Monday, 23 January 2017

Catch up again

Friday I didn't do anything. I only popped out of the house once - straight up the hill to the corner shop so I could top up the booze, apart from that nothing at all.
On Saturday M's parents came over. He picked them up at 11 so I had time to make a couple of trips to the council recycling site first (it's one of those centres where I'm pretty sure they dump everything into the same landfill when everyone's gone home 😒 but you can only do your best). I had picked up lots of stuff for a buffet style lunch which went down well though I'd over-catered as always. After that my father in law and I went for a long walk in the hills so that I would be exhausted again. And I was, despite a small break in a pub for refreshment. But the good side of that was I slept like the dead Saturday night - usually I really don't sleep well when they come over because of all the activity and noise.
Sunday was another do nothing day. I spent the majority of it lying on the bed reading a library book or watching Midsomer Murders. Really relaxing and a good recovery time from the walk the day before. Also eating loads of carbs because I 'had' to eat up some of the buffet ingredients. The rest I will bin even though I don't link throwing food away - but if I don't want to eat it, forcing myself is no less a waste. Next time I'll try to buy less.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

So tired

I spent this afternoon walking around Cardiff before meeting an agent to discuss my job situation. Between that and the walk to and from the train station I thoroughly over did things without realizing it. It was interesting to go back after not visiting the city for about 7 years and I was revisiting places I used to go to all those years ago - but it added up to over 8.5 miles and once again I was poleaxed afterwards.
As I was returning home on the train I got an email from M's father proposing a stroll up Penyfan - that's a mountain - tomorrow. For once I put sanity ahead of my long term desire to do that walk and asked for a rain check. I don't think I'll be going far tomorrow...

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Doing a bit Better

After I posted yesterday I walked to another local library (via an unplanned detour because Google maps went weird and confusing - or maybe that's my sense of direction) where I got more books than I planned. I walked home carrying said books, and when I got back I collapsed of knackeredness because I'd walked further and carried more than I really should have.
Last night I slept amazingly well - a combination of exhaustion and Night Nurse knocked me out - and this morning I woke up feeling at least 60% human, which was a big improvement I can tell you. Today I managed to get a walk this morning so I wouldn't be suicidal, but didn't walk an excessive distance, mostly stayed on the flat (as much as you can in this part of Wales) and only carried a manageable amount so I still feel much better.
I also feel more cheerful after M surprised me yesterday with a present.

Isn't it beautiful? Even I can't be depressed looking at that!
I'm also feeling more in control of my eating now - I'm not being ridiculously stringent or anything, but I haven't binged for several days now and the majority of what I've eaten has been unprocessed, which definitely helps. I want to thank Joy, Diane, Deniz and Rachel for your comments on my rambles over the last week. It does help when I'm depressed, and when I'm struggling with my health, to have your encouragement and warmth showing me that I'm not on my own and I really do always appreciate your general loveliness, even if I don't always say it!

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

I've not been very well

Some kind of cold-like bug that was hanging around in the background last week, hit hard Saturday night, and prevented me visiting my mum on Sunday, thereby making me depressed as well. I suppose my appalling eating several times last week may have been due to my misreading of the signals my body was sending me to say it had a need to fight off the infection or something. Anyway I never set one toe outside the house on Sunday - in fact I stayed in bed most of the day and only got up for the bathroom, food, or to avoid bed sores - and yesterday I felt much better though not 100%. I walked to Aldi - about a mile each way - and did some speculative shopping there. I've been used to shopping at Tesco every week but now we are so close to an Aldi I want to see if I can replace a lot of my shopping there to save money. I bought a little more than I intended and after carrying it home I was knackered for the rest of the day. This morning I feel better than yesterday morning but not 100% so I'll see how the day unwinds but maybe be a little less ambitious in terms of carrying stuff if I go out for a walk later.
Also yesterday we got blinds fitted on the downstairs windows. Because it's a (dormer) bungalow with the main bedrooms on the ground floor I haven't been comfortable opening the curtains since we moved in - delivery men and visitors actually walk past the bedroom windows on the way to the front door - so we've been living in artificial light since we moved in. Now that we have vertical blinds I'll be able to open the curtains and let some natural light in at last, thank God - I am not a fan of artificial light generally, or of having to pay for electricity when its daylight outside. I guess that might have contributed to my low mood the last couple of weeks.

