Wednesday, 25 April 2018

Not so whole 30

So, I planned to be whole 30 all day, with soup for breakfast again. This time the soup wasn't based on a recipe, but I has some on Monday and it was fine. This morning not so much. Is it over cooking that makes soup taste oddly... Vinegary? It certainly didn't improve with keeping like most soups do.
Anyway,, I was in work when I tried it and desperate, so I breakfasted on scotch pancakes left over from yesterday's free breakfast treats. So annoying.
Joy, I can't put the recipes on here as they aren't mine, but the pesto (dairy free) and mayonnaise, plus the soup (silky zucchini soup) can all be found online at the website along with many other great recipes. I'd link them directly but I have problems inserting links into posts written on my phone, sorry!
Diane, I'll definitely look out for that TED Talk (I love TED Talks). I've read a little bit about the effects of diet on mood and mental health and I don't doubt it's real. Unfortunately I've seen articles advocating a vegetarian diet, a carnivorous diet, and everything in between so my problem so far has been figuring out which one would be right for me! I need someone to test my blood and magically tell me what to eat, I think. Along with locking me up so I have to follow their instructions.

Anyway, so, food today:
Breakfast: broccoli and cauliflower soup (three mouthfuls) followed by scotch pancakes and fruit,and a hard boiled egg
Lunch: grilled chicken thighs with courgetti in pesto sauce
Dinner: pan fried venison steak with Mediterranean roast vegetables
Snack: hopefully none, but knowing me, having started the day with refined carbs... All the other carbs in Cardiff. I'll let you know later.

PS it's M's birthday so if there should be some carbs I won't be as judgey as usual

Tuesday, 24 April 2018


The sunny weather didn't last long, did it?
Very uneventful day today. I did resist an opportunity to pig out on free carby breakfast treats at work today. And not because I was uninterested in the treats, either.
I was strong. Maybe tomorrow I will be strong again. Or maybe not.

Food today:
Breakfast: Gingered courgette soup, a hard boiled eggs and some fruit
Lunch: chicken and broccoli with homemade pesto mayonnaise
Dinner: whole 30 beef with cashews

Monday, 23 April 2018

Damn, I did it again

Please don't think that because I keep disappearing without a trace that I don't appreciate your comments and spending your time reading and thinking up ways to help me fix my crazy brain - I really really do!
I'm still in a bit of a funk so I'll just rush through a quick summary of the week.
Wednesday - just a bit dull, with ongoing headache and backache and angst. Overate of course, starting with a free Greggs breakfast roll because my manager wanted to treat the team.
Thursday - really fed up, headache, backache, desperate desire to run away from my life.
Friday - very bad backache (probably exacerbated because I walked from the train station Thursday evening doing a duck impression due to blisters on the little toe of both feet) and still that niggling headache. I worked from home and rested NY back.
Saturday - back felt better, so I took a shorter walk in different shoes - and carried back too much shopping, which of course meant more backache later. I spent the afternoon doing some food prep for the whole 30 / making compliant mayonnaise, pesto and 3 flavours of homemade 'sausage' as well as some chicken stock to be turned into soup on Sunday.
Sunday was going to be the first whole 30 day. I got up, and had homemade sausage with soft fried eggs. 2 hours later that niggling headache I've deliberately mentioned in tedious detail decided to finally mutate into a full on skull piercing migraine - complete with near-projectile vomiting and the loss of my breakfast. I then lay down for the rest of the morning, and my lunchtime I was hungry - no breakfast, remember - and feeling better than I had for almost 2 weeks. This quite likely supports Diane's hormonal connection as I was particularly prone to migraines in my hormonal teens, almost monthly in fact...
Anyhow. Sunday afternoon I watched TV and made two vegetable soups but didn't really stick to the whole 30 after the disruption of the early sickness. I felt like I really wasted the lovely sunny day as I never went outside - I'm quite light sensitive around migraines.
That brings me to today - I hadn't booked the day off, and I was so happy about that decision given how little of my Sunday was really utilized. I had some boring chores to do - laundry, hoovering and the never ending dishwasher duty - but I also managed a five mile walk (no back pain) to my nearest Lidl (I prefer the closer Aldi). It was intermittently sunny and warm, but very chilly when the sun went behind the clouds, and I had no time constraints so I really enjoyed it even though I actually just  walked to my usual train station and then carried on for another half mile or so.

Good things: the headache is gone!!! And with it a lot of the drive to eat badly.
I really like my homemade mayonnaise and pesto - they're delicious (both recipes from Well Fed / Well Fed 2 by Melissa Joulwan)
Sunny (or at least light) mornings
Last week was my first anniversary as a permie employee, and despite my frequent whingeing I like it much more than I ever expected to.

