Friday, 21 October 2016

Still here kind of

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments on Wednesday (and thanks Diane for the biggest laugh I've had for weeks :-)). Every time my brain starts circling the drain I forget how much it helps to hear from you all and all I want to do is hibernate and wallow but I still love you all!
Yesterday was fairly quiet, a couple of quick dashes out to Tesco and the library in the morning interspersed with studying, and a headache in the afternoon that put a stop to the studying for the rest of the day. I've had to put a hold on the online classes just for fun so I can focus on the professional certification I want to get - which is not as dull as I feared, but not as interesting as just picking something that sounds good. I'm basically just reading the recommended book and trying out sample tests in preparation for doing the exam at some point soon; there are training courses but they cost hundreds of pounds and I don't know for sure that it will help me find a job, so I'm being frugal about it.
In between doing that we have to plan our next house move, which is proving difficult. Our landlord wants a rent increase that we think is excessive so our tenancy will end in January and we are either moving locally - within this part of Berkshire - or moving back to Wales. How do you plan for such different destinations??? Getting stressed just thinking about it! One thing we are sure of is that we're not DIYing it this time regardless of how far we move. So that won't be cheap. We really need to stop moving all the time and settle down somewhere - I'm sure I'd be 20lbs lighter and feel 15 years younger without all this mucking around. 
Anyway. Feeling calmer, no desire to binge, still not really motivated by the weight loss battle but a little less emotional about it as well. Some of that is more positive than other bits, so I'm trying to focus on those for now. And reading my damn textbook.

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

Errr... Remember me?

Last week I had nothing to say. Not even complaining - which I can almost always do. I thought about it every day and then I wallowed in apathy instead (I would say struggled with apathy but I wasn't capable of being that energetic)

I didn't think of it as being depressed since it lacked the usual edge of anger and despair but of course now I'm looking back at it that's exactly what it was. And looking back further to this time last year and the year before I see a pattern I'd never noticed before reading a post by Rachel that makes me think I may have a form of SAD - I seem to get depressed at this time over and over and have more than once started taking antidepressants somewhere between mid September and mid November. Now I'm going to be taking Vit D supplements and I'm considering buying a SAD lamp for light therapy. I'm held back by being very unsure if I believe it works so if anyone has used one before I'd love to hear your opinions. Assuming of course anyone is left reading this after my abandonment.

In other news that might improve my mood (TMI alert - if you're squeamish or male you may want to stop reading now) yesterday I had my contraceptive implant removed from my arm. I've waited months and months for things to settle down and last week I decided not to wait any more. I got it because I occasionally had trouble remembering to take the pill every single day. I didn't do enough research up front though, and when I started suffering from the most common side effects - periods that last weeks or months - it seemed worth letting it 'bed in' rather than knee-jerk demanding it was taken straight out. After having TTOM for about 8 weeks total in a 3 month period I went to the doctor and he prescribed me the pill to get that under control. So now I was on massively higher doses of the hormones. And still having to remember to take the pill (although the risk of missing it meant a risk of a period not the risk of a baby) And after a couple of months the pills stopped suppressing the side effects anyway. Side effects that actually prevent you having sex obviously make it a very very very very good contraceptive but kind of remove the whole point of being on the contraceptive in the first place! Now it's gone and having a doctor dig it out of my arm under local anaesthetic (not literally dig - but it did put up a fight) is a small price to pay. I hope not overdosing on hormones will improve my mood (not yet but my levels probably haven't dropped much since 10:30 yesterday morning) and also, if I'm lucky, take the edge off the mind numbingly slow and frustrating process of weight loss since I came off the mirtrazapine. While I didn't binge during my time offline, diet and training definitely were not close to being a priority. Yesterday AND Monday we had takeaways for dinner and I was not gluten free either. So I have probably undone several weeks worth of dieting in 2 days given how slow my progress has been. I'm slightly afraid to weigh myself in case depression at the number on the scale leads to a comfort binge. 
God I'm a mess.
I bet you wish I'd stayed offline... 

