis / nature sounds recording to get to sleep and it generally does send me of quite quickly, but I wake up ridiculously early every morning – regardless of the time I go to sleep. I think maybe its lack of any consistent exercise but I struggle to fit anything useful in around my bad back and the 11 hours a day I spend on work + commute, not counting time spent on getting ready for the day in the morning and getting ready for tomorrow in the evening. I know, I know, I just have to commit and follow through, but… meh. It’s so much easier to say that than it is to put it into action. There’s lunchtime – but that is my writing time. I guess I would have to get up earlier, which you would think would be easy considering that I wake up so early, but groggy. Always groggy.

Maybe I’ll start tomorrow. Except I won't, because I was close to tears of pain on the train home thanks to my stupid back.

Tuesday (late again)

Sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed everyone knew what nerf wars are just because I work in an industry that appeals to children in adult bodies! Nerf gun are toy guns that fire foam, rubber tipped ‘dart’ or bullets. Nerf wars is exactly what you’d expect to happen if a bunch of immature nerds are encouraged to bring nerf guns into a workplace full of other immature nerds… Generally a total free for all, occasionally people join up into teams to create the most chaos possible. That somewhat jaundiced explanation comes straight from my prejudice against the whole business, if you didn’t guess. 
Welcome to my nightmare. I admit I may be over—reacting slightly but as a person who’s been wearing glasses since she was 5 and would struggle to get home without them, any ‘fun’ activity that involves flying projectiles capable of knocking off my glasses leaves me cold, and makes me cringe into a protective ball.
Nightmare #2 today. My department is looking to recruit, and I’ve been asked to complete some internal training so that I can take part in the interview process. Hello? Have we met? I hate asking questions more than any other element of social interaction with human beings. Dammit.
OK, that’s the moaning portion of the post out of the way… or is it? Probably not. I also had another rubbish train journey to work this morning. And I’m still aching. Let’s be honest, the moaning portion of the post isn’t over until the post is over.
But I will leave you with a question. I’m wondering about the lamps for SAD and I’m kind of undecided if I believe in them or what I would expect them to achieve. Any comments, endorsements, or criticisms of them would be gratefully received.
Today the magpies in the tree outside my window were attacked by a pair of very much larger crows. I don’t know if they’ve actually laid eggs yet or if they’re still in full nest building stage – they are still bringing twigs over – but the crows seemed very interested in the nest. Fingers crossed they’re not dining on magpie eggs tonight…

Monday, 4 February 2019

Yet another Monday

I dragged myself into the office today after approx. 12 hours of rain cleared all the snow and ice away. I’m sure you didn’t expect this, but I didn’t really want to go in – I just couldn’t justify staying home again. Though travelling in one the charmingly overcrowded Transport for Wales train should have provided excuse enough. One of the first things I saw when I got back into the office was an email (from my manager – so there’s someone I can’t go to about this) about planned nerf wars in the office. If you like ‘playing’ with nerf guns, stop reading now but feel free to tell me why you do like them, because I hate, hate, loathe and despise them and see literally nothing fun about nerf wars, nerfing, or sitting at my desk worrying about stray darts knocking my glasses half-way across the room, and I don’t want any part of them.
I wanted to scream when I read the email and I plan to remove myself from the vicinity if necessary – even if that means hiding in the bathroom for an hour. One of the things I liked about this company compared to some I’ve worked at before was that it didn’t encourage nerf guns. Coming at a time when I’m already wallowing in negativity, this is making me even more negative. How is a person supposed to ever leave their house with so many encouragements to stay home and batten down the hatches?
Even the view from my new window (it’s still new to me after the amount of working from home I’ve done lately) didn't cheer me up. And several of my otherwise intelligent colleagues are already getting excited for the battle. Is it really just me? I don’t feel like I’m unusually fun-free and tight-assed (although that may just be a sign that I’m both) but I rarely find people who hate them as much as I do so maybe I am. Or maybe, despite the odds being against me, I’m RIGHT and everybody else is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
Ah well, it didn't happen today and the very full calendars of some team members suggest that it will be a few days. Fingers crossed I can avoid the hilarity without having to throw a hissy fit...

Friday, 1 February 2019


Wow, I haven’t posted since Monday and hadn’t even realised it. This is not depression or not only depression, as  not exactly filled with the joys of spring – just that I’ve been working from home all week, so have very little to say, and all the days blended into one, so I didn’t realise how much I hadn’t been saying it :).
Last night it snowed, though the forecasts made it look like snowmageddon and it really doesn’t measure up to that. A lot of people didn’t make it into the office though, as you would expect in a country like Wales with lots of fairly isolated towns in a landscape that can be pretty inhospitable when the weather turns nasty. I can’t get to the nearest clear road because of my specific house set up – the hills, the rear access lane serving very few houses so not treated etc. – and my (husband’s) choice of a rear wheel drive car that is rubbish on icy roads. I made the choice to take no risks and just stayed off the roads and in the house. By the time it got dark a lot of the snow had melted but we're due more icy temperatures overnight so who knows if it will clear or refreeze...
I have lost a couple of pounds over the last week or so after plateauing for a million years. Who knew weight could go down as well as up??? I haven’t been training thanks to my back, in fact this week I’ve barely left the house. I knew training was inefficient for weightloss, but apparently not training is the only thing that works for me. And fresh air, snow, sunshine and rain are all fattening.
Also Headspace started demanding money from me so I'm back to just listening to waves crashing onto beaches to get to sleep; it's not as good. Are there any other good freebies I should know about?

Monday, 28 January 2019

Monday again?!?

My weekend was quiet and not very exciting – I watched a couple of movies and walked to the shops on Sunday; didn’t walk anywhere Saturday because it just rained all day without apparently pausing for breath.
Today from .my. new window I saw a magpie nest building and a patch of blue sky. Then I saw heavy dark clouds replace the blue patches. I’m told that in a little while I might be able to watch the great Squirrel / Magpie War of 2019 – apparently it happens every year.  Probably not this week given the forecast shows sleet and show for most of the week.
I didn’t write much today because I’m feeling a bit lacking in energy today. Not depressed, just tired and very achy – my back is killing me, and I left the office early to work from home this afternoon. I have written over 8000 words since rediscovering my mojo though, so I’m not too sad about that.

Friday, 25 January 2019

Thursday (but late)

Back in the office today and the first order of business on arrival was a desk move. Why are companies (IT companies? I don’t know if its industry specific or not) so keen on desk moves? We seem to have major rearrangements every 6 months or so, with some people moving around in smaller one in between. My new desk is by a window!!!And while the nearest window by my old desk looked at an empty pub and an office block built in the brutalist style, I have trees outside my new window – and if I look down enough, even a stream / smallish river! It’s like being given back the natural world. I can see the sky… and even though the fluorescent lights are reflecting off my keyboard making it very difficult to see the letters, I can see natural light outside! The new desk is also far too far from the coffee and tea making facilities, but I’m trying to look at that as an excuse for exercise rather than an inconvenience.
Also, more writing at lunchtime today, the only downside with that being having to stop writing and return to the real world afterwards.
The depressed mushroom is definitely seeing a glimmer of light now :).