Food today:
Breakfast: a little pork mince sautéed with peppers and onion, with a couple of eggs poach/fried in with it
Lunch: broccoli and cauliflower soup and some melon and cashews
Dinner: homemade fajita seasoning I made this afternoon on a mix of beef mince, peppers and onions  accompanied by Avocado, tomatillo salsa and a little homemade mayo to cool it down, on a bed of romaine lettuce leaves
Snack (you're not supposed to snack, ideally, but it takes time to get the meal size right) 2 kiwi fruit

Tuesday, 17 April 2018


I was hoping that I was on the way up last week but apparently what I had thought was to keep bottom was actually on a narrow ledge alongside a further drop and I wasn't pointing in the right direction after all.
I binged yesterday and that was after overeating all weekend.
It seems to me that my off switch was turned to the on position and then snapped off so I couldn't use it.
I have no sense of moderation. If I try to restrict I hope crazy. If I don't try to resist I feed my cravings and go crazy.
But if I'm trying to restrict at least some of the time I'm not actually trying to explode myself.
I'm going to try to do a whole 30 again starting at the weekend (so I can get my weekly shop on Friday to stock up for it) and I hope by then I might manage to convince myself I haven't already failed at it.
I've had a niggling not too bad headache for about a week and I'm losing the will to live.
Perhaps I need to be locked in a padded cell with a slot in the door allowing only real, healthy nutritional food in. Does anyone have such a room? I only need it for a month or two. Or three.

ETA Food today :
Breakfast : 2 hard-boiled eggs with packaged salad and commercial caesar salad dressing (I know that's not the best choice and plan to make my own for the whole 30)
Lunch : aldi skinny Thai carrot soup followed by fat free greek yogurt and raisins
Dinner : homemade sausage and bean casserole with broccoli
Snacks: watermelon fingers, satsuma and apple

Thursday, 12 April 2018

Overwhelming desire to hide

I'm feeling really down again today. Fighting the urge to walk out of the office, hit the road and just keep going - or run home and hide under the covers.
Not sure why I'm feeling this way - but fighting it.

Wednesday, 11 April 2018


I completely forgot about posting yesterday. There was a time it was a habit, but my increasingly sporadic posting over the last year or so seems to have broken that habit. If only it were that easy to break bad habits - bingeing and complaining and self-pitying, for instance.
Nothing interesting happened yesterday mind you, so it's not entirely surprising that I forgot. When there's no real high or low lights in a day, the whole thing just slips away almost unnoticed.
Sometimes a lack of interesting stand out moments in a day is a good thing though, so I'm not complaining.I didn't have a horrible day. I wasn't suicidal or even particularly miserable.
I didn't sleep at all well, and this morning I desperately wanted to stay in bed when my alarm went off. But I had booked a place on a work-provided seminar on breast awareness with a physical examination to follow so I felt I had to go in. I walked to the station (through pouring rain of course) and attended the seminar, which was useful even if it did include a little sales talk (it was being given by staff from a local private clinic). 
Even with that I managed to do some writing, plus some work, and it turned out to be a productive day, which does boost my mood. So Yay.

Monday, 9 April 2018

Frustrating weekend

I didn't enjoy the weekend much, through external issues and my continuing to struggle with the food thing.
On Saturday I went into town good and early to get my hair cut. It was pouring with rain so I wasn't particularly happy about it, but I look like a fat overgrown bush at the moment so had no choice. I still look like that though, because the Hairdresser I previously used has stopped offering the service I previously got - just a dry cut -- and I sulkily walked out without getting it done when they told me that I'd have to have a cut and blow dry. That might sound over the top, but it annoys me to be told that because they feel like it I have to pay more for extra services I don't want - primarily because I get back ache from the hair washing. I once tried bending forwards rather than back and although I was uncomfortable I didn't get back ache - instead I got an ear infection from water trapped in the ear.
So I'm still a mess and seriously considering borrowing M's clippers (with a plan B involving wearing a hat every day).
Considering how much I hate getting my hair cut that seemed insult to injury.
My second source of frustration was inside our house. When we bought it it had one full bathroom plus an extra toilet in a room to small for a sink as well. We found a unit comprising lavatory and wash basin in one - the sink is above the cistern and actually helps fill the cistern. So M (a little) and his father (mainly) have been transforming that room and I am stunned into disbelief by the amount of rubbish and dust it's produced. It's still not quite finished but we're holding off on the last bits to see if we can get a water meter fitted so thankfully by yesterday afternoon we were able to clear some of the mess for a period at least.
You can probably imagine though, that this did not lead to a restful or relaxing weekend.

Things I'm glad about :
1) at least we have two working lavatories again. (I forgot to say that at one point we had none due to a valve being offended by the water being switched off)
2) a horrible figure appeared on the scales this morning so I'm motivated for weight loss now
3) a pause in the chaos of DIY

That's all I've got today...