Friday, 7 October 2016


I've been a bit down today for some reason. Probably just the ongoing unemployed angst. I managed to force myself to train and did a massive 10 push ups (realising that I currently need rest days between doing them as my chest and shoulders were tired and sore)
Then I spent the rest of the day indoors, reading and watching TV, and not going out because I didn't trust myself. It's so lovely knowing your own brain is likely to screw with you if you dare to treat it like a grown up big girl brain... 

Thursday, 6 October 2016


Well, I'm not getting the second interview for the job in Cardiff. I fluffed one of the questions he asked and apparently it mattered quite a bit to them. A couple of hours after getting that news a different agent called me to say that a client of his I'd also applied to - also a permie job in Cardiff - wants to interview me next week so there are still options open (but this one is at a lower salary). This company might offer some training that I just won't get as a contractor - no one hires a contractor then pays for them to be trained and take that new skill with them when they leave. I've considered paying for it myself, but if you don't use it in anger most companies don't rate it so it seemed like a waste of time and money.

I was a lot less active today as predicted - also more hungry. I mowed the lawn this morning and took a stroll to the library. Between the two activities I did less than 3 miles. But I also did 45 push ups in 3 sessions - 15, 15, 10.
Sadly I let my disappointment this evening lead me astray - right into a bottle of white wine and a consolatory takeaway. Having said that, I was fairly restrained and don't feel too bad about my choices.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016


Today has been quite productive and now I can hardly move.
When I got up this morning I was planning to train as you know and I got my training gear ready to encourage myself.... before deciding that scrubbing toilets and doing laundry sounded more enjoyable. So after breakfast I did a top to bottom house clean (according to my very unhouseproud standards) including changing beds, which I passionately hate. 
Then I considered going for a walk. It was a beautiful sunny morning (if breezy) and I had a plan in mind to try to find a new park I just learned about. But a voice in my head was saying 'you told the world  (well, that part of the world that reads your blog) that you planned to train today...' Stupid voice in my head, just listening to it made my legs feel heavy. But it wouldn't shut up do after defiantly watching some documentary about cats I gave in.. and trained for 42 angry, resentful, tortuous minutes. Oh all right, it really wasn't that bad once I got going...
By the time I finished training it was time for lunch and then I waited until 2 pm to go for a walk thinking the roads would be quieter once the employed population finished work. I just wandered around a couple of local parks and woods for about 4 miles (getting windswept) but it was sunny and warm at least when the wind dropped so I enjoyed it enough to not even read my book.

I do feel good - in a knackered kind of way - but I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow is a lot less energetic. I do still need to mow the lawn though...

No news yet about any job stuff 

Tuesday, 4 October 2016


Thanks guys for your good wishes yesterday - it really helped! The interview was weird and I have no idea how well it went but I should find out if they want me to travel there for a second interview at the end of the week. The second interviews are not actually happening until the beginning of November though so even if they want me it's not exactly a fast paced recruitment process.
Yesterday I had a real struggle not to binge over the whole situation and today I've been hungry all day - but still haven't binged. Yesterday I trained and my plan is to do so again tomorrow.
I need to get my exercise mojo back - somehow.

Monday, 3 October 2016


I wasn't going to mention it until afterwards but I have a phone interview this afternoon. 
It's a weird one for me as its a permanent job not a contract, and it's back in Wales. M and I have been thinking about moving back to Wales for months off and on so this could be the deciding factor. In fact we drove back on Saturday to view a house - we haven't made our minds up on it yet though. If the job comes up obviously that will be a massive upheaval. I'll probably have to stay with M's parents for a while if we decide to buy a house rather than renting one, and travel back to Berkshire at the weekends as though I were working away. It won't be much fun - though obviously better than a normal working away scenario - but I'm tired of trying to be a contractor in the current market and possibly tired of it full stop - my favourite repeat clients are moving away from the use of contractors and I enjoy moving from job to job less than ever these days. Plus I miss owning a pet and a permie job could well provide the necessary stable base to allow us to get a dog, or a cat, or a dog and a cat...
Anyway, it's all pie in the sky unless and until I get the job but it's exciting to think about it... Please wish me luck!