It's very grey but this is a picture of the view from my dining room window, taken while the curtains were open for the blind fitting. 

Saturday, 14 January 2017


I walked 8 miles yesterday.
But I ate 23400000 calories of mostly crap. I feel fat, bloated and sick - of myself 

Thursday, 12 January 2017

And another missed day

Weirdly I find it easier to remember to post - and think of something to post about - when I'm working and should be too busy than when I have all day. I guess it's true that routine and structure are useful.
On Tuesday I did my hand over at 9:30 am and then had nothing specific to do until I met M at 4pm. If we'd been staying in the area another night I would have used the time wisely by going to London or Reading but I knew that the drive home would take over 2 hours (it was actually over 2.5 in the end) and I was determined not to take any chances on being late to meet him. So I caught the next train back to Feltham and killed some time in the library before grabbing a gluten laden lunch at Subway and heading towards his office. There's a country Park just down the road and I planned to spend a bit of time there before meeting him. But I've been struggling a bit with the old depressive tendencies lately and by the time I reached the park I didn't really feel like walking aimlessly around so instead I was daft enough to wander into the adjoining cemetery. Old cemeteries full of illegible gravestones can be attractive I think, but unfortunately this one was still in use and the first gravestone I looked at was for a 6 year old girl. Given that I was already feeling down I should have stayed out in the first place or left straight away but instead I kept reading stones and getting gradually more teary until I finally found my senses (and a lichgate) and left.
After that I had a brief look at a pretty lake to try to clear my mind before heading to a cafe in the business park where M works and just camping there with my Kindle until he finished work. Then, of course, the trek home began and by the time we took delivery of our Chinese takeaway we were both pretty shattered. Yesterday I did take a short walk - nothing exciting sadly. I was reading a book as I went - a library book, one of the ones supposedly written by Richard Castle of the TV show Castle - and I popped into a convenience store where I ended up chatting for 15 minutes about murder mystery books and shows with the shopkeeper - which cheered me up quite a bit. I love talking about books, especially with people who have similar taste to me. And Enz and Deniz, I haven't forgotten being asked who my favourite author is :-) I was tempted to come up with something impressive, literary and life affirming so that you might believe I am an intellectual but I think that ship probably already sailed (and sunk), plus I couldn't carry it off! I read purely for pleasure and love murder mysteries, thrillers, science fiction and fantasy. I also enjoy autobiographies by comedians. My favourite (living) author is Nora Roberts (not her early slushy romances but her suspense thrillers and supernatural thrillers) aka JD Robb, and the book I was talking about was a JD Robb futuristic murder mystery. I would love love love to hear from you all what authors you would recommend as I do enjoy trying new writers - feel free to try to improve my mind if that's what floats your boat!

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Missed another day...

I'm in a hotel room in Feltham right now. If you're interested, this is definitely not a holiday destination. Today we hand the keys back for the rental so I came up with M yesterday (he works in the area a couple of days a week) and we'll head back to Wales tonight.
Yesterday I had to get up at 4 for the journey up and my stupid brain was stressing over the possibility of over sleeping so decided it was better - you know, safer- to just wake up at 2 and stay that way. I'm also catching a cold. Between those two factors and the rain, I didn't enjoy yesterday much, felt like crap all day, ate crap all day, and spent several hours just hiding in the local library instead of my planned long walk. In the evening we went to Nando's - which is gourmet food by Feltham standards - and then watched a little TV before I had an early night.
Today I'm going to the rental to take meter readings and hand over the keys. That should be done by 9:30. M finishes work at 4 so I have quite a while to try to entertain myself. I have a feeling that it's likely to be another annoying day because I'll be focused on not risking getting stuck anywhere and failing to meet him at the office. At the moment I can't even decide whether to have breakfast in Feltham or Bracknell. Or just live off the 6 inches of fat I've added around my bum, which could support a family of four for years but I need things to do with the day so probably I won't do that. At least the weather forecast is better for today - the logistics I have to carry out for the above plans have at least 4 miles of walking built in and I would prefer not to have to do it in the